ANNEX: NOT A FAN OF THE BOXES

 

Jen R: i live in the annex. of our house. my husband doesn't trust me to get the groceries, he thinks i'll get like 18 boxes of Froot Loops.

me: you can't do that on the Instacart app, right? at least your room is cool. with the thin-brasswire bed and Hawaii Five-O blanket and wood TV set from the '70s that only plays the SNL Channel.

Jen: one day i'm gonna surf on my blanket. i can't take any more weirdness from you.

me: me? 

Jen: what's with you and the boxes? you're the strangest house guest i've ever put up.

me: thank you for putting up with me, it's only till the DVDs run out.

Jen: you don't like boxes? like all the boxes in this place are GONE, you've taken all of the STUFF out of all of the boxes and recycled the boxes!!!

me: i'd say it was for space but i really think i have an undiagnosed fear of boxes. when i see a box i immediately have to flatten it.

Jen: all packages with a thin plastic skeleton. you take the popsicles out of the box in the freezer. all the EXTRA-LARGE boxes from Pizza My Heart are ripped to corrugated shreds. cereal's in the plastic Seinfeld cereal container. strawberry wafers in a baggie. separating the brownie into 8 bars. you take the Tootsie Roll Pops out of the package, the K-cups out of the paper coffee box, and put them both in ONE bowl...

me: i wish i could do it with the orange juice and milk containers. have any large bags?

Jen: i'm gonna have to find this again post-'80s, the only box you'll keep, the blue box from Van de Kamp frozen enchiladas. i get it, that blue is mesmerizing.

Chris Fowler: see? i wasn't Nick Saban trying to talk tennis...

Curt Flood: because of me, all baseball players are flooded with cash...

Dan Snyder: see the football is so bad but you can surf/ice-hockey, depending on the weather season, OUTSIDE the stadium. and the stadium flips over to reveal it was Noah's Ark all along...

Thanks, AI: the new Thanks, Obama.

haircut: to see Hamnet. and then maybe Hamlet later if that Buffalo park is open at night.

Xi: you see the smile on my face? i never smile. i'm having over Canada for a meeting about a trade deal...

Johnny Cash: i'm not Freddy Krueger, okay?

Metallica: we are simply classical music played in a metal style.

Tupac Shakur: yeah we were ALL grunge in the '90s, all the gangbangers wore plaid long-sleeved shirts over their white T-shirts...

we're in the annex.

me: dream last night: i'm trying to drive my dad's 1973 Pinto but i get the nerves. the trunk is locked shut with a set of larger-than-normal pool balls in a triangle rack inside, no key. after much whimpering and hedging i finally just fucking STEP on the gas and the trunk pops open. what do you think it means?

Jen: you still don't have the balls to live life. you gotta get out there, you gotta get in a car and drive to a place. only then will you find out your balls were actually larger than the average man's balls.

Zalman King: yeah i did do live television interviews promoting Red Shoe Diaries, but they were only broadcast on local Los Angeles stations. Steve Edwards was cool with my art.

Freedom Williams: no one has said "ill" or "rock the mic" since the '90s...

Lleyton Hewitt: i was on The Prince of Tennis? oh yeah, i was #1 at that time...

Withnail and I: Trainspotting in the country...

all surfers: are snowboarders.

The Little Prince: we should team up.

Harold and the Purple Crayon: you're not all alone in the universe with no friends, i crayoned your tiny planet, i'm your only friend...

King Kai: i'm jealous of your home...

Chevy Chase: it's not a skit, it's not a sketch, it's a bit.

Chevy Chase: i am not okay anymore...

Mickey Rooney: do you understand the universe now?

Yakko: ...

Mickey Rooney: i'm not a cartoon. better than those British buffoons Monty Python, i always hated those guys, they're so crude.

Rocko's Modern Life: the Bigheads, the green cave-toad neighbors, are Stanley and Helen Roper.

Rayactions: don't look at my tits.

Stanley Roper: but they're so plump.

Helen Roper: what? oh Stanley how could you!!!

Stanley: uh, ask Jack, somehow that gets me out of this...

Rayactions: Chris Cornell gave his life for this stuff you know. pay attention to my song analysis, i'm an opera singer. because of me you decided you liked music.

Trinity the cat: i have chartreuse eyes.

tree's down: not taking the Christmas tree down in February, the tree's in your front porch because the power outage caused wind damage.

Cary Elwes: YOULES.

Bryan Adams: Robin Hood looking like Kevin Costner was ridiculous.

Chopper from One Piece: if only i had been in charge of the covid vaccine...

Sir Alex Ferguson: the Patriots are gonna win the Super Bowl. Manchester United is good again. you say you liked the '90s but you really didn't.

Bill Belichick: and you DEFINITELY didn't like the 2000s.

Jen: i gotta get out of my living arrangement!!!

me: let's go to Slab City.

Jen: finally, a place that's NOT on the map.

we get there as the sun goes down. or up. plunging the Aztec sunrays to a pleasant purple in a bowl below the orange mountains.

Jen: Slab City is Pee-wee's Playhouse in real life. it's one large skateboard halfpipe.

me: don't look now but we're about to be encountered by a man who's basically Santa Claus if he were homeless. coming right for us.

naked disheveled Santa man: want some lemon spaghetti sauce that's still red?

Jen: huh. never thought that would work but i guess it does.

naked disheveled Santa man: this way you can skip the salad.

Jen: do you live here with your common-law wife you carry around everywhere?

naked disheveled Santa man: you can do that? there are no laws here.

me: i see a lot of desert-stone art and bone crosses but not houses, where does everyone live?

naked disheveled Santa man: we're not telling the government that!!!

Jesus with a punk shaved head: bone crucifixes...

naked disheveled Santa man: just promise me one thing, don't you cool folks be bringing over those Burning Man people, Slab City is Burning Man without the crowds. those unwashed masses, our clay halfpipe is a swimming pool you know. hello, my name is Tony Hawk. they never should have allowed skateboarding into the Olympics. oh, and you can't be disheveled if you're not wearing clothes.