WHEN THE TRAINS STOP RUNNING: KOYAANISQATSI

 

we've come back from the Mrs. Roper Romp in Hermosa Beach. Kurt Cobain was our guide.

me: you're the coolest guide ever, Kurt.

Jen R: yeah man, can you do my spirit walk for me?

Kurt Cobain: ain't no thing, i was wearing sundresses LONG before anyone else was into it.

me: i admit, i was a little hesitant at first wearing this caftan, but it has such nice fish on it. silk fish from a Seattle flying monger?

Jen: no, Abe Vigoda's head.

Mrs. Roper: parties are the time to come clean about your life. Abe Vigoda stuck his hairy bald head under my caftan and gave me my first cunt-suck. i know he looks like a sad vampire but i had to do it. i mean i couldn't ask Stanley to do it, he would have no idea what that was!!!

Victor Wembanyama: i am Frankenstein. well Frankenstein's monster. i was named after my father...

Kurt Cobain: you know "Smells Like Teen Spirit" COULD have been a stadium anthem if we had played it live enough...

Roger Federer: okay. fine. i'll be the sole lone donor for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting to re-up itself again. it's a lonely job but somebody's gotta do it. just use all the money in my Swiss bank account that's NOT secret in a cave under a snow mountain. in a frozen box. not frozen assets. like my money's in a real bank, the bank next to the mall where i live in Basel. i didn't want to be a tennis coach anyway...

Philip Glass kissing me while playing a glass piano: call Koyaanisqatsi Nestle Quik for quick reference.

racy: not racist.

Talia: the catnip really helps with my zoomies at 3AM...

Fernando Mendoza: i'm that Goonies kid who grew up.

Pee-wee Herman: look out for those letters in the white cardboard envelope, we get a lot of those delivered to the Playhouse.

Pluto TV: our website looks like a bad 1950s sci-fi movie at the drive-in with the red-and-blue paper-and-saran wrap 3D glasses.

Pizzapalooza: Trent Reznor as a grandfather drenched in mud slipping all over the field...

Trent Reznor: it's not war mud but we were a different generation.

steak knife: a butter knife that actually cuts.

cow: you had no idea that thing in front of a train was for me...

Rod Serling: okay we'll play ONE tennis match to determine who's the spookier storyteller.

Alfred Hitchcock: did you say TENSION match? i can't wear that cool red-white-and-blue headband that makes your shaggy long '70s hair so Bjorn Borg.

Rod: because you're British?

Alfred: because i'm bald. it's not fair, look at me, what do you think will happen when i reach up to hit an overhead smash?...

Rod: is this part of your script? fat people wear jeans, too. tennis is played in jeans, right?

Anthony Bourdain: i became famous at age 44. i didn't live long enough to enjoy it...

R.E.M.: we're The Grateful Dead of the '90s...

Kurt Cobain watches the feature presentation at the Hermosa Beach shoebox theatre next to the beach with his thick black eyeglasses.

Jen: so Smiths.

Kurt: i'm really relishing my new role as film reviewer for the New York Times. 

me: so how was Koyaanisqatsi?

Jen: tell us all about it, big guy.

Kurt Cobain: Koyaanisqatsi is the first Vaporwave video. it's the first Off the Air episode. the first Hello Meteor music video. the first IMAX ride at Universal Studios Hollywood. the first wide pan overhead shot of a supermarket...