Wednesday, December 4, 2019


Turley at The Hearings:

Turley: so i have to be here for balance. The Founding Fathers would be appalled at this impeachment. their powdered wigs would catch on fire for the first time NOT cos of Lisztomania. a phone call from the Batphone? who is President Bump, Batman? in fact most of these Founding Fathers would have NO IDEA what a phone was!!!...SLOW DOWN!!! i want to be on tv more...… other more important news, i am NO LONGER jealous of Robert Mueller...

President Bump: i don't get it, why don't i STILL not get invited to parties? Bojo, The Handsome One, and The Frog are all yucking it up at the soiree sockhop and i'm all by my lonesome. where the fuck is Melania?

Melania and Ivanka are playing cards against each other in the drawing room.

Ivanka: Hearts?

Melania: Spades.

Ivanka: you know, i'm more of a wife to him than you. i mean that metaphorically of course.

Melania: of course. that olive jacket i wore was directed at you.

Ivanka: we really need to communicate better, i'd use the email server but...

Melania: let's make up like we always do by making out at TJ MAXX, where we buy all our clothes. just remember, Mizz Honey Peroxide, i'm the better-looking one cos i come from the Old Country.

Vlad Putin: speaking of phone, may i confront my Member Devin Nunes's member?

Nunes: get him away from me! RECESS!!! DISNEY'S RECESS!!!

Putin and Nunes meet in Nunes's locked cocked office.

Nunes: *eyes closed* what more do you want from me!

Putin: just remember, you're the only person left in the world who has a public payphone in his office. i screwed the last bolt in myself, you should be honored. all we ask is that you give the receiver a once-over spit-shine every once in a while.

Nunes: i know. and i'll only use the coins you give me in the envelope each month.

Putin: that's right, boy, no stray tokens for you to go off galavanting in Atlantic City piers on old arcade cabinets under salty skies. who do you think you are? Steven Universe? even to your lover...

Lev: ...hello...honey?...

Devin: not now, man...

Lev: come on, man, be my Zack Morris Phone again. i need your warm embrace in my arms, HE is a stranger to me now. the media portrays it like we're a couple, like we're the Real Bert & Ernie, but we're not like Portlandia at all!

Devin: um, can you call back? call block. wrong number, i have Igor here...

Lev: can you still call back on public phones?

Putin: Igor was my nickname in elementary school when my strict blonde-haired schoolmarm scold of a spanking teacher named Hillaria first saw me smile...

Rudy: sit, Mr. Bump. i really need you to dissolve SDNY now and fast! you can do that, right? i was the head of it so i give you permission.

Bump: people can't see me anymore as the game-show host. but i'm still that same guy...

President of Ukraine: you talkin' to me?

Bojo: yeah i mean like i was just telling Queenie, Brexit is gonna move Thanksgiving back to its original Thursday. The Three Stooges will finally get off my case about it.

The Queen bonks Bojo over the head with her brolly.

Vic Mignogna: what? did somebody say my name? i need a win badly, the nog didn't help.

The Queen: Boris you minge mutt! Thanksgiving for us is like Black Thursday, a day of mourning, that's when we officially lost our grip on our people and they proved they could live overseas away from home in a faraway land like navy college students---Our Navy. that land, America, was later renamed Shangri-la by Anthony Bourdain, not Gordon Ramsay.

Macron: so Justin, how'd you get out of it? how'd you squeak by?

Trudeau: i just agreed to move the planned Aladdin Live production that was supposed to take place here in Canada this Christmas to a later date. also, see, Canadians are very smart people, they realize that humans make mistakes.

Kellyanne Conway: Wolf i just can't believe you people in the media, you guys are all a bunch of heartless vultures! a vicious immoral bunch you is!

Wolf: what? all i asked is if i'm invited to your wedding.

at the Coronado, things are getting patched up...with needle and sewing thread...the crones are intertwined together like a naked wet pretzel in a drained tub filled to the brim with sucked-off turkey bones.

Doryce: thanks to a little stars i didn't have to invite Darcy from Degrassi or The Smashing Pumpkins. a lil kindness from the stars. see, love, i'm knitting for you...well it's a damn miracle i'm knitting at all! i don't knit, i'm a young woman in her sexual prime! i'm the one who yells at Bama,


but we're knitting together, you're the right hand i'm the left, a metal V for vagina, and we're creating a gift for the both of us: cute woolen woven beige socks. with holes in them. known as The Hidden Mistake in knitting circles, and witch circles. to let the spirits out.

