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Pope Bob guides Less to Tai's massage parlor deep in the bowels of the Vatican.
Pope Bob: she'll fix you up real good. give you a good CRINK. i saw stars my first time, the Bible has no stars...
Tai: WELCOME to the bodyshop!!! one more body and i officially become an osteopath!!! how may i help you?
Less: i think you already have.
Less: what type of bodywork do you do here? my back hurts so much i can't drive, which is a nice excuse.
Tai: it's been rough since the advent of the internet. people take one look at me and think the eyebrator is a vibrator!!! and don't get me started on the breathing coach, the breathing coach is a human being, the breathing coach is ME in spandex!!! the breathing coach isn't a fob at the end of a keychain that looks like a reject WALL-E Pokemon robot.
Pope Bob: i mean it's like an oval mousepad mouse, i use it to feel what it's like to be a woman...
Tai: this is au naturel, no shots to your back.
Pope Bob: Luigi-style.
Tai: no mob violence on the streets of the Vatican. come on, the Vatican is better than that, man, let's all be Vatican-Italian!!!
Less: i'm scared of needles.
Tai: no needles in your back, either. just the dew off my fingers.
Jonathan Joss: the irony is not the propane. the irony is John Redcorn's "virility." oh the path of the Native American life, forever a trail of tears...
Suzy Lu: go on, Gohan.
milk: no more back pain...
the world is not meant for artists, yet artists are the only ones who tell the truth about the world.
Lucio Rossi: why did everyone on Instagram go to Italy for their summer vacation this year?...
regular: why is regular always cherry?...
Suzy Lu: i don't get paid the big bucks because i'm hot, i get paid the big bucks because i'm an empath...
Tai: in order for the muscles in your back to release their natural linseed soil, you gotta eat a pound of bacon.
Less: gotcha. but i thought there would be no secretions. as you can tell from looking at my face i'm a voracious reader of Vanity Fair Magazine.
Tai: that's the only magazine we have down here in the waiting room.
Less: according to Kevin Bacon, why is "like" used in conversation? as in "I was, like," what does that even mean? it's noncommittal.
Kevin Bacon: i will never play a Valley Boy in Bill & Ted 4. i fear food in the sink drain more than losing Kyra. i hate to take decades of partnership and distill it into a soundbite.
Tai: you're giving me business.
Kevin Bacon: am i even Catholic?
Tai: a massage can't save a marriage...
Tai: tell me your dreams, that helps relax the pain away...
Less: i'm at my private computer desk at home. i think. two blokes on either side of me start pushing me as if i were a button. turns out i'm at a public arcade.
Frank DiLeo: but imagine a private arcade...
Less: i'm trying to tell these men they're being incourteous but they talk like Liam Gallagher.
Tai falls asleep under the massage table.
Joe Biden: i mean maybe if i had been Joe Budden. you know? i don't know.
Dr. Nancy Alvarez: i'm not coming back to Desiguales, they don't respect my academic pedigree, my PhD in psychiatry and child-rearing. that show is stupid fluff, the ladies are hopeless cases, i can't help them. i'm a respected scholar at the University of Miami, i'm in journals, not tabloids. i don't give a fuck about your tits. i'm using this summer to quietly escape...
Suzy Lu: let's digest this Cell episode...
Lister: i may be a total bum, but my Link patch on my motorcycle jacket is rad. it's from the CD-ROM game...
Oasis singing about Disneyland lines: all these fucking people, let's go, you know what i mean.........yeah, yeah...
Liam Gallagher: imagine Christian Bale with a thick unintelligible sauced Mancunian accent...
Pat McAfee: i'm ESPN's Daytime TV.
Charles Barkley: you're the Tamron Hall Show of ESPN.
Soundbite: Transformer who's a Broadway critic.
157th Belmont Stakes: two-horse race, the winning horse gets bragging rights!!!...
Saber racquet: imagine a wood racquet graphite...
Carlitos El Productor: i'm the announcer doing the unhinged "Hoy en El Gordo y La Flaca" intro that starts each show. crazy bot NOT drunk. OF COURSE i'm smiling in my mug shot!!!
Tanya Charry: i do all my reports from the balcony of my apartment in Los Angeles.........i work from home...
Uncle Fester: it's not the NBA Finals until you're eating one Dorito while watching Game 1. i lost weight with Wegovy, i got skinny, i got taller like a basketball player, i put on glasses. and i finally finished that Nosferatu essay at Berkeley. while at Berkeley i wrote the song "Disarm" on Lead Belly's guitar at a European-style koffee klatch...
Elon Musk: isn't it nice to have me back on your side?...
Hell: being alone.
Pontius Pilate enters the parlor.
Pontius Pilate: one trigger-point massage please.
Tai: that's dangerous for you. YOU singlehandedly made the world unlivable.
Pontius: i didn't mean to, i was just doing my job, it was just another day at work. filing folders at work, processing people, somebody has to do it. don't blame me for Sin, i'm middle management.
Tai: yeah well now it's time for the healing process.
Pontius: what can i do to make the world a better place after what i did?
Tai: DON'T invent Pilates.
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