Pelosi: don't mess with me! i'm Catholic, i hate no one. the only people i hate are bait reporters.
The Pope: is it just me or is Nancy hot. like really hot for her age. those gilf tits held up well, tits go through the ringer in San Francisco, take it from me, i've been there.
President Bump: i believe you. no fair, Nancy! what's with the gilf gills? what's with your turkey neck? Thanksgiving was over years ago!
Mueller: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!? i mean i waste two years of my life doing this damn report---missing birthday parties, MY birthday party, birthday parties in December cos no one attends those---all so you can NOT USE IT!!!
Turley: *on Nunes's public payphone* Bob, just answer me this one question and i'll leave you alone forever i swear. am i handsome? i am, right? i got that hair and those dreamy eyes...
Mueller: how'd you get this number?
Sylvester Stallone visits the Cream House:
Sly: you know why i'm here, Mr. President, and it's not for any more photoshoot photoshop posters. i'm here to pardon all the boxers i can...
Bump: i don't get it. how can Nancy have an in with God? i'm Codrus's son for fuck sake!!!
Codrus: see. it's that. not that i care, but you've never prayed to me once, my son. which is strange cos usually the dumb ones are my steady flock.
Rudy: i've brought out my secret weapon: a babe! when in doubt, when all else fails, trot out a babe and America gets flustered and distracted.
Bump: no fair! i want my babe! where the hell is everybody!!? the reason i imitate orgasm at my rallies is i really want Lisa Page to be my page and do that in front of me, it's been so long since i've heard those sounds for real in the Lincoln Bedroom. it's that Deep Pack thing, wish fulfillment, you say it out loud to put it out there in the universe...
The Pope: you gotta admit, it's hard to be mad at the woman when she's so hot. not madatcha. just thinking about that affair gets me bothered. as in hot and bothered. i'm all for adultery, it cuts down on the divorce rate.
Dirg: conceded.
Bump: what's the haps, Nigel?
Nigel Farage: i thought this was all fun and games. i thought i was Nigella Lawson foraging for blueberries with my teeth but turns out i'm Nigel Thornberry. i drank the milk like everyone else, thought it was a hot toddy. but i may end up being the single individual responsible for bringing about the end of civilization. i wonder, i inquire, does that make me a candidate for Time Person of the Year? remember, they were considering Hitler at one point...
Eye Luggage: that's the thing, folks, it's not fun and games. you have to always be mindful and compassionate. watch your words, there are lasting consequences. it's all fun and games for one day, one week, one news cycle, but you never see the trail of destruction left in your wake. Katie Hill considered self-harm...
Teuila Blakely: is that my cue? so, the Power Rangers finale...
Dirg: man what a letdown. gun and games would have been better. it was weird, all this time, all this buildup for the Snake Guy in the Grid Underground to finally rise up and materialize on Earth and spit fire down the gullet of Los Angeles, and none of that ever happens! you get no Bad Guy on Earth! no Venom Viper walking down the street slinking slithering S-patterning and essing like all the other snakes and eses in L.A.! what a nothingburger!
Teuila: my name literally translates as "Not". as in not today, Satan Snake. talk to my very famous hand. talk to the hand, young people still say that, right? not that i'm still cougaring.
Laertus: my prediction for the Christmas special: there's gonna be mistletoe and the blonde Yellow Ranger---i just got that now---and the lab geek---representing all of us---will kiss. if this was Nick At Nite---at least the Nick At Nite of the '90s---there would be tongue. and St. Nick would make an appearance bottomless for laughs cos of course he has property in Florida.
Kaep: speaking of game, consider the enormous pressure on the foot of a kicker. it's the kicker who determines EVERYTHING. after an hour of hard work by (remember the) titans and the last of the giants, the slight kicker's one action determines: whether coaches stay, players get traded, what level and quality of hot supermodel the quarterback gets, whether a team has built up a legacy so undeniable in this results-based world that they can cheat and nobody can do a damn thing about it. those 3 little points...
Eye: i'm gonna try out. i mean it seems easy enough, right? there is SO MUCH SPACE in that rectangle, it'd be impossible not to kick a small ball through! i think of it as a big tuning fork, a metal guitar, a witch wand in training...
Alex Trebek: speaking of game......okay, look., i don't give a damn, just make it less confusing, hold the Oscars IN THE SAME YEAR the films come out!!!
Llywarch: should i take this one or...?
Gaucelm: go head. imma head out
Llywarch: i mean the Justin thing. Timberlake this time, not Bieber. it's not official---nothing is official anymore---until it's done on Instagram. the wife wants an apology IN INSTAGRAM or it doesn't count!!!
