CHICORY COFFEE: FLOUNDER POWDER

 

Lindy Lenz: wanna come over? i'm naked.

altarboy: but are you wearing socks?

Pope Bob is running around the plaza in Rome like a bat out of hell.

Pope Bob: hey kid, can i get a ride?

Less can't believe the holy man is looking him straight in the jaw.

Less, redfaced: i'm like that Vatican taxicab-driver with the black longform taxi. don't you have the Popemobile?

Pope Bob: it's in the shop, long story. my garage is that Madonna one, both meanings. i am SICK of walking around everywhere, even in my arch supports. my back is doing fine. my back magically healed, i have no idea how, i don't want to jinx it by talking about it.

Less: the power of prayer?

Pope Bob: what's that? 

Pope Bob: like Madonna the paparazzi hounds me wherever i go, i can't get a moment to myself to breathe in the fetid Roman air, drink a beer, and go to a Sox game with my 4th Grade friends. they weren't ALL the schoolyard bully, okay? being a Christian celebrity SUCKS. i need to start living life incognito, The Prince and the Pauper-style. can you help a brother out?

Less: as your Uber driver i must apologize upfront for any salty white fluids you may have found stuck to your backseat which have since hardened and crusted over. i regret to inform you those were probably from old parishioners.

Melissa Maker listening to bad techno in the back: *raises eyebrow*

Melissa Maker: bro got any Daft Punk?

Less: just from the new album, sorry. 

Pope Bob: hey i found my old TV GUIDE Blanket in the back here!!! now THAT is a miracle!!! i've been searching for this thing since forever, back when they used real grapes in the church wine. the altarboys hate me because only i can have a TV in my room. i'll just wrap myself in this blanket and the photogs will be none the wiser. thanks, man!!!

Paula Cole: fine, i borrowed a little of the Annie Lennox "Walking on Broken Glass" music video for my "I Don't Want to Wait" music video...

Hugh Laurie and John Malkovich: why are we the only two men who look good in powdered wigs?

Mind Game.

Hayao Miyazaki: let me guess, this is about how the animator couldn't get the girl...

Brother Peewit: the moral of this movie: don't be a monk, you'll stop growing...

Chad: when this movie was in your Instagram Stories, i was still with Melissa...

Jen R: everything starts with a phone call.

Rolex (not a fag watch) in pizza box, Gizmo-from-Gremlins suitcase.

Anderson Cooper in NYC: i fucking hate that ball drop each New Year. i hate that whole fucking scene in Times Square, it's so depressing.

Ralph Bakshi: look for my cartoony face in Rotoscope like in that Anthony Bourdain manga...

me: always sucks when you declare your love and the girl just thinks you're joking.

promo girl: the female announcer on Around the Horn...

Jen: always awkward introducing your fiance to your soulmate.

Japan: we got the BIG bottles of beer.

Fuerza: God is a goldfish-head smoking a cigarette.........but only to cats...

God: wanna see my tits?

Jen: thank god God is a woman.

Nishi: you're a creep, God.

God: i've never been called a creep before, which means i'm losing my touch. i am genuinely offended this time. look, there's no afterlife but you CAN reincarnate back into a manga artist who can only draw Shin Chan for eternity.

Myon: the GIRL in an anime has a bloody nose?!!!...

mobsters: we're using DoorDash maps.

Nishi: my fear is FDR-shaped.

Gramps: once you take a bath in a stranger's house, you fear nothing in life.

Nishi: Japan is not into conveyor belts, Laverne & Shirley is our lowest-rated import.

Gramps: please, make a dying old man's wish come true and tell me we have the Jetsons world in the future...

campus life: it's only glorious if you're not mentally-ill...

me: you're my most cherished friend in the whole wide world.

Jules Smith: whole wide world, that is so 1970s Shel Silverstein.

Susan Sarandon: wait so this whole time i was just the Female James Spader?!!!

Oisin with the non-monk shaved head: i'm Chad and Melissa's unknown adult son who goes to college...

Oisin: i was named after Orson the Garfield pig.

Dinosaur Jr.: get it? dinosaur and junior sound alike...

Red Dwarf: we're the only science-fiction sitcom...

Craig Charles at Priory: i can't imagine why i would have had drug problems. i mean Red Dwarf was a very stable show. the only thing i can imagine is i ate a bad egg at that Coronation Street cobblestone corner diner...

Red Dwarf: Back to Earth: props for reviving the typewriter. also known as Red Dwarf IX. this is so Inception. OF COURSE you stay with Kochanski even if Kochanski isn't real!!!

James Spader: James Spader and Susan Sarandon, now THAT's a combustible couple...

Zoe Hunt: it's not fair i'm this pretty.

me: when i was talking to you on the phone i zoned out.

Jen R: where are you now?

me: i will never push through like that again...

Jen: omg i just realized, your old-phone number has 227 in it!!!

Philip Seymour Hoffman on a Vaseline bender: only cool Philips have one L.

Philip K. Dick on a crying bender: this.

Premier League Lacrosse: that's just cruel...

Procter & Gamble: our headquarters are good for your head. our logo isn't Satanic, it's just that Cantinflas-looking guy with the goatee you see all the time in Hayward, you know, he looks like a goat, he's a Queenryche Mexican.

Asplundh: why is everything shadowy government organizations now? Sweden isn't shadowy. trees need sunlight...

Craig Charles driving a Jensen Interceptor: there is nothing stranger than filming a sitcom with no laughter...

girl on bus: Lister is a slob but he's also brave. 

Craig Charles: so you relate to being those two specific things?

boy on bus: Lister IS a hero.

girl on bus: i want to be Lister when i grow up...

Instagram: don't hide when times get tough...

Instagram: okay, that was your try for the day...

Charles Barkley on the TNT set: ESPN is the greatest sports network in the world...

Instagram: if you have time for breakfast you have time for one DM...

bad breakfast: or one BM.

dementia: it's worse than cancer.

it's not summer until that first chicken burrito at Chipotle...

Pope Bob: turn this cab around, tuck in around the corner with no cameras, i wanna make a pitstop.

Less: is the Pope's pee like holy water? asking for a friend. i'm sorry but i'm gonna have to charge you for the ride, i have to pay for my friend Deen's food or he doesn't eat it.

Pope Bob: that's fine, perfect in fact, i'm a normal human, remember? i am in fact a man. let's go to Safeway.

the cobblestone Safeway is protected by a cross down its middle. right down the middle of its automatic stained-glass double-doors.

the two new friends glide across the milk aisle as if on clouds.

Pope Bob: i'm The Dude...

Less: your white robe is kinda like a beige robe...

Pope Bob reaches the orange juice.

Pope Bob: here's a life hack. you can only afford the Safeway-brand orange juice, right? but you SEE out of the corner of your eye the Newman's Own Orange Juice!!! Paul Newman was the secret Pope after Benedict exposed himself in the flower garden. take the box of orange juice out of the cooler, HANDLE IT, touch it, look at all four sides of the carton, flip the carton in your hand, so it SEEMS like you experienced the Newman's Own even though you never bought it and took it home with you.

Less: does this work with other foods at this store?

Pope Bob: sure, HANDLE everything, touch everything, smell the new cottage cheese. look long and hard and FEEL the cold Boboli orange-chicken hanging on that hook, how exotic, that dough fees naughty all shrinkwrapped like that, SPONGY.

Less: pizza makes me uncomfortable.

Pope Bob: stick your finger in a muffin but don't buy it. eat ONE GRAPE off a bunch but don't buy it...