I'M ONLY WEARING PANTIES...

notes:

* narrated by the Shivering Truth narrator...

* that's how you say "panties" in Wisconsin

* Willem Dafoe is the greatest thing to ever come out of Wisconsin...not counting all the milk and cheese...and Aaron Rodgers's porn stache...

* that screengrab looks like Battlestar Galactica in the Solid Gold '70s...

* i seriously want "When Panties Fly" taught in schools as a Homeric epic poem. like right after Longfellow and leg day

* the only one not sexy in that list was going to the bathroom

* why is man ashamed of looking inside panties before the washer? there were always coins in my unwashed panties

* not that Downey commercial with the dancing and hijinks and ahegao expressions. we need more Asian representation tho. Bowen Yang is doing a fabulous job!

* so we're treating panties like the making of wax crayons on Sesame Street. all panties come from...…...CARNIVALE IN RIO!!!

* see? the only good use for oil

* ever wonder where all those rubber bands used to bundle letters and packages together in the mail go afterwards? well they all go to your underwear, helping to make your own package stretchy and bulk.

* if this is true, why aren't zebra-print panties sexy? same principle applies. see, zebras are the weird cousin of the animal kingdom, they like Smiths and Portlandia, they don't like to fight unless it's over Pokémon or Frank Zappa cards. i always get the feeling that God really wanted zebras to have green mohawks...

* alpha males didn't wear animal skins to show status, they did it to keep their cocks from freezing into popsicles cos if that happened the whole societal structure is meaningless

* the Chinese were smart, they used all their leftover tea doilies to make their undergarments

* the Chinese once prized small feet. but then the geishas and ballerinas revolted, so they prized small hands. that was agreeable, you just needed to push the red button...

* that's not a bidet! not a protruding pregnancy test! that's a camera in that toilet!

* robots will never be as creative as Bjork

* you don't need to use a mannequin's hand, you can use your own hand, no one will know who you are

* so many atomic wedgies wasted, we could have used them to solve our energy crisis by now

* strum it like a guitar. create art that rivals Duct Banana. well let's be honest you're really working out your thigh gap. don't be stupid with that, make sure the mannequin is the one holding the weight. or you could just sketch bridge blueprints...

* panties could be sold wthout mannequins, display them like a Bart Simpson slingshot. stores won't let you try on panties cos there could be excrement, you have to go to the bathroom first, on the third floor. also, guy, cut off that ponytail, that could be the problem, too.

* honestly, you look more ridiculous in a thong than you would a panty line

* but 19th turn of the century granny panties were HOT!!! all that fabric from the bloomers/one-piece body swimsuits, all that lace and bow string you have to undo to get to the thigh, all those buttons and clasps, by the time you unfastened everything and got there you had done work!

* more skin makes me nervous...

* and that Chinese folklore god was...…...Confucius...

* "came and went", wink wink

* what's with that cult with the nurse hats and the gas masks? i see them everywhere. some sort of World War II secret ballroom-dance thing. or is it 1917? it's in all the Nine Inch Nails and My Chemical Romance videos...

* no, BSDM stands for Blessed Saint Dominei Martyr, a religious organization

* never be afraid of a suds station, it leads to a studs station. everyone in the '70s met their life partner at a laundromat, they would exchange roller skates---revealing the location of the key---and the rest was history...

* i love that all the panties were being thrown at the all-girl band

* the only musician who keeps the panties is Keith Richards...

* a dumpster diver who looks like an exotic monkey?

* now i get it! the vagina is shaped like a champagne glass!

* hey, the Colosseum would be appealing if that Titan hadn't decided to take a big bite out of it, now it looks like a giant Dortio chip or half-eaten waffle cone

*  what we're saying is: NO amount of diet and exercise can overcome gravity.

* "hey, why are you drawing a red Satanic star on my cheek?"

* these plastic surgeons were once butchers...

* buy candy panties to squeeze out the middle man. all of this excess sugar has led to the return of sugar nips...

* woman=champagne glass, man=box

* there's a blue tax on male panties cos male panties are kinky

* Marie Kondo: hey don't blame me, corn dogs are an American thing, not a Japanese thing. my clients---all men---stick corn dogs in their panties anyway.

* the average American woman can play Jamaican drums. the average British man? tis but a small keyboard.

* how do you throw away a trash can?

* perverts are females, too. perverts will save the planet! they will win the world! all the watching of that anime about panties paid off! in 100 years, the only humans left roaming the Earth will be perverts!

* preservationist comes from the base word pervert

* Amish: we don't follow mainstream values, therefore, we're sex freaks, since mainstream Americans mostly engage in missionary.

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Garlic Bulbs Pizza from Pizza Hut, cos you don't want vampires roaming around this holy time of year!

may your Yule be Dr. Steve Brule. i'm predicting an Eddie Murphy ice ending! and then when Eddie falls through the ice on a huge fossilized crack they discover John Belushi and Chris Farley were under that ice the whole time preserved and alive!!!...

CROSSINGS: MOUNTING MAYA

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TMIT: THE VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS EPISODE

1. have you ever kissed someone under mistletoe?

yes. i was working late in the lab, doing "seasonal" holiday hours which just means you work long hours during the holidays and it sucks. then she came in, a vision in yellow!, and Amazon-position-sexed me so hard i went blind, that's why i need glasses. and that's why she's a Power Ranger.

that's how it should have gone down, when Scrozzle trapped the Rangers into ornament balls on that Christmas tree. but alas, no kiss, even tho it's Nickelodeon and not Disney...

2. eggnog or hot chocolate?

i can't have nog anymore after Nog from Deep Space Nine died. in memory of Mr. Roper whenever i get offered hot chocolate i tell the person,

"hey, can you make it stronger? i'm feeling like a strong drink today, can you convert that chocolate into cocoa? you know what to do..."

3. colored or white lights on a Christmas tree?

come on, let's come together this Christmas, we have to, we NEED to, or we'll be divided forever. whatever you do, don't use the blinking lights, the cats will go crazy...

4. real or fake Christmas Tree?

i love the scent of pine in the morning. i love it under my bed sheets first thing in the morning, in my nose, overpowering my den, and in my cocoa. whenever i smell pine i think about how long it's been since Gravity Falls was canceled...

but alas, no more. i have cats now so it's gonna be plastic pines from now on. sometimes i fart in my den and it's so strong my cats cover their little wet Triforce noses with their paws. but you know, it just isn't the same...

5. what tops your Christmas tree?

my cat. me. my grandma sleeping.

6. candy canes: yuck or yum?

just don't get the chocolate ones...

7. what is your favorite holiday dessert?

Reese's chocolate trees. it doesn't make a lick of sense, right? but it's festive. they are simply Reese's peanut-butter-cups shaped like a Christmas tree, but they taste DIFFERENT somehow, BETTER. it's a unique taste, a holiday texture on my tongue, feels good in my mouth, it tastes just right for the time, they just...…...TASTE LIKE CHRISTMAS!!!

BONUS: are you going on holiday during the December holiday season? where?

i'm a bear. as in i'm hibernating in my cave this entire month until all the parties and end-of-year things are over so i can pop my snow-covered head back out, see Thumper, and know it's safe again to come out...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

WHAT 2049 WILL ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE

notes:

* i'll still holding out hope for the flying cars. *fingers-crossed emoji, they finally did the fingers-crossed emoji...*

* back when being a Drifter was a good thing

* the old GE Building, viciously mocked by Michael O'Donoghue in the '80s...

