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Bandon hurries along before anyone can spot her. she always has two GIANT bags in her hand, and WALKS at 50 mph. her head juts out like a turtle as she walks all around the Safeway parking lot.
Bandon: really KILLER on my back to walk this way. my back is a jagged lightning fork.
me: why do you do this, man?
Bandon: HEY fellow bum!!!
Jen R: one word: Hempvana. what's in the bag? bags? you know what, doesn't matter, the bags themselves are the glory items. Nintendo Store and Cracker Barrel which will soon be owned by UPN, most excellent.
across the street from us is The Barnyard and Tai's massage parlor of course.
Luke Russert: is news a thing anymore in this world?
Tai: oh my GODDESS!!! i thought you were dead, dude. where the FUCK have you been?
Luke: no idea. but i like the taste of leaves now.
Tai: massage for old times' sake?
Luke: be where your feet are.
Tai: pertinent advice for the world now. said by Buddha when he was a woman. that doesn't mean you can cum on my bare feet.
Luke: about Buddha's pedi, a pedicure he got in his pedicab human-powered by his own grandmother who got a bad back. but isn't this Nuru massage?
Tai: yes but i'm actually following the ancient tradition, it has nothing to do with a happy ending. it's SLIPPERY as in we wrap our naked bodies in one roll of nori seaweed. no sex, just therapy.
monk: do you know why i'm happy? i have my personal space...
Bill & Ted Face the Music.
Ben 10: be excellent to each other.
Orion Pictures: we're still around?
Kurt Cobain: was the Nevermind cassette tape ever slapped with a 99-cents sticker?
Jen R: Pee-wee Herman was my dad but he was Andy Kaufman's daddy...
song that unites the world: the meaning of meaning. it's Buddhist jazz.
Trump: i didn't unite the world, but 2-dollar T.A.C.O. night did.
Neo: only Neo can defeat me.
dressing like A Clockwork Orange: wealth.
Ted and Neo: whoa.
porn star: what are Bill & Ted doing in my mansion?...
Ling Lun: i invented music.
Grom: my niece is gonna drum for Lenny Kravitz.
2001: A Space Odyssey nursing home: give yourself a hug. can you kiss yourself? ever since Billy Idol rockers like applesauce.
white robot: prediction: i'm Bill & Ted's robot form, right?...
British wives in couples therapy: maybe you'd be happier with Valley Girls. you are after all the ultimate Valley Boys.
Bill & Ted: we slept overnight on the roof of the Sherman Oaks Galleria...
Bandon comes into the little store by the gas station with the bell tinker.
Bandon to the counter: my whole life i've wanted to die.
counter: see anything you like this evening, Bandon?
Bandon: my bed is those silver hot-dog rollers. secret massage. secret back massage. keep them cold for me, Rene Smith.
counter: my name is Terry Terwilliger.
Bandon: out of bacon again?
counter: just grill some salami, same thing.
Jen R: grill those thin salami circles outdoors.
Aubrey Plaza comes in with a sullen look screwed to her pretty face.
Aubrey Plaza: now that i'm actually gonna be depressed FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, not for show for the TV cameras, i need malt-vinegar chips. give me all those little packets of Cape Cod malt-vinegar kettle potato chips you keep here in the store, that's all i'll eat now.
Bandon: you can't blame yourself.
Jen: so many of my friends have gone that way.
Aubrey: it's just.........it lasts a LONG time. you can't take the decision back. do another decision, do another path. maybe if we did indie films about Christian witches instead. maybe if i slipped in there that the breakup was a joke as i continued talking to him post-breakup.
Baena: hey, you're kinda cute. one date? please? how do you achieve such a great tan? i thought tans were a thing of the '80s, people still get tans?
Aubrey: well i happen to be the sunscreen queen of Delaware.........damn you.
gym: nobody is ever exercising at 4 PM...
elders: wisdom. like teeth. easy.
platinum ginger from Ohio: our first date was a barcade.
Swee'Pea as a man: we played that arcade game Tapper.
platinum ginger: i kicked your ass. no tap-her for you until you learn to beat me in games.
Swee'Pea as a man: that won't happen until this baby turns 100.
Jack Draper: the British Isner...
Lister: i'm only humming i mean i'm only human.
Sesame Street galactic pinball song: 123456789-10-11-12, we don't count to 13 because that would be unlucky...
Rimmer: imagine if after 50 years of Lister whinging over Kochanski, she ends up with me...
Chloe Annett: why aren't i in Fiji right now?...
Suzy Lu: apparently i DO have tits!!!
Finn the dog: the three Finn legends: Huckleberry, the guy from Adventure Time, and me.
Tom Brokaw: when i was a young man i looked like Tucker Carlson. that scared the FUCK out of me so i fucking RAN to NBC News.
Novak: Done With Djokovic, i keep seeing these signs everywhere around the grassy grounds at Wimbledon.
Bublik: those aren't tattoo sleeves on my arms, Putin spilled crypto oil on my arms, Fuck Putin.
Emma Raducanu: i'm a jock.
Sunny Hostin: my favorite Death Note character was L, he was so cute in a creepy way. the eyes, right?
Debbie Matenopoulos: sorry about that, my walnuts always get me in trouble.
Disney: we don't do a lot right, but we have the best nurses.
Jillian Clare: i wish i had Carrie Coon's career...
Instagram: have you noticed your smart friends you knew in the '80s, their brains in 2025 have turned to mush?...
Dressrosa: the Birdcage is turning into.........string cheese...
Lister: be sure the cigarette is lit on the OTHER side when you stick it in your ear.
Kochanski: that makes for some kinky sex.
me: would perseverance work?
Jen R: ask me in five years.
NBA Finals: what's more interesting, Game 7 or WWIII?
life hack: hike.
Phil Frame: i'm gay, but i'll marry a woman before you do.
me: ...
me: there's no place to thank you on Instagram. this man gave me HOPE as i watched infomercials at 2 AM on a Sunday morning. that i could still take money from the government to be somebody.
Matthew Lesko: look at me. look at my face. look at my face before you look at my wizard zoot suit. my wacky hair has grayed. surely you can tell I am not AI...
McRib: shouldn't i be a summer sandwich? you know? summer barbecue?...
Lazarus: we like everyone else so wanted Hillary Clinton to win...
Xena Warrior Princess: every actor gets in the business so they can do a fun whimsical sunny detective series like My Life Is Murder...
TOM of Toonami aboard the Absolution: this is all you get now if you're missing Red Dwarf the ship...
we follow Bandon around the parking lot.
me: i'm uncomfortable spying without my Billie Jean binoculars.
Jen: the woman has eyes in the back of her head!!! she walks speedily carrying two bags for boulders like a chicken with her head cut off!!! the zigzag pattern is fascinating.
she walks all the way to the glaringly white sidewalk strip of the Starbucks outside table in the center of the parking lot.
Bandon: HEY fellow writer!!!
me: oh yeah, now i'm piecing two and two together, you're the lady who writes her novel every 10 AM at the Starbucks side smoking a Belmondo and drinking a foamy French-accano. always working on that book taking out two sheafs of paper with writing on them from that one bag with 100 blank sheafs of paper.
Jen: i didn't recognize you with your jogging pants on. your other bag is a typewriter.
me: what's your book about?
Bandon: you.
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