CONSORTIUM: FULL-MOON FUCKING

 

Jen and i cross a very important threshold in our relationship.

Jen R: you see that The Barnyard in white letters spraypainted at the foot of the garden-path entrance?

me: never noticed that before.

Jen: you step on the N of The Barnyard, i'll step on the Y of The Barnyard, NY, New York, New York City, NYC, that's our final destination, our place of destiny, where the soap operas get made!!!

Jen R: you wanna trip with me?

me: both meanings.

Jackie Fitzgerald and Blond Rambo are at Tai's place. place of work.

Jackie Fitzgerald: yeah the two of us thought we'd have our first date at a massage parlor.

Jen R: what? haven't you two fucked?

Blond Rambo: it was better for me.

Jackie: yes we did but we both never really got around to having a first proper romantic date, you know?

Jen: okay it's just, look, i gotta say it, i mean you're not seriously contemplating having a child with Blond Rambo, are you?!!!

Blond Rambo: look at me. look at my long straight blond locks. that would be silly. i'm the boy toy, i get it. i'll burn out soon instead of smoking a dad pipe.

Jackie: no respectable father rides a motorcycle. not even John Goodman on Roseanne.

Bandon: so i saw a man carrying a LONG POLE WITH A HOOK at the gas station. scared me to think what that tool is used for over here.

Goku: sorry, that was my Power Pole, i'm always losing that thing.

Kevin Durant in a Knicks jersey: Stephen A blocked me...

Bill & Ted Face the Music.

saving reality: there's no world without reality.

hopscotch: it's not solitaire, dude.

St. Cyril's: remember tetherball in the '80s?

Jen R: that yellow volleyball on a string, that pole stuck to a LARGE tire, so many hits to the head, so many concussions.

me: i always jump-roped over the string.

daughters: dads, wait outside, this is our franchise now.

Mark Blatty: remember plaid long-sleeved shirts wrapped around your waist with jeans? the skater look.

Death: fame is intoxicating. fame makes you immortal.

Neo: why couldn't MY Underground be this goofy?

MP46: where all the MP3s went.

Mark Hapka: 11:11 minutes left.

Dennis Caleb McCoy the robot: i wanna be Death's Data, not his Lore, i'm good now.

Michael Stipe: it's the "Everybody Hurts" freeway...

The Great Leader: and just where are you thinking of going?

me: away from reality, Britain, Canada, or Colombia.

Lars von Trier: that's no moon...

Washed Out: hey, the ending is a musical collage of rocking out all over the world like my "Too Late" music video.

Jen R: hello, husband. i wish i saw this in a theater during covid...

Hollywood: why do all grips have nicknames?...

me: i need to do a Bill & Ted on my life. i need to take the time-traveling phone booth back to when i still had that WONDERFUL shoebox apartment on Telegraph Avenue. i know now that the only way i can become an adult is to STAY IN BERKELEY!!!

Jen R: game for a matinee?

me: sure. when you go with someone a matinee isn't so loserish.

the Largo strip club is in the middle of The Barnyard.

Richard Dawson, coughing constantly: a sight for sore eyes. a beaut. it's a perfect preservation of the Largo from the '70s. a strip club on the Sunset Strip, perfect. people have been forgetting history. the history of sex. the slide into senility and authoritarianism. 

Charles Nelson Reilly smoking a dad pipe: Faith. Hope. Charity. i introduced Richard to these three dancing girls.

Jen: i gotta admit, i never thought i'd see a strip club in the middle of a mall. now that i think about it, that's what malls were missing in the '80s, they had the arcade and the movie theater but they needed a strip club.

me: that would have been so '80s.

Jen after 45 minutes: so yeah, it's weird but burlesque is boring to me...

Kochanski: where's my wedding on Fiji?

Lister: wasn't in the Cat Bible...

Iran: oh you ain't typing that story THIS week...

AARP: you can FINALLY try Outback Steakhouse!!!

the first year of ESPN: we only showed American Gladiators...

Finn: draw my sword? that's what i did in that pilot episode of Adventure Time.

Jake: art AND unsheath. 

Lorna Cartwright: do you remember your first drink? then it wasn't your first drink...

me: why can't i reach you on the phone?

Jen R: my telephone's on vibrate.

Desiguales: if you don't exercise with your wife, you WILL get a divorce.

George Jetson: isn't it better having driverless cars? i talk LOUD AND ANNOYING in my flying car. about why Rick Dees has a longer peoplemover in his bedroom than me...

female tennis player: i'm hot enough to be a tennis player, but am i hot enough to be a chair umpire?...

Lucille Ball in the '50s: i really don't need to be wearing a bullet bra...

Jen R: if you're married, kiss. if you're dating, hug.

Sailor Moon S: our Christmas episode was about the Messiah.........awakening the Messiah of Silence...

Videl with short hair: do you know how long it takes for a woman to grow her hair long?!!! TWO YEARS!!! yeah. yeah. men don't know that.

Kryten: what the FUCK is the Red Dwarf theme song about, sirs?

Rimmer: those lyrics are bollocks. pure poppycock.

Cat: i wear clothes.

Lister: the theme song is about me in Fiji...

Jen pops her head out of the Thunderbird Bookshop.

Jen R: come on in, i signed us up for the Hallmark Experience.

me: OMG!!!

Jen: right? long line in the shape of an amazon bird but it was worth it.

Orson Bean in line: it's impossible to be happy like i was!!! you can't do it!!!

Don DeLillo in line holding the book of White Noise: critics called me the '80s Faulkner not as a compliment...

Naruto: Nature. my clone is in line...

Aubrey Plaza in line: depression is not low sodium. i'm on drugs.........depression meds. they ain't doing a damn thing. my malt-vinegar chips make me happier than these fucking pills.

Walton Goggins: hey, Aubrey Plaza, i'm here for you, i know what you're going through, i'm always just a phone call away...

Sami Brady from Days of our Lives comes out of the tiny door in the side of the bookshop near the Thunder Fountain, the Thunder Totem that spits water at passing bookbuyers.

Sami Brady: well all you fat fucks, i have the winner. going to Canada are Jen R and you.

Jen and i lock fingers, jump up and down with red faces, and pee in our pants simultaneously in exasperated joy.

Sami Brady: Canada, where the REAL soap operas get made!!!