Dirg: speaking of benchings, please tell me Cara and Ashley didn't break up! no, that destroys my fantasy! that Cara is deve-LEAN. Lean Pockets. i still will always be thinking they had at least ONE rump-romp session in the sex bench.
Eye: Ashley confirmed on Instagram that she's still in Cara. and into Cara. so there you have it, the truth.
Gaucelm: love isn't fake...
.
Dirg: bizarre, eh? Ashley Benson is no relation to Amber Benson yet the two could be sister-cousins.
the crones are at the Signature Room on the 95th with John Hughes. in Chicago:
Gladyce: oh dear! i'll catch my death up here! hold me, dear! i'm deathly afraid of heights!
Doryce: really? learn something new everyday. that's why relationships never get old. next time i'll let you swing from the chandeliers to conquer your fear. don't worry, lover, you can fly, remember!? use your broom.
John Hughes: um, so are we gonna order or what?
Doryce: sorry, John, you order for us. second thought, you pay all the bill. what's your reco? you're the tourguide around here.
John: well if we're talking Chicago we're talking pizza. deep dish. or something they make in a bucket.
Gladyce: you know i think my first starter will be the soup. this reminds me of the Lipton soup-in-a-box i always have. red box.
John: dick in a box? very festive for Christmas.
Gladyce: here's a life hack out of love: DON'T add FOUR cups of water like they say on the box.
Doryce: i'm so happy YOU can read fine print again.
Gladyce: four cups of soup is too much, that feeds four people, i had all that in one lunch, my tummy was bloated for a week, i didn't have a food baby, i had a drink baby.
Doryce: we shall have our own baby some day...
Gladyce: instead with the Noodle Mix---there's no more Chicken Noodle Mix anywhere left in the world---use THREE cups of water with the mix. much more manageable.
John: haha. tell us about your bags. no i don't mean you're bags, i mean the plastic bags you use, they were funnily large.
Gladyce: oh yes, well i got bags for everything as you know. except i got the industrial-sized insanely-big bags that are meant to hold like whole turkeys. so all the food looks ridiculously small in these bags.
Trent Reznor: i don't think you're ridiculous.
Gladyce: tell us about the old days, John.
John: well the parades, you know? they just weren't cool like the marching bands in Portlandia. a city needs a marching band---not just a high school---it brings the community together.
Doryce: and just need your signature here and here, John.
John: what did i just sign? hey can i stand up on one of your brooms?
Doryce: sorry, too high, insurance and all. with your weight!? see how terrible it is to always be called fat?...
John: but i'm already dead...can't you see how blue i am?
crones: we just thought you were really into blueberry pizza.
in Cecily Strong's apartment, she and Mikey Day are having rapturous sex, so hard and sloppy the bricks in the walls come loose from the heat melting the cement...
Cecily: fuck me like i'm a dumb blonde!
Mikey: fuck me like i'm Eddie Murphy!!!
they both collapse in a sea of cum.
Mikey: *sweating and reddily* this is a new day for me!
Cecily: you mean a new life. want some cereal and CNN?
they're finished, and the sheets are white. not from the whip cream.
Cecily: real cigarettes or the candy cigarettes? i wasn't sure so i got both.
Mikey: neither, thank you, i'm on a diet, i'm trying to cut back, i just drank a gallon of milk. i may lose my job but i fucked Cecily Strong so i win life. take that, mom and dad! and Lorne! this is why i became an actor! so...……why me? i'm the nerd of the cast, i get cast as the SNL dork in all the skits.
Cecily: *chewing on a cigarette* you remind me of my ex. like no offense, but you look EXACTLY like my ex. i go for the skinny boys.
Mikey: i am so nervous for Eddie Murphy. the Eddie Murphy show that is. that episode is gonna be the television event of the year! right at the end of the year there!
Cecily: yeah, but i wish Eddie came when it wasn't also the Christmas special. like i've always wondered how Betty White would have done if she hadn't done the Christmas show. like how is Betty White in no-holiday sketch comedy? how's her chops? let's see if she's really America's sweetheart then...
Betty White pops up from under the covers.
Betty White: bitch you jus' jealous of my ass. you hatin' on my hiney. take a look at a photo of me when i was a young starlet, stare at that butt of mine and weep, i was the original Kim K!!!
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: oh just how...oh yeah, Her. i mean can a man with a cool mustache like that really be considered a nerd?
Laertus: you can't fool us with the glasses, WE know what it's like to be real nerds!
