PODCAST OUTTA NOWHERE: STICK TO FETTUCCINE

 

Chad: foodie booty.

me: alright, the eternal conundrum of fettuccine.

Chad: right? how do you prevent the fettuccine from sticking to the bottom of the fucking pot? that is a MOTHRFUCKER to scrape off, i scrape off all that fettuccine sanded in there like a fossil and my fingernails bleed for days.

Melissa: easy, don't put the dry fettuccine in the pot until the water is BOILING. i mean a ROILING boil!!! 

Chad: the REAL question is who is my next woman?

me: oh that sends the imagination FLYING.

Melissa: easy, guys, it's obviously going to be Jessie Camp's sister. remember, the two things you need for a strong marriage are: laundry and memes.

Serbia: we love our cartoons.

Vampire Hunter D (1985): it was all over beef jerky!!! i went to Yale to become an anime voice actress?...

better title for the Red Dwarf episode "Timewave": "Tolerance."

Scarface (1932).

Cesca: how DARE you wave the Tommy DeVito hand gesture in my face, Tony!!! Da Bears, remember? 

Tony: hey yous got any of that drugstore bubblegum? lucky for me the phone will ring and the RIGHT person will answer it, that's how ballrooms were in the '30s.

Mabel: i ain't no stool pigeon, but my house parrots are.

flapper moll: you'll be sorry when i'm in love with Mr. Miyagi. where are the dancing girls? dancing girl is a noble profession. 

Lovo: what are you whistling ominously, Tony?

Tony: Country Bear Jamboree, Disneyland.

Lovo: it wasn't me, Tony!!! honest!! it was Poppy!!! it was Poppy, Tony!!!

Tony: man, you are REAL sore about being dumped.

Cesca: i have adult ideas. like this paper doll chain i made in Arts 'n Crafts using real glue that came from the horse that won the Derby.

Little Boy: i'll only date Tony's sister if she listens to PM Dawn.

Cesca: damn, my own mother ratted me out!!! i just wanted to sing and play piano on a Lucy episode while smoking a tree of cigarettes as i kiss a very young Bob Hope...

Hugh Hefner: take the gun, not the coin.

male secretary: why are doors so thin? at least the phone works now...

Poppy: Tony, say something!!!

me: Jen, say something!!!

Cesca: sorry, Tony, i told the cops about your secret stairs, i was still mad at you for ruining my life by shooting my soulmate like he was nothing. next time, Tony, monologue AFTER you put up the bulletproof windows. i'm going to be with Guino. i called him Guido for the longest before he corrected me. don't be a baby, Tony, that's just baby powder.

Tony: hey copper, got any steel shutters?

police detective: sure. Chicago is known for its hurricanes.

Tony: i'm all alone now. i still got my ma but she don't count. 

The Three Stooges: why did we talk like gangsters?...

three at Trader Joe's.

Pam Hiltunen: where are your tiki mugs?...

Kombucha Rap Guy: where is your natural food? don't lie to me, man!!! i saw Richard Dawson taking some out of the store with him!!!

Richard Dawson: just taking some British pizza back with me to the house on Coldwater Canyon.

Charles Nelson Reilly: what has four legs and a tail? me finally making peace with Richard Dawson.

me: have you heard of the rickey cocktail?

Melissa: sure, Oakland A's, i'm using rickeys for my Gatsby Party tonight.

Chad: Cherry Lime Rickey? in those fat tall-ass graffiti'd Arizona Tea cans?

Melissa: Chad, this why i filed.

Lamar Jackson: yes, my mom's name is Felicia...

Pardon The Interruption: we're naked now...

Jaleel White: "send a nude pic" was the #1 answer?!!! not "to say I love you first"? okay bye i'm done with this world...

cats at Costco: Maintenance Cat? no IAMS? come on.

Taylor Fritz: yeah but my tiebreak record is 7-11 so it's lucky.

Taylor Fritz: if you're wearing a Chipotle shirt, you're living life.

Karen Gillan: i would very much like to do a rom-com next, the Marvel incel stuff is REALLY getting old. rom-com, just putting that out there in the universe.........wink wink...

Emma Raducanu: do i fuck Carlos Alcaraz, the next Nadal, or Jack Draper, the next Federer?

judge: i rule.

lawyer: *eyeroll*

Florida Panthers: we made a deal with the New Jersey Devil.

Edmonton Oilers: you guys were more slippery than us NOT on the ice!!!

Professor Tomoe: i'm a stud. i'm Sailor Moon S beefcake!!! i'm the sexy-man villain.

Richard Gere: i simply must play you in the live-action!!! 

Tyrese Haliburton: somehow the Pacers will win Game 6 without me, then i'll hit the Finals-winning shot on the road falling back on my gimp leg Willis Reed-style...

Tim Burton: do we know each other?

Jack Tripper: the first episode of Season 2 of Three's A Crowd would have been about temaki...

Match Game '74: fun school.

Melissa: taste takes time.

me: some topics for tomorrow's podcast: what exactly is someone's "legacy"? why do the new Cheetos potato chips taste so RUSTIC? what does 100% health look like? why does Eva Longoria require shade to be beautiful?

Melissa: Maple Coke was my idea.

Chad: yeah but just as Quebec was about to clinch the World Series, the strike...