WHEN THE TRAINS STOP RUNNING: TAXI PUNCHBOWL

 

Louise Lasser: nobody puts out a punchbowl at a party anymore.

Jen R: i know, how do you expect people to put out? nobody puts a lampshade on their head anymore because there are no more lampshades, it's tragic.

Louise: nobody sets out a grandfather clock. grandfathers have to set out their goals...

Jen: what color is punch?

Louise: only red.

me: not necessarily.

i take a can of warm RC Cola and hold it to my face rubbing it all over my cheeks.

me, eyes closed: my mild prince.

Jen: you okay?

me in hushed tones: my only friend.

i pour the RC into the punchbowl to spike it.

Louise Lasser: me too. Taxi showed life how it really was, gritty and dark. Christmas isn't a time of jolly and giving, it's a DESPERATE DEPRESSING time. when you have no family. when you've disappointed every member of your family. when all your friends are gone because you're annoying. there are worse fates than being homeless. why does everyone ELSE have a healthy family during Christmas?!!! i had nowhere to stay. my ex-husband Judd Hirsch was kind enough after much noodging to allow me to crash on the couch at his apartment for the holidays. i would have preferred his bedroom but i didn't ask if he remarried...

Chicago: known for its cocoa...

Leonardo DiCaprio: pasta pasta and more pasta. Chef Boyardee is old enough to be my father...

Abe Vigoda: i'm Dracula with puppy-dog eyes.

canvas envelope: to be used only by Indiana Jones in the jungle to stuff cash in in the event of a witch-doctor emergency.

Bubblegum Crisis: to be watched only by those age 50 and older...

Boomers: when you think of the word Boomer, you never think of a woman...

Louise Laser conducts a seance alone in Judd Hirsch's NYC apartment on Christmas Eve that apparently only benefits herself. she's the only one who can hear the ghost voices.

Louise Lasser: i move my long slender bony witch fingers around and up and down every corner and spell out the word KOYAANISQATSI. my mother always said i would either die a witch or win a spelling bee. did you know Koyaanisqatsi was the first Enigma music video? there is no such thing as a Hopi curse, the Hopi are too enlightened for that. it was the first Sesame Street episode. the inspiration for the movies Working Girl, Hoop Dreams, and The Lathe of Heaven. that empty warehouse was used in a George Michael music video and a '90s season of The Real World. it was trying to show us that all those glass windows from Alexandria in Roman Egypt in 100 AD on should have been used as solar panels, we'd have enough energy now!!!

Suzy Lu: grab your sweeties. and your sweetie.

Steejo: ...

Kakashi: and your Wicked lemon popcorn.

ALF: if you were the little brother in the family of ANY '80s sitcom, you have NO CHANCE in life...

Death Note: someone's final message before death.

Jesus: an eternity with Scott Adams? but he's so annoying. i'd rather hang out with Dilbert, he doesn't say much, i can read his thoughts, he's a funny guy.

Dilbert: my tie represents my erect penis.

Garfield: corporate mismanagement? that's a liberal concept. that's a Berkeley concept. because of you, Scott Adams, newspaper readers flocked back to me!!!

T-Mobile: you're welcome, Scrubs fans...

Applebee's: we present our burgers cut down the middle and then the two halves are placed face-down side-by-side on the plate. it's so BIZARRE you'll forget you gave up burgers for life.

vamoose: mousse pie.

Benji Gregory: i mean you'd think ALF would be the one to overheat.

leave the pot: of coffee, this ain't a marijuana deal at Denny's!!!

Judge Harold T. Stone: that's not Marilyn Monroe, that's Jean Harlow...

at one of those impromptu Christmas parties where you never know who's gonna knock at the door next...

Louise Lasser: yes i'm noodging God. God needs it. i mean why bother listening to the prayers of the Ice Capade babes, they have it made. 

Jen R: yeah, they work with the Smurfs.

Louise: i want a New Year's kiss from my husband Judd Hirsch, ON THE LIPS. i want to go back to how things used to be. let's just pretend we're still a family again. that nothing has changed. that everything is stable and light. and will be that way for the next 60 years.

Ignatowski: my name sounds like John Belushi in a frat toga who lives in Ancient Rome. i was a student at Harvard with a mind sharper than Timothy Leary's. then i ate ONE pot brownie. ONE. fucked my mind up to the point where all i do now is blurt out incoherently brilliant fragments of thought. my brain is frenzied up and down. i speak like i've always just had a can of Mountain Dew.

me: story of my life.  

Ignatowski: yeah so let me tell you about the dream i had last night. i'm with Billy Idol, he's behind the curtain just about to go on stage.

Billy Idol: yeah. and the crowd is chanting SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, it's all they seem to want. as their rock god i can't go around disappointing my people so i run through that curtain, get out there on that stage, bathe in the frayed light of the spotlight, and sing "Eyes Without A Face..."

Louise Lasser: my monologues are long and frantic. who left that stain on the wall? is that wall stain poo or the pot brownie?

Abe Vigoda: it can be both. sorry. i was already an old man in the '70s...

Louise: remember guys, TWO SHEETS of toilet paper is the limit. get all your caca out on two sheets.

Jen: yeah. if the toilet floods no one gets regular brownies for dessert...