Dirg: Joaquin's sporting the '70s porn stache!!!
Laertus: Into The Labyrinth...
Tyzik: yeah i only have one thing to say about that: it's just one big long slumber party. with the pillow fort. and the maze made of pillows. and the sheets. and it goes on WAY too long. you know how you reach that hour in the slumber party when things really slow down and you're itching and bored and can't wait to go to sleep so you can wake up the next morning and get the shit hell out of that strange house?...
Eye: toonami stuff?
Tyzik: i wish the Food Wars marathon was just that, a marathon. why have two premiere new episodes? the point of a marathon is to go to sleep at 11 like a normal person! new The Forge only at 11 just to force people to tune in to the marathon...
Dirg: dems the hook
Eye: Pink Flamingos and go...wow...i had no idea...i mean you hear stories about trailer parks but...either my mom or my lover will end up in one...
Laertus: before we start, can we talk about how John Waters did something even more brilliant? he did the kid's version of this film! yes, the KIDS' version of this film!!! i don't know how he did it, but he manages to pull it off!!! it's like one of those things that's impossible to do in art---it's too inconceivable incongruous and wild---so when he does it, it's...
Dirg: you're not about to knight John Waters a genius, are you?
Laertus: i'm finna sing "My Way" Sinatra-and-Blade-Runner-2049-style bout now. i DON'T want the planned sequel to Pink Flamingos now, Divine's dead, it would NEVER be the same without Divine, don't make this another Fox Live! Musical! the man with the thin mustache---John Waters Not Hughes---did it his way, he made the film he wanted to make---he knew this would be banned and spat upon and labeled trash and shown in one theatre in Australia and the trailer would contain no actual footage of the film and the damn thing would only get an uncensored DVD in Papua New Guinea. but he did it, the man DID IT.
Eye: he does accomplish. he revels in it being trash, he wants it to be trash, but in so doing he makes his statement. he is able to conjure up EXACTLY his script with all the words and emotions intact---there are benefits to low-budget filmmaking when you do EVERYTHING on a film---he says what he wanted to say with this film, no edits, and so he wins.
Dirg: can i just say---and i'm being honest---Divine can get it. seriously. she's---uh, he's---attractive. i dunno what it is, i think it's the makeup, those diamond eyes are like atomic vultures! rawr!
Eye: are you sure it isn't her brillopad hair or that fabulous ravishing-red Little Mermaid shell dress? take that, Little Mermaid Live!
Laertus: or Divine as Ursula, the avenging-angel angle works either way.
Laertus: it was Divine's general magnetism, his life was amazing. i wonder when you're a boy growing up on farmland and you dream about being a counterculture icon. dreaming that one day you'll be dubbed Divine by a strange man with a wacky heart. and Divine's poor mother, he made sure she didn't see him eating dog feces. he told his mother that was all movie magic to spare her heart. precious.
Eye: you know you think this film takes place in Alabama or something but it's Maryland. and the only magic comes from that gazing ball on the lawn. i mean when you think of Baltimore you think of Action Jackson!
Lamar Jackson: it's so easy. i can't believe nobody ever thought of it before! in the entire 100-year history of the NFL, NOBODY thought to have the quarterback both throw AND run!!?
Laertus: can we just say?: this film GOES THERE. it really GOES THERE. more than any Degrassi dream ever could lucid. it's as hardcore as it gets. let's talk about the critics...
Eye: so they say this film is perfect abject art.
Dirg: it's abjectionable...
Eye: it's the purest undistilled unalloyed example of the punk ethic.
Laertus: truly. no filter whatsoever, feelings are expressed as harshly and cruelly and honestly as can possibly be. we don't have punk music like this film anymore.
Dirg: that's why everyone loves porn, it's honest. btw, wasn't Mink Stole---otherwise known as Nightmare Janine Melnitz---a bigger star than Divine at the time? she helped usher Divine into the mainstream of which she was a part, underground. i dunno, i just like her tits.
Laertus: yeah i think i read that somewhere. obviously the tables switched after. the gun, not the switchblade. you know i love how John Waters has his own local repertory of actors who act in all his films, saves on auditions, and it proves loyalty, real non-Bump loyalty. the three of us should audition for the next Obec play, see if we have the stuff to do indie stuff...
Dirg: okay, when do we talk about the chicken scene? i mean there's choking the chicken but that was ridiculous. what sick people get off on this sort of thing? it was the first and only time in my life where i called PETA...
Laertus: agreed. abhorrent. i mean this is worse than Lars could ever conceive. this made me physically ill and made me a vegan on the spot, tho strangely it didn't get me off porn. i could still get off.
