MACY'S IN THE '80s: REDKEN ERRAND

 

Jen R: so i need to get some Redken for my hair. it's the '80s and we're going to the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

me: are you sure i'm not dreaming?

Jen: yes.

me: yes what?

Jen: you're not dreaming.

me: it's just this is what i imagine the perfect day for me would be. this is me in Heaven.

Jen: tagging along with me to do a boring errand?

me: exactly. 

we open the heavy Macy's doors to the expansive perfumed amphitheater inside. Videl is the makeup girl behind the glass cubes.

Jen: i haven't see this flavor of Redken shampoo before.

Videl: this is my own brand. 

Jen: a woman selling her OWN shampoo not part of a company? in the '80s? unheard of!!!

Videl: Videl's Magic Hair, it turns your short haircut back long when your boyfriend dumps you.

Jen: i knew Gohan was a jerk!!! wanna talk about it?

Videl: NO!!! 

Jen: is Satan a good listener?

Videl: yes.

Bjork: are you in pain? Icelandic mussels won't help. only my music will help. i'm a skinny sprite.

White Palace.

James Spader: they got the order wrong. i hate when they get the order wrong. they put cheese in the burgers. who eats cheese on burgers?

Susan Sarandon: i got my revenge for not being in Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore...

Kal Penn: where have i been? no one knows. when i was working for Obama i had no IDEA the world would end up like THIS. White Castle sliders are concentrated salt pucks. you forgot that i killed myself on House...

James: for the record, thirtysomething is a boring show...

Gina Gershon: so Stephanie Deluc ends up being a better match for Max despite the smugness. they only argue over mustard on burgers. i'm not bitter...

Susan: yuppies are in St. Louis?...

Nora: Mr. Sterile here is reporting a robbery.

Jen R: that's what people in the '90s did: work at some greasy spoon till 5 in the afternoon, go to a bar till midnight, one-night stand, call their mother on Sunday.

Nora: look at that face!!! has anybody ever told you you look like Jason from Friday the 13th?

Max: the TV show?

Nora: you have that LEAN muscle like those Hungarian swimmers with the bubblegum arms.

God: most people react to death by laughing...

Nora: oooh, so chivalrous how you buckle me up, fasten my seatbelt over my big tits, so BDSM.

Max: no smoking in the car, see that New Car Smell air-freshener tree dangling from my rearview mirror? let it do its work.

Madame Pons: now that's a WOMAN's bathroom: mint-chocolate-chip tub, 10 upright vibrators, 10 vibrator-shaped bottles of shampoo, and an Egyptian cat statue.

Jen R: i've never vomited while i was smoking a cigarette...

Max: wait, my soulmate never gave me fellatio...

Nora: that was passionate sex? that was painful sex.

Pope Leo: dude, don't smell her vibrator, that's creepy.

Jen R: that answering-machine message was so WARM, so BEAUTIFUL!!! oh. that's how dating was in the '90s, you had to lay out your feelings on a phone message, it was so simple, so tender. 

dad: a woman who likes Schumann? snatch her before it's too late!!!

Father Navin: like having dirty thoughts at church. mine tend to involve chocolate.

Nora: did you know the Greeks invented the vacuum cleaner? i'm a 40-year-old woman, i'm old enough to remember when Ring Dings were wrapped in FOIL. so they didn't need a coaster. my place isn't dirty, it's kitschy. i am not a fan of RL Stine.

Jen R: i want to get my hair right for the new guy.

me: you have a new man?

Jen: of course, it's me. i do the same things with him we used to do together. you know like settling into bed over the text-phone at 7 PM for me, 4 PM for you. watching a little vintage SNL, Portlandia, and Emergency!. talking about cereal. how i'm not allowed to buy cereal.

me: what's your obsession with that Emergency! show?

Jen: i trust TV over RFK Jr. when it comes to home remedies.

me: i hope you know what you said about the other man really REALLY hurt me. i recognize you're an EXTRAORDINARY woman who will have many many many lovers. i only ask to be one of them. i can only hope to SHARE you. if you have 7 men, let me be 1 of 7.

Jen: like that Jeri Ryan Star Trek character?

Larry serenades his grocery customers at his Safeway checkout conveyor belt, he sings Warren G's "Regulate."

Larry: see my gat exploded. but then i went back into freak mode and my dick exploded. now watch this, listen to this, i'm gonna sing Eastside Motel with that Nate Dogg RESONANT HARMONY...

Charles Nelson Reilly: i only wear socks when i'm going to the bathroom.

Jacques Pepin: every word i say sounds like "massage."

Tai: ...

Tai: remember, i'm a Level 2 Reiki healer so i take no guff, my words are magic, my touch moves mountains.

LSDream: LSD dream: laser dream

Hayao Miyazaki: okay so i kinda BORROWED Falkor. except my Falkor is a dragon...

Marilyn Monroe: why didn't i end up a '50s happy housewife?...

Greykid: chartreuse eyes...

Jeff Baena and Nicky Katt: we were supposed to be Pillars of Light...

vibratory: not involving a vibrator...

Savannah Bananas baseball: if baseball was WWF wrestling.

Club World Cup: the type of specific soccer tournament someone like Serano would watch...

Jeff Bezos/Lauren Sanchez wedding: the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in real life...

Cafe Coffee: really, Kiss Me Kate? Cafe Coffee? ANYTHING ELSE would have been more creative. Beanpot. Beanpot for the coffee shoppe.

Kiss Me Kate: British Seinfeld with a female Jerry...

fortnight: only happened at a tavern in Shakespearean times...

Brad Pitt: F1 in the future will have no pit stops, all four tires will be changed DURING the race...

the last day on Earth: China and the U.S. trading bunker-buster bombs in the sky as woolly mammoths roam the land below...

Fareed Zakaria: i lead a charmed life. i go from one Ideas Festival to another in ski boots.

Data: you may experience the emptiness with me if you wish.

Geordi La Forge: you just obliterated your philosophical argument, my robot friend.

Data: i'm an android, not a cyborg. 

Geordi: i used to have a jheri curl...

Tijuana: where you go for Bible study...

hobbits: the Bilbo baked potato is good. with Shire chives.

King Charles: i'm a compassionate king, Trump's a wannabe king.

Main Street Electric Parade: your first jolt of Disney magic.

Kurt Cobain: i saw Darryl Strawberry at the same Rome rehab center i was in a week before. 

Darryl Strawberry: dirty urine samples are so '90s. 

Bob Forrest: i was there, too. as Darryl's counselor. 

Kurt: you're a drug counselor? i thought you were in a band...

Bob Forrest: Darryl and i had a breakthrough when Darryl admitted to me he watched the movie D.A.R.Y.L. against his mother's wishes.

Advil: we made the U.S. Men's Soccer Team good...

Topanga: why you savaging Boy Meets World on Yahoo?...

college: you really DON'T have the month of June off...

Nobodyman: nothing dumber than hanging up on a woman.

Jen R: right? especially if it's a rotary phone.

Jen R: well i gotta try out my new shampoo don't i?

me: where?

Jen: when in doubt, go down the Macy's escalator.

we descend to the 3rd Floor. Jen casually takes her clothes off.

me: wait, i've always wanted to say this to a woman: take yer kit off...

Jen saunters big-toe-first into one of the massive light-blue walkaround showers.

Jen: it's fun doing a walkabout in here.

me: how are you so casual being naked in public?

Jen: i'm not. have you taken a look around? nobody is here. nobody is EVER on the Basement Floor of a Macy's at 3 PM...