PODCAST OUTTA NOWHERE: STICK TO FETTUCCINE

 

Chad: foodie booty.

me: alright, the eternal conundrum of fettuccine.

Chad: right? how do you prevent the fettuccine from sticking to the bottom of the fucking pot? that is a MOTHRFUCKER to scrape off, i scrape off all that fettuccine sanded in there like a fossil and my fingernails bleed for days.

Melissa: easy, don't put the dry fettuccine in the pot until the water is BOILING. i mean a ROILING boil!!! 

Chad: the REAL question is who is my next woman?

me: oh that sends the imagination FLYING.

Melissa: easy, guys, it's obviously going to be Jessie Camp's sister. remember, the two things you need for a strong marriage are: laundry and memes.

Serbia: we love our cartoons.

Vampire Hunter D (1985): it was all over beef jerky!!! i went to Yale to become an anime voice actress?...

better title for the Red Dwarf episode "Timewave": "Tolerance."

Scarface (1932).

Cesca: how DARE you wave the Tommy DeVito hand gesture in my face, Tony!!! Da Bears, remember? 

Tony: hey yous got any of that drugstore bubblegum? lucky for me the phone will ring and the RIGHT person will answer it, that's how ballrooms were in the '30s.

Mabel: i ain't no stool pigeon, but my house parrots are.

flapper moll: you'll be sorry when i'm in love with Mr. Miyagi. where are the dancing girls? dancing girl is a noble profession. 

Lovo: what are you whistling ominously, Tony?

Tony: Country Bear Jamboree, Disneyland.

Lovo: it wasn't me, Tony!!! honest!! it was Poppy!!! it was Poppy, Tony!!!

Tony: man, you are REAL sore about being dumped.

Cesca: i have adult ideas. like this paper doll chain i made in Arts 'n Crafts using real glue that came from the horse that won the Derby.

Little Boy: i'll only date Tony's sister if she listens to PM Dawn.

Cesca: damn, my own mother ratted me out!!! i just wanted to sing and play piano on a Lucy episode while smoking a tree of cigarettes as i kiss a very young Bob Hope...

Hugh Hefner: take the gun, not the coin.

male secretary: why are doors so thin? at least the phone works now...

Poppy: Tony, say something!!!

me: Jen, say something!!!

Cesca: sorry, Tony, i told the cops about your secret stairs, i was still mad at you for ruining my life by shooting my soulmate like he was nothing. next time, Tony, monologue AFTER you put up the bulletproof windows. i'm going to be with Guino. i called him Guido for the longest before he corrected me. don't be a baby, Tony, that's just baby powder.

Tony: hey copper, got any steel shutters?

police detective: sure. Chicago is known for its hurricanes.

Tony: i'm all alone now. i still got my ma but she don't count. 

The Three Stooges: why did we talk like gangsters?...

three at Trader Joe's.

Pam Hiltunen: where are your tiki mugs?...

Kombucha Rap Guy: where is your natural food? don't lie to me, man!!! i saw Richard Dawson taking some out of the store with him!!!

Richard Dawson: just taking some British pizza back with me to the house on Coldwater Canyon.

Charles Nelson Reilly: what has four legs and a tail? me finally making peace with Richard Dawson.

me: have you heard of the rickey cocktail?

Melissa: sure, Oakland A's, i'm using rickeys for my Gatsby Party tonight.

Chad: Cherry Lime Rickey? in those fat tall-ass graffiti'd Arizona Tea cans?

Melissa: Chad, this why i filed.

Lamar Jackson: yes, my mom's name is Felicia...

Pardon The Interruption: we're naked now...

Jaleel White: "send a nude pic" was the #1 answer?!!! not "to say I love you first"? okay bye i'm done with this world...

cats at Costco: Maintenance Cat? no IAMS? come on.

Taylor Fritz: yeah but my tiebreak record is 7-11 so it's lucky.

Taylor Fritz: if you're wearing a Chipotle shirt, you're living life.

Karen Gillan: i would very much like to do a rom-com next, the Marvel incel stuff is REALLY getting old. rom-com, just putting that out there in the universe.........wink wink...