Eye: I NEVER WANT TO SEE THAT SCENE AGAIN!!!!!
Laertus: notice how the only song they could use that cleared clearances was The Birthday Song. that was hilarious!
Dirg: notice in that same scene at the post office, that black dude is all bewildered. he's thinking to himself, what the fuck did i do to end up in this cracker-fantasy hot mess of a local documentary which will not air on PBS. it does have that grainy PBS feel to it tho.
Dirg: what is this?: a documentary, a movie, a film, a snuff film, a porn, or an experimental film?
Laertus: all of the above, porn as art. i mean from afar you could rightly label this a long porno. it has all the elements of a porno, it has that cheap-tape look to it, stock characters, and it's all done out in the wilderness and downtown. flashers with salami dongs, trying to suck your own dick and settling for licking your own balls, prolapsed anus like a rubberband jumprope, native dances, general redneck shenanigans, of course the burning of the trailer park, ritual Satanic Mass, laundromats i love laundromats, and those shooting murders near a tree as if trying to provide a modicum of catharsis for lynchings. revenge porn. swift justice meant to shock. no jury trial, life is cheap.
Eye: trying to heal the LGBT divide. transgender rights, normalizing people, integrating them into society. going to Boise! this film is rightly praised for giving a voice to it all, sorely-needed representation in the iconic persona of Divine, the divine superheroine for freedom and justice, for gays globewide. i have to agree Divine is fabulous in every way! most of all, she's strong.
Dirg: Divine was everyone's first drag queen. i can't say the dyed punks didn't deserve to die. i mean their priorities were WAY screwed up, who wants to be the filthiest? what is this, the Bump Era?
Eye: close, the Nixon Era. these were the Helter Skelter times, when the summers were too hot at night and long. as much as this film wants to be an exploitation film, i think it ends up being an experimental film, it becomes a classic---not just a cult-classic---almost in spite of itsef, it turns into a work of art. as John said later in an interview, "you know, my movie is about people. that's it. these are people i knew, grew up with, not all people are like you, that's what validates it, it's a simple honest portrayal of human beings."
Dirg: i just love John Waters's voice, it has that high-pitched don't-give-a-fuck holla to it. my headcanon is that his pencil mustache came from the pencil he used to pen Pink Flamingos. the pink flamingo lawn ornament later served as the inspiration for the Three's Company intro...
Eye: the mama who had a fixation on eggs was adorable! i wish my mom was like that! personality-wise i mean. i really wished she could have gotten back on her feet. like literally, get out of that crib! and start her own dot-com Eggbeaters business. whatever business that name entails. awww, i want Egg Mama to be happy with the love of her life, Mr. McFeely.
Dirg: get off welfare.
Laertus: gotta love the spooky furniture which comes to life and swallows you whole. at first you don't know if the film will really go there, but then you get to the baby-making dungeon. black-market babies, that doesn't sound right in any era.
Dirg: a mother giving her son fellatio isn't as shocking anymore, but it was then. then again, the porn of now claims to be incest but you know the actors aren't related. any last-minute Christmas gifts on your list? there's always poo in a box...dog shit, we might as well talk about it now...
Laertus: now THAT's committing to the script. will we three be as courageous when it's our turn to act?
Dirg: yeah but for all we know that was just chocolate. i mean the guns looked real, too. was that the first time in movie history a gun was pointed directly at the camera to the audience like that? breaking the fourth wall? i still wished that Hitler Girl would have made the cut. good night, folks.
Laertus: Eye and i have to take a shower...
Rubikon: man. folks. i mean, where are the Lightsaber emojis on Instagram? there should at least be a candy cane emoji by now.
Rubikon continues his online chat with Mickey Bump Jr. much to Jr's chagrin:
Rubikon: you like chocolate?
Mickey Jr: i don't know who you are, but when i find out, i'm gonna rain down the overwhelming might of The Coast Guard on your single ass!!!
Rubikon responds with a lightsaber and candy-cane emoji.
Mickey Jr: is that some sort of deep-state symbology? some Mr. Pickles Brian Griffin distraction ruse? i'll figure it out. and when i do......James Bond had his Q and i have mine!
Rubikon: you my precious kitty cat
Mickey Jr: i swear, say that to me one more time to my face, i'm closing my eyes in kneejerk pathological anger. just one more time...
Rubikon: you my precious kitty cat
it's late, Rubikon turns off his computer and heads out. to Domino's Pizza for some chocolate lava crunch cakes...
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