CONSORTIUM: THE HALLMARK EXPERIENCE

 

Jen and i are at the Hallmark Experience in Calgary. 

Jen R: exotic. all the storefront facades in the middle of the blue lake.

me: this is supposed to be Anytown, USA?

Kramer: it's too early for Christmas, man!!!

Lacey Chabert, Sami Brady from Days of our Lives, and Cameron Mathison come onto the stage not locked arm-in-arm.

Jen: the crowd is cheering Lacey, drooling Cameron, and booing Sami.

Lacey Chabert: welcome, all our fans!!! 

Sami: there's at least 100 people in the crowd, right? otherwise we can't renew the venue license.

Cameron: we your beloved Hallmark Channel stars owe our immense wealth to all you housewives out there wasting your lives away!!! thank you from the bottom of our hearts and tits.

Cameron: ready to play some romance trivia on the jumbotron? i am the game-show master after all.

Jaleel White: that would be ME, holmes. why did YOUR game show get a feature in TV Guide but mine didn't?!!! my show has flavor, your show has a bridge. do your contestants touch their toes?

Melissa Maker: my toes are TOASTY.

Sami: what is this shit?

Cameron: ping-pong balls in fishbowls, animal-crackers cannabis, live yogurt, that sort of thing.

Bandon: the candy better be good this year. last year they had those Reese's Lava Cups. BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN MY LIFE. the "lava" was not HOT, the lava did not FLOW, the lava did not MELT, it was just a chocolate-syrup DOT.

i give Jen a genuine hug.

Jen R: anytime. you know i can get you tickets to ANY event, show, or backstage foaming you'll ever want to go to. i have a guy...

Tuesday morning: when Safeway restocks...

Greek bartender: you forget i was a character on Kiss Me Kate...

Luna as Princess Kaguya: i human-kissed David Bowie...

Florida Panthers: we're robots.

the '20s: NOBODY thinks the 2020s...

Jen is checking out the Lorax's butt.

Jen R: the Once-ler, Onceler, sounds like a Rolex.

me: Dr. Seuss did psychedelics with Timothy Leary.

Jen: back in their university days when they were known as Tim & Ted.

dying car: only solution is a flying car...

Sami: shut up. imma slap all yo faces. you don't think a brat like Sami Brady from Days of our Lives can have her own romance movie?

crowd: NO!!! not really. 

Lacey Chabert: just take this tupperware of spaghetti and leave the stage, dude.

Sami: i'm coming for you, Lucky Lacey. i WILL get my revenge...

Jaleel White reading James Joyce on the Flip Side set: yeah that's right, lady, laugh during the lightning round, you wasted time, you lost, you didn't get the $10,000, but it was worth it, that laughter cured your mother's breast cancer...

summer: go to 2 concerts, that's it.

1970s MAD Magazine: the ULTIMATE in dankness.

Claudine Pepin: fuck i put pitted cherries in the food processor.

Jacques Pepin: Connecticut country is cringe.

James Cameron: playing Space Gun, the only arcade cabinet in the lobby of the movie theater waiting for Aliens to start. 1989, good times...

monks: can you persevere?

Jen R: like hell he can.

me: St. Mary's Monastery, Mass in Massachusetts...

Coldplay: Diet Radiohead.

Christmas trees: are made of rosemary...

Jacques Pepin: cut yourself.

Claudine: ...

Jacques: cut yourself a piece of meat.

one-night stand: kinda died off after the '90s...

Leslie Sbrocco: you're me as a Safeway checkout woman. you're me if i never went to college at food school.

Monica Pro: you're out of line, lady. now get out of line and let the rest of the customers through.

Leslie: the only reason to go to a grocery store is for wine. 

Monica: you're jealous of me.

Leslie: i am. the normal life. the normal level-house in Watsonville. the NORMAL white dog named Falkor.

Monica: Siberian Husky. 

Leslie: we coulda been happy together.

Monica: we're too similar. did you find everything okay today?

Leslie: i only wanted to find YOU!!!

Suzy Lu: so Android 18 is a cyborg, not an android? fine, whatever, i don't remember what i ate for breakfast this morning much less some minute detail in a stupid anime...

mouse: imagine ALL the batteries it would have taken if you didn't have a plug...

Brett Somers and Jack Klugman: we were Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf in real life...

Jen R: okay let's all settle down, mount up, and calm.

me: yeah, i got the perfect script i'm writing in my head for a new Hallmark Channel movie all of us can act in. it's called Covid Lucky, it's about two respiratory patients in a hospital fighting for their lives during covid who find each other. mostly because they're in the same hospital room.

Jen: the two hospital patients are an impossibly good-looking man and an impossibly good-looking woman. wait did you have me in mind to play lead actress? i wouldn't need to act.

me: see for most of us covid exacerbated our loneliness. but for the chosen few, some people found their soulmate during covid!!! because they were forced to share tight living quarters inside with them, there was nothing to do but spend time with a stranger, a LOT of time. 

Sami: guys, i'm sorry. i just really need a change of scenery, Deidre Hall is constantly on my puss.

Jen: you just won a family trip to Copenhagen, the world's best city to live in!!!

Sami: holy shit, things like this never happen to me!!! i'm the bad luck girl. i just wish i had a family.

Lacey Chabert: take this tupperware of danishes and stuff your face. eat.

Sami: pray, love?...

Lacey: just eat.