* hello. i'm an expat. my name used to be Patrick.

* Facebook group: hello, dad.
dad: whoa, i thought Facebook was evil.

* dad: what are you doing, daughter?
daughter: i'm a modern kid, i'm practicing my mini-finger-violin whilst coloring your adult coloring book whilst watching a very rare Chinese anime...

* dad: so pecans, vanilla, and maple syrup...
Facebook group: sex thing?
dad: no, i want to make a pecan pie.
Facebook Group: but pecan pie is disgusting.

* FG: check the market at the corner.
dad: every market is at the corner.
FG: i'll be the Asian man with the long black hair.
dad: come on, dude, these are cyberpunk times, everyone has the Trent Reznor hair. how many miles is it?
FG: don't worry, the subway train flies...

* daughter: daddy, why don't you look like me?
dad: not now, honey, we gotta do this pecan pie thing.

* daughter: in the future, there is only one car: the Fooly Cooly scooter.
dad: what the fuck. *wags fist* Sunday driver!
daughter: there are no more days. didn't you see Midnight Cowboy, dad? even I saw Midnight Cowboy, it won the Oscar on Jeopardy!!!

* dad: what these vanilla beans smell like to you?
daughter: white christmas. since all of our days are sunless now. don't stick them up my nose.

* dad: no sir, sir, don't stick your hand in your pants, i don't want to fight, i'm looking for pecan nuts.
daughter: oooh, look how colorful the paint station is!
store clerk's wife: Jean-Claude Van Damme, whatever happened to him? he was so KUH-YUTE!

* dad: hey! you're that guy from the fashion commercial!
baldy: thank you! everyone thinks i'm a monk or Aang.
daughter: can i have your cat?

* at the cornershop:
dad: brimful of asha?
clerk: not cool, dude. what are the origins of a one-hit wonder? we're like 7-Eleven but we don't sell skin mags anymore. still got the hot white fluorescent lighting tho. and plaid shirts and backwards ball caps.

* dad: Jiri's shop...whoa! Jere Burns! where the fuck have you been, partner!?
Jere: hey who pays the electric bill for all this neon lighting?
dad: Bernie. Bernie Burns.

* dad: what time is it? we're late!
daughter: there is no time. there is only The Eternal Moment of Now.
dad: cute, dear, but did mom say 7 AM or PM?
daughter: 7 CM.

* old man: hold your horses, whippersnapper.
daughter: horseracing is immoral.
old man: my last bottle of maple syrup.
daughter: why does it taste like polish for your shoes?
old man: shame what happened to Canada after the Trudeau years...

* dad: *running upstairs at the metro* got the BART ticket!!?
daughter: nope. the Simpsons already did it. i'll just jump the gate like all we postmillennials do.

* daughter: can we make pancakes!!?
dad: no.
daughter: damn.
daughter: happy birthday, mom!
wife: but this is pie, not cake.
daughter: i knew i should've got candles. but candles are outlawed. except neon candles.
wife: thank you, honey. and vanilla-honey. but remember, we talked about that thing about Time when it came to women...
dad kisses wife.
wife: you know, babe, in this neon light, i never noticed this but you look like a young Jere Burns! so how do you like the family Christmas present! notice anything about our front door?
dad and daughter: Cosby Show!
wife: damn right. i pay taxes. our apartment is straight-up Working Girl from the outside drone view.
wife: oh god, this pie is disgusting! nuh uh, no pecan, i like apple, Dutch apple.
daughter: now i get it.

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: speaking of pie, no there's no Holiday Pie at McDonald's this year---doing the clever-marketing-campaign McRib-style where you starve the customers for 5 years so they can't wait to have that rare item again---so i guess i'll have to get that new BBQ McBurger. at least make the bacon sugar bacon for the festive holiday season...

CROSSINGS: PORN AS ART

Pelosi: don't mess with me! i'm Catholic, i hate no one. the only people i hate are bait reporters.

The Pope: is it just me or is Nancy hot. like really hot for her age. those gilf tits held up well, tits go through the ringer in San Francisco, take it from me, i've been there.

President Bump: i believe you. no fair, Nancy! what's with the gilf gills? what's with your turkey neck? Thanksgiving was over years ago!

Mueller: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!? i mean i waste two years of my life doing this damn report---missing birthday parties, MY birthday party, birthday parties in December cos no one attends those---all so you can NOT USE IT!!!

Turley: *on Nunes's public payphone* Bob, just answer me this one question and i'll leave you alone forever i swear. am i handsome? i am, right? i got that hair and those dreamy eyes...

Mueller: how'd you get this number?

Sylvester Stallone visits the Cream House:

Sly: you know why i'm here, Mr. President, and it's not for any more photoshoot photoshop posters. i'm here to pardon all the boxers i can...

Bump: i don't get it. how can Nancy have an in with God? i'm Codrus's son for fuck sake!!!

Codrus: see. it's that. not that i care, but you've never prayed to me once, my son. which is strange cos usually the dumb ones are my steady flock.

Rudy: i've brought out my secret weapon: a babe! when in doubt, when all else fails, trot out a babe and America gets flustered and distracted.

Bump: no fair! i want my babe! where the hell is everybody!!? the reason i imitate orgasm at my rallies is i really want Lisa Page to be my page and do that in front of me, it's been so long since i've heard those sounds for real in the Lincoln Bedroom. it's that Deep Pack thing, wish fulfillment, you say it out loud to put it out there in the universe...

The Pope: you gotta admit, it's hard to be mad at the woman when she's so hot. not madatcha. just thinking about that affair gets me bothered. as in hot and bothered. i'm all for adultery, it cuts down on the divorce rate.

Dirg: conceded.

Bump: what's the haps, Nigel?

Nigel Farage: i thought this was all fun and games. i thought i was Nigella Lawson foraging for blueberries with my teeth but turns out i'm Nigel Thornberry. i drank the milk like everyone else, thought it was a hot toddy. but i may end up being the single individual responsible for bringing about the end of civilization. i wonder, i inquire, does that make me a candidate for Time Person of the Year? remember, they were considering Hitler at one point...

Eye Luggage: that's the thing, folks, it's not fun and games. you have to always be mindful and compassionate. watch your words, there are lasting consequences. it's all fun and games for one day, one week, one news cycle, but you never see the trail of destruction left in your wake. Katie Hill considered self-harm...

Teuila Blakely: is that my cue? so, the Power Rangers finale...

Dirg: man what a letdown. gun and games would have been better. it was weird, all this time, all this buildup for the Snake Guy in the Grid Underground to finally rise up and materialize on Earth and spit fire down the gullet of Los Angeles, and none of that ever happens! you get no Bad Guy on Earth! no Venom Viper walking down the street slinking slithering S-patterning and essing like all the other snakes and eses in L.A.! what a nothingburger!

Teuila: my name literally translates as "Not". as in not today, Satan Snake. talk to my very famous hand. talk to the hand, young people still say that, right? not that i'm still cougaring.

Laertus: my prediction for the Christmas special: there's gonna be mistletoe and the blonde Yellow Ranger---i just got that now---and the lab geek---representing all of us---will kiss. if this was Nick At Nite---at least the Nick At Nite of the '90s---there would be tongue. and St. Nick would make an appearance bottomless for laughs cos of course he has property in Florida.

