Friday, December 13, 2019



* i'll still holding out hope for the flying cars. *fingers-crossed emoji, they finally did the fingers-crossed emoji...*

* back when being a Drifter was a good thing

* the old GE Building, viciously mocked by Michael O'Donoghue in the '80s...

* hello. i'm an expat. my name used to be Patrick.

* Facebook group: hello, dad.
dad: whoa, i thought Facebook was evil.

* dad: what are you doing, daughter?
daughter: i'm a modern kid, i'm practicing my mini-finger-violin whilst coloring your adult coloring book whilst watching a very rare Chinese anime...

* dad: so pecans, vanilla, and maple syrup...
Facebook group: sex thing?
dad: no, i want to make a pecan pie.
Facebook Group: but pecan pie is disgusting.

* FG: check the market at the corner.
dad: every market is at the corner.
FG: i'll be the Asian man with the long black hair.
dad: come on, dude, these are cyberpunk times, everyone has the Trent Reznor hair. how many miles is it?
FG: don't worry, the subway train flies...

* daughter: daddy, why don't you look like me?
dad: not now, honey, we gotta do this pecan pie thing.

* daughter: in the future, there is only one car: the Fooly Cooly scooter.
dad: what the fuck. *wags fist* Sunday driver!
daughter: there are no more days. didn't you see Midnight Cowboy, dad? even I saw Midnight Cowboy, it won the Oscar on Jeopardy!!!

* dad: what these vanilla beans smell like to you?
daughter: white christmas. since all of our days are sunless now. don't stick them up my nose.

* dad: no sir, sir, don't stick your hand in your pants, i don't want to fight, i'm looking for pecan nuts.
daughter: oooh, look how colorful the paint station is!
store clerk's wife: Jean-Claude Van Damme, whatever happened to him? he was so KUH-YUTE!

* dad: hey! you're that guy from the fashion commercial!
baldy: thank you! everyone thinks i'm a monk or Aang.
daughter: can i have your cat?

* at the cornershop:
dad: brimful of asha?
clerk: not cool, dude. what are the origins of a one-hit wonder? we're like 7-Eleven but we don't sell skin mags anymore. still got the hot white fluorescent lighting tho. and plaid shirts and backwards ball caps.

* dad: Jiri's shop...whoa! Jere Burns! where the fuck have you been, partner!?
Jere: hey who pays the electric bill for all this neon lighting?
dad: Bernie. Bernie Burns.

* dad: what time is it? we're late!
daughter: there is no time. there is only The Eternal Moment of Now.
dad: cute, dear, but did mom say 7 AM or PM?
daughter: 7 CM.

* old man: hold your horses, whippersnapper.
daughter: horseracing is immoral.
old man: my last bottle of maple syrup.
daughter: why does it taste like polish for your shoes?
old man: shame what happened to Canada after the Trudeau years...

* dad: *running upstairs at the metro* got the BART ticket!!?
daughter: nope. the Simpsons already did it. i'll just jump the gate like all we postmillennials do.

* daughter: can we make pancakes!!?
dad: no.
daughter: damn.
daughter: happy birthday, mom!
wife: but this is pie, not cake.
daughter: i knew i should've got candles. but candles are outlawed. except neon candles.
wife: thank you, honey. and vanilla-honey. but remember, we talked about that thing about Time when it came to women...
dad kisses wife.
wife: you know, babe, in this neon light, i never noticed this but you look like a young Jere Burns! so how do you like the family Christmas present! notice anything about our front door?
dad and daughter: Cosby Show!
wife: damn right. i pay taxes. our apartment is straight-up Working Girl from the outside drone view.
wife: oh god, this pie is disgusting! nuh uh, no pecan, i like apple, Dutch apple.
daughter: now i get it.


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: speaking of pie, no there's no Holiday Pie at McDonald's this year---doing the clever-marketing-campaign McRib-style where you starve the customers for 5 years so they can't wait to have that rare item again---so i guess i'll have to get that new BBQ McBurger. at least make the bacon sugar bacon for the festive holiday season...


Bathwater said...

Pecan pie is the worst if you are counting calories. But is obesity and poor nutrition now go hand in hand, pecan pie it is.

the late phoenix said...

bath: I just don't like the taste of it but that's just me, I'm in the minority, everyone I know swears by it