Gladyce: love you, babe, i'm over it. all i need to eat is you. you're My Favorite Hidden Mistake. i came up with that song first, before the cock crowed.

Doryce: NOW you're thinking like me!

Gladyce: that food manic episode was all you, babe. i mean that whole carton of 32 cup-a-soups you got, only YOU drink chickenbones cup-a-soup, that was just for you!

Doryce: okay okay, but what's the deal with you and apple pie? you DEVOURED that gigantic 32-ton apple pie.

Gladyce: it's the crust, that lattice crisscross crust gets me horny, makes me think of the socks pattern you just designed for me.

Doryce: any life hacks? life hacks lead to love hacks...

Gladyce: get rid of all the boxes in your house. and the Treehouse. you know how? by putting the food items in plastic bags, i did that with all 40 of the pink-filling Twinkies we still have in the house. that should get them eaten, if they're seen from afar like art. and regular bacon. never get regular bacon. i have to strip the strips in half, strip off the fat side to put in the trash and leave the meat side. for some reason, the THICK bacon i can eat whole.

Doryce: for me i eat the regular bacon whole, i don't need to buy gum anymore so it works out...…...i'd go to the eye doctor right now so i can see your face better but it's a scam...

Gladyce: we feel each other.

Kaep: did you see that Ravens/49ers tilt this last weekend? THAT RIGHT THERE would have been an awesome Super Bowl!!! right? right, man? in the rain and everything---extra-hard conditions like an all-out contest-for-everything should be---yesmaam---ending the hard-fought collision on a hard field-goal. btw, when a white guy advocates for drugs and Satanism, it's cool in this society for some reason. blacks like metal, too. man that game brought back memories! sure we lost, but i was in a goddamn Super Bowl! remember?, i was good! no, it wasn't just the defense!

Jay Leno is giving the eulogy in the tragic funeral of K-pop star Goo:

Jay: she was a great girl...

Jay Leno is dragged out of the funeral hall by the Yakuza. Jay Leno makes one last weird four-directional spasm with his head.

Jay: okay okay i'm leaving, i can drive myself home. i get it. i wasn't gonna tell a joke throughout the entire hour and a half. despite some low-hanging fruit. look i just want to say that the President is jealous of my hair...

Laertus: so to conclude me and the old lady. so we go see an early showing of this very special film i want her to see. the movie-theatre is deserted which makes me feel bad, indie films NEVER get any support despite being the most well-crafted and meaningful art we have. BUT this does afford me the opportunity to sit right next to her in the center of the seating. i want to look directly into her eyes as she watches this, see if they tear up, if there's still juice in that old frame.

Dirg: but that's not true. there WAS another person sitting with you the way back…...Demi Lovato...

Laertus: oh that's right, Demi was in front of us in line, Demi got the senior-discount like my old lady did. anyway, the old lady watches the film studiously and stands up and applauds-for-one when it's finished and the lights come back on. before our movie, uh, "date", we had lunch together at where all couples go to nowadays: an eharmony café. she wanted to check her family history and herstory and credit history cos she was always told by her mother that her name was Krishna. that's why she couldn't understand her innate anathema to being kind and noble and her general hatred of foreigners. but, like most of us, she could read but was too in a hurry in this insane digital society we all live in so she might as well have been blind. i rechecked it for her: it had an extra letter, her name was the film we saw, Krisha.

Eye: hey, that old batty betty bitty takes drugs from a locked lozenge-case but she was gone so long cos she was trying to be a good person again. i feel for her, i'm gonna BE her one day, all floppy-naked in the shower...

Laertus: yeah exactly. so my old lady recognizes the Krisha in the film is based on the Krisha who she is in real life, and it all comes finally into her like a flood.

Demi: Krisha, Rated R.

Laertus: so Krisha turns to my face, she licks my face, and she says to me:

Krisha: so, is it just me or does the Krisha in this film look like a female bent slash President Bump?

Laertus: Krisha vows to change her lifelong intractable ways...

Dirg: ...and Krisha died the next day. good night, folks.

