PODCAST OUTTA NOWHERE: CANADIAN D&D

 

Melissa: Critical Role, amirite? in order to get close to Laura Bailey i have to do this Dungeons & Dragons shit? is voice acting gonna turn out to be harder than acting? i avoided Dungeons & Dragons LIKE THE PLAGUE in high school because i needed to go to the prom to be somebody. prom date=future.

Chad: as in The Plague of Dungeons & Dragons times?...

me: shall we discuss that movie with the lawyer thumping furiously the woman he's helping with her divorce case? 

Chad: that's not from a Grisham book, that's your porn collection.

Melissa: they say divorcee sex is spicy. i'm trying to be a cool mom for my daughter but these TikTok memes are giving me IBS. Sardine Girl? but i don't like pizza. who does? 

Chad: we're just another sad cynical cyclical broken home but our daughter is gonna save us with her wholesome, she just fambushed us at the D&D table!!!

Vampire Hunter D (1985): that '80s Castlevania anime we keep hearing about...

Instagram: if you don't have friends on here, it's a mess...

white bus: scary.

Vin Diesel: see i'm like that, i like the desert. i can shine the sun on my bald head away so Death Valley becomes Iceland.

Bobby Jones: sure my half-bellbottoms were cool but i played golf wearing a tie...

2025: can we go back to the optimism of the Renaissance?...

escape room artist: i both painted the escape room like the Mona Lisa and escaped the room...

Santa: Christmas is not my birthday...

Melissa: but why did you want to be with me?

me: Canada. yeah. it was mostly the Canada thing. i really need a nice stable county to go to to live out the rest of my days when the United States goes under. 

Jaleel White: wait the audience on Flip Side have to sit in individual dining-table chairs? come on, man, get bleachers.

Miller on Flip Side wearing a maroon down fleece soft sweater: i'm the gay Asian Seinfeld.

Jacques Pepin: the tenderest way to spend a sunny summer evening.

Claudine: meat tenderizer. i have thyme for one more.

Jess Pegula: i don't play tennis, soup-straining is my exercise.

Hans Zimmer: i'm classical music.

Vampire Hunter D (1985).

D: no i'm not Dracula's son. i am Balki from Perfect Strangers. 

Ralph Waldo Emerson: have a noble temper like a vampire...

Lister: yeah my electric toothbrush is Kochanski's vibrator. i'm not proud of that. i use the Rimmer trimmer on me dreads...

Dr. J: the best part of the NBA Finals? the champagne.

Tulsi Gabbard: i went ring-chasing like LeBron. there was no way i was gonna get any position of power in a Democrat administration...

me: i started a Nine Inch Nails Therapy club at my school Berkeley.

Trent Reznor: that smart college Berkeley? the problem was no one came.

me: yeah. they all decided they would rather suffer in silence than talk to me. 

Trent: turned into None Inch Nails.

Chad: i'm tired and bored at the same time, how is that possible?...

Chad: i'm going places.........now...

Rafael Nadal: i'm now a marquis. but i'm taking it a step further, i'm gonna be a Marquis In Spades. did you know the largest Smashing Pumpkins fanbase is college-aged women from Spain?

Billy Corgan: take a look at my wife...

Richard Williams: 78 pages. it wouldn't have worked if it was 80 pages...

at the Arsenio Hall Show.

Arsenio Hall, after a devilish-grin pause: say it. i mean you're Pee-wee Herman, how bad can it be?

Pee-wee Herman: the worst word i know? fuck. weren't the '90s the best? the '90s were so warm and fuzzy and inviting and innocent. 

Arsenio: purple walls everywhere.

audience: *pleasantly cajoling*

Luther Vandross: wait!!! don't go to commercial!!! i want to learn the worst word, too. like cutting a banana with a butter knife.

Jerry Garcia: i should have been the police commissioner on the '60s Adam West Batman, that would have been so symbolic.

Match Game '74: remember, it's always quicksand.

Dee Davenport: why are you jealous of me, Brett?

Brett Somers: well because, dear, you're a beautiful woman. i am not. i have to resort to wearing this Club Med wig. you have natural Betty Boop hair. you're a FULL woman. you have real crooked '70s teeth, men appreciate that sort of thing. 

Dee: fantastic.

Brett: i could never get away with wearing a sailor suit like you're wearing now, i was kicked out of the Navy for snooping. the other end.........of the party phone. pretend i never admitted i was a Republican. i HATED Last Tango in Paris when i saw it at that theater behind the Van Nuys Bowling Alley. it's Marlon Brando's finest performance but only after 50 years have passed...

Chad: that was some good Catullus i recited just then. inspirational Ancient Roman poetry to help get us through our day.

me: it's time to brother.

i put my arms around Chad's shoulders and we start singing in unison UB40's "Red Red Wine" loudly and off-key into the pod mic.

Melissa: stop it!!! omg i HATE that song now!!! everytime i hear that song i have to put on my heavy winter coat with the fur hood. i used to love it, i used to think it was cool to get into bars to drink, UB40 was code for Pub 40-and-older. i wanted to be a 40-year-old woman when i was 15. as you know, if you don't drink, you won't have a future. and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why i'm obsessed with wine today. why i used the water from my backyard pool to grow my backyard vineyard. wine is my meds. if you sing that proto white-Jamaican reggae song nowadays, you are NOT getting that prom date...