* notes in coffee, no such thing. notes of cheese in coffee, exists.
* your husband woke up first...now you've got something up your...should be skirt, right?
* sleeve? more like towel.
* father-in-law: please tell me you didn't look down.
daughter-in-law: i didn't i swear!
father: it's human nature, you looked down, everyone will look down. well?
daughter: whachu mean well?!! yeah well i bet you can't name what was on my towel.
daughter: but they look like mountains of pink rock salt!
* don't worry, it is I, Harry Potter, i can make anyone feel better after a gaffe.
daughter: shut up, you skinny white boy, get back to your Rent audition.
* hi, i'm in charge of the Biden campaign...
daughter: not now!
* i see you, commercial, going all Dr. Stone how the village came to be on us...
* father: why do you put up on the refrigerator papers with Ds and Fs?
daughter: what, now you gonna comment on my parenting, too!?
father: btw, what was the surprise you were gonna administer to my son?
* hi, i'm Lois Lane...
daughter: newspapers are deader than trees.
* daughter: thank you, this Greek Chorus made me feel better, very Little Shop of Horrors.
Greek Chorus: despite our appearance, this isn't a Handmaid's Tale situation.
daughter: that smile of yours in your towel is really creepy, dad-in-law.
father: i'm in the Greek Chorus, too...
* Malcolm in the middle: the Dem candidates are depressing now. and i gotta be stuck in the middle with you. and you. a Divine wannabe and Zach G after Baskets got canceled.
* car crashes through flower shop.
driver: there goes the Three's Company revival!...
* Malcolm: feel me, Sulu?
Sulu: not cool, man. i'm still sorting out my issues.
* Phoenix, the director: CUT! Christmas is over!!! no more holiday stress! everyone go home.
* man stuck in chimney: HEY. stop singing! stop pouring coffee for each other! stop wearing those hideous plaid pajamas! i can't breathe in here!!!
Kurt Cobain: hey man, go easy on the plaid. it's cool, the afterlife is great.
* man: honey, can you please tell the kids to stop poking their father with the poker? it's actually worse that it's not hot with fire, it's cold outside!
wife: don't blame me, honey, all kids are addicted to facebook pokes. don't you want your children to know what to do if a robber comes?
man: did you call the fire department?
wife: the Mike Tyson Mystery team will be with you in a minute...
* man: i bet the real Santa never had to put up with this.
wife: i got you a Peloton for Christmas, honey, so you can never find out...…...you're fat.
* Tesla: i am not a sommelier, i am a schmelier.
Phoenix: quick! copyright that word before Eminem uses it in a rap!
Doctor Who: you're a liar.
Tesla: pardon, madam? i used to be a doctor on ER.
Doctor and Phoenix: PLEASE BRING BACK ER!!! DO AN ER REVIVIAL YOU'VE DONE EVERY OTHER REVIVAL!!!
Tesla: ER, The X-Files, ST: TNG, that's it, that's the list.
Picard: won't be Picard...
* Tesla gathers round his lovelies at his study library den:
Tesla: guests and lovers, have you tried cheese coffee?
smart-ass kid of one of his paramours: like, Philadelphia cream cheese on a bagel with coffee?
Tesla: no you runt! cheese IN coffee.
kid: Philadelphia invented the light bulb, not you.
Tesla: Benjamin Franklin was fat.
* Phoenix: can you put on some clothes on the set, man?
Tesla: these are my pajamas. i wear them around the mansion.
Phoenix: what's with the Twain bust?
Tesla: whenever i answer the Batphone, it calls me an idiot.
* Twain bust: she was the type of woman who has a parrot.
Toucan Sam: i turned green from eating Froot Loops.
Twain bust: what do men what? Joan of Arc, that's who men want...…...the laws were different back then...
* Tesla on a Mad Max platform:
Tesla: GO! THAT COW!
all the women hop the fence and run away from the compound.
* Tesla: are these cows or dogs?
Phoenix: wrong commercial.
* Tesla: what is this!?
worker: sorry, a pot got in the way of the chive.
Tesla: this isn't Boondocks chive!
* Tesla hugs a large wood barrel vat.
Tesla: oh! this makes me feel like i'm in a Super Bowl commercial!
* taxman: we're here for your taxes...put him in chains...
Tesla: yeah, it's either taxes, Clydesdales, or beer. or a Charlie Sheen cameo.
FOUR THINGS TO SEE THIS TIME, ONE
happy Championship weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: when you think of Burger King, you think of one thing: CHEDDAR IS BETTER