DOMESTIC BLISS: QUORUM

 

Jen and i make it at the last minute to the PG&E community meeting, the door was about to close on our faces. inside the skinny hall above the only table is a giant sign which reads:

DID PG&E RUIN CHRISTMAS?

PG&E: it wasn't our fault there was an atmospheric river on Christmas Day. 

Santa: a power outage ON Christmas Day?!!! come on, dude.

PG&E: despite what you read in the news, we don't control the weather.

Santa: i've seen their switch at the North Pole!!!

PG&E: we did all the necessary prep. we cut the heads off all the trees.

Jen R: bit drastic don't you think? those poor trees. and besides you didn't touch any of the Christmas trees on the lot so what was the point of harming nature like that?

PG&E: btw, turning all the lights off in your house won't prevent a power outage. waste of time.

Jen: and energy. more later.

PG&E: i'm counting heads. and this meeting didn't officially happen...

me: i just found out air fryers don't actually fry the food.

Jen: so no donuts?

me: this has left me SHATTERED. 

Jen: relax. without taking a muscle relaxant.

me taking Motrin: i am DEVASTATED by this news.

Jen: you hear that song in the background? it's coming from the 8-track in my backpack.

me: that backpack is a dangerous weapon here. the power of music.

Jen: it's Foreigner "Waiting for a Girl like You."

me: shouldn't it be "waiting ON a girl like you"?

Jenny Baranick: only if you're some kind of man.

Jen R: this was the first Vaporwave song...

Bowen Yang: the middle, i hear it...

Lifetime Soul movies: you're never too old to find love.........maybe too old to have sex and have kids. but never too old to find love...

Christine Bullock: imagine Miley Cyrus as a grown-up lady...

Popeye: i want a veggie wrap all over my body to remove my toxins.

Olive Oyl: Popeye is such a rad name. if you had been called Squinty that would have sucked.

Popeye: i wanna be naked inside spinach.

AI: call me Data Claus...

Shelley Duvall: hello, i'm Shelley Duvall. and i'm a Jacksonville Jaguars fan...

Trevor Lawrence: look at my hair. now imagine me on Faerie Tale Theatre as a Medieval pageboy...

Shelley: and it's queer because your name is more like a knight or king.

new pope: the Seattle Seahawks are gonna win the Super Bowl...

Pope Bob: why is there this new pope/Seahawks connection?

Kurt Cobain: all the flying fish...

Noah Wyle: see i wanted to keep doing ER but nobody else wanted to...

Round Table: are you willing to pay $50 for a pizza?

Burger King: we can still have snow and rolling hills and green fir trees on our bags and cups, it's January but it's still winter...

tankard: in a tavern.

Richard Dawson: i kissed THE MOUTHS of all the contestants. we lived in an open society back then, loving and free and exchanging. nowadays everybody keeps their mouths closed because of covid. it's a closed society, suspicious and wary and mean.

Coke: that little bit at the bottom of the McDonald's cup is just the melted ice...

The Gay Shoe Clerk: he was happy after that...

i take a deep breath for the first time and get up on that community stage.

me: see you never talk about wanting to die when you're sick. physically sick. when you're physically sick all you want to do is get better. you want the headaches to go away. you want that stomach bug to fly off out of your body. fly, flu!!! you only talk about wanting to die when you're HEALTHY. physically healthy at least.

PG&E drags me out of the room by my heels.

Jen R: but he's right. yes i'll be his legal guardian for the day. which room is he in?