TMIT: BIRTHDAY BOARD GAMES AND MY WALMART EXPERIENCE

TMIT falls on my birthday!!!

Miranda Cosgrove: my favorite book of all time is The Glass Castle by Jeannette.........Walls.

Jennette McCurdy: ...

Jennette McCurdy: not my autobiography? come on, pal, let's not be a Hollywood cliche.

UK: sup bird. oh wait, no free-range anymore. do you like your eggs with dark-brown yolks?...

AND THERE IT WAS

so glorious! the blue box! it came! the day before my birthday like it said it would, early Monday morning on my stoop. like MAGIC. my Walmart box full of the two rare items that you can't find anywhere. and this was the day i confirmed to myself, i finally became addicted to delivery. going forward only Chipotle silver UFO trays on my stoop. why spend the day losing hours as you drive around helpless in the rain in Marina trying to locate the one Walmart in the entire tristate area? the Lipton Southern Sweet Tea sugar-powder tastes like the Nestea unsweetened iced-tea powder if it were sweetened into sugar-powder. and i haven't tasted Onion Salt in a decade! my teeth started throbbing at the touch of it it was an unfamiliar substance on my molar enamel. i will honor Walmart's final request, i will recycle its box like it says to do on the box, of COURSE i will do my duty. thank you for making my birthday week special this is my only birthday present. thank you for restoring my faith in groceries.

1. have you ever cheated at a board game? why? yes. the Monopoly Cheaters Edition. because it says to.

2. which board game are you unbeatable? Clue. my dad taught me well, i NEVER lose at Clue. i always guess who the murdered is: Mr. Body. my favorite room is always the piano room that's in the middle of the forest growing inside the ballroom. i use the candlestick to light the huge place. i use the wrench to fix that leaky pipe in the kitchen where Ms. Scarlet and Mrs. White are getting it on.

looking back, this kid's game was about MURDER...

3. which mythological creature would be your worst roommate?

the gryphon, he'd be my frat bunkmate and he'd get all the birds. he'd get the Christian chicks being Aslan the Lion, all the Woman Scouts being the Eagle Scout, and all the emo burnouts cos he'd listen to Tears For Fears "Head Over Heels" all night.

4. my three-song playlist:

* Tears For Fears "The Tipping Point" music video just to see Roland Orzabal as Gandalf the Wizard

* anything from Evanescence's newest album, just to confirm they're still making new music. but why? Amy Lee is actually the reincarnation of a black swan...

* "Screaming Infidelities" from Dashboard Confessional. think about it, this was the band's VERY FIRST SONG, i mean talk about starting out on a high note...

5. what famous person have you met or been within a few feet of (music concerts and book signings do not count)

--- i saw Roger Federer naked at the Y. or was that at LUSH? no wait that was John McEnroe. who saw Roger naked.

--- i saw Flea at rg burgers once. back when rg burgers didn't look like the inside of a dentist's office

--- in the '80s i saw Billy Corgan at a taping of Small Wonder in Studio City, California past the concrete Burbank banked Bridge. but.........yeah, it's what you're thinking...

BONUS: is a hot dog a sandwich?

it's impossible to know. but think about it, does anyone put ketchup on sandwiches?...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

COPSE

 

notes:

* Mary Nolan: my name woulda been cooler if it had been Mary NOLA.

* Alison Roman: i'm not fat. i'm a big girl, if you know what i'm saying.

* MAD Magazine: we were your Family Guy, Saturday Night Live, and Robot Chicken all rolled into one in the '80s. we were king of the pop parody game back in the day.

Laertus's dad: i want that MAD Magazine issue that has BOTH the Popeye and Altered States spoofs!!!

* Gordon Ramsay: put a dainty dab of olive oil on the cooked spaghetti on the plate when it's done so it glides-slides-swims down your throat-gullet.

* Michael Weiss changing the kitty litter: changing means cleaning. when you try to be profound on Instagram, nobody gives a fuck. they will only respond to your cat pics.

Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: *double-meow*

* Kurt Cobain: i'm done with music. i'm getting into anime animation. yeah i'm working on the new Fooly Cooly...

* Trooke Bantor wearing an Avenged Sevenfold T-shirt: i was raped at the prom.

horse trainer: oh my god. i am so sorry. i had no idea. i didn't know. i am so sorry for making fun of you. my personal slights are spacedust swallowed up by the universe's black hole of pain.

* Jennifer O'Neill: ooey gooey CoverGirl

Maiara Walsh: that shoulda been MY Brazilian contract!!!

* Coach K: did you see how we tried to deceive the American public?!!!

Lily from AT&T: yeah, heartbreaking. i really wanted to be in the same room with you acting with legendary actor Coach K from Duke.

Coach K: the camera pans to my face...

Lily: panders to your face...

Coach K: and i'm talking to the back of your head, which is just a mop. and then you say your lines with just you, i'm not in the scene. 

Lily: what happened? you were too busy?

Coach K: in March i am.

Lily: let's make up for lost time, wanna do sex ironically on this table that covers me? your wife doesn't have Instagram, right?

Coach K: we'll tell her we were doing a promotion to see which Blue is better.

Lily: best not to do it in here. all the phones. let's go to a Starbucks...

* Chrissy Snow: hello!!! i did Baywatch first!!! Zuma Beach (1978), anyone?!!!

* Bjork: steer clear of anyone whose Instagram profile reads: working on 5 scripts and 3 screenplays

* Jon Stewart at the Congressional hearing: they did their jobs, years later DO YOURS!!!.........i can't help but notice that the oil painting behind me is unironically Bernie Sanders...

* Taco Bell

woman: i mean this is a Groundhog Day situation here. i repeat the same day over again in an infinite loop. all i want out of this harrowing existence is neverending Nacho Fries.

friend: why is a Mad Max guy named Sacha in a desert dune buggy chasing you all over the Gobi Desert?

woman: he thinks the nacho-cheese sauce is a rare liquid gold from the future-past.

* TJ Maxx: who do you think you are? you are woman hear you roar!!!

- i canceled plans and it wasn't cancel culture.

- Barbara Corcoran: i coach my city's MEN'S basketball team so fuck you.

- sorry, man, this stool is reserved for my Kate Spade bag. Kate Spade will mean more to me than any random barfly.

- imma jump in the pool. whose backyard is this? it's okay i can do anything i want i'm on the GUEST LIST!!!

- if you eat donuts whilst running you get Terminator arms.

- i'm not gay but i'm wearing a suit!!! i don't care anymore!!!

- gilfs at the diner: we're ordering the Smashburger dammit!!! the one with TWO meats!!! brisket on TOP of the beef burger patty!!!

* Dr Rick: this isn't a time capsule it's a freezer.

Eric Stoltz: ...

Dr Rick: i'm taking the lawn gnomes!!!

owner: but why just TWO of them?

Dr Rick: you printed the internet?

beard man: yes.

Dr Rick: where's your printer?

beard man: i did it by hand.

Dr Rick: this isn't a scotch egg it's a white meatball.

beard man: white meat? left over from last year's St. Patrick's Day which caused Brexit. you like Smiling Friends, too?

AND PHOENIX MOST INTERJECT HERE

Phoenix: hi. um, the thing is, velcro-ing your remote control to the corner of your tv tray so you don't lose it is BRILLIANT actually!!! inspired. not an old-person thing.