Emma Raducanu: do i fuck Carlos Alcaraz, the next Nadal, or Jack Draper, the next Federer?

judge: i rule.

lawyer: *eyeroll*

Florida Panthers: we made a deal with the New Jersey Devil.

Edmonton Oilers: you guys were more slippery than us NOT on the ice!!!

Professor Tomoe: i'm a stud. i'm Sailor Moon S beefcake!!! i'm the sexy-man villain.

Richard Gere: i simply must play you in the live-action!!! 

Tyrese Haliburton: somehow the Pacers will win Game 6 without me, then i'll hit the Finals-winning shot on the road falling back on my gimp leg Willis Reed-style...

Tim Burton: do we know each other?

Jack Tripper: the first episode of Season 2 of Three's A Crowd would have been about temaki...

Match Game '74: fun school.

Melissa: taste takes time.

me: some topics for tomorrow's podcast: what exactly is someone's "legacy"? why do the new Cheetos potato chips taste so RUSTIC? what does 100% health look like? why does Eva Longoria require shade to be beautiful?

Melissa: Maple Coke was my idea.

Chad: yeah but just as Quebec was about to clinch the World Series, the strike...

PODCAST OUTTA NOWHERE: FRIENDS WITH BOTH DIVORCERS

 

Chad Reynolds and i finally start a podcast.

Chad Reynolds: this will be a nice distraction for me, the divorce was unexpected.

me: the fact that somehow i'm STILL friends with you AND Melissa is a MIRACLE.

Chad: it'll make for a smooth transition when you become my kid's stepfather...

me: it was Father's Day and Melissa didn't like your Father's Day post on Instagram, that was devastating.

Chad: instead she posted an Instagram Story about how fathers are crucial to molding young minds, guardrails and shit, and if you ARE such a father, good for you.

Melissa Maker: come on, guys, do you really expect me to keep liking Chad's stuff on Instagram after the divorce? isn't that the point? i'm making it Instagram-official...

me: our first guest is Melissa Maker. after a messy and painful divorce, she's striking out on her own in search of voice-acting fame.

Melissa: striking out is right. the anime game is a gang war up here in Canada.

Chad: not cool, bro, i really need to see the guest list in the morning before we start...

me: so Melissa, have you met Laura Bailey?

Melissa: no, you said you'd set that up. you're the writer, remember? the Hollywood guy? i'm new to this, i was in the clean game. which was boring as fuck.

me: i may have said i knew a couple of Hollywood names to impress you. i do know two Hollywood street names. i said i LIKED anime, as in i've watched an ungodly amount of anime movies on lonely Friday nights instead of dancing at a steak restaurant. i mean YOU'RE the one with the connections...

Jennette McCurdy: when do i join the cast of SNL?...

Scarface (1932).

Al Pacino: imagine if MY 1983 Scarface was Pre-Code...

Tupac: you don't want gang rule? rule #1: no stag parties.

J. Jonah Jameson: The Booze War was greater than The Great War!!!

Tony Montana: i'm Hannah Montana's father? why is my barber Shemp? the streets will flow with blood like booze...

gangsters: America's first glamorous bad guys.

George Raft: flipping a coin repeatedly, the gangster cliche, but i wanted to be a football referee...

Scarface: the DISRESPECT!!! using  a police-star badge as a match edge, wow.

Cesca: girls just wanna have fun, Tony. i want to be Clara Bow!!! i want to kiss Curly Stooge on the sidewalk below us with the grind monkey.

flying fuck: oh sorry.

Tony: got a pencil? i need a Pixy Stix.

Boss Lovo: why'd you shoot up The Shamrock?

Tony: no Lucky Charms cereal, i was hungry.

Always Open: Denny's is in the pocket of the mob.

Howard Hawks: cool visual there to symbolize the out-of-control violence, shooting each page of a daily calendar for a year...

male secretary: i wanted to be in Marx Brothers instead. i'm in the moving pictures because i have no education. why do we have a second phone that's an intercom?

Tony: don't need a lawyer. habeas corpus. yeah. foot in the ass, donate my kidney, and i'm home free. to go antiquing with Poppy at the Iceberg Lounge.

