DOMESTIC BLISS: HERMIT-BORN

 

Jen and i make it to the top of the mountain. the trip takes all day, all the sunlight's been burned out.

hermit: all connected.

me: i never asked for this. i didn't want a life of loneliness. i wanted to find someone like everyone else.

hermit: then why the fuck are you here? to find yourself? do you know how long that takes? it takes at least three lifetimes to find yourself, and by then THAT someone is not the someone you are now.

Jen R: is there a bar up here? what do you do when you want a drink because you made the wrong life decision? 

hermit: bottles are easily stored in the cave. but i have no money, remember? no wisdom was ever gained alone.

Jen: hey, between you and me, you can whisper it in my ear: you know how to fly, right? 

hermit: let me let you two in on a little secret: all hermits want to die.

Michael Weiss: the most devastating thing you can call someone is your IG friend...

Alexa: i'm the real Santa Claus...

doors: without doors, there would be no civilization.

Jen: both meanings, there would be no society. but there would also be fighting all the time with no chance for a break...

Italian wedding soup: don't put carrots in it, that's just weird.

any misspelled word: look up that misspelled word, it's the name of a company...

Walker: can i see you naked now? can i see your butt and breasts?

Jackie: Walker honey, remember, it takes a lifetime of waiting for the dick-suck to be good...

Sam Wawrinka: Love, Your Mind...

Joel Brooks: imagine Groucho as a porn star.

DraftKings: we're here at the Premier League taking the piss as you piss your life away gambling on soccer matches. double up those braces. no Guinness needed, you're in too deep, you should have chosen darts.

Maya Rudolph: why didn't i sleep with people at SNL? why didn't i flirt with people at SNL?.........oh right, it was like Adam Sandler, so...

Scott Weiland: yes that's me in the threesome on the desert hill in the Smashing Pumpkins "Today" music video...

Faerie Tale Theatre "The Princess and the Pea."

Shelley Duvall: hello, i'm Shelley Duvall. which parasol was the best?

Liza Minnelli: you never knew i had such nice tits. i got a great pair of LUNGS. for singing SHOWTUNES with!!!

Tom Conti: *famous scoff* it's just, with all due deference, but i bagged a REAL princess: Princess Diana.

Tim Kazurinsky: i was Sling Blade in real life...

Willie Geist: once again children are playing dominoes in their homes. they're realizing their parents aren't coming home from work to save them, their parents have no clue as to the godawful world we find ourselves in. 

Ira Glass: you're trying way too hard to have a soft voice, bro.

Melissa Maker: clean the INSIDE of things...

Ben Nighthorse Campbell: a lot of secret stuff happens in the Senate. let's just say I was responsible for keeping Northern Exposure on the air for as unusually long as it was given how strange and convoluted it was...

Blue Exorcist: we are gonna FORCE you to like Shima if it kills us!!!

Caron Bernstein: inevitably i came.........back to him...

T.J. Watt: don't fix a collapsed lung with a CPAP mask, it doesn't work, i've tried it. dry needling is not alternative-medicine pseudoscience quackery. it's better than wet needling which is just spaghetti. no wait that's wet noodling.

new Baltimore Ravens kicker: you know when your mind is in an endless spiraling nightmare loop?...

Justin Tucker: all i'm saying is i would have made that field goal...

Jen R: so now what do we do up here? a cloud just went in my mouth, it tasted like cotton candy!!!

hermit: there is one prized possession up here. explains why the world is how it is.

Jen in her Katharine Hepburn voice: ah yes, the Keeper of the Flame. in the Ark of the Covenant.

Martin Page holding a pickax: ...