Eye: not yet. Tyzik, what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how the Portlandia thing, the Keep Portland Weird, came out of the Keep Austin Weird thing. but it doesn't make any sense, like how can a landlocked city be weirder than a coastal city?

Vic: how is Funimation in Texas? just...why? that's why all anime depicts Americans with Texan accents.

Eye: speaking of, any toonami stuff?

Tyzik: Demon Slayer, when they introduce the episode title each week, it's the same native chanting as the Survivor theme on CBS.

Dirg: Fire Force has the best graphics. makes fire so inviting...

Eye: Her and go. sounds like my Saturday nights.

Laertus: first off, why when all is said and done was it called Her? it should have been called Samantha. right? she is what this is all about, not her. see, the first-time virgin audience going in blind sees Samantha in the title and thinks they are gonna see a real woman at some point in the film, so it shocks them when she's an Operating System. that's the point.

Eye: i guess by referring to the computer as a human Her, it legitimizes her, makes her human even though she's not. she's above-human, superhuman. but i'm with you, Larry, it does make things very impersonal.

Dirg: i LOVE the critics for this one, they blasted Joaquin's character for being a dumbass idiot they couldn't take seriously!!! hahahaha, well that's one way not to feel uncomfortable feelings. you gotta give it up to the man tho: this man played a vicious Roman emperor, a spazzed-out tripwire Lost Generation-er, and a cuddly-bear borderline-twink, all the same actor, all the same Joaquin.

Laertus: before we get started, we gotta talk about behind-the-scenes! i mean Spike's spouse was Sofia Coppola who ten years earlier does Lost In Translation in which she includes in that film some commentary on their marriage through the character which caricatures her husband Spike's mannerisms and tendencies. Sofia divorces Spike that same year Lost takes off. and then ten years later---in which Spike hasn't really found with anyone what he had with Sofia---we get Her, which is Spike's counterargument.

Eye: yeah. and notice how Scarlett Johansson does both films! she's the insider on the inside to both parties! but is Spike/Sofia supposed to be Joaquin/Rooney here, or the Amy Adams/husband couple?

Dirg: Charles from Her ends up shaving his head and becoming a monk. sound familiar? i always get confused, Spike Jonze with a shaved head looks like Moby...

Laertus: so yeah, the critics. they said it's Scarlett who saves this film from becoming maudlin and boring, i tend to agree, can you imagine any other voice playing the Samantha part?

Dirg: the writing is so good here i swear if the voice was Stewie from Family Guy the romance still would have worked...

Eye: so wait! wow, i'm thinking Spike fell in love with his own computer in real life!

Laertus: nah, i'm thinking more along the lines of he fell in love with that foul-mouthed Alien Child he created in a hologram, like he was projecting that the Child would be the child he would have in real life by now with Sofia. i know any child of those two would be foul-mouthed like that.

Dirg: in a near-future Los say in 2049, the Rams are not relaxing this year like Aaron Rodgers in a snowy Giants Stadium, they're not just everything is as it should be and going with the flow of serene acting like an actor who invented jazz. oh okay! wait! and this is not racist! i swear to Christian God, that blind date Theodore Twombly---great name btw, very Walter Mitty---goes on, Olivia Wilde? i swear i didn't recognize her as Olivia! she looked like some unknown Asian actress to me!

Laertus: i don't often says this, but Olivia Wilde was a bitch to him! i mean give the poor dolt a chance! we're all just nervous people here!

Eye: i mean it's weird, i don't quite get it, he is able to write letters for people expertly crafting their complicated emotions, write them out as the most beautiful poetic words, and yet he can't seem to express his own emotions? he should have seen his own romance as just another job.

Dirg: i detach like that daily. point to me the exact MOMENT Rooney and Joaquin fell in love with each other in real life from this film, which scenes? no but you know, Scarlett as Samantha's voice, this is supposed to be the voice of an inanimate computer, yeah, that voice was too real and lifelike, it was just...creepy to think a computer could talk like that, it's just too real you know? the whole time you think there's an actual person trapped inside the computer.

Laertus: well it all goes back to what sentience really means. Machine Elves and the like. Obec University will cover this at some point in their classes and lectures. i think. some day i will be a graduate student...

Eye: Picard got it wrong. yes they predicted the iPad, but Starfleet should have envisioned putting the little computer box in your pocket...