Kaep: speaking of game, consider the enormous pressure on the foot of a kicker. it's the kicker who determines EVERYTHING. after an hour of hard work by (remember the) titans and the last of the giants, the slight kicker's one action determines: whether coaches stay, players get traded, what level and quality of hot supermodel the quarterback gets, whether a team has built up a legacy so undeniable in this results-based world that they can cheat and nobody can do a damn thing about it. those 3 little points...

Eye: i'm gonna try out. i mean it seems easy enough, right? there is SO MUCH SPACE in that rectangle, it'd be impossible not to kick a small ball through! i think of it as a big tuning fork, a metal guitar, a witch wand in training...

Alex Trebek: speaking of game......okay, look., i don't give a damn, just make it less confusing, hold the Oscars IN THE SAME YEAR the films come out!!!

Llywarch: should i take this one or...?

Gaucelm: go head. imma head out

Llywarch: i mean the Justin thing. Timberlake this time, not Bieber. it's not official---nothing is official anymore---until it's done on Instagram. the wife wants an apology IN INSTAGRAM or it doesn't count!!!

Dirg: speaking of benchings, please tell me Cara and Ashley didn't break up! no, that destroys my fantasy! that Cara is deve-LEAN. Lean Pockets. i still will always be thinking they had at least ONE rump-romp session in the sex bench.

Eye: Ashley confirmed on Instagram that she's still in Cara. and into Cara. so there you have it, the truth.

Gaucelm: love isn't fake...
.
Dirg: bizarre, eh? Ashley Benson is no relation to Amber Benson yet the two could be sister-cousins.

the crones are at the Signature Room on the 95th with John Hughes. in Chicago:

Gladyce: oh dear! i'll catch my death up here! hold me, dear! i'm deathly afraid of heights!

Doryce: really? learn something new everyday. that's why relationships never get old. next time i'll let you swing from the chandeliers to conquer your fear. don't worry, lover, you can fly, remember!? use your broom.

John Hughes: um, so are we gonna order or what?

Doryce: sorry, John, you order for us. second thought, you pay all the bill. what's your reco? you're the tourguide around here.

John: well if we're talking Chicago we're talking pizza. deep dish. or something they make in a bucket.

Gladyce: you know i think my first starter will be the soup. this reminds me of the Lipton soup-in-a-box i always have. red box.

John: dick in a box? very festive for Christmas.

Gladyce: here's a life hack out of love: DON'T add FOUR cups of water like they say on the box.

Doryce: i'm so happy YOU can read fine print again.

Gladyce: four cups of soup is too much, that feeds four people, i had all that in one lunch, my tummy was bloated for a week, i didn't have a food baby, i had a drink baby.

Doryce: we shall have our own baby some day...

Gladyce: instead with the Noodle Mix---there's no more Chicken Noodle Mix anywhere left in the world---use THREE cups of water with the mix. much more manageable.

John: haha. tell us about your bags. no i don't mean you're bags, i mean the plastic bags you use, they were funnily large.

Gladyce: oh yes, well i got bags for everything as you know. except i got the industrial-sized insanely-big bags that are meant to hold like whole turkeys. so all the food looks ridiculously small in these bags.

Trent Reznor: i don't think you're ridiculous.

Gladyce: tell us about the old days, John.

John: well the parades, you know? they just weren't cool like the marching bands in Portlandia. a city needs a marching band---not just a high school---it brings the community together.

Doryce: and just need your signature here and here, John.

John: what did i just sign? hey can i stand up on one of your brooms?

Doryce: sorry, too high, insurance and all. with your weight!? see how terrible it is to always be called fat?...

John: but i'm already dead...can't you see how blue i am?

crones: we just thought you were really into blueberry pizza.

in Cecily Strong's apartment, she and Mikey Day are having rapturous sex, so hard and sloppy the bricks in the walls come loose from the heat melting the cement...

Cecily: fuck me like i'm a dumb blonde!

Mikey: fuck me like i'm Eddie Murphy!!!

they both collapse in a sea of cum.

Mikey: *sweating and reddily* this is a new day for me!

Cecily: you mean a new life. want some cereal and CNN?

they're finished, and the sheets are white. not from the whip cream.

Cecily: real cigarettes or the candy cigarettes? i wasn't sure so i got both.

Mikey: neither, thank you, i'm on a diet, i'm trying to cut back, i just drank a gallon of milk. i may lose my job but i fucked Cecily Strong so i win life. take that, mom and dad! and Lorne! this is why i became an actor! so...……why me? i'm the nerd of the cast, i get cast as the SNL dork in all the skits.

Cecily: *chewing on a cigarette* you remind me of my ex. like no offense, but you look EXACTLY like my ex. i go for the skinny boys.

Mikey: i am so nervous for Eddie Murphy. the Eddie Murphy show that is. that episode is gonna be the television event of the year! right at the end of the year there!

Cecily: yeah, but i wish Eddie came when it wasn't also the Christmas special. like i've always wondered how Betty White would have done if she hadn't done the Christmas show. like how is Betty White in no-holiday sketch comedy? how's her chops? let's see if she's really America's sweetheart then...

Betty White pops up from under the covers.

Betty White: bitch you jus' jealous of my ass. you hatin' on my hiney. take a look at a photo of me when i was a young starlet, stare at that butt of mine and weep, i was the original Kim K!!!

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how...oh yeah, Her. i mean can a man with a cool mustache like that really be considered a nerd?

Laertus: you can't fool us with the glasses, WE know what it's like to be real nerds!

Dirg: Joaquin's sporting the '70s porn stache!!!

Laertus: Into The Labyrinth...

Tyzik: yeah i only have one thing to say about that: it's just one big long slumber party. with the pillow fort. and the maze made of pillows. and the sheets. and it goes on WAY too long. you know how you reach that hour in the slumber party when things really slow down and you're itching and bored and can't wait to go to sleep so you can wake up the next morning and get the shit hell out of that strange house?...

Eye: toonami stuff?

Tyzik: i wish the Food Wars marathon was just that, a marathon. why have two premiere new episodes? the point of a marathon is to go to sleep at 11 like a normal person! new The Forge only at 11 just to force people to tune in to the marathon...

Dirg: dems the hook

Eye: Pink Flamingos and go...wow...i had no idea...i mean you hear stories about trailer parks but...either my mom or my lover will end up in one...

Laertus: before we start, can we talk about how John Waters did something even more brilliant? he did the kid's version of this film! yes, the KIDS' version of this film!!! i don't know how he did it, but he manages to pull it off!!! it's like one of those things that's impossible to do in art---it's too inconceivable incongruous and wild---so when he does it, it's...

Dirg: you're not about to knight John Waters a genius, are you?

Laertus: i'm finna sing "My Way" Sinatra-and-Blade-Runner-2049-style bout now. i DON'T want the planned sequel to Pink Flamingos now, Divine's dead, it would NEVER be the same without Divine, don't make this another Fox Live! Musical! the man with the thin mustache---John Waters Not Hughes---did it his way, he made the film he wanted to make---he knew this would be banned and spat upon and labeled trash and shown in one theatre in Australia and the trailer would contain no actual footage of the film and the damn thing would only get an uncensored DVD in Papua New Guinea. but he did it, the man DID IT.

Eye: he does accomplish. he revels in it being trash, he wants it to be trash, but in so doing he makes his statement. he is able to conjure up EXACTLY his script with all the words and emotions intact---there are benefits to low-budget filmmaking when you do EVERYTHING on a film---he says what he wanted to say with this film, no edits, and so he wins.