Boris Karloff: i look like Hugh Laurie. the enduring lesson of Frankenstein is that he lived because of strict gun-control laws. a little torch fire waved around in his face is just gonna be ignored.

secretary: shooting up the place, holes in the coffee thermos, no hear name, good thing coffee wasn't scalding hot...

Tony: sure means no. i lost my accent when i got my lead-spitter. 

Lovo: jesus, i was leisurely enjoying the one three-panel Dick Tracy comic strip in the paper at an outside table of an Italian restaurant in the heart of downtown when i get tommy-gunned outta nowhere!!!

Lawnmower Man: mowed down...

Jen R: see it's confusing because the cops and the gangsters wear the same fedora, same hat, everyone looks the same. and that police detective looks like Boss Lovo...

John Waters: they both look like ME!!!

Bill Clinton: the answer is NOT tighter immigration laws. do NOT armyfy the police. it's the '90s, we can still turn this around...

Jen R: i want to play Electric Baseball at the 1930s bowling alley!!!

Lindy Lenz: hello this is Building, please leave a message, thank you...

me: what happened to you, bro?

Chad: life is what happens AWAY from Instagram.

me: you had a period of like eight months there of radio silence. remember when i DM'd you about the World Series? Freddie Freeman!!! with the Kirk Gibson home run for the ages!!! Freddie is Canadian!!! i thought that would really grab you. but nothing.

Chad: that was actually exactly when the shit started.

Melissa: yeah the World Series, i remember, on that day, the first game, that was when i asked you for a divorce.

me: how do you tell something like that to someone you love implicitly forever? 

Chad: remember the caption i typed under our Instagram anniversary pic? the adventure is just BEGINNING...

me: our listeners are listening. for love lessons.

Melissa: i dunno, i just kinda said it and blacked out. i knew i needed to say it, but i also knew i still had to go to Trader Joe's because we always run out of quinoa on Thursday...

Big Bang Beryl: Scott Weiland's Red Dwarf alterna-mistress.

Desiguales: if you don't do the dishes, you WILL get a divorce...

Tato Skins: '80s old-skool BIG Pringles.

Kermit smoking a doobie: Jim Henson had me do Dragon Ball Z to promote The Muppets, man. i had to inflate like the motherfucking Goodyear Blimp. Jim and i had a falling-out after that. for 3 years. he DID come to my tadpole's bar mitzvah at Marineland.

George Washington: I GREW HEMP. that was a thought bubble, not a speech bubble...

Matt from Safeway: Coast soap, because we're all coasting through life...

Chloe Annett: in search of the REAL Kochanski. establishing communication with me is like establishing communication with Jen R...

Friday the 13th: The Series: see Jason was one of the antiques...

OmegaBall: THREE teams on the field, that's pretty cool...

Rev. Snoop: if God didn't grow it, don't blow it.

Tupac "How Do U Want It": 

how do you want it?

how does it feel?

comin up as a nigga in the cash game 

living in the fast lane

nonpareil

Jon Rahm: i was Blond Rahmbo in high school...

Enlightenment: quiet.

Sailor Moon S song: Tuxedo milagro...

Rupert Grint: i was the grunt of Harry Potter.

Brian Wilson: i was a certified genius. it's amazing how i was able to get OUT of my depression after just three short years. John Stamos drumming bongos in our "Kokomo" music video was NOT an episode of Full House. is that a glass eye? oh you're just mad...

Chad: this Friday is the 50th anniversary of Jaws.

me: ...

Chad: well?

me: what.

Chad: aren't you the Hollywood guy?

me: it's a nice movie. the first summer blockbuster, it's historic, i get it. but i dunno. is there gonna be deleted scenes?

Chad: you don't need to impress Melissa anymore.

me: Jaws 3 but ONLY if it's the original cast...

Steven Spielberg: Jaws 3.........-D...

DID YOU MEET THE RIGHT PEOPLE?: EVERYONE'S TOO BUSY FOR LOVE

 

we emerge out of the other reality back soaked and fetal-positioned in the Safeway bathroom trough.

me: just in time for hot breakfast chicken.

