MACY'S IN THE '80s: FOOD-COURT BLUES

 

me: pizza is like sex...

Jen R: but that's not true. when the pizza is Sbarro.

me: yeah.

Jen: shame really. the pizza we grew up on in the mall really wasn't that good. but Sbarro is the "mall pizza," you know?  

me: gotta say i don't remember this place being this busy in the '80s.

Jen: bacon pizza?

me: um, sure. no, keep it classic, pepperoni only.

Super Mario in a greasy apron: no pizza here. we try to expand our palate and our minds, we make Italian food but no pizza, we serve spaghetti, just spaghetti. i have a trick i took from Luigi when he was sleeping. wait for the water in the pot to boil, THEN drop the pasta in.

Jen: oh wow this spaghetti takes like shit!!! 

me: you're right, it tastes like.........RICE...

Jen: i'm gonna do something for you to prove that i love you in which our bodies never touch.

me: that's impossible.

Jen orders 100 Ameci pizzas to be delivered to Sbarro at the mall.

Jen: here. see? just make the Sbarro mall-box an Ameci mall-box from now on. change EVERYBODY's memories of the '80s.

i kiss Jen on the neck.

me: the good stuff.

Jen: the pizza?

Daima: each episode-title letter forms the chant which summons the Dragon.

Suzy Lu: that chant turns my hair black, i look like feminist Videl...

Daima: Dragon Ball does Zelda...

assigned seating: make planes like school...

White Palace.

Max: how did you know my soulmate broke her neck in a car accident?

psychic sister: i was at Woodstock.

Judy: why does Nora have miniature golf on her porch? please continue, a man has never passionately kissed me. i'm cooking a turkey on Thursday in NYC, it's going to be the very first Friendsgiving.

Chandler: ...

Jen R: that's the most beautiful bond that can be created in the world, when two strangers decide to form their own family.

me: Thanksgiving mattered in the '90s, the frenzied panorama at Ralph's fetching the 30 ingredients was FUN.

Jen: those elongated silver-cage grocery trolleys. you could smoke in a grocery store in the '90s. remember when over $100 was a massive deal?

Nora: wanna rent a movie at the grocery store? how about White Palace.

Max: derivative Red Shoe Diaries mush.

Rachel: invite over your mystery lady, she chose you so she has good taste.

Susan Sarandon: omg it's the Law & Order guy!!! can i have your autograph? debt? nobody cares about debt.

Horowitz: the Jewish family everyone knew in the '80s...

Jen: this is Pee-wee Herman's real mansion...

Nora: separate tub and shower? fuck this rich shit. we DO serve kugel at White Palace tho.

Confucius say: don't judge a person by their blowjob.

Heidi Solomon: you never called me back, silly. silly boy, i'm right here. the life of Africa could be yours!!!

Dear John letter: I love you. don't look for me. that makes sense, right?

Jen: people don't hire PIs for anything anymore.

Tom Selleck: fuck the internet.

me: this is EXACTLY what i want to do!!! move to Berkeley and worry about the job later.

Jen: it's not stalking if you move to another city.

James Spader: if your son hadn't died, we wouldn't have been together. that's kinda disturbing.

Susan Sarandon: just the way i like it, honey.

Heidi Solomon: *on the answering machine* you have a new woman in your life? dirty boy. oh well. call me anyway... 

Tolkien: the Shire was based on Costa Rica...

Jen vacuums the Sherman Oaks Galleria. it takes seven hours to vacuum the whole mall.

Jen: NOW we're doing Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Jackson Browne: this brings a tear to my eye so softly i've decided to pick up every single piece of ash i dropped from my McDonald's amber ashtray and dump it in the fountain.

me: this made me melancholic.

Jen: remember, your soulmate could just be a crazy person...

Match Game '74: the thinking music is porn music.

Charlie Brill: i'm Mr. Kotter in real life...

crashing bore: only applies to Morrissey...

Rob Mac: a McDonald's in Philadelphia...

shark whisperer: the only proper way to celebrate Jaws's 50th.

lucid grandpa: gives you sage love advice from the 1880 Prussian War.

non-lucid grandma: goes crazy when you mention raisins.

Kiss Me Kate: audience "aw"s at Craig's every foible of his hopeless love life.

Craig: there's a lesson in all this: go to Amsterdam as a friend...

Jen R: raining out, your car's battery dies, you knock at a stranger's apartment to call for a cab, that was so '90s.

Max Boot: i work for Comcast...

Frank Reynolds: i get away with ANYTHING because i'm short...

Don Flamenco: i'm suddenly SUPER STRONG the second time you face me. Mike Tyson gave me some stuff...

Match Game '74: always answer "wife".

Scoey Mitchell: i like my buns soggy. in pickle juice. never put cheese on a burger. in the ghetto there actually is no word for "butt"...

Tarzan: i'm drawing a BLANK.

King Kong: i'm Catholic.

Fannie Flagg: when you think of me, you think of the word "girdle".

Richard Nixon: what fun for the American public to watch this during Watergate...

Star Patrol spotlight: an INSANE candela beam of light that is illegal for all to use...

Batman: no cops. just me.

Robert Pattinson: i can use this spotlight as Batman AND a lighthouse keeper. but not as a Shakespearean actor.

a thimble on your thumb: so steampunk.

CVS: don't go to a drugstore on the weekends...

Spider-Man: i cheat at parkour with my webs...

my person: someone other than you...

Monica Pro: i have a walkie-talkie in my back buttpocket, not an iPhone, that's how professional i am.

Leslie Sbrocco: if i went under your ladder, it'd be good luck. take me, bitch. scan me, what's my price?...

Sascha Zverev: i wish i was Dirk Nowitzki...

Rinderknech: when you look like Bradley Cooper, you have a chance.

Jen: follow me here, they're tortilla chips, but actual tortillas, like the chip is a rolled-up tortilla.

me: oh, like Takis.

Jen: Takis?

i take out bags of Takis from my backpack.

me: present from the future.

Jen: remember when you could have backpacks in the mall in the '80s? people shoplifted, but the mall cops were cool back then. the mall cop was your neighbor's father. huh, these are pretty bad. such that i'm ticked.

me: yeah.

Jen: Fajita Flavor? do you just have an Original flavor or something? oh god this blue one is ghastly.

i pour the bags of Takis into the GIANT mall trashcan. 

me: Takis are terrible.

Jen: replace this Wendy's mall-box with a Takis mall-box. let's see now Jackson Browne reacts.