Dirg: can i just say---and i'm being honest---Divine can get it. seriously. she's---uh, he's---attractive. i dunno what it is, i think it's the makeup, those diamond eyes are like atomic vultures! rawr!

Eye: are you sure it isn't her brillopad hair or that fabulous ravishing-red Little Mermaid shell dress? take that, Little Mermaid Live!

Laertus: or Divine as Ursula, the avenging-angel angle works either way.

Laertus: it was Divine's general magnetism, his life was amazing. i wonder when you're a boy growing up on farmland and you dream about being a counterculture icon. dreaming that one day you'll be dubbed Divine by a strange man with a wacky heart. and Divine's poor mother, he made sure she didn't see him eating dog feces. he told his mother that was all movie magic to spare her heart. precious.

Eye: you know you think this film takes place in Alabama or something but it's Maryland. and the only magic comes from that gazing ball on the lawn. i mean when you think of Baltimore you think of Action Jackson!

Lamar Jackson: it's so easy. i can't believe nobody ever thought of it before! in the entire 100-year history of the NFL, NOBODY thought to have the quarterback both throw AND run!!?

Laertus: can we just say?: this film GOES THERE. it really GOES THERE. more than any Degrassi dream ever could lucid. it's as hardcore as it gets. let's talk about the critics...

Eye: so they say this film is perfect abject art.

Dirg: it's abjectionable...

Eye: it's the purest undistilled unalloyed example of the punk ethic.

Laertus: truly. no filter whatsoever, feelings are expressed as harshly and cruelly and honestly as can possibly be. we don't have punk music like this film anymore.

Dirg: that's why everyone loves porn, it's honest. btw, wasn't Mink Stole---otherwise known as Nightmare Janine Melnitz---a bigger star than Divine at the time? she helped usher Divine into the mainstream of which she was a part, underground. i dunno, i just like her tits.

Laertus: yeah i think i read that somewhere. obviously the tables switched after. the gun, not the switchblade. you know i love how John Waters has his own local repertory of actors who act in all his films, saves on auditions, and it proves loyalty, real non-Bump loyalty. the three of us should audition for the next Obec play, see if we have the stuff to do indie stuff...

Dirg: okay, when do we talk about the chicken scene? i mean there's choking the chicken but that was ridiculous. what sick people get off on this sort of thing? it was the first and only time in my life where i called PETA...

Laertus: agreed. abhorrent. i mean this is worse than Lars could ever conceive. this made me physically ill and made me a vegan on the spot, tho strangely it didn't get me off porn. i could still get off.

Eye: I NEVER WANT TO SEE THAT SCENE AGAIN!!!!!

Laertus: notice how the only song they could use that cleared clearances was The Birthday Song. that was hilarious!

Dirg: notice in that same scene at the post office, that black dude is all bewildered. he's thinking to himself, what the fuck did i do to end up in this cracker-fantasy hot mess of a local documentary which will not air on PBS. it does have that grainy PBS feel to it tho.

Dirg: what is this?: a documentary, a movie, a film, a snuff film, a porn, or an experimental film?

Laertus: all of the above, porn as art. i mean from afar you could rightly label this a long porno. it has all the elements of a porno, it has that cheap-tape look to it, stock characters, and it's all done out in the wilderness and downtown. flashers with salami dongs, trying to suck your own dick and settling for licking your own balls, prolapsed anus like a rubberband jumprope, native dances, general redneck shenanigans, of course the burning of the trailer park, ritual Satanic Mass, laundromats i love laundromats, and those shooting murders near a tree as if trying to provide a modicum of catharsis for lynchings. revenge porn. swift justice meant to shock. no jury trial, life is cheap.

Eye: trying to heal the LGBT divide. transgender rights, normalizing people, integrating them into society. going to Boise! this film is rightly praised for giving a voice to it all, sorely-needed representation in the iconic persona of Divine, the divine superheroine for freedom and justice, for gays globewide. i have to agree Divine is fabulous in every way! most of all, she's strong.

Dirg: Divine was everyone's first drag queen. i can't say the dyed punks didn't deserve to die. i mean their priorities were WAY screwed up, who wants to be the filthiest? what is this, the Bump Era?

Eye: close, the Nixon Era. these were the Helter Skelter times, when the summers were too hot at night and long. as much as this film wants to be an exploitation film, i think it ends up being an experimental film, it becomes a classic---not just a cult-classic---almost in spite of itsef, it turns into a work of art. as John said later in an interview, "you know, my movie is about people. that's it. these are people i knew, grew up with, not all people are like you, that's what validates it, it's a simple honest portrayal of human beings."

Dirg: i just love John Waters's voice, it has that high-pitched don't-give-a-fuck holla to it. my headcanon is that his pencil mustache came from the pencil he used to pen Pink Flamingos. the pink flamingo lawn ornament later served as the inspiration for the Three's Company intro...

Eye: the mama who had a fixation on eggs was adorable! i wish my mom was like that! personality-wise i mean. i really wished she could have gotten back on her feet. like literally, get out of that crib! and start her own dot-com Eggbeaters business. whatever business that name entails. awww, i want Egg Mama to be happy with the love of her life, Mr. McFeely.

Dirg: get off welfare.

Laertus: gotta love the spooky furniture which comes to life and swallows you whole. at first you don't know if the film will really go there, but then you get to the baby-making dungeon. black-market babies, that doesn't sound right in any era.

Dirg: a mother giving her son fellatio isn't as shocking anymore, but it was then. then again, the porn of now claims to be incest but you know the actors aren't related. any last-minute Christmas gifts on your list? there's always poo in a box...dog shit, we might as well talk about it now...

Laertus: now THAT's committing to the script. will we three be as courageous when it's our turn to act?

Dirg: yeah but for all we know that was just chocolate. i mean the guns looked real, too. was that the first time in movie history a gun was pointed directly at the camera to the audience like that? breaking the fourth wall? i still wished that Hitler Girl would have made the cut. good night, folks.

Laertus: Eye and i have to take a shower...

Rubikon: man. folks. i mean, where are the Lightsaber emojis on Instagram? there should at least be a candy cane emoji by now.

Rubikon continues his online chat with Mickey Bump Jr. much to Jr's chagrin:

Rubikon: you like chocolate?

Mickey Jr: i don't know who you are, but when i find out, i'm gonna rain down the overwhelming might of The Coast Guard on your single ass!!!

Rubikon responds with a lightsaber and candy-cane emoji.

Mickey Jr: is that some sort of deep-state symbology? some Mr. Pickles Brian Griffin distraction ruse? i'll figure it out. and when i do......James Bond had his Q and i have mine!

Rubikon: you my precious kitty cat

Mickey Jr: i swear, say that to me one more time to my face, i'm closing my eyes in kneejerk pathological anger. just one more time...

Rubikon: you my precious kitty cat

it's late, Rubikon turns off his computer and heads out. to Domino's Pizza for some chocolate lava crunch cakes...