Jen R: look, i'm telling you right now, there's only so much Safeway chicken a woman can take.

so we all convene at a Burger King.

everyone's in line.

Alexandra Silber: dating is dead. matchmaking is having a moment, because of me. did ANYBODY see me in Fiddler on the Roof? it was only 260 shows. off-Broadway but still. medium fries. small fries, large fries, no i want the medium fries...

Jen R: this is so cool!!! have you seen the Burger King Happy Meals? the toys are Red Dwarf. look you can get a Lister's Jacket toy, the  motorcycle jacket. and a Wilma Flintstone toy. you snap the two toys together to form Wilma Flintstone on the back of Lister's jacket.

Lister: i'd marry Wilma but fuck Betty. the problem is getting with Betty doesn't exactly repopulate the human race...

Tyrese Haliburton, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, and Stephen A. Smith sit around a Burger King booth by a glaring window with two ferns.

Tyrese Haliburton wearing a yacht hat: call me Hali. is this Filet-O-Fish halibut? the Finals don't start until someone eats a popcorn during a slam dunk. Hoosier americana. pick up. we need to pick up the PACE!!! it's okay, i'm handsome, you can say that i'm a handsome man, that doesn't make you less of a man.

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander: Shai GORGEOUS-Alexander. you guys are pests. the Indiana Pacers are like fern fleas, man, how do i get rid of you? Cell bug spray? i'm so tired after a game i'm holding my shorts. 

Jen R: omg i got a dollar back with George Washington on it with a speech bubble saying I GREW HEMP.

Stephen A. Smith with Bill Clinton thumb: see? I TOLD YOU. i told you, America...

George Washington: yes. i did. i grew hemp. everyone grew hemp back then. it was no big thing. why is everyone in 2025 so tense?...

me: pick up. did you change your number?

Jen R: i forgot.

me: it's just, i call it every hour and it goes to voicemail and the mailbox is full...

Jen: yeah i never check anything.

me: how cruel is that, i have your phone number but it's useless...

Stu: Seth Meyers has always been around with topical jokes, not sketch comedy.........i mean for the HARDCORE Seth Meyers fans...

Nicole: NOT a last name...

"We Are the World": it's a choice we're making, we're gambling our own lives...

Dr. Nancy Alvarez: bring back the schoolmarm bell.

at their own Burger King booth.

Stephen A. Smith wide-eyed: yeah yeah but then buttholes get tight. buttholes get tight under the hot lights of the Big City. 

Jacques Pepin: it's so nice to have my show back on PBS again. at 7 PM. it's so calm and quiet.

Stephen A. Smith: the bright lights of the NBA Finals. i am an American actor. hold up, 7 PM? i'm asleep by then!!!

Jimmy Carter: Georgia is slow but you need to slow GA or your eyes will turn to dust.

Georgia Flood: i'm from Australia...

Cocteau from Demolition Man: next time i'll make sure to program it so EVERYONE IN THE WORLD can't kill me...

Tyrrhenian Sea: Dune.

Jen R: everyone has Thursday off...

Jules Smith: ...

dad: hey don't get me a Switch 2 for Father's Day, okay?

me: but dad...

dad: Nintendo was YOUR thing. just get me that Boomer Esiason tie. okay the Kerouac tie. okay the Anne Bronte tie!!! everyone forgets about Anne!!! i mean unless i can play Pole Position on it...

Akira Toriyama: DAIMA isn't a dime a dozen.........btw, i liked GT...

Jaleel White on the Flip Side set: six episodes a day for four weeks?!!! fuck that noise, bro. that's madness month, man. that's 168 episodes with no bathroom break. but you know what? i get an 11-month vacation...

Dr. Dre: where do you go, Hawaii?

Jaleel White: Dr. Dre is still alive?...

John C. McGinley with mustache: i should be in the Cheers reboot, you know, the mailman...

Dark Passenger: i mean who's watching Dexter at 8 AM?...

Violett Beane: look at me, i'm Kurt Cobain's daughter. my name is plaid Seattle '90s grunge...

Gallagher: i was the only one who beat Goku fair-and-square mano-a-mano in a proper tournament setting...