Eye: Joaquin was on to something, he's a sage, there's a reason Werner Herzog saved him, Joaquin was wearing the safety pin before any of us knew anything about it...

Dirg: let's get to the sex. i mean it's not really possible. believe me, i would have perfected it by now. you can't really have sex with your computer no matter how hard you try, it's just enhanced masturbation looking at porn. well envisioning porn. but ironically, this vision of the near-future did a better job at giving us plausible future sex than the film from the way-future in 2049!

Eye: this is what i've been saying all along: sex isn't really physical at all, it's all in the mind. but it REALLY is all in the mind! it's all wordplay. orgasm is not about cum, it's about the explosion in your mind!

Laertus: don't worry, by the time we all get cyberbrains, this will all be streamlined: sex, love, life.

Dirg: Chris Pratt being the doofus he was on Everwood. although it is true that Joaquin is part-man part-woman here. or both man and woman. or maybe more of a woman in a man's body. what's with this trope that white men who work as computer-programmers will inevitably get an Asian wife?

Dirg: the famous confrontation scene, i've memorized it for my own life. i mean i can't argue with the Rooney Catherine chick, but here's the deal: Theo, take off your glasses, buddy! this is how it would have gone down:

Catherine: omg, your eyes are so blue! they're like the ocean! i could just swim in them!!!
Theo: wow, that's like a line, i mean, guys are the ones who are usually trying to say that to chicks...

Dirg: and the threesome scene, that was hilarious! i'll never forget that taxi expression of her sadness and ultimate doldrums! poor Portia Doubleday just wants to experience their pure love! you know that type of stuff happens in menages, it's just not talked about, it's left behind-the-scenes. that's why throuples can never work in the long run. but here's the thing: the woman shouldn't have been Portia, THE WOMAN THEY HAVE THE THREESOME WITH SHOULD HAVE BEEN SCARLETT JOHANSSON HERSELF IN THE FLESH!!! that would have worked out for all parties involved! and that is how i fantasize about it now...

Laertus: huh. maybe, yeah i mean that would have really been meta. i'll leave the fantasizing to Eye here.

Dirg: okay, the snowy-woods scene, when nerd-dude is talking to Alan Watts, who's supposed to be dead. btw, Alan Watts is the true inventor of the light bulb...

Laertus: i mean i feel for the guy. Samantha loves BILLIONS of other people like STARS. but the thing is, it's like if you meet an Evangelical who truly believes the only Way is Christ, who am I to argue her out of it? maybe the hippies were right, the MORE you love the STRONGER you love...

Dirg: you can see in Joaquin's eyes right there in that jealousy scene after Samantha goes away for awhile......the Joker he gonna go all incel and tear shit up!? or remain calm and his usual sweet nerd self?

Laertus: my friends, we three each are gonna have to confront our own lonelinesses in this society at some point...

Eye: this is how it really went down: remember Amy is doing that research on sleeping? so Theo has been dreaming this the whole time. Catherine was never real, she was an implant implanted by Amy to spice up their marriage---she's married to Joaquin---they did the conventional route and were college sweethearts. and the Mom Video Game didn't sell as she had hoped in the new post-MeToo culture. Catherine was Amy in disguise, purely for that juicy wanton wet cheating sex. that doesn't work so Amy disguises herself as OS Samantha. Theo wakes up to a world in which HE is the operating system: he's the human in a world of OSs. he desperately needs to find a way to get back to his foursome...

Eye: i mean it must be nice to have Amy Freakin' Adams as your backup...most are alone when their computer leaves them...

Dirg: Kristen Wiig, that's a character she invented for SNL, right? the woman who confuses being a Sexy Kitten with choking her cat. good night, folks.

Rubikon: folks, you have to keep your eyes peeled in this world. look for clues in words. look at any nonsense word or word you make up on the spot with a certain arrangement of letters, try it, try to create a word right now: i GUARANTEE you it's already a commune in France, look it up...

Rubikon: ...or it's a railway station in France...

Rubikon gets online with Mickey Bump, Jr., first he goes to Mickey Jr's Instagram and to his Instagram Stories, on each comment box for whatever Story it is---vacation, political, family, winter sports---Rubikon types

come on, man

Rubikon then chats Mickey Jr up on chat. after a 1 1/2 hour heated exchange, Rubikon types

you my precious kitty cat

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