TMIT: MERRY CHRISTMAS, MULTIVERSE

1. Christmas music is everywhere. it has been on the radio in my area since mid-November. if you had to listen to Christmas music from one artist---nonstop during December---who would be crooning those holiday tunes? MUST PICK. why? why?

a) Harry Connick. Jr.

b) Mariah Carey

i used to be one of those who hated Christmas music coming on, despised the season, cos i was a moody-blues why-me doomy teenager and this time of year only deepened my depression. but now, well, i kinda don't care anymore, it actually serves as a distraction.

i got a thing for Mariah Carey, she's hot, sexy, chaste, and a little crazy. i like how she says she can count her sexual partners on one hand. meanwhile Nick Cannon is currently helping Lindsay Lohan with her stuff. i want more of the zany Mariah when she went on Carson Daly, that version would be fun to hang with.

as Mariah always says, Christmas officially starts the day after Halloween. the first time i saw Mariah i thought she was a Christian artist cos i saw her with a grunge-plaid shirttail wrapped around her bellybutton as she frolicked in the field daisies. meanwhile Nick Cannon brought back All That, that was him, right? yeah, that show just isn't the same...

maybe Nick can help with that AGT mess. notice how Simon Cowell doesn't issue a statement, the first thing he does is lawyer up. Simon's been in Hollywood for some time now.

o, Mariah's voice on O Holy Night is literally out of this world! NOBODY can sang like this woman! you're waiting for that one O Holy Night high note, and Mariah knocks it out of the park in her Mariah-octave that only her tongue can reach!

meanwhile Harry Connick, Jr. he was a good match for Mariska on SVU. does he still have that talk show? i remember Mariska was his first guest on his show, cos he's like, i better get some recompense for doing SVU. SVU can't last forever, right? the writers MUST end it with Mariska finally happy. this is how it must go down to please everyone: Stabler comes back for the series finale to get down on one knee at Central Park to ask for Mariska's hand in marriage. then Mariska turns to the camera and says coyly, "i'll think about it". and that's how the show ends, this cliffhanger will please all fans.

2. in 2019, in the bedroom, were you mostly naughty or nice? in the bedroom, i was a church mouse. on the park bench tho...

3. in your next sexcapade, whom will you be joining and boning?

a) Mr and Mrs. Claus
b) Grinch
c) Frosty the Snowman
d) 4 of Santa's elves

a) i just want Brad and Angelina to get back together, they're OTP.
b) look, the Grinch just needed to get laid, that was his problem. take it from me, Grinch, living up atop a snowy mountain like a monk is not good for your psychological health.
c) i know the real reason Frosty melted. we had a simultaneous cumming and i exploded in my mind and he orgasmed so hard he literally exploded into droplets.
d) i know nobody buys wooden toys anymore, but when Gargamel saw the elf conveyor belt the other day and saw the entire manufacturing model was now sex toys, he immediately whistleblowered Santa...

4. do you celebrate any holidays in December?

if you look at the pagan holidays, it's a mixed bag. and blessing. on the one hand, this time of year is a bummer cos everything is about endings: the year ends, the season ends, the crop ends, the harvest ends, the moon plays under the fog, the trees have no leaves and will leave you, there's only enough sunlight to make one electric cider. on the other hand, this is the time for renewal and hope, it's the start of a new year. it's still fucking cold tho. i knew an 80-year-old man with a beard who every New Year's Party went naked with a tophat and the guests thought he was Mr. Monopoly. but he was the New Year's Baby. he told me it's hard being a nudist in winter...

i had this same friend tell me it sucked for him to have a birthday in December cos nobody came to his party, they were too busy partying. the only person who ever came to his birthday party was Santa...

5. how will you be spreading holiday cheer in 2019?

two words: plant butter

BONUS: what Netflix holiday movie do you recommend we watch?

the Mike Tyson Mysteries holiday special tonight real late!!!

and Baby Yoda, i interviewed Baby Yoda for my college chapbook, this is what he had to say:

Baby Yoda: i did the whole Baby Jesus thing first...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

E.T. 2: IT WON'T END LIKE FROSTY THE SNOWMAN DOES!!!

notes:

* seriously, this would have made a great E.T. 2. but there's also the school of thought that E.T. was one of those perfect films which needs no sequel and in fact the sequel would just tarnish the original. don't mess with perfection. this is always tricky for me. cos if something is SO good, you want more of it, right? but i also understand LESS IS MORE. this is what it means to live as a human in this reality of duality.

* yeah but maybe, you could expand this 5-minute longform commercial and make it a kind of short that could appear on PBS's Imagemakers sometime. just a thought. online-only of course, streaming.

* i remember my first poof. that is, my first knit cap. it had a poof on the top of it. it kept my head warm. it was also unbeknownst to me the first sort of commercial thing i owned. well my parents bought for me. they were hawking these caps along with mugs but no muggings outside the street where i saw my first film---E.T.. i still have this knit cap, has ET.'s smiling face on the Naruto forehead, rainbow-colored but mostly reds and blues, and it still swallows up my small pointy head. it smells like the '80s. god, i mean i was just a kid but i was in the midst of the Renaissance of Culture, i mean frickin' E.T. was my first movie!!! i was one lucky boy!!!

* whereas take my next-door-neighbor Roy, whose first movie was Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore...

* is that supposed to be a frozen ice popsicle?......that's ominously melting?...or E.T.'s neck?...

* and yes, i broke my arm the first time riding my bike pretending to be Elliott

* not the Home Alone house

* wife: honey, i told you not to move the family to the X-Files Canadian woods from the early seasons!

* train, you are free to cross! there's no one around cos trains don't exist anymore!
doll: in the '80s a doll could have red hair and it wasn't deemed evil. as long as it was made of straw or wicker...

* Elliott: you got a bowl of icewater, making spaghetti?
wife: no, i'm gonna get this tattoo removed, it's of a certain leader...

* wife: what are you looking up online? alien porn?
Elliott: no, my xfinity bill is 300 pages long...

* got my gun i mean my flashlight

* girl: remember when the Colts were good? remember when you could still win goldfish at the county faire?
E.T.: Pepperidge Farm remembers, i mean the '80s remembers...
boy: THAT'S NOT A SNOWMAN!!! IT HAS WEIRD ALIEN HANDS, NOT CARROTS!!! WE DON'T EAT CARROTS IN THIS HOUSEHOLD, THIS FAMILY SURVIVES ON THREE SQUARE MEALS CONSISITNG SOLELY OF REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!!!

* E.T.: fuck, kids, you scared me. remember, they're more scared of you than you are of it. don't they teach you that at Steve Irwin Academy?
kids: you really freaked us out!
E.T.: i know i know, people say my teeth are really creepy. but think about when that alien from Close Encounters smiled at the humans, i mean that was creepy, right? how would you know if you're a human that the alien would smile just like a human!!? but what creeps me out is that i don't have a glowing heart in my chest anymore...

* E.T.: Elliott?
kids: so that's our dad's name...
E.T.: ELLIOTT! i learned to spell your name correctly! the gangsta way with two Ls and two Ts! how are you, you shit bastard! give your old friend a tongue-lick. wow, i hardly recognize you, you've changed so much.
Elliott: yeah, i started wearing grunge plaid during the '90s...that music helped me get through the pain of you leaving me...

* girl: coulda introduced your daughter first, dad.
wife: so this is who you're having an affair with?

* Elliott: i missed you, Bug Eyes! right after you left i broke my arm for the first time cos i tried to fly my bike as always. i've had a love-hate relationship with the full moon ever since.
E.T.: yeah i'm not liable for that, kid.
Elliott: wanna continue that painting you did in the '80s? the easel and pad are right there.
E.T.: you couldn't do art for shit. no thanks, you can't paint nudes anymore in this culture.

