WHEN THE TRAINS STOP RUNNING: UNIVERSE TALKS

 

Rodney Recloose from Skate or Die is manning the counter at Top Dog in Berkeley.

Jen R: what's with the bug eyes, dude?

Rodney Recloose: i'm Rodney Dangerfield with a green mohawk. somehow my face looks less ridiculous this way.

me: i've always wanted to work at Top Dog.

Jen: you've never wanted to work at all. that commercial flat-top grill is cool tho, the GIANT silver rectangle in front of your eyes and nostrils, listening to the SIZZLE of the linguica.

Rodney: linguica, it works as a standalone in a bun but not on pizza.

Jen: bun my buns!!! those are kaiser rolls!!!

Rodney: hey buddy.

me: me? i've never been called friend before.

Rodney: OPEN THE GLASS DOORS to this place!!! front AND back. it's the only way to cook hot dogs, otherwise this tiny box of a street-food building loses its Berkeley lore, it becomes a hotbox of NON-marijuana smoke.

Jen: then this beloved place is just a fire hazard. that's no fun.

Rodney: here, buddy, take my shovel to flip the dogs.

me: the responsibility. i'm shaking.

Rodney: when you were young you were practicing for this job, you just didn't know it. every time you cooked Lil Smokies in your pan for breakfast you were working your way up to linguica.

John Malkovich in a college red backwards cap: everyone thinks i'm Steve Buscemi. one linguica, no roll.

Rodney: slow the roll, got it. let the linguica sizzle in front of you, stare at it for like 20 minutes.

Rodney: there was a reason i asked you to open the doors, kid. at night everything changes, you can see the stars from Top Dog NOT on the roof. stare out at the sky from the door. the night sky. the endless stars. the endless stairs you have to take in life to see those stars. i'm not talking astrophysics here, kid, i'm talking metaphysics.

Jen: both have great departments at Berkeley. 

Rodney: what is the universe communicating to you right now, kid? in your ear.

universe: NOTHING.

me: i'd rather not say. too depressing. college is depressing enough.

pretzels: don't do it. don't get that bag of pretzels. you'll get sick of them after your second pretzel...

30 seconds: the precise time to reheat cold pizza in the microwave, TRUST me...

Wikipedia: humanity at its best, not found in the world...

Rodney Recloose: oh yeah i remember watching Koyaanisqatsi when i was a student here. or maybe it was last week. you know they say never watch hot dogs being made, but in this case it was worth it for the Philip Glass music. that's why i have glass doors.

Billy Corgan: tonight, tonight.

Genesis: ...tonight...

Waco Taco: doesn't make up for the missing Choco Taco.

Flinders Petrie: if God looked like a human...

The Grinch: when you think of the color green, you never think of lime green...

Trunks: what happens when i go Super Saiyan Blue?...

Roku: the legal ok.ru?

Night Court intro: a drug deal is going down...

Jacques Pepin: spaghetti? no. come on, man. just no. i'm not making fucking spaghetti.

Aribeth: i sound like Bulma!!!

Winnie the Pooh: i taught you to twerk, not Miley Cyrus.

audiologist: AUDIOLOGIST, not cardiologist. you think if i were a cardiologist i'd be on this game show trying to make some extra scratch? are you deaf?

Nugenix: and HE'LL like it, too. a-ha!!! you didn't think we had the guts to go there!!!

Fatburger: is this Twin Peaks? oh shit i forgot, David Lynch is dead...

Kurt Cobain: i won a yodeling contest in Spokane when i was age 6...

Dolores O'Riordan: that's nothing, i was a baby and i already knew Gaelic keening.

Dave Gahan: it's pronounced Gone. in my mind i've been gone since the Ultra album came out...

Sylvia Plath: stay the path.

Richard Gere: we're a small planet. do you realize how SMALL our planet is? we can't have these stupid-clown world leaders like Trump and Putin going around throwing around their power like candy. we must enact laws and do initiatives which will benefit ALL THE PEOPLE all over the world. Earth is tiny. do you think fascism would thrive on Jupiter? only Buddhism is BIG enough to encompass the universe.

Dalai Lama: you're the most famous Buddhist in the world and i hate that.

me: thanks for this arrangement.

Jen: anytime. that's what friends are for.

me: it's the stupidest thing, those lost episodes of classic '70s and '80s shows that are not on the online lists, i had to send away for the box set.........of DVDs. it wasn't until three days later that i realized: i have no way to play DVDs at my house!!!

Jen: yeah i used to have one of those computers with the thing on the side you slip the DVD in. and my TV used to play DVDs until we got a Roku for some reason. but i do still have a Dell computer with a broken tray...

me: so i can go to your house anytime to watch these obscure episodes?

Jen: i guess. *sigh* why did i have to date a completionist?

Denise Miller: look at my butt. i mean really look at my BUTT. are you watching the episode where i lose my virginity at the prom? that was a Fish episode, right?...