TMIT: MERRY CHRISTMAS, MULTIVERSE

1. Christmas music is everywhere. it has been on the radio in my area since mid-November. if you had to listen to Christmas music from one artist---nonstop during December---who would be crooning those holiday tunes? MUST PICK. why? why?

a) Harry Connick. Jr.

b) Mariah Carey

i used to be one of those who hated Christmas music coming on, despised the season, cos i was a moody-blues why-me doomy teenager and this time of year only deepened my depression. but now, well, i kinda don't care anymore, it actually serves as a distraction.

i got a thing for Mariah Carey, she's hot, sexy, chaste, and a little crazy. i like how she says she can count her sexual partners on one hand. meanwhile Nick Cannon is currently helping Lindsay Lohan with her stuff. i want more of the zany Mariah when she went on Carson Daly, that version would be fun to hang with.

as Mariah always says, Christmas officially starts the day after Halloween. the first time i saw Mariah i thought she was a Christian artist cos i saw her with a grunge-plaid shirttail wrapped around her bellybutton as she frolicked in the field daisies. meanwhile Nick Cannon brought back All That, that was him, right? yeah, that show just isn't the same...

maybe Nick can help with that AGT mess. notice how Simon Cowell doesn't issue a statement, the first thing he does is lawyer up. Simon's been in Hollywood for some time now.

o, Mariah's voice on O Holy Night is literally out of this world! NOBODY can sang like this woman! you're waiting for that one O Holy Night high note, and Mariah knocks it out of the park in her Mariah-octave that only her tongue can reach!

meanwhile Harry Connick, Jr. he was a good match for Mariska on SVU. does he still have that talk show? i remember Mariska was his first guest on his show, cos he's like, i better get some recompense for doing SVU. SVU can't last forever, right? the writers MUST end it with Mariska finally happy. this is how it must go down to please everyone: Stabler comes back for the series finale to get down on one knee at Central Park to ask for Mariska's hand in marriage. then Mariska turns to the camera and says coyly, "i'll think about it". and that's how the show ends, this cliffhanger will please all fans.

2. in 2019, in the bedroom, were you mostly naughty or nice? in the bedroom, i was a church mouse. on the park bench tho...

3. in your next sexcapade, whom will you be joining and boning?

a) Mr and Mrs. Claus
b) Grinch
c) Frosty the Snowman
d) 4 of Santa's elves

a) i just want Brad and Angelina to get back together, they're OTP.
b) look, the Grinch just needed to get laid, that was his problem. take it from me, Grinch, living up atop a snowy mountain like a monk is not good for your psychological health.
c) i know the real reason Frosty melted. we had a simultaneous cumming and i exploded in my mind and he orgasmed so hard he literally exploded into droplets.
d) i know nobody buys wooden toys anymore, but when Gargamel saw the elf conveyor belt the other day and saw the entire manufacturing model was now sex toys, he immediately whistleblowered Santa...

4. do you celebrate any holidays in December?

if you look at the pagan holidays, it's a mixed bag. and blessing. on the one hand, this time of year is a bummer cos everything is about endings: the year ends, the season ends, the crop ends, the harvest ends, the moon plays under the fog, the trees have no leaves and will leave you, there's only enough sunlight to make one electric cider. on the other hand, this is the time for renewal and hope, it's the start of a new year. it's still fucking cold tho. i knew an 80-year-old man with a beard who every New Year's Party went naked with a tophat and the guests thought he was Mr. Monopoly. but he was the New Year's Baby. he told me it's hard being a nudist in winter...

i had this same friend tell me it sucked for him to have a birthday in December cos nobody came to his party, they were too busy partying. the only person who ever came to his birthday party was Santa...

5. how will you be spreading holiday cheer in 2019?

two words: plant butter

BONUS: what Netflix holiday movie do you recommend we watch?

the Mike Tyson Mysteries holiday special tonight real late!!!

and Baby Yoda, i interviewed Baby Yoda for my college chapbook, this is what he had to say:

Baby Yoda: i did the whole Baby Jesus thing first...

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