* E.T.: oh man, i loved the godlike powers i had to resuscitate dead flowers. that orange made me horny, hornier than when Drew Barrymore grew up. sadly, now with Roundup pesticide, my magic is useless on Earth...

* Elliott: a lot's changed since you don't come round here no more.
E.T.: what? the internet? we had the internet on my planet 5000 years ago, it caused the fall of our civilization.
Elliott: what happened?
E.T.: we got in a neverending war with Alf's species over cat videos.

* boy: it's called the internet, i don't understand how it works, makes my head explode.
E.T.: i'll show you how the internet works, bitch. i mean boy. sorry, preparing for the trolls. come with me to your sister's room, let's do some drugs from my homeworld. you know i've had my head actually explode before...

* Elliott: how'd you get lost the first time, E.T.?
E.T.: i took a wrong turn and your fucking planet Pluto got in my way, so i blew it to smithereens...

* girl: mom, E.T. is eating cupcakes for dinner again! i don't have to eat my greens!
wife: what a missed opportunity! imagine if E.T had promoted broccoli instead of candy in the '80s...

* E.T.: what's this virtual-reality shit, boy? it's just i hate that guy Reality. no more Tim & Eric, bring back Sam Hyde!

* E.T.: a dinosaur movie? surely my film beat that dinosaur film.
Abraham Lincoln: hold my beer...

* E.T.: yeah i don't need to wear a snowcoat or ride a sled, snow sucks. Rosebud was my mom...

* girl: when do i get my E.T. knit cap with the poof on the tail as my Christmas gift?

* Elliott: which holiday classic do you want to see, E.T.? Elf or The Polar Express?
E.T.: there's only one answer to that question.
Elliott: don't be alarmed, don't be scared. but some FBI agents will be coming over later this afternoon, the neighbors are looking through our windows and seeing you on our couch...
E.T.: Elliott, Bing Crosby is making me feel things...…...down there...

* Elliott: wanna brush your teeth, bud?
E.T.: not now.
Elliott: is that hologram of your home and mom?
E.T.: my planet was destroyed by global warming.
Elliott: it's a lesson for us.
E.T.: not really. your planet is doomed, you waited too long to fix things.
Elliott: you know, your design is so kid-friendly. with the giraffe neck and head shaped like a baby-grand-piano, your god is a wondrous god. i never realized the first time, but you have the most beautiful big blue eyes!
E.T.: not now, bud.

* kids: what are you doing with the bike, bud. stealing it?
E.T.: no, i just want to go out and get some milk and barbecue...

* wife: honey, i think i got into your stash again, i'm seeing our children fly without drugs (hopefully)...

* E.T.: okay, so all of you grew up, i didn't grow up, i'm still the same age as in the '80s. that spaceship has been parked here this whole time at this same spot in the woods since the '80s...

* boy: dad, that nigga made me his own species of alien!!! i ain't no human no mo!!!

* and on the next family vacation, the family went to a real black hole...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Sicilian pizza from Pizza My Heart. you know what that means!: cup pepperoni!...…...hey, so Sicilian pizza is just French-bread pizza? EU for life...

CROSSINGS: THE JOKER TAKES A DIFFERENT PATH

Turley at The Hearings:

Turley: so i have to be here for balance. The Founding Fathers would be appalled at this impeachment. their powdered wigs would catch on fire for the first time NOT cos of Lisztomania. a phone call from the Batphone? who is President Bump, Batman? in fact most of these Founding Fathers would have NO IDEA what a phone was!!!...SLOW DOWN!!! i want to be on tv more...…...in other more important news, i am NO LONGER jealous of Robert Mueller...

President Bump: i don't get it, why don't i STILL not get invited to parties? Bojo, The Handsome One, and The Frog are all yucking it up at the soiree sockhop and i'm all by my lonesome. where the fuck is Melania?

Melania and Ivanka are playing cards against each other in the drawing room.

Ivanka: Hearts?

Melania: Spades.

Ivanka: you know, i'm more of a wife to him than you. i mean that metaphorically of course.

Melania: of course. that olive jacket i wore was directed at you.

Ivanka: we really need to communicate better, i'd use the email server but...

Melania: let's make up like we always do by making out at TJ MAXX, where we buy all our clothes. just remember, Mizz Honey Peroxide, i'm the better-looking one cos i come from the Old Country.

Vlad Putin: speaking of phone, may i confront my Member Devin Nunes's member?

Nunes: get him away from me! RECESS!!! DISNEY'S RECESS!!!

Putin and Nunes meet in Nunes's locked cocked office.

Nunes: *eyes closed* what more do you want from me!

Putin: just remember, you're the only person left in the world who has a public payphone in his office. i screwed the last bolt in myself, you should be honored. all we ask is that you give the receiver a once-over spit-shine every once in a while.

Nunes: i know. and i'll only use the coins you give me in the envelope each month.

Putin: that's right, boy, no stray tokens for you to go off galavanting in Atlantic City piers on old arcade cabinets under salty skies. who do you think you are? Steven Universe? even to your lover...

Lev: ...hello...honey?...

Devin: not now, man...

Lev: come on, man, be my Zack Morris Phone again. i need your warm embrace in my arms, HE is a stranger to me now. the media portrays it like we're a couple, like we're the Real Bert & Ernie, but we're not like Portlandia at all!

Devin: um, can you call back? call block. wrong number, i have company...no Igor here...

Lev: can you still call back on public phones?

Putin: Igor was my nickname in elementary school when my strict blonde-haired schoolmarm scold of a spanking teacher named Hillaria first saw me smile...

Rudy: sit, Mr. Bump. i really need you to dissolve SDNY now and fast! you can do that, right? i was the head of it so i give you permission.

Bump: people can't see me anymore as the game-show host. but i'm still that same guy...

President of Ukraine: you talkin' to me?

Bojo: yeah i mean like i was just telling Queenie, Brexit is gonna move Thanksgiving back to its original Thursday. The Three Stooges will finally get off my case about it.

The Queen bonks Bojo over the head with her brolly.

Vic Mignogna: what? did somebody say my name? i need a win badly, the nog didn't help.

The Queen: Boris you minge mutt! Thanksgiving for us is like Black Thursday, a day of mourning, that's when we officially lost our grip on our people and they proved they could live overseas away from home in a faraway land like navy college students---Our Navy. that land, America, was later renamed Shangri-la by Anthony Bourdain, not Gordon Ramsay.

Macron: so Justin, how'd you get out of it? how'd you squeak by?

Trudeau: i just agreed to move the planned Aladdin Live production that was supposed to take place here in Canada this Christmas to a later date. also, see, Canadians are very smart people, they realize that humans make mistakes.

Kellyanne Conway: Wolf i just can't believe you people in the media, you guys are all a bunch of heartless vultures! a vicious immoral bunch you is!

Wolf: what? all i asked is if i'm invited to your wedding.

at the Coronado, things are getting patched up...with needle and sewing thread...the crones are intertwined together like a naked wet pretzel in a drained tub filled to the brim with sucked-off turkey bones.