* Gap ad

street poet: i want an America whose job it is to make me free. free as can be. yeah, pretty cool, right? this was originally a '90s Gap ad, with the dutch angles and the black-and-white and the Kate Moss and the heroin chic. but we brought back the style cos the '90s were tranquil and we now live in FUCKED times.

CLICK HERE FOR ONION SALT

 

happy weekend, my babies

okay, people, i don't know about you but i need to destress. i desire Men Plus Care. but the dank bottle of Inner Peace, i need HEMP in my Dove shampoo. going back to Walmart in Marina. also hoping to FINALLY find onion salt in the spice rack there. i haven't had onion salt in TEN YEARS, only garlic salt, my spaghetti is CRYING out to me grease tears at night. is going down to Sand City just for Jimmy Johnseses worth it? a black-and-white sub sandwich? just because of Brad Garrett as a mob boss? it basically comes down to whether you think the OIL-AND-WATER VINEGAR they drown their subs in from a plastic vinegar bottle held by a chain-link from the ceiling is worth it

HALFMONK: SALVAGE THE NIGHT (THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, DAD)

 

the morning comes.

me: did we?

Jennifer Pizarro: sex in a monastery, the ultimate kink. i left you a going-away present.

me: am i going away?

Jen: you're the one who wants to be here, remember? it's wrapped inside a wadded-up tissue like your splooge or your looge after you chew gum.

me: more gum?

Jen: you gotta keep chewing that gum, honey. see the more gum you chew the more it relaxes those jaw muscles of yours and clears the wax from your ears so you're better able to hear ME in my divine  wisdom when i tell you things, when i give you advice and life hacks. bye.

she glides away on the zipline...

i again read the back of the Monopoly card that also dropped from my tissue. lots of issue. balled-up issues. it's in scribbles and scratches, handwriting only i can read cos only i had written it, everyone's handwriting is that way.

me: i forgot about this. i wrote these rules to myself and of course forgot about them:

1. stop online

2. accept you will never find love

3. 2 years to live

4. i'm sacrificing everything for something that isn't there

the zipline snaps

me: JEN!!!

but she got off it before. the line swings down as it falls hitting Kristof on his little red head.

me waving at him: sorry.

me thinking to myself: as if i had something to do with it.

Kristof enters without a peep of a sound continuing on to the church as if nothing bonked him on the head. i follow him inside. the church as always is empty and circular and vacuous and vacuum-packed.

i spot him in his usual corner way outta the way of the center altar under the spotlight naturally filtering up from the sun. i scootch to his side this time, usually i waste an hour in here doodling in the margins of my missal.

me: dude hey whats up.

Kristof remains silent and closed-eyed. i am in awe of his continual deep commitment to contemplation.

i tear a page off the missal book and flap it in his face, then flap it in my face, then i throw the page letting it fly like an airplane to the spotlight circle in the middle of Mass to break up the boring routine ritual on stage.

me: i want to see one of the priests pick up the paper cos i want to see the priest's butt.

potassium iodide: don't worry. there WILL be World War III. but then there'll be World War IV.

Zelenskyy: i mean why i gotta wear a suit? why can't i present and deliver facts to world councils in a drab olive-green fatigues-colored T-shirt showing off my muscles, WE'RE AT FUCKING WAR!!!

Brooke Shields: yeah Satanism doesn't bother me. a dog named Mr. Pickles? i had to climb up California Redwood trees to feed koala bears.

Suzy Lu: you guys despite my teeth i can still eat mole. the NHS sucks but don't worry i'm still your Commons girl, i'm still your Remoaner girl, i like Scotland either way. i take 15 tablets for my face but they're all useless, i might as well be chewing Flintstone vitamins. i WILL have wee Steejo babies with Steejo someday, one day, and if my kids become druggies i'll slap the little broodies and scare them straight with a showing of my old used VHS cassette tape of Trainspotting.

The Philadelphia Experiment: the first wormhole that's a regular-sized door

Jennifer Westhoven: i'm Dr. Jennifer Stone's mom. i look GOOD for being her sister.

Jennifer Fenton at the dusty monastery ranch with a peach-colored rope-lasso: horse therapy helps. horse therapy heals. here you have this 2-ton animal deciding to be with you, to walk with you, to comfort you with its ginormous heartbeat.

Trooke Bantor: and hopefully not crush you. just kidding.

Florida: we're just a horrible state. and a horrible state of mind.

Jennifer Aniston: there's nothing wrong with me. it's just that my ex is Matthew Perry.

Mardith: if you read The Secret when you were 12, it doesn't really count, you don't really get anything out of it, the benefit from it, doesn't ring true for you. i mean why is the world still massively fucked up and systemically wrong after the release of The Celestine Prophecy? 

Madame Pons: right?

Mardith: what more does the world need than The Celestine Prophecy?

Dirg: i'm going to Ghetto Film School.

Mardith: i need to go back to L.A. Julia Stiles is fucking cool!!!

Rob Zombie: wait, the new Munsters film is gonna be PG? PG?!!!!!!!!! come on.

William Shatner: right?

The House on the Rock: not Alcatraz. has a rollercoaster. the first cottagecore...

corner sun: remember? on the page? on your kindergarten non-ruled looseleaf paper?

Live the band: our new album coming out and going completely under the radar just proves that the '90s truly are dead in 2022.

Kurt Cobain: that's what i've been trying to tell you guys.........my solo album wouldn't have mattered either.

Attack on Titan: THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!

Shenmue: Hand Massage, um, it's just palmreading.

Roger Goodell speaking from the monastery forest: there aren't enough white-ash trees in this country anymore to make wood bats!!! i feel for you guys, i really do.

Allison Mack: i didn't do anything wrong, i was merely a fan of the anime Berserk...

Madame Pons, gulping: Madame Zeroni, we are soul sisters, we'd make a good pairing. i'd drink that old catwoman's milk in one earthy quaff.

Laertus's dad: a novel is too obtuse these days, no one will read it, all writing needs to be in blog form now.

Laertus: no dad, your old ways were the better ways.

William Hurt: i was the one who started you off on your journey, huh. your Second Renaissance of Fine Film journey. Broadcast News. 

Phoenix smoking ganja: it's spiritual ganja. yeah. i'm mad as hell and i'm not gonna take it anymore that you're dead.

Family Guy: we're done. there's nothing more to say or do with the family. we're done with regular episodes, from now on all we're gonna do is episodes where we parody 3 movies or tv shows each episode.

Alex Trebek: you know on Jeopardy when the winner wins? yeah the other two losers really DO NOT WANT to be lightly chatting with the victor right then at that moment.

Madame Pons: one of my girls, all she does is preen in front of Instagram all day.

Michael Weiss putting his phone down his pants: wasn't me.

Mardith: ugh i hate that. girls, use Instagram to educate young impressionable male minds before it's too late for them. the world does not need more weightlifters.

Degrassi Community School: our lockers, they're the colors of Ukraine!!!

Doryce at Mardith's computer workstation: how bout no silver forks next to the mouse? jus sayin, fingers you know.

Gladyce: why does the bacon smell like bread?

Gladyce: i used to put 5 salts on my fried eggs every morning, it took FOREVER to get all that shit on there! salt, pepper, Mrs. Dash who's Ms. now cos she got divorced from Ken, Old Bay shrimp salt, and garlic salt, there's no more onion salt sold ANYWHERE. it was my own recipe of Fivespice. i said fuck it one morning and i just pour salt on the damn egg-thing now. oh and tabasco sauce of course.

Laertus's dad: you ever be cooking bread and suddenly an idea for a novel pops into your head so you leave the stove and when you get back the toast has been burnt twice?

Shakespeare: i am joining the fight against Putin. you can't bomb a theatre and not snatch my heart.

Igor Novikov: i'm still here. i'm the Ukrainian Jimmy Fallon, just here wearing a different heavy-metal shirt each day in defiance.

Eye Luggage: The Black Hole and go. the cool one, 1979.

Laertus's dad: now it's MY turn. to talk about Grandpa. my dad. oh this brings back memories. painful memories. i'm hoping that by FINALLY watching this film with you guys, really watching it, from start to finish, my dad will forgive me from the shame and embarrassment i caused him, i put him through, oh i was such a snotty little brat when i was a kid! you see it was my birthday party but for the fraught age of 13. at 13 you don't really have kid parties anymore with the tinfoil hats and the unicorn ponies in the backyard. this is your first ADULT party. so i had to be cool to my friends. my dad had spent weeks planning this, he secured the last VHS copy of The Black Hole and was psyched for me to see it:

Grandpa: son, watch The Black Hole, it was Disney's answer to Star Wars. it has a cult following even to this day.

me: sure, pop.

Laertus's dad: dad was so excited to use his Blockbuster card!!! the look on his face. when partytime came of course i was too cool for school.

Laertus: it's always weird seeing your school classmates in another setting that's not school. seeing them in your house is freaky.

Laertus's dad: dad set up the projector screen, which was just a white towel. he was ready to roll but five minutes into it and i decided this shit was BORING. the other kids followed my lead cos it was my birthday after all, and EVERYONE LEFT. leaving just dad and a sad-looking piece of dripping cake in his mouth as he sadly but boldly continued on and watched this entire film alone till it was done and he turned off the projector aiming the light at his tongue. i am SORRY, DAD, I LOVE YOU!!!

Dirg: what did you teenage punks do instead, Mr. Laertus? poker with naked playing card? had your first beer by drinking the blue fluid coming out of the back of your refrigerator?

Laertus's dad: nah, we watched Bakshi's Lord of the Rings.

Laertus: wow. that wasn't really an improvement, dad.

Jennifer O'Neill: hi. i was supposed to be the babe in this. but i got in a car accident.

Yvette Mimieux: dumb bitch. you were wine-drunk on set, you didn't get the part cos you wouldn't cut your hair short. i shoulda pulled your hair to make it short!!! 

Jennifer: i'm not into kinky Hollywood sex anymore.

Yvette: God can't help you now! you were a CoverGirl but i was a REAL model, cos no on knew my name!!!

Jennifer: bitch you had a secret marriage!!! i am wed to Christ and it's ALL out there in the open!!!

Mickey Mouse: yeah so we couldn't have a movie franchise that was bigger than US. so we competed with fucking Star Wars. i wanted to call this movie Star Ears. didn't go so well. so, we were forced to BUY Star Wars...

Yvette Mimieux using a mimeograph machine to make copies of her ass: the space suit i wore in this makes my butt look GOOD. when i'm floating upside down, is this what the short hair is for?

Mickey Mouse: yeah, think of the black hole as a giant blowdryer...

Mickey: i paid for this atrocity using my OWN money. the most expensive movie Unc Walt ever made! i wasn't pensive about it, i SPENT colored cash. because i was so poor during this period i have to confess, one of Minnie's babies i don't remember, i don't know his or her name.

Minnie Mouse: you're at a monastery, mouse, CONFESS YOUR GUTS OUT!!!

Mickey: Disney's first PG movie.

Rob Zombie: ...

Mickey Mouse: see the beginning part of this movie, the title card? those green graph-lines in space? first computer effects ever used in film history.

Bugs Bunny with a carrot for a baton and gun: oh NO. if we're talking about the beginning of the film we MUST talk about THE OVERTURE!!! right?!!! this is the LAST time a movie used an overture at the start like this. it is SO COOL!

Dirg: i mean it's a weird five minutes of a black screen and classical music. i thought either my VHS machine was broken or Los Movies was broken.

Captain Holland: wait am i Dutch in real life? we named our ship after a horse, get it?

Pizer: the vaccine's coming.

Durant: don't look at me, i can't talk to Kyrie when he's in the zone like that shooting 60.

Pizer: the vaccine for the next round of the remaining neverending variants.

Vincent: hi, i'm R2D2 but i float. i taught R2D2 how to fly. i look like if Oscar the Grouch were an astronaut. my face is cute enough to sell plushies, right? i'm highly existential. want me to repeat that Cicero quote that humans only know the first half of?

Ernest Borgnine: strangely, i'm here. i'm here on this crew but i'm not the comic relief. is Marty spelled with a D? 

Elon Musk: ...

Pizer: Vincent is one of us! he's crew! he's fam! he's risking his life out there with a screwdriver for an finger!  

Holland: don't be a pisser! don't be a puscifer! Vincent doesn't have a soul!!! let him drown in oxygenless space then let's see what philosophical quip he comes up with.

Kate: the Cygnus? that's my father!!!

Borgnine snorting iodide: you like The Mars Volta? me, too, their music is like late-stage Frank Sinatra when Sinatra was drunk all the time.

Bjork: i come from space. birds were meant to fly in outer space. World War V will be fought with Gundams.

Kate: i have ESP.

Captain: then why didn't you predict they'd shoot at us with lasers!

Kate: i can only communicate with robots.

Captain: that's a useless gift, robots are annoying.

Maximilian Schell: i'm evil cos i have an accent. look, i'm sorry for the Nazi films i did, okay? when you say my name the first thing you think of is cryptocurrency.

Hans: ah yes, now we all sit down to a leisurely Victorian longtable dinner with chandelier and a window-view of the Hole, a scene like if Final Space was real-life.

Durant: i've fallen for you, i want you in my bed. you are a genius.

Dr. Hans Reinhardt: thank you, i'm getting hard, too. kinda wanted Kate to feel this for me but whatever.

Durant: want to join me in the space shower?...

Alfred Hitchcock: DON'T DO IT!!! that's still Anthony Perkins, a leopard doesn't change his spots.

Dr. Hans Reinhardt: okay this is confusing, the big red bulky robot who's a weightlifter is named Maximilian after my REAL name, not my PLAY name...

Schell: and we're back. it's me. so i want to fly into this black hole because who knows what's on the other side? it could be Family Guy if Seth Green wrote all the scripts...

Borgnine: i saw a drone limping.

Zelenskyy: don't give us that one.

Borgnine: i took the mask off one of the scary black robots. i saw a human face look back at me. but don't worry, he was smiling.

Pizer: what's going on around here? is this like LazerTag at the mall?

Captain: you know that peoplemover we all rode on? the train that went outside in space in that clear glass-plastic giant tube? that's obviously the prototype for the The Black Hole ride at Disneyland!!!

Captain: i saw a funeral the robots gave themselves, i witnessed it.

Spock: that was my funeral.

Captain: i rifled through the crew's drawers, collected their personal effects. their personal items. i saw Yvette Mimieux porn, and Jennifer O'Neill porn.

Dirg: the Jennifer O'Neill porn is more valuable on the internet black market.

Roddy McDowall: i'm Vincent's voice. i sound like a very intelligent ape. who are you supposed to be?

Slim Pickens: i'm Bob, i'm you after a night of womanizing.

Vincent: you look beat up and beaten.

Bob: hey but i can beat you in this video game that's the Black Hole prototype computer shooting game.

Vincent: yep, i see the green crosshatch tornado lines. so all the crew is lobotomized?

Bob: therapy is therapy. of COURSE i won this laser-shooting game, i'm a cowboy in real life!

Durant takes the faceplate off the crewman.........it's the face of Rob Zombie.

Laertus's dad: DAMN! i mean FUCK! that is a NASTY way to die!!! poor guy gets ripped into shreds of flesh paper strips!!! his guts torn asunder into confetti!!! he gets riven by a rotating blade of steel!!! i wouldn't wish that on my worst IRS tax collector!!! THIS is where the PG comes in, it's not the saying of darn.

Maximilian: i was always such a quiet robot...

other Maximilian: as you can see red robot don't play. why are black holes purple? 

Kate: great, i gotta be rescued by a man, this isn't the '80s yet. even tho it's the 2200s. 

Captain: does anyone else have the Black Hole theme song stuck in their head?

John Williams: don't try me, buddy.

Kate: fine i'll kiss you, captain, at least it won't be creepy like when Anthony Perkins came  up to me in my dressing room, i couldn't tell if he was serious or not.

Captain Kate from Star Trek: Voyager: don't test me, bub.

Ernest Borgnine: i deserve better than this space dreck, i'm a seasoned Shakespearean actor who played an everyman with a lunchpail, an old person looking for love. do you know what keeps retirees alive? money. i have a Catskills voice, too. imma kamikaze this shit. i had funny teeth, check them for the dental records.

Kate: i am traveling in the probe ship.........alone.

Hans: dammit i knew i shouldn't have gotten that big-screen tv to watch the Super Bowl. Brady didn't retire anyway! you OWE me, robot!!!

Bob: and now the lightsaber scene, even here while the court case rages on. i'm good with guns...

Vincent: ...and i'm good with swords. FLOAT, bitch.

Captain: okay Palomino crew, get ready to enter the black hole. remember, we're not entering the black hole, we've just taken some mushrooms. get ready for a DOOZY of a trip.

Hans: wait so i've become Maximilian now? or have i become the Devil?

Maximilan: same thing.

Hans: talk about Freudian. this is a LOT of fire. a LONG LONG LONG sequence of fire...

Captain: imagine the 2001 drug sequence but after having taken shrooms instead of acid. that arched crystal tunnel isn't a McDonalds.

Ronald McDonald snorting crystal meth in Russia: this movie couldn't get McDonalds as a sponsor...

Captain: the arched crystal tunnel isn't Heaven, it's Michelangelo's wad.

Yvette: i've had Miguel's wad, i'm Mexican, remember?

Pizer: wait so at the end of a black hole is a white hole?

Stephen Hawking: impossible. black holes exist, white holes CAN'T exist.

Kate: that was one wild Swingin Sixties afterparty. can i go back to my bouffant hair? who wants to stay in Paris? *singsong* i got casual coCAINE.

John Cusack: what was the picture of?

Stephen A Smith: John Cusack using twitter.

Yvette Mimieux: not using cocaine? call me Mimi.

Mickey Mouse: there was cosplay of this. yes. people dressed up for the world premiere. as the black robots, the red robot, even as Ernest Borgnine.  i was stuck with all those fucking nerds in one place! i felt so uncool! this movie sucked. that's me in the black-and-white photo at the RadioShack next door eating a Nabisco pencil and trying to dig to find a Black Hole Cabbage Patch Doll inside the bottom of a box of cereal. 

Neil deGrasse Tyson: this movie is shit. imagine the opportunity Disney had to actually explore the REAL science of black holes, we coulda molded young impressionable minds with rational explanations, not this Hell-Heaven shit. what is this, an episode of Lost?!!! i dunno, maybe if you make it darker...

Mickey Mouse: hey black bitch, remember who funds your Cosmoseses. *in Mickey Mouse laugh* haha. g'night folks.

Mlem and Blep the cat familiars spend this week in debilitating worry. all they do is look out the window to see nobody on the lawn. no Graykid. it rains all week, physically and symbolically, symbolic of their tears for him.

Dirg: the twins, i mean the male and the female one, what is it?

Sebastien and Daryna: oh it's time to open the presents!!!

the ethnic family who are now fully Americanized gather round the rotunda of carpet in the house's center. the teen kids in their pajamas wrestle each other to the pile of gift boxes. the boy opens his first, it's a Metaverse.

Dirg: yeah i wouldn't touch that, you have to live in the real world no matter how painful. OMG! i just gave someone GOOD advice, i usually hide the good advice from my enemies to hoard it for myself. this is how much you've touched me with your earnest sincerity.

Daryna: Santa got me a Barbie doll.

Dirg: Doctor Barbie, good. I DID IT AGAIN!!!

5 festive purple projector lights stream above the fireplace room from the balcony, whipping all over the house.

Dirg: um, can i ask a favor?

kids: shoot, cousin.

Dirg: can i go with you guys to Seb's soccer game tomorrow Saturday morning? can i pile in the van with the fam like i was one of you?

Dirg's dad: if it's okay with Santa.

kids: family is the only thing.

i start spilling my guts to Kristof, i can't help it, he has one of those faces.

me: i feel i can tell you anything, your face is so calm and caring, comforting and reassuring. 

Kristof: i feel deeply for all living things, tell me your past and i've been there. even if we've never met.

me: well there was the time high-school summer i had to work at my stupid uncle's Body Glove surf shoppe in Manhattan Beach. he kept lording over me the fact that his house was already paid for, no more mortgage for him.

Kristof: i was there at the ship i mean shop, i rang the bell, didn't you notice me?

me: no i didn't know you yet. you're just like my dad i love it. that one time at the prom...

Kristof: i was NOT there pouring punch down my trousers crotch, for YOU were never invited to prom.

me: wow. uncanny. my first sex...

Kristof: i was in your bed, you never cummed, remember? you tried to cum but couldn't.

me: remember what i did after?

Kristof: yes, you had to get a win so you went to your mailbox and intercepted the bulk mail that was being delivered JUST before it would have squashed the potato bug that was living inside your mailbox. you saved a life. 

me: i BLOCKED that mailman's glove. that fucking bulk of 10 catalogues all rolled into one behemoth of junk! 100-pound brick of death! there's gotta be something you can do about that...

me: and when i quit college...

Kristof: i was there, sleeping on the roof. in the sun, got my hair tanned. i saw you admiring the roof of the Admissions Building for two silent hours in the morning of your last day, like you were quietly waving goodbye to the real world in your head. you were admiring the work you had done, your work to nonwork.

me: yes. much like i admire THIS roof now. that settles it, you get me. you understand me, you feel me. i'm painting YOU now. from now on i'm painting ONLY you.

Kristof: okay but no nudes.

TMIT: TOPLESS TYPEWRITING!!!

 

Pete Davidson recently texted Kanye West the following:

Kanye: where you at?

Pete: in bed with your wife.

i mean...that's checkmate...that wins...that wins forever. there will NEVER be a greater internet thing than that.

Steve Blum and Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: remember, when times get dark, when living seems hopeless, remember that Stephen King still lives in this world.

1. when you need to get serious good writing done, where do you go? Starbucks.

where i see all my wannabes, my wannabe fellow writer friends point at me and call me a wannabe when i'm just minding my business in the corner plugging my devices in sipping the latest 10-dollar brown-sugar coffee thing that's just coffee. they're intimidating cos they all bring their Great Dane dogs inside and the dogs all lie down around the fireplace blocking the entrance to the bathroom. look, we all want to be the next Hemingway.........but Hemingway for guys like the book Dan Bilzerian wrote...

2. where do you look for inspiration to write?

they tried to ask Shakespeare where his ideas came from but there wasn't CNN back then. be inspired by all art but don't copy it. it's true what they say, YOU are the only one who can write YOUR STORY because only YOU have LIVED your individual story no one else has seen. no one else can write that scene where it was you and that platypus at the rave. all art is autobiography.

3. if you could add anything to your office what would it be?

office? work? what is that? is that like WeWork? can your bed be considered your home office? my dad used to have an office in El Segundo with green ferns adorning the fuzzy cubicle-dividers, it looked like a lush island getaway. dad's coworkers plastered their spaces with everything Dilbert. Dilbert posters, Dilbert bobbleheads, Dilbert butt-pencils and Dilbert giant erasers. i directed them to Ziggy before it was too late...

4. are you a G Cal person or do you still prefer a physical planner?

Google Calendar is scary to me cos i don't get tech. i have a Playboy calendar cos i need to keep my schedule in my head written down in those little squares or i'll forget. i'm so distracted by all the mishegoss in my head i haven't looked at any of the pictures...

5. when you jot down notes do you use a pen and paper or put it into an electronic device like a tablet or smart phone?

i USED to think i could just memorize ideas and when the time came to write the novel all the ideas would spill forth out of me alphabetically and in order. that didn't go so well so i started WRITING stuff down that i was gonna write. i have TRILLIONS of notebooks with all manner of half-cooked ideas and scrawls and lines and half-paragraphs and circles and triangles in them, it's a madhouse in those notebooks.

they are my GREEN NOTEBOOKS, my mystical notebooks from the land of Shenmue containing all my thoughts, i mean this stuff is as brainstorm-random as it gets. a lot of letters and numbers at the top corners of paper pages serve as illegible annotations, i never write within the lines. from then on after the first one i no longer buy any notebook that isn't GREEN.

BONUS: March 15 is National Shoe World Day, a holiday that illuminates the need for quality footwear for millions of people around the world who go without. what quality pair of shoes would you pick to gift to someone?

the cause can have all my skateboard shoes. yeah i only wear skateboard shoes now. you know from Vans next to Hot Topic at the mall. i STILL get Doc Martens and Chuck Taylors confused...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

SESAME WATERSTON, LUIS + MARIA 4EVA

 

notes:

* at the Sesame Street Luis-Maria wedding.

Luis: contrary to popular belief, your name is Sonia Manzano and we DIDN'T get married IN REAL LIFE.

Maria: Sonia? but ain't real life just a dream? Sesame Street is real. it's a real street. full of alive puppets. and my name is Maria.

Luis: yeah honey but that didn't help West Side Story ticket sales did it. look babe, i want to branch out, y'know? i want to do off-off-Broadway. hopefully they still do experimental stuff and aren't in it for the money. i want to do Don Quixote Meets Mad Max. i have the perfect voice for less-than-100 seats, it's full of gravel, the same gravel used to make the Sesame Street road, it's deliberate and exacting, it takes its revenge.

Maria: you will always be mi esposo, forever, i forgive you for that threeway with Bert and Ernie.

Luis: historic, the first mention of the word "threesome" on public television.

* Sam Waterston: the Law & Order thing, it's a revival, not a reboot. i don't age. i age backward. does a man look better with a salt-and-pepper beard when he's a young man or old man?

* Peloton: our products will not give you a heart attack so let's move and get to our three:

bulky dad: hi. i look like i used to play for the New Orleans Saints. or i was in the army. neither of those things are true. i just need to lose weight or this gray T-shirt i always wear won't make sense.

woman: i became my own girlboss. cos they wouldn't let me have a desk with the bottom open so i could sport my leggings.

military dad: i WAS in the army. but it sucked. now i can't see my kids cos the government says they must be at school by 4AM.

pink lady: i like to bake. there is no religion, only food. all i see before me is cake not God. my birthday is ERRYDAY.

* No7

British clerk girl: worry not, they make this cream in America.

customer: i'm not taking ANY chances. i went to Boris Johnson's garden party, it was boring. why do they call it No.7?

British clerk girl: let's face it, the last Doctor Who should have been the Seventh...

customer: speaking of faces, gonna have clear skin TONIGHT!!! 

* RINVOQ

pirate: i used to crawl for lobster in the ocean until that fishing became illegal. it didn't faze me until i was boiled alive in a pot. now i just do crabs. there's a vaccine for that.

woman: i have arthritis. but i'm still the drummer in my band. they say music heals but my RA is fucking KILLING me with pain.

woman: why is there another drummer with me?

other drummer: try to keep in beat with me, follow my rhythm. that's all it is, you're not being replaced.

farmer's market woman: i have a tattoo of a red apple on my forearm.........nobody knows what it is, everyone thinks it's a red dot.

pirate: can we rename the boat not First Light but Purple Noon?

pirate: my insurance company wouldn't pay my medical bills, i had to pay for the RINVOQ, the deductible paid for one of my 30 covid surgeries.

* WeCrashed: we're not the same as young Sam Waterston and his wife in a black-and-white photo. we were revolutionaries back then, a tech prophet and prophetess. looking back WeWork could never work, people don't want to work together, they want to work from home.

* Keira Knightley's one-night-stand on the balcony: hey luv, you're wearing my fluffy taxi jacket. 

Keira: just cos you're on a balcony doesn't mean you get to be bottomless like Donald Duck.

* Moodus, CT: home of goths. the entire town is one big bog. the noises? those are bog noises.

* Gladyce uses the silver baseball bat from Alex Borstein to hit down and separate the potatoes o'brien.

Gladyce: what's the dealio? the potato cubes are LARGER now for some reason.

* Janet Wood from Three's Company: i had to fight the FTD monopoly so i joined ProFlowers. 

Jack Tripper: you were just mad naked Mercury instead of naked Janet Wood running barefoot is the FTD logo.

Janet Wood: hi. my name is Janet Wood. in real life. i'm a real-life actress named Janet Wood. times have been tough, tough to land independent parts independent of Joyce DeWitt. Hollywood is hard.

* Gladyce: you're a hosesniffer, right, babe? you like firemen.

Doryce: right now i just need a neti pot up my nose.

* Alastair Sim: i shoulda played Nosferatu.

* Ronaldo: no the man's name was Roland Doe. i have never been possessed by devil demons that would require an exorcism. but i am crazy. 

* David Tennant: i was feeling all wobbly till i got the Cubii compact seated elliptical!!! wee thing, wee little bicycle. fixed me right up!!! i pedal while i'm on the couch getting all lightheaded waiting for Jodie Whittaker to come on the telly. 

* Skip Bayless: i shoulda been a WWF wrestler in the '80s.

* Valerie Bertinelli: sup bird

* Doryce: finally got the iced-tea powder. in the 100-pound canister, that should last a week. first time i've ever been to a Walmart. what's the big deal about Walmart?

Gladyce: it's smaller than Costco but bigger than Target.

Doryce: Paris Hilton was my greeter. Putin was outside sulking and hawking his wares. he wore a shrimp on his pinkie finger and diamond earrings. he had vodka breath. he said he had one more week of freedom before his court date...

Gladyce: hey i got your solution.

Doryce: my Herbal Essences?

Gladyce: yes. just open the cap and let the rainfall-showerhead water fall inside the bottle. that's how your shampoo gets unstuck, how your shampoo unfucks itself.

* amiannoying.com: this site taught me about the concept of death...

CLICK HERE TO ENTER A WALMART FOR THE FIRST TIME

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Whopper Melt from Burger King. already had it! TODAY! Marina sure has changed since i lived there 20 years ago. today i wanted to change it up when it came to the Icee, i wanted a Frozen Cherry instead of a Frozen Coke. the white-cherry ice but i got the red-cherry ice, just goes to show you can never get what you want in life. 

HALFMONK: FLIGHT INTO HEALTH (NOT A REAL SPORT)

 

 

Jennifer Pizarro and i in my monk cell.

Jen Pizarro: how is it you use the Phoenix Mirror more than me?

me: thank you for this lovely gift, it was quite thoughtful. a full-length body mirror with a carving of a wood phoenix on top.

Jen: but i'm the one with the body. you're a toothpick. here, have some chai.

Jen: see that's the thing, that's what you need to learn.

me: what?

Jen: you chase around girls who have left. they're no longer on social media. they have disappeared into the ether. you force your way back into their lives by incessantly sending them texts and DMs. have you ever stopped to think to yourself that THEY DON'T WANT TO RETURN!!! there's a reason why you can't communicate with them anymore: they want it that way. they don't want to be found. THEY DON'T WANT TO BE REACHED!!!

me: it's always hard to know when people unceremoniously go dark forever. are they sad and lonely? or are they livin' it up in Cabo and just not recording themselves and posting themselves ever again?

Gladyce: OH MY GOD I WOKE UP WITH MY EYELIDS ALL TWISTED AND I COULDN'T CLOSE MY EYES!!!

Doryce: what happened, babe?!!!

Gladyce: it went away. but then i couldn't open my eyes.

Esmeralda Navarro: you know me. you remember me. you recognize me. it's me, from those Sonic commercials. with the long-fingernail claws and Latina bouffant and painted eyes. i was in a roller-derby league that was the forerunner to Rollerball...

UK: we support Ukraine. take the first two letters of the country's name...

Dirg: when a woman is looking at 3AM at an Instagram DM you sent her, she's horny. she's feeling it in waves on her body.

Zahra Toya: writing really IS important.

Melissa Maker: yeah i'm not gonna do a video on how i made this jar of DIY body butter, i'm sitting on a gold mine here!

Chad Maker: I am her body butter.

Melissa: i have one of the last 2 thesauruses left in the world.

Suzy Lu: i make the big bucks when i cry.

Collectacon: we're not just artichokes anymore.

Arby's new fish sandwich: we FINALLY made something here that's delectable enough to challenge the Filet-o-Fish from McDonalds. our white cream is saucier!!! and has bits of red and green chives!!!

Latka Gravas: i don't like potatoes. and i don't like it when youtube projects their videos on potatoes and projects their ideas about the world onto my insecurities.

Sergiy Stakhovsky: i hope to see my wife and 3 kids again. and play the frivolous game of tennis.

Rachel Davies: i'm an empath aboard a starship. i wear a grey or blue full-body suit. i have a thing for vice presidents with scratchy beards.

Sheryl Lee Ralph: i would have given Tom Cruise a kiss so juicy it would have turned Tom Cruise blind, it would have turned Tom Cruise Catholic.

Calum Scott: am i a prophet? yes, yes i am. the street i walk down in my "You Are The Reason" video, it's the famous boulevard in Kiev.

Matt Talbott: Hum's song "Waves" has the lyric

inside the walls

Matt Talbott: so yeah i'm a huge Attack on Titan geek.

Oscar Isaac as a janitor: hey man i can help you with your writing.

Dirg: yeah right, pal, i'm no fool. i know that SNL sketch of the creepy celebrity-laced fanfiction writer was a shot directed at me and my alternative comics.

NCAA Skiing Championships: if it's not on tv, it never happened. for 68 years.

Mardith: 39 years.

NCAA: where's my bib?

Takahashi: first, we're friends, right? we're buds like that, right?

Dirg: sure.

Takahashi: here's your Elden Ring MAIDENLESS poster, hang it up on your cell wall.

Elsa Klensch: look at my mic box, i did Square One Television.

Puck from Real World: i'm back in L.A. i'm looking to rent a Baywatch watchtower with 5 other people. Jillian Clare drank all my Windex smoothie.

Jimi Hendrix: i'm one of the 5.

Humphrey Bogart: i'm not one of the 5. why'd you do it, Puck?

Teen Titans Go: the new superheroes S & P, did you see their costumes? their superhero suits? 

P: superheroine suit.

Teen Titans Go: they wore yellow and blue colors. coincidence? i think not.

Laertus: i see yellow and blue everywhere now.

Celine to Ethan Hawke: it doesn't matter much commotion we get into, how combative we get, how many loud arguments we have funneled through colorful French swear-words instead of Budapestian euphemisms. how we fight over school schedules. grade school. the point is we're together for the long haul, we're in it for the long run, we're settled.

Gladyce: i figured out The Store!

Doryce: you did?!!! tell me, babe.

Gladyce: they keep the good stuff on those stands that jut out in front of each aisle. they're not at the register or on the shelves.

Doryce: sneaky.

Gladyce: that's where i found the iced-tea powder!

Doryce: the Southern Sweet Tea powder?!!!

Gladyce: no just the Raspberry powder.

Doryce: i also need one of those tea kettles you stick in your eardrum.

tanning nasal spray: don't worry, we come in bubblegum flavor.

Sean Penn pounding his chest at a park: this whole Russian War thing has made me feel like a man again!!! i have something to do again!!!

Zelenskyy: whatever the cost. i'm the modern Churchill. add some respec to my name, always add that extra Y.

Deepak Chopra enters the darkened ampitheatre of the TED Talk. it's hard to spot him cos he's wearing a long black robe with gold feathers. he stands on the spotlight on the stage and raises his arms legs and cheeks.

Deepak Chopra: ladies and germs, unfuck you. thank you.

Mardith: i can see into the future. i think thoughts deeply. my brain full of light language was Professor X's backup. is this why i'm depressed all the time?

Madame Pons: maybe you're just getting broody.

Alex Borstein: i mean listen to my TED Talk of my life story. i grew up on sin, raised in the household of Hollywood High. we were so bored, so truant, we played hooky and went to see the famous fingerprints and hands and butts in cement.

Mary Pickford: we did the wet-cement thing first.

Douglas Fairbanks: we were Hollywood's first It Couple.

Ben Affleck: fuck you! i hate you! all of you!

United Artists: at our formation, that's not Kramer from Seinfeld in the photo.

Alex Borstein: i mean think about it, we played hooky from the coolest school of all time. we were some jaded-ass kids!!! i knew i was gonna be an actress, that lifepath decision was made for me before i was born.

Ben Affleck: yeah, by me!

Alex Borstein: my punk friends and i destroyed the principal's car with a silver baseball bat in the parking lot. we saw a Datsun 200SX and our eyes turned red. but it wasn't Alex P Keaton's car, it was Marty McFly's car.

Laertus's dad: no it was my dad's car.

Buster Keaton: ...

Miss Ukraine 2018: Pinhead and Einstein, that would make a good sitcom.

Kurt Cobain: we can do this, we can save the planet, make it green again. give all the lithium from electric-car batteries to me.

Costco: we still have onions. but only for our introverts.

introverts: bravery?

Costco: no, hot-dog onions.

Trooke Bantor: i've been single for 10 years now, but i'm still going with the going-with-the-flow method, your method, your go-with-the-flow method. i'm still going with the flow 10 years on...

Mardith: thank you. namaste.

Mardith: i don't care what your MILLIONTH of anything is!!! it doesn't matter!!! every year of your life is a chapter in a book.

Eye Luggage: Rollerball and go, the cool one, the Seventies one, the 1975 one.

Keanu Reeves: this was the film that got me into acting. cos it was hardcore and brutal. in its roughness. and its rough philosophy. i was still a happy kid in the theater back then, watching it with River Phoenix...

James Caan: you couldn't hear the crowd noise, couldn't hear what they were chanting. they were chanting

JONATHAN

James Caan: but it sounded like ERROL FLYNN. who is a MUCH better actor than i am. and was in this movie.

John Houseman: i'm the Bond villain who gives little wrapped chocolates to my maid's daughters.

Maud Adams: speaking of Bond...

John Beck: wasn't i in Midnight Cowboy? i should have been. wasn't i the main guy in Van Nuys Blvd.? i'm the Marlboro Man's wayward son, his Chet-Hanks son.

Truman Hanks: i just play PlayStation 5.

Jim Carrey: Tom Hanks, how could you?

John Beck: man life in America was so great when John Wayne was President.

Moses Gunn: i'm not George Wallace. the comedian George Wallace.

George Wallace the comedian: i took that name intentionally.

Shane Rimmer: you've seen my face before. you know who i am. you think you know who i am.

Trent Reznor: ...

Nancy Bleier, with bleared eyes: i'm the only librarian you remember from this. after this i became a librarian in real life. Hollywood is hard.

Ralph Richardson: i am one of the THREE PILLARS of British man acting in the 20th century. only men take the stage. i was the quirkiest of the 3, i had a poetic almost magical almost mental way of acting and being in the world. i had views no one else had, not even my mother. Putin thought i was crazy. no harassment lawsuits to speak of so i'm cool, i could remain eccentric. Gielgud thought he was good. Larry Olivier can suck olives. i was the real man Walt Disney who was a robot was based on. when i did my lines i wasn't detached, i was depressed. i would phone Alec Baldwin for comfort but he was never home. Malcolm Gladwell told me to drink a Windex smoothie to get my voice to sound more like Sterling Holloway so i'd land more roles.

Laertus: wow, was this made in Munich after the Olympics incident!

James Caan: only place with a perfect circle for a roller-derby track.

Maynard James Keenan sipping wine: ...

Eye: Houston versus Madrid, the eternal rivalry.

Moonpie: of course one of the teams is Texas, we needed that red money. red-state money.

Laertus: well there's your first problem, you have a motorcycle on the track with the rollerskaters, that cannot end well.

Dirg: oh come on! you see how they're rollerskating?!!! they're dancing and prancing and gliding on their skates like aerobic pussies! this isn't ice dancing!!! these aren't real men in a real sport!!!

Johnny Weir: Rollerball isn't a real sport.

Mr. Bartholomew: you really ROLLED out there today, men. you're like the Los Angeles Lakers!!! of the next decade!!! here, Moonpie, take some of this casual cocaine, it'll make you think you're eating cheerleader moonpie. 

Moonpie: but it's all a dream. cos i'm already dead.

Bartholomew: all executives want to be athletes. all athletes want to be actors. all actors want to have a private life.

Jonathan: what's with the giant silver balls for an office?

Bartholomew: *meowing* it's the future. but it's the '70s future. come over here and think with me, Jonathan, just close your eyes and think.

Jonathan: what do you call this?

Bartholomew: meditation, i made it up, it's gonna be HUGE next decade. in the '80s. retire.

Jonathan: no sir, mama didn't raise no quitter!!!

Bartholomew: i fucked your mom. we're offering you an INSANE severance package, an obscene amount of money, you'll never want again, you can stay at your beloved ranch the rest of your life, you'll be a potted plant, a cornfield zombie.

Jonathan: no sir, i've seen Severance, that is one wackass show, my mind is too slow for so many machinations.

Joan Severance: ...

Bartholomew: there are no more wars. only money. everything is fine.

Jonathan: but what about Ella? you guys fucked Ella. figuratively and literally.

Bartholomew: i know nothing about that. they said she was an ice-queen in bed.

Daphne: want some casual cocaine by the fireplace?

Cletus: sure. pills or sugar?

Daphne: both. where's Mackie? the girl you macked on before me. 

Jonathan: how old do you think i am? got any Extasy?

Daphne: we're your girls. your girls you use to fuck the pain of your losses out on. that's why you're undefeated. 

Jonathan: can you tell me about the Wars that came before?

Cletus: the corporatocracy. oh you don't want to hear about that, it was messy. it was a quagmire. like Vietnam and the Ukraine War.

Quagmire: giggity. i created the first fireplace with a leopard-print pelt. wait that was a real leopard?!!! the librarian's mine.

Cletus: focus on your multiplication tables, okay Jonathan?

Jonathan: but i don't understand Common Core.

Cletus: you be the brute, i'll be the spy.

Jonathan: wait the library has no books? it's just one big computer?

LeVar Burton: tell me about it.

Jonathan: you're a cute librarian but i cannot countenance this. i learned that word in the 4th grade. if i gotta go to Switzerland and fight Federer for the supercomputer i will. 

Cletus: they're afraid of you cos you're an individual. individualism in this world is death, it disrupts the whole system, the whole order of things. if you're not a cog you're in danger. notice how there's only ONE Michael Jordan that ever lived.

LeBron James: they made Michael Jordan in a lab, that explains everything, that explains why i can never be him.

Jonathan: you can't come with me, Daphne.

Daphne: are you shitting me? you try to punch my face in on International Women's Day?!!!

Jonathan: you're a plant. i want to live the life of a potted plant. you're not paranoid i'm paranoid, i mean you're paranoid. i'm taking the chopper, i don't trust fixed-wing jet-fighter airplanes.

Daphne: and suddenly this turns into an episode of The Bionic Woman.

Jonathan: the rules of the game are simple, don't get killed. and don't learn how to ride a motorbike. when the silver ball comes shooting out of this silver chute, move your head if you don't want a concussion. hey skippy, why are you sleeping though my lecture?

Skippy from Family Ties: i want no part of your oil war, man. i'm a peace-loving hippie conscript against my will. a sport is a silent war.

Takahashi: you see what they're doing here? they're making it okay to make fun of the short Asian man rollerballers because they're highlighting that the Tokyo team probably uses some form of illegal woowoo martial arts that breaks backs and turns American men into anime fans.

Japanese spy: take the Japanese team seriously! they will KILL you with their kung fu!!!

Moonpie: don't worry, i just gotta rub their ganglia and they'll get off on it and die of a nosebleed.

at the Tokyo hospital.

Jonathan: will he live? can i have my dramatic bedside scene with Moonpie now?

anime doctor: one brawl too many. sign here and your friend's soul will turn into a cute spirit-cat who will drink all your milk.

Jonathan: can Moonpie still dream?

doctor: he dreams only of pussy now. not the spirit-cat.

Bartholomew: time for the Illuminati Zoom Call. when's the pandemic coming?

Roundtable: half a century.

Bartholomew: i don't care what anybody says, teleconferences are cool. wait where's David Bowie?

at the party.

Mackie: make yourselves at home, everyone. this mansion is in WEST Hollywood so go nuts. is everyone in their Clue cosplay? here have some casual cocaine in my lozenges tin. oh hello Jonathan, remember me?

Jonathan: does man really have that much bloodlust?

Mackie: i dunno, but YOU had a LOT of cum when you were with me, i swallowed it all, remember?

Jonathan: no, that had to be a trick! why do all the women go outside and shoot at tall trees with Battlestar Galactica lasers?

Wes Anderson: and suddenly this becomes one of my films.

Cuaron: YOU copied MY style.

Mackie: give em a break, they're just letting off a little steam, it sucks to be a kept girl.

Jonathan: okay i'm here.

Federer: and suddenly this becomes a James Bond snow scene. how did you get here?

Jonathan: i flew and boy are my arms tired.

Federer: i don't get that joke, you have to say it in Swiss. are you the famed ice king who can't score in bed?

Jonathan: i can score on the rollerball track, that's it.

Jonathan: all these mountains of tall towers for the Computer, don't you have anything pocketsized? 

Zero: i am the sum of all human knowledge, except anything pertaining to Billy Corgan's childhood.

The Librarian: Zero here is actually one long tongue of Windex-blue saltwater taffy, the computer is all liquid, drink it and be merry. get drunk, that's all you can do. my name is Ralph Richardson, i have the initials RR, as in railroaded. i rang Merlin for career advice but he's never home.

Zero: i cannot help you. despite knowing everything. this reveals the flaw in having encyclopedic knowledge.

Laertus's dad: tell me about it, being an encyclopedic writer is not all it's cracked up to be.

Moonpie: maybe the computer should use flash cards. paper flash cards.

Jonathan: who makes the decisions?

Zero: God.

Jonathan: who is God?

Zero: a hologram run by a person.

George Jetson's finger: ...

Ella: look Jonathan, if you want me back as your wife, you have to not rock the boat, you have to be an unquestioning nobody in the System. it's the only way we'll all be happy, if you don't, only YOU will be happy.

Jonathan: don't try to Jennifer Pizarro me!!! don't try to Alana Haim me!!! i just wanted you by my side. me and you against the world, remember Paris? remember what we promised each other in Paris? i'm deleting the tape i made of you.

Ella: good, that tape was creepy and stalkerish.

Bartholomew: fine, defeat New York and become Champion, but you only win if you burn the rink down to the ground.

Jonathan: yes, i will burn the whole system down, symbolically.

Batholomew: that's not what i meant, i just want a new stadium.

Jonathan: i refuse to kill anymore, sports are meant to REPLACE war. pay close attention, i'm taking the world's first silent victory lap. look at my face as it hurtles towards you the audience at home as i break the fourth wall to classical music. 

Howard Cosell: and now for the interview. so Rollerball is going to become a real sport. 8 teams, 1 league, run by Roger Goodell in the spring. how do you feel about this?

Norman Jewison slaps his forehead.

Norman: you seller, you MISSED THE WHOLE POINT of the movie!!! the point is this is what should NOT happen in society!!! 

Cosell: come on this is tenable. we'll have Muhammad Ali advertise the league on tv, he'll go to each city and open up a soup kitchen to distract from the secret profits. fine, we'll substitute chili for soup one week.

Dirg: this needs to happen. Rollerball needs to be REAL and on Amazon Network. society's gotten too soft.

Cosell: fine, no contact sports. how about tennis? Rollertennis?

Ebert: all the classical music in here, this movie is just a tired A Clockwork Orange ripoff, no energy to it at all.

Caan: have you ever played sports, fatso? 

Siskel: even I played sports.

Bach: the piece is my Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. get it right, you uncouth slobs. i was fat but even I played sports. netball. floorball at the elementary-school gym.

Takahashi does the video-game interview.

Takahashi: i mean.........you gotta admit.........the 1988 video game Speedball is INSANELY SIMILAR to Rollerball's Rollerball.

Speedball: no comment. and no paintball tanks please...

Zelenskyy: we have chess grandmasters in Ukraine, too. g'night folks. everyone around the globe, pray for Ukraine.

a big GIANT humongous raccoon is perched on the monastery roof!!!

Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: who are you?

Ranger Rick: the raccoon of death, with beady red eyes. just kidding, i'm just large for my weight i mean age so people are scared of me but i'm actually quite docile. look into my dewy puppy-dog eyes. i love the frigid cold i don't wear a coat. i love the smell of wet tile in the dead of night.

cats: was that you fighting on top of the roof?

Ranger Rick: there's nothing of value in a monastery! 

cats: you're just lucky that the fence had to be sawed in half to make it a half-fence by government regulation thus making it easier for you to perch on.

Ranger Rick: don't these blokes follow God's law?  

cats: what did you do to our friend Graykid? he hasn't been seen in weeks!

Ranger Rick: no idea to whom you are referring. late, i gotta rummage through that kid's backpack for some trail mix.

the cats hug on each other and cry together.

Dirg is gobsmacked, he cannot talk.

Dirg: who are you?

the boy answers then the girl. they are both dressed in cat pajamas.

boy: Sebastien. like Russian Disney.

girl: Daryna.

Dirg: damn, i mean darn. i mean how old are you?

kids: 15.

Dirg: and you still wear pajamas with the bottom as a flap-door held with a silver safety pin? 

kids: he's coming!!! Santa's coming!!!

the kids race the beige-carpeted stairs up, up the waxy banister, and jump into their beds next to the giant gold circular body-mirror that's an extension of the glitter chandelier. Sebastien and Daryna kiss each of the two oil paintings of 18th-century Russian monarchs hovering over their beds then kiss each other on the mouth but in a brother-sister way.

kids: if we don't go to sleep Santa won't come!!!

Dirg sees the whole scene. he stands there in the diamond foyer, stunned. Dirg starts to cry, this is the first time Dirg has ever cried in public.