DOMESTIC BLISS: PRECIOUS PAWS

 

Trinity the cat: ever notice when you're doing our litter?

me: sure, those two or three TINY pebbles of litter on the outside edge of the box.

Talia the cat: that's magic dust. those are made by PRECIOUS PAWS. when you see that on the edge, make a wish that you are carried AWAY from the edge.

Jen R: i hear music.

Talia: good catch, woman. when you're SIFTING THE SAND BACK AND FORTH in the litter box that's the chorus of the Vaporwave song HOME "Resonance..."

Voyage of the Rock Aliens: before Bill & Ted...

Jackie: you got a new truck?

Walker: i guess.

Jackie: how'd you afford it?

Walker: i don't know.

Jackie: but you ride ME.

Bowen Yang: emotional dysregulation.

Cher: what even is that?

Bowen: you wouldn't understand, queen, you had Sonny to balance you out. i got no one. i got Jennifer Coolidge but she insists on being Chloe Fineman.

Jimmy Eat World: the middle.

Bowen: that band was one generation before my time. i'm dating Drake.

Chris Redd: we SNL alums MUST stick together or the world doesn't make sense. i had a pill problem and only Kenan Thompson's wife could fill my prescriptions. i am SO sorry, Kenan, i am ASHAMED of what i did to my fellow comedy combatant going out there in these dangerous times fearlessly telling jokes about powerful people.

Kenan Thompson: don't say you looked up to me. don't say i helped you when you were a comedy rookie. invited you into my home, my wife fed you pesto lasagna. don't say you used to watch me on All That.

Kenan: i was your "unknown assailant" at the Comedy Cellar in New York in October of 2022.

Chris: now that's funny.

Victor Wembanyama: my favorite movie: Karate Kid...

Jason Presson: why did i quit acting? i had the acting chops, man!!! but you know, losing River Phoenix, that fucked me pretty good. i never recovered from that. it's like losing Mark Blatty as your best friend, you know?

walkie-talkies: boys in the '80s didn't need the internet!!!

grandfather: why did original Listerine look like piss? all those lonely nights by myself brushing my own teeth!!!

Xyber 9: New Dawn: if Ralph Bakshi had been on Jetix...

Xyber 9: the actual character of just C3PO's head...

Trump: sinks to new low.........my approval ratings, just my approval ratings...

coleslaw: without the sauce it's sofrito.

Bill Daily on ALF: i'm the MOST SENSITIVE THERAPIST you'll ever have. Mister Rogers thinks i'm soft. my body is too skinny for baseball. cuddle inside my sweater. Bill Daly looks better on the page...

MTV's Undressed: Red Shoe Diaries without the tits...

Miami Hurricanes: the 7-Eleven team...

Miami: we're moving on.

Tubbs: do i need to get involved here? see the jheri curl was actually a symbol of TOUGHNESS.

Miami: not from a bad breakup, into the championship round...

Jen takes me to an obscure theatre in Monrovia, CA, out in the middle of nowhere.

me: goths don't take to the desert.

Jen R: it's worth it, follow me, that screen over there. 

me: the little moviehouse Kurt Cobain is entering now? 

Kurt Cobain: opening the door and crawling under.

Jen: i mean what are the chances?

Kurt sits right in front of us in the row with his feet up.

Kurt: ripped jeans and faded skateboard shoes up.

Jen: okay dude, we'll watch your feature first.

Kurt leaves the theater giddy and brimming with topics to talk about the way we all were after a movie in the '80s...

Kurt Cobain: Solarbabies. Bodhi is such a cool name, perfect for a quick note. it was like 1984 for kids. this movie taught the Power Rangers how to rollerblade. this movie finally made hockey popular. Kenny Loggins wrote "Danger Zone" for this as the doomy dirge it was meant to be, electronica, not an America-fueled soaring rock 'n' roll stadium anthem that's hopeful. Smokey Robinson made me believe in love again with his Giorgio Moroder love song. all ballads need to be listened to by a lake at sunset. the GHASTLY way they treated that ball. the villainess was in The Human League, right?

we stay in the dry hot musty room to see that one lost episode of It's a Living on the big screen.

i kiss Jen because.........is there ever a reason NOT to kiss Jen?!!!

me: get your Coke, your sweeties, your popcorn, your chewy chowder, your tampon the size of a brick, your thin panty, your light glasses, your key to the bathroom, your medicine, if you take your medicine don't forget your apple juice...

Jen: .........and some pretzel sticks.

me: i can't believe you found this episode!!! it's copyright-blocked from ALL online lists because of the cool soul music in it.

Nancy Wilson: the jazz singer, not the other one. i sing with all my heart...

Jen: "The Ginger's Mother Show." how i'm gonna miss this show now that i've seen ALL the episodes. seeing Gail Edwards's TITS on the silver screen in that waitress getup is really something to behold!!!