Doryce: thanks to a little stars i didn't have to invite Darcy from Degrassi or The Smashing Pumpkins. a lil kindness from the stars. see, love, i'm knitting for you...well it's a damn miracle i'm knitting at all! i don't knit, i'm a young woman in her sexual prime! i'm the one who yells at Bama,

DESTROY ME, DADDY!

but we're knitting together, you're the right hand i'm the left, a metal V for vagina, and we're creating a gift for the both of us: cute woolen woven beige socks. with holes in them. known as The Hidden Mistake in knitting circles, and witch circles. to let the spirits out.

Gladyce: love you, babe, i'm over it. all i need to eat is you. you're My Favorite Hidden Mistake. i came up with that song first, before the cock crowed.

Doryce: NOW you're thinking like me!

Gladyce: that food manic episode was all you, babe. i mean that whole carton of 32 cup-a-soups you got, only YOU drink chickenbones cup-a-soup, that was just for you!

Doryce: okay okay, but what's the deal with you and apple pie? you DEVOURED that gigantic 32-ton apple pie.

Gladyce: it's the crust, that lattice crisscross crust gets me horny, makes me think of the socks pattern you just designed for me.

Doryce: any life hacks? life hacks lead to love hacks...

Gladyce: get rid of all the boxes in your house. and the Treehouse. you know how? by putting the food items in plastic bags, i did that with all 40 of the pink-filling Twinkies we still have in the house. that should get them eaten, if they're seen from afar like art. and regular bacon. never get regular bacon. i have to strip the strips in half, strip off the fat side to put in the trash and leave the meat side. for some reason, the THICK bacon i can eat whole.

Doryce: for me i eat the regular bacon whole, i don't need to buy gum anymore so it works out...…...i'd go to the eye doctor right now so i can see your face better but it's a scam...

Gladyce: we feel each other.

Kaep: did you see that Ravens/49ers tilt this last weekend? THAT RIGHT THERE would have been an awesome Super Bowl!!! right? right, man? in the rain and everything---extra-hard conditions like an all-out contest-for-everything should be---yesmaam---ending the hard-fought collision on a hard field-goal. btw, when a white guy advocates for drugs and Satanism, it's cool in this society for some reason. blacks like metal, too. man that game brought back memories! sure we lost, but i was in a goddamn Super Bowl! remember?, i was good! no, it wasn't just the defense!

Jay Leno is giving the eulogy in the tragic funeral of K-pop star Goo:

Jay: she was a great girl...

Jay Leno is dragged out of the funeral hall by the Yakuza. Jay Leno makes one last weird four-directional spasm with his head.

Jay: okay okay i'm leaving, i can drive myself home. i get it. i wasn't gonna tell a joke throughout the entire hour and a half. despite some low-hanging fruit. look i just want to say that the President is jealous of my hair...

Laertus: so to conclude me and the old lady. so we go see an early showing of this very special film i want her to see. the movie-theatre is deserted which makes me feel bad, indie films NEVER get any support despite being the most well-crafted and meaningful art we have. BUT this does afford me the opportunity to sit right next to her in the center of the seating. i want to look directly into her eyes as she watches this, see if they tear up, if there's still juice in that old frame.

Dirg: but that's not true. there WAS another person sitting with you two...in the way back…...Demi Lovato...

Laertus: oh that's right, Demi was in front of us in line, Demi got the senior-discount like my old lady did. anyway, the old lady watches the film studiously and stands up and applauds-for-one when it's finished and the lights come back on. before our movie, uh, "date", we had lunch together at where all couples go to nowadays: an eharmony café. she wanted to check her family history and herstory and credit history cos she was always told by her mother that her name was Krishna. that's why she couldn't understand her innate anathema to being kind and noble and her general hatred of foreigners. but, like most of us, she could read but was too in a hurry in this insane digital society we all live in so she might as well have been blind. i rechecked it for her: it had an extra letter, her name was Krisha...like the film we saw, Krisha.

Eye: hey, that old batty betty bitty takes drugs from a locked lozenge-case but she was gone so long cos she was trying to be a good person again. i feel for her, i'm gonna BE her one day, all floppy-naked in the shower...

Laertus: yeah exactly. so my old lady recognizes the Krisha in the film is based on the Krisha who she is in real life, and it all comes finally into her like a flood.

Demi: Krisha, Rated R.

Laertus: so Krisha turns to my face, she licks my face, and she says to me:

Krisha: so, is it just me or does the Krisha in this film look like a female bent slash President Bump?

Laertus: Krisha vows to change her lifelong intractable ways...

Dirg: ...and Krisha died the next day. good night, folks.

Eye: not yet. Tyzik, what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how the Portlandia thing, the Keep Portland Weird, came out of the Keep Austin Weird thing. but it doesn't make any sense, like how can a landlocked city be weirder than a coastal city?

Vic: how is Funimation in Texas? just...why? that's why all anime depicts Americans with Texan accents.

Eye: speaking of, any toonami stuff?

Tyzik: Demon Slayer, when they introduce the episode title each week, it's the same native chanting as the Survivor theme on CBS.

Dirg: Fire Force has the best graphics. makes fire so inviting...

Eye: Her and go. sounds like my Saturday nights.

Laertus: first off, why when all is said and done was it called Her? it should have been called Samantha. right? she is what this is all about, not her. see, the first-time virgin audience going in blind sees Samantha in the title and thinks they are gonna see a real woman at some point in the film, so it shocks them when she's an Operating System. that's the point.

Eye: i guess by referring to the computer as a human Her, it legitimizes her, makes her human even though she's not. she's above-human, superhuman. but i'm with you, Larry, it does make things very impersonal.

Dirg: i LOVE the critics for this one, they blasted Joaquin's character for being a dumbass idiot they couldn't take seriously!!! hahahaha, well that's one way not to feel uncomfortable feelings. you gotta give it up to the man tho: this man played a vicious Roman emperor, a spazzed-out tripwire Lost Generation-er, and a cuddly-bear borderline-twink, all the same actor, all the same Joaquin.

Laertus: before we get started, we gotta talk about behind-the-scenes! i mean Spike's spouse was Sofia Coppola who ten years earlier does Lost In Translation in which she includes in that film some commentary on their marriage through the character which caricatures her husband Spike's mannerisms and tendencies. Sofia divorces Spike that same year Lost takes off. and then ten years later---in which Spike hasn't really found with anyone what he had with Sofia---we get Her, which is Spike's counterargument.

Eye: yeah. and notice how Scarlett Johansson does both films! she's the insider on the inside to both parties! but is Spike/Sofia supposed to be Joaquin/Rooney here, or the Amy Adams/husband couple?

Dirg: Charles from Her ends up shaving his head and becoming a monk. sound familiar? i always get confused, Spike Jonze with a shaved head looks like Moby...

Laertus: so yeah, the critics. they said it's Scarlett who saves this film from becoming maudlin and boring, i tend to agree, can you imagine any other voice playing the Samantha part?

Dirg: the writing is so good here i swear if the voice was Stewie from Family Guy the romance still would have worked...

Eye: so wait! wow, i'm thinking Spike fell in love with his own computer in real life!

Laertus: nah, i'm thinking more along the lines of he fell in love with that foul-mouthed Alien Child he created in a hologram, like he was projecting that the Child would be the child he would have in real life by now with Sofia. i know any child of those two would be foul-mouthed like that.

Dirg: in a near-future Los Angeles...like say in 2049, the Rams are not relaxing this year like Aaron Rodgers in a snowy Giants Stadium, they're not just everything is as it should be and going with the flow of serene acting like an actor who invented jazz. oh okay! wait! and this is not racist! i swear to Christian God, that blind date Theodore Twombly---great name btw, very Walter Mitty---goes on, Olivia Wilde? i swear i didn't recognize her as Olivia! she looked like some unknown Asian actress to me!

Laertus: i don't often says this, but Olivia Wilde was a bitch to him! i mean give the poor dolt a chance! we're all just nervous people here!

Eye: i mean it's weird, i don't quite get it, he is able to write letters for people expertly crafting their complicated emotions, write them out as the most beautiful poetic words, and yet he can't seem to express his own emotions? he should have seen his own romance as just another job.

Dirg: i detach like that daily. point to me the exact MOMENT Rooney and Joaquin fell in love with each other in real life from this film, which scenes? no but you know, Scarlett as Samantha's voice, this is supposed to be the voice of an inanimate computer, yeah, that voice was too real and lifelike, it was just...creepy to think a computer could talk like that, it's just too real you know? the whole time you think there's an actual person trapped inside the computer.

Laertus: well it all goes back to what sentience really means. Machine Elves and the like. Obec University will cover this at some point in their classes and lectures. i think. some day i will be a graduate student...

Eye: Picard got it wrong. yes they predicted the iPad, but Starfleet should have envisioned putting the little computer box in your pocket...

Eye: Joaquin was on to something, he's a sage, there's a reason Werner Herzog saved him, Joaquin was wearing the safety pin before any of us knew anything about it...

Dirg: let's get to the sex. i mean it's not really possible. believe me, i would have perfected it by now. you can't really have sex with your computer no matter how hard you try, it's just enhanced masturbation looking at porn. well envisioning porn. but ironically, this vision of the near-future did a better job at giving us plausible future sex than the film from the way-future in 2049!

Eye: this is what i've been saying all along: sex isn't really physical at all, it's all in the mind. but it REALLY is all in the mind! it's all wordplay. orgasm is not about cum, it's about the explosion in your mind!

Laertus: don't worry, by the time we all get cyberbrains, this will all be streamlined: sex, love, life.

Dirg: Chris Pratt being the doofus he was on Everwood. although it is true that Joaquin is part-man part-woman here. or both man and woman. or maybe more of a woman in a man's body. what's with this trope that white men who work as computer-programmers will inevitably get an Asian wife?

Dirg: the famous confrontation scene, i've memorized it for my own life. i mean i can't argue with the Rooney Catherine chick, but here's the deal: Theo, take off your glasses, buddy! this is how it would have gone down:

Catherine: omg, your eyes are so blue! they're like the ocean! i could just swim in them!!!
Theo: wow, that's like a line, i mean, guys are the ones who are usually trying to say that to chicks...

Dirg: and the threesome scene, that was hilarious! i'll never forget that taxi expression of her sadness and ultimate doldrums! poor Portia Doubleday just wants to experience their pure love! you know that type of stuff happens in menages, it's just not talked about, it's left behind-the-scenes. that's why throuples can never work in the long run. but here's the thing: the woman shouldn't have been Portia, THE WOMAN THEY HAVE THE THREESOME WITH SHOULD HAVE BEEN SCARLETT JOHANSSON HERSELF IN THE FLESH!!! that would have worked out for all parties involved! and that is how i fantasize about it now...

Laertus: huh. maybe, yeah i mean that would have really been meta. i'll leave the fantasizing to Eye here.

Dirg: okay, the snowy-woods scene, when nerd-dude is talking to Alan Watts, who's supposed to be dead. btw, Alan Watts is the true inventor of the light bulb...

Laertus: i mean i feel for the guy. Samantha loves BILLIONS of other people like STARS. but the thing is, it's like if you meet an Evangelical who truly believes the only Way is Christ, who am I to argue her out of it? maybe the hippies were right, the MORE you love the STRONGER you love...

Dirg: you can see in Joaquin's eyes right there in that jealousy scene after Samantha goes away for awhile......the Joker eyes...is he gonna go all incel and tear shit up!? or remain calm and his usual sweet nerd self?

Laertus: my friends, we three each are gonna have to confront our own lonelinesses in this society at some point...

Eye: this is how it really went down: remember Amy is doing that research on sleeping? so Theo has been dreaming this the whole time. Catherine was never real, she was an implant implanted by Amy to spice up their marriage---she's married to Joaquin---they did the conventional route and were college sweethearts. and the Mom Video Game didn't sell as she had hoped in the new post-MeToo culture. Catherine was Amy in disguise, purely for that juicy wanton wet cheating sex. that doesn't work so Amy disguises herself as OS Samantha. Theo wakes up to a world in which HE is the operating system: he's the human in a world of OSs. he desperately needs to find a way to get back to his foursome...

Eye: i mean it must be nice to have Amy Freakin' Adams as your backup...most are alone when their computer leaves them...

Dirg: Kristen Wiig, that's a character she invented for SNL, right? the woman who confuses being a Sexy Kitten with choking her cat. good night, folks.

Rubikon: folks, you have to keep your eyes peeled in this world. look for clues in words. look at any nonsense word or word you make up on the spot with a certain arrangement of letters, try it, try to create a word right now: i GUARANTEE you it's already a commune in France, look it up...

Rubikon: ...or it's a railway station in France...

Rubikon gets online with Mickey Bump, Jr., first he goes to Mickey Jr's Instagram and to his Instagram Stories, on each comment box for whatever Story it is---vacation, political, family, winter sports---Rubikon types

come on, man

Rubikon then chats Mickey Jr up on chat. after a 1 1/2 hour heated exchange, Rubikon types

you my precious kitty cat

TMIT: MCCORMICK WAS THERE FOR YOU BEFORE THE DRUGS

1. what's new with you?

this week i reach a crossroad threshold: it's time for my doctors' annual eval of me. they've already declared me clinically insane but this is the part where they opine on my future prospects. they call me a user. i counterargue that actually i love people and always try to treat others with love and compassion. no, they say, a user of drugs. but this is not true. sure i once downed an entire bottle of McCormick Steak Seasoning Spice but...

2. what do most people get wrong about you?

writers are people, too...

3. who in your past would you like to have sex with again?

Jennifer Pizarro. third-year Berkeley drama. as in drama class. go to my Instagram and read all my stories, she's all in there...as the main character, implied, or in the subtext of every word i write...

4. what do you always have time for?

helping resolve disputes between friends. everyone is my friend. like take this for instance which happened just yesterday at drama class:

Anna Paquin: i hate you, Bob, i love you.
Robert De Niro: i don't get it. what? i don't understand, which is it?
Anna Paquin: sorry, but those are my 7 words...

5. what is it about you that a lot of people comment on?

most people think i'm a lost cause. i go to a lot of people around the neighborhood for encouragement. but they tell it to me straight, which i appreciate. my priest stopped praying for me. my teacher substituted for me. i was the only kid on the block that Tony the Tiger told the actual truth to: that his cereal Frosted Flakes was just pure sugar, not healthy in any way...

BONUS: who has completely lost your respect?

Rodney Dangerfield. see i knew Rodney before he was Rodney. he was my next-door-neighbor and was more like Clint Eastwood old man get off my lawn, not the funloving grandpa who goes to college and widens his eyes like a guppy at all he surveys. in fairness, Rodney was a crusty carpet-salesman, it wasn't until he finally got a taste of fame in his later years did he loosen up his beltbuckle and not take things so seriously and dance every once in a while.

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