Richard Dawson on the Match Game set: i taped this show in the morning and did Shakespeare in the afternoon.

Aaron Krickstein: match game set, get it?

Richard Dawson: yeah. on a stage in Van Nuys next to the Don's Plum...

Anthony Bourdain at Burger King: Rest Up? for what?...

me: that's the thing though, you know?

Jen R: yeah.

me: that is my element, that is what i love to write, those Hallmark movies with the impossibly good-looking women and men who vie for the corniest lines of rom-com dialogue, that is what matters to me.

Jen: yeah. it's a conundrum tho. i mean why would gorgeous people have problems marrying? or at least fucking the One? their MOM has to help them get a date?!!! hey, they may be bipolar germaphobes but look at them, they're gorgeous!!! if you filled these movies with ugly people, no one would watch. it'd be more realistic, but no one would watch.

Arthur the aardvark wiping Buster Baxter Bunny's mask: ...

Prunella from Arthur: i was supposed to be Prunella Scales. you know, Mister Rogers's mother.

me: i was put on this Earth to write this kind of corny dialogue. about the deeper meaning of toaster ovens and stuff.

Jen: yeah. i know. i understand. i grok you. i really am retaining what you're saying right now. one day i will prove it to you that i listened... 

DID YOU MEET THE RIGHT PEOPLE?: INTERESTING BUT NEVER TOUCHED

 

we emerge from the Safeway Ancient Roman trough aqueduct.

Jen R: that sucked, literally.

me: i was gonna say with a renewed sense of adventurous vigor. 

Jen: we're in a strange dayglo-green forest.

me: dream or alternate reality?

Jen: same thing. 

Jen is Kochanski as Rachael from Blade Runner.

Jen: i always thought Sean Young got a raw deal. this hair is black-licorice cotton candy!!!

Chloe Annett: i HAVE to be in Red Dwarf: Promised Land, right? there's no other way...

Chris Barrie: one of the titles should have been "Blade Rimmer."

me: i am Lister as Rick Deckard.

Monica Pro: and apparently i'm Rimmer. ME?!!! Rimmer?!!! just because i'm in management? come on, i'm SOFTER than that previous Safeway bald boss!!!

Jen: you'll never have me, i'm WAY out of your league.

me: yeah i will, because i'm disgusting, but i'm brave.

Jen: but you're not brave.

me: right. and i hate motorcycles. but i WILL wear Lister's cool motorcycle jacket just as an anime-gang thing i guess. 

Jen: you WISH you had Lister's sexy ethnic dreads.

me: i wish i had ANY hair to call my own and style sexily to attract a female. 

Jen: women like frizzy chest hair.

me: my music is bad but it has that "Good Vibrations" feel to it that lets you know i have a good heart.

Jen: serenade me with "Ordinary People."

me: but you're out of my league.

Clay Aiken: Kelly Clarkson reorganized my refrigerator so drastically it turned into a tub that Benicio del Toro bathes in.

Benicio del Toro: Wes is only allowed by contract to call me Benicio del Bubbles from now on.

Wes Anderson: does Benicio really live in Encino?...

Demolition Man.

Zack de la Rocha: The Battle of Los Angeles is happening right now!!!

Cecilia Phillips: i'm packing my large black police baton in my FRONT jeanspocket in case anyone gets cute about Leslie Sbrocco's tits.

Sly Stallone: SLY STONE, not me.

Sylvester Stallone: my wife incidentally was a crow. my daughter is Edgar Allan Poe.

Denis Leary: move move move!!! get the Dubble Bubble tub of shrimp!!!

Sly: wait why am i fighting for this new society i hate? blanket, gets the bad guys every time. i quit, i'm just gonna be a cuisine valet here, leave me alone.

special men: gay.

Wesley Snipes: not John Starks, he's too uptight.

Orson Welles: victor gets this fireplace. i used Robert Blake's Diet Powder to make myself beautiful again.

Sandra Bullock: would you like to have sex?

Sly: with you?

Sandra: with my brother.

Sly: why do you have a mini-YMCA pool in the middle of your nostalgia apartment?

Sandra: vir sex.

Sly: virgin?

Sandra: virtual. do you know what the exchange of bodily fluids leads to?

Sly: a mess. a mess i clean up, hence my name Demolition Man.

naked Brandy Ledford: see the thing is i ALMOST got the Sandra Bullock part. funny how Hollywood works...

enhance your calm: Serenity Now.

Sly: what's in this burger?

underground lady vendor: Chuck E. Cheese. Spanish is still spoken in the future?...

Jen R: you own a pair of beige pajamas.

me: even i wouldn't drink a banana-broccoli shake. is it safe to eat cocktail weiners cold?

Jen: save me, saveloy!!!

Sandra Bullock: 40 dead bus passengers you say?...

Thom Yorke: i am LOVING this bubble bath from LUSH as the airbag.

Associate Bob: i'll just go back to the Lollipop Guild now.

multi-lifer: eats many bowls of LIFE cereal.

Sandra Bullock: in the future, there are no buses...

me: oh look at this!!! the trough's still here!!!

Jen: is it mirrored?

the cats Trinity and Talia scamper to drink from the ancient aqueduct.

Talia: historic water in this waterway.

Trinity: as in historically clean.

me: what's with you guys? in the early morning i go to the bathroom and lock the door, you cats go CRAZY running around the whole house!!!

Talia: when you turn on the water in the locked bathroom, we can't get to it!!!

Lisa Lougheed "Run With Us": that's the REAL The Legend of Billie Jean...

Suzy Lu eating Wotsits: broly. no, not Broly, broly as in like a bro...

Vanquish: gives you snoring...

Derek Van Dam: i give a damn enough to build a dam. hail the size of grapefruit. grapefruit for breakfast...

Scoey Mitchell: my name is from Baltimore...

Scoey Mitchell: Match Game '70 now on Game Show Network at 6 AM!!! the most nutritious way to greet the day!!! with heady nostalgia you'll never recapture in your own life again.

Jaleel White: i'm trying to recapture that Match Game magic with Flip Side.

Scoey: the '70s, the last decade you could fuck. i felt so loved in Brett Somers's arms...

Greta Thunberg: selfie yacht? nah, i don't own an iPhone. have you noticed you haven't seen me around lately? it's a freedom flotilla, the Palestinians get the short end of the stick AT ALL TIMES. can you at least use it to sail Tate back to Transylvania? do NOT paint the hull of the ship Tate's Taint...

Alcaraz: i'm the Pacers.

Anderson Cooper: that was me interviewing Satan in DBZ Episode 193...

RHCP "Can't Stop": this life is more than just a readthrough.

Shakespeare: double meaning.

RHCP: your dust enhances Chad Smith's lean-to.

Shakespeare: did you guys get that Airbnb in the Pleiades?

on the Red Dwarf set.

Robert Llewellyn: why are all my episode scripts 3000 pages long?!!!...

Jules Smith: i should like Cat best but i'm secretly SMITTEN with Kryten. 

Danny John-Jules: i was the one actually singing Tom Jones "It's Not Unusual" on the record...

David Attenborough: i want to live long enough to see a morphling...

Capp: you can't be brave alone.

Great Northern Bean: Bowie's bean.

me: you're my soulmate.

Jen R: was i gone a month? i don't remember. i secured a job but he wanted me to clean, too. i was like fuck no. i do have a can of Lemon Pledge from the '70s in my cupboard but that's a collector's item. digital design only, pal. maybe analog design if my Navage is filled with weedwater. i had to be firm with him, he was Orthodox Jew.

the two of us continue ruminating in a gauzy-green Vaporwave wood, blinkers on.

Jen R: why'd you stop the car in the clearing? we were driving alone just the two of us down a dark dirt one-way forest road in the afternoon, wasn't that your dream?

me: yes but it isn't real, Kris. i mean Jen. you're not the REAL Jen. you know, i don't have to marry you. if i can text you the rest of my life, i'm golden. 

Jen: and how do you know I want to marry YOU?

me: you gave me a chance. by texting BACK. i took that opportunity and ran with it. that's more chance than the rest of this fucking world ever gave me. it's not an opening, it's a lifeline. you gave me the slightest taