Wednesday, January 1, 2020
CROSSINGS: THE WOMAN WITH THE BALLS
at the Dem Debate, there's a real debate going on to determine the future of the country:
Bernie: i know there is only ONE cyberheart left in the vault at Fort Knox...
the crowd gasps!
Bernie: and i hereby...this is gonna be hard for me but...well i hereby bequeath i loan it for her to keep permanently i give the cyberheart to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Judge Ruth in the audience does a little dance, her robe falls off revealing chaps. she does the Cowboy Hustle she's so happy.
Tim Heidecker: i've proven through the years that i really do deserve my seat here among you all folk. i mean i'm practically a Donor the way my show reaches the young minds who haven't been corrupted by Hyde, which is a very small number at this point.
Judge Ruth: oh my, you're a hunk a chunk o' man, aren't you! a real goy boy! wanna get married?
and so, Tim and Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg get married. this makes her stronger, it gives Ruth Bader the strength to star in Tim's new indie film more of a documentary on his race to run for mayor simply to get out a jam legally about liability for a couple of nondescript young deaths at a sun-soaked island concert.
Netanyahu: mazel tov.
at the football game, a player makes an amazing interception then runs 108 yards to score the touchdown on the other end, there's a question as to whether the narrow edge of his sneaker shoe caught the line on the way down the field thus negating the amazing play. but since it's the holidays and played on Christmas Day---already a burden for the players---the referees and umpires decide to let it go and allow it to spread joy.
Dirg: see? everyone does it, it's not just the Patriots.
at the Rose Bowl Game:
Laertus: awesome! a woman is piloting that stealth bomber! flying like a smooth dart in the sky!
Dirg: why do they shoot off the fireworks RIGHT as the stealth bomber passes through, that always worries me...
Kevin McCallister enters the glass doors and it's too much for him to intake! the palatial cavernous hotel-looking tower is as tall as Shaq with no floors, just a glass elevator. there is so much commotion going on---still---a din of gift-returns and unhappy present faces abound! Kevin gets on his knees and makes note of each dollar sign on the green rolled-out carpet as his navigation through the edifice.
Kevin: i'm getting swallowed up in here. but i'm a boy of resilience and will get through this, too, as i will all the challenges of my life. boy, i've never geocached where no money was involved. hey mister, i'm lost, is this Macy's on Fifth Avenue? i'm afraid i'm a bit late mailing my letter to Santa, is this where the giant red mailbox is?
President Bump: well aren't you a cute kid. you remind me of me...now. um, no, i have no idea where this is. it looks like one of my hotels but could just as easily be the red carpet of the Cream House.
Kevin: hey mister, where's the bathroom, i'm about to burst! to the left or to the right?
Bump: neither. sorry, kid, can't help you, i don't pee.
at the Treehouse:
Madame Pons: wow. so i went into Big Sur Botanicals---purely for research---but i have to admit i got lost there, in the good way. oh well, i took some of their soaps and oils to see what they're made of, i've mastered a spell enough to see inside them without removing the wrapper. speaking of, come and get it, kitties!
the two cat familiars stick their heads out of the wet fireplace, their paws scratch on the brick ever so softly, just enough to spy in to see if it's safe. they wag their tails when the coast is clear and they see the gifts. or rather the gift wrapping.
Pons: you know i didn't forget you two, my pretties! sorry for the delay, i had to rinse myself of all the holiday stress BEFORE we could have our proper Christmas on January 2nd! Cat Christmas! January 2, the day everything gets back to normal, Alleluia!!!
the cats meow in anticipation as Madame Pons plops herself on the holly couch.
Pons: there you go: a mini Christmas tree looking like a Charlie Brown tree but it's actually made entirely of catnip. and a box yes BOX of those thin pouches of wet cat food. when i buy ONE pouch of the wet cat food at The Store for you two every two weeks it always slips through the grey slits of my grocery cart to the floor and i'm left emptyhanded when i get home. only my hand to spell. so now i've solved the problem.
cats: *sibilantly* but it won't be fresh by the time you give us the 10th pouch in the box!
Eye Luggage: so...…...this is also a holiday at this time? Hogmanay.
Andy Murray: don't forget about us, we'll have our own Brexit soon. Scoxit. not a brand name for paper towels. Avatar is REAL in my home country!
Miss Piggy: i object! that ceremony is racist. i've had to deal with this shit my whole life. i am NOT whinny! not whinnying i am whinning. i am NOT a squealer!
Kermit the Frog: only with me...…...well, you and Linda Ronstadt...
Laertus: yeah maybe pump the brakes on this one, you don't want the citizenry out at night with torches right now.
Probst: tiki torches are okay
Andy Murray: those aren't torches, they're roasting marshmallows for the Cats tailgate.
at St. Petera's, Pantera plays in the background as The Pope slides and glides her lovely dainty strong hand of power among the fainting masses clamoring butting in line kicking each other in the shins breaking the velvet rope like they had just licked the drug-soaked forehead of a bullfrog. one of the faithful manages to squirm her way to the front of the line like a starlet snake. it's like a Pantera rock concert but wilder. there is SO much noise it drowns out all of Cotard and the other monks' silent prayer. this woman is Trini the first Yellow Power Ranger. she steps on a few toes but manages to reach out and squeeze the Pope's hand shoving her into Trini's bosom.
The Pope---experienced as she is with all manner of man encounters---goes into reflex mode, karate-chops her hand off Trini's grip, and punches Trini in the face.
The Pope: *dusting off her diamond dress* sorry about that.
Trini: *shaken but still smiling* no problemo, it's an honor. i'm a Power Ranger so i'm used to real fighting. i just want to thank you for being THE blessing in my life, without YOU i am no longer here! you raised me from the dead! and then you raised me as a daughter!
The Pope: right. you would have been typecast if you remained on Rangers. in the confessional booth we hashed out your career. you'd be stuck being the bimbo in low-budget direct-to-video kung-fu flicks, but NOW you're Lucy Liu! and trust me, Lucy ain't mad atcha, i talked to her just last night at the Vatican holy-water showers, she feels free!
Dirg: i mean, seriously! think of this scenario! that poor woman has waited her entire life to get a glimpse of The Pope much less a touch of The Pope. perhaps a blessing she's thinking, a benediction to reverse her lifelong bad luck. she FINALLY gets her chance, she wants to be healed in her life full of nothing but troubles, and The Pope swats her away like a fly! this has far-reaching existential consequences. what is this woman to think? the most spiritually-powerful entity on earth if not the universe just rejected her! she is doomed to the underworld! SHE IS UNFORGIVEN.
Eye: she could read it as a badge of honor. she made the cool serene with-it together Pope flip out. i mean that's a whole lotta human for ya! that takes chutzpah!
Dirg: i swear when i saw The Pope lose it, lose temper like the rest of us, i swear i saw The Pope just then and there as Jesus going apeshit and whipping the fuck out of those lenders at the town square.
Laertus: remember, all of us are monkeys and deserve to live. we are not meant to be snuffed out extinct by HellFire.
Dirg: thee is theist.
Eye: i mean what if she drove a hard bargain after that? like she'll drop the lawsuit if The Pope says sorry by giving her a forgiveness kiss on her mouth.
Alex Trebek: maybe i should make a pilgrimage to the Vatican. wow, that Christmas party was rough.
Pat Sajak: yup. maybe we shouldn't have had a party this year?...
Alex Trebek: no, it was fine, the doctor says i need to get out.
Pat Sajak: it's just...…...why is the Greatest Jeopardy! Of All Time one-hour? that's way too much Jeopardy! it's gonna be brain overload, too much information, you can't play that pub quiz game for an hour! you will have people in the home audience going to sleep on you cos their brains fried and died.
Holzhauer: where are my beer and pretzels!
the crones are at the mall:
Gladyce: oh it's so nice strolling and trolling around each corner of the perimeter of this place with you holding your hand, dear! i can't wait till your version of fun commences!
Doryce: this ain't your gift. tho the atmosphere is a nice change-of-pace for us.
Gladyce: January 2nd! January 2 is the greatest day on the calendar! EVERYONE is out and about cos no one got the gift they wanted and so it's a returning-frenzy!!! and the stores are all OPEN for once! i need to have my proper holiday experience by eating out at the mall with you, it's not official till then.
Tulsi Gabbard: this isn't my bitch face. nor my resting bitch face. it's my present face.
Doryce: you can always eat me out at the mall whenever you fancy, dear.
Gladyce: why is it that the New Year starts off with a day off? it's like we're scared to get going. you may come here for the shopping of items, i come here to try ALL THE FOOD in this multiplex!
Doryce: and notice the item which necessitated this Macy's Mall trip.
Gladyce: i need one of those copper Gotham pans which are indestructible. i need somewhere to fry my fries without the frickin' pan becoming burnt and charred and useless after one use! i need potatoes at my age!
Doryce: yup. we'll strengthen the copper with a substance that is TRULY indestructible with our spells at home. charge that copper! we know where copper COMES from! the item itself is about food.
they reach the copper shop and the copper carriage, Doryce picks up and looks at some nice ones, some nice copper pots and pans she inspects flipping them over and out with her glasses. she chats with the salesboy Mr. Cooper Not Hooper, she finds one she likes, steadies her aim with one eye sticking her tongue out, and flings it, flips it in the sky, hurls it over hitting Batman in the crotch.
Doryce: see? indestructible! now let's go to McDonald's, dear, and i'll show you your real gift...
Gaucelm: the only good part of Instagram is when a follower of yours you haven't seen in three years pops up with a stray comment on your feed...
Dirg: you know a woman on Instagram is single if her entire feed is pictures of her niece...
Tyzik: so Instagram FINALLY allows the choir to sing! Alleluia!
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Dirg: Linda Ronstadt. she was HOT young! why the fuck didn't she get married!!? no natural kids to carry on and continue the Jedi bloodline! we need unity or we're left with weak-wristed Kylo-brand Sith. she could have been Queen Amidala in real life by now! don't wear the white makeup, Linds, it mars your beauty! she and George could have fixed the current Star Wars! George Lucas of course has the biggest cock in Hollywood. her hotness overrides her politics.
Laertus: poor Linda. she had that thing happen to her, her unique voice quelled, cruelly quieted by an exterior force.
Eye: Linda was Arizona hot! yeah, the Bjork-in-that-movie thing. Lars, no more animals! tho that was by an unfair court ruling. the Whitney thing, tho that was more of an internal struggle.
Laertus: you could learn from her, Dirg, Linda said she couldn't find someone willing to deal with her personality. at least she was honest about her lifepath. of course Linda Ronstadt's greatest achievement was Fievel The Mouse...
Tyzik: i like her in that butter commercial.
Dirg: look imma say it, yeah i said it, i do not CARE AT ALL about Doctor Who. i've lost complete interest in this franchise. it's not cos she's a woman, nobody cares about Doctor Who anymore, nobody talks about Doctor Who anymore...
Eye: i'm okay with us trio discussing Years and Years instead. now THAT's the show of the future! OUR future!...
Eye: ah yes, guerilla. guerilla guerilla guerilla. guerilla filmmaking at its finest.
Rubikon: quite. if there's one word for that film, it's brave.
Eye: Foxy Brown and go.
Dirg: already hit a snag. when you look that up you get the rapper.
Rubikon: i date outside my race of course but oooohhhh-weeeee that Pam Grier could change a brotha's mind without his permission! '70s Pam Grier was a WHOLE lotta woman! Coffee was named after Pam Grier's hotness...
Dirg: that body of hers was insane! she invented the word titillating. curvature sublime with the Greeks. black soap! all topped off with that fro. she's forbidden fruit to my people of course which makes her the more inticing.
Boris Johnson: you know i had to wear a ladyfro like that. yeah, i wore my female-fro about town or they wouldn't have elected me Mayor of London. this film was one of those banned in the UK in the '80s for video nasty, which was silly. of course it WAS cool that i was the only one who had a copy of it in the whole of England during that time, i kept the VHS tape safely hidden in my balloon pants...
Laertus: oh, again, the tragedy of Ice-Skater Syndrome. Kathryn Loder, just as her star is on the rise, on the cusp of international celebrity, and she dies right after this film.
Dirg: her eyes were glorious. yeah, and they never showed her fucking her soap-opera-Western boy toy. not a whitey racist thing, i just wanted to see Miss Katherine in action to show why she's the pimpess in charge of the high-class influential-in-matters-of-city judge-cop-city-official-hooked brothel!
Bojo: you know they never name the city this takes place in. i mean it's probably Los Angeles or London or something...
Eye: i love the brother. you think Link from Zelda is really named after him but the Japanese developers are too embarrassed to admit they watched this movie?
Bojo: devs have been bitches to me my whole career. you know my favorite character in this movie? the white guy who can't control himself and just has to start pulling down his overalls pants and start fucking. i thought he was the most realistic. even captors get the blues.
Dirg: sure Link eats it in the end, but he already won at life, he got the most-prized possession: a white woman. oh, and from now on whenever i just want to be left alone, i'm gonna use the greatest line in film history:
COME BACK LATER, I'M BALLING MY LADY!!!
Rubikon: some of the jive was a little forced. the whole dy-no-mite thing and right on! but my uncle said the Black Panthers DID patrol the streets back in those days, helping old ladies with their long exposed walks on that long exposed stretch of open humid sidewalk, redirecting the bullets, keeping us safe better than the cops ever could. cos they were of the neighborhood.
Dirg: love the nurse. she's right, cleanliness is next to Jesus! don't be erecting that thing in front of her! but actually, fucking in a hospital bed is quite romantic, wouldn't you agree?
Eye: it's sterile, prolly don't need a condom.
Rod Serling: subtle sci-fi. the bandages facial-reconstruction-face-swap technology in this film was WAY more advanced than in my episode!
Laertus: yeah, i mean imagine if face-changing like that was an actual thing, you could swap faces the way you swap burger toppings. you couldn't catch any bad guys ever again! that's anime-level stuff! that's Keanu-level stuff!
Eye: your current face is the face of the one you loved in a past life...
Laertus: i loved Juanita Brown's performance, so soul-stirring, so from-the-heart, she was the pained mother hopelessly caught in the trap of providing for her family at all costs. she later starred in a porn prison-riot movie that i have a feeling Bill Cosby watched.
Dirg: she has such expressive teeth. i felt for her and glad she got the kid to safety. that Mayberry judge was a little too happy to be there. like he knew he would be taunted for his small sack and dick but he seemed to like it.
Rubikon: whenever a white man uses the word chocolate...i shiver...
Laertus: there's where film heroines from then on got the idea, they all now keep a razorblade slipped underneath their tongue for emergencies...
Laertus: i maintain that bar brawl was justified, anything in the furtherance of lesbian love. and then, suddenly, this film becomes North by Northwest...
Dirg: that was painful to watch. it was offscreened and yet onscreened. a little grotesque? maybe a little too much, folks? i mean if we're against female mutilation let's be against male mutilation, too! no more going down down there and making more porn stars. balls in a jar? pickled?
crones: honey, witches regaining their power will ALWAYS be satisfying.
Laertus: it was cool how the Black Panthers pretend to be poor dumb cotton slaves in an ice-cream truck in front of the white cops at first. nice sudden power-dynamic flip, that always gives me the good hives.
Rubikon: people say this film traffics in stereotypes. but what if our hero swims through the swamp of stereotypes and emerges the other side stronger and at the upper echelons of society? with all the gold rings and shower rungs. i mean at the end Foxy is the one entering the pimp car.
Dirg: poor Link, he had so much raw potential. he was able to figure out an unknowable face simply from a pencil etching and a thin outline! he coulda been a manga artist!
Eye: i hope you don't ever have to use that gun he says. why is it that women in film have those smaller "woman-sized" lady guns that are thin and sliced in half and look like toy switchblades? hammer that out for me for next time. g'night and g'day, folks.
Rubikon meets with the Salvadorans. he enters the restaurant wearing his Obama shirt:
Salvadorans: you're wearing your ugly Christmas sweater?
Rubikon: very funny.
Salvadorans: why'd you come all the way out here out of your way to celebrate with us?
Rubikon: cos i need you guys' help. we all gotta join together if we're gonna win. the other side, they're sucking all the milk off the cock of their cult-personality, they're gone forever, we need to run right through them like Brexit on a Bojo bulldozer. you with me? together i have the army i always type about online.
Salvadorans: right through them till they're left. si, EXIT. ours is Exit for El salvador brexit. you look crazy stupid creepy loco with that Santa beard on walking down the street with a sack over your shoulder.
Rubikon: it's a miracle i didn't get shot. Washington is scary, but here, i'm not scared here. you know why? cos we're the same. you are my people, we're all the same person, different faces. plus, i like the Christmas tree in this taqueria, it's nice, it's the only green in this entire concrete jungle, it's a good reminder. i wanted to take my picture under this tree. wearing my Santa mask while all you jabrons stared at me, pointed at me, and spoke in Spanish. come on, i'll fix you something.
Rubikon prepares in the back-kitchen his specialty, the Sizzling 7: a cutlet of chicken breaded and fried with seven toppings: dollops of ketchup, mustard, taco sauce---which is not the same as salsa---, bbq sauce, Parmesan cheese, pepper, and tabasco sauce.
Rubikon: for my Samurai Seven.
Rubikon walks to the Dem Debate with a long wide wave train of 200 revving motorcycles in smoke with highbar handles held by seated leaning Salvadorans with pigskin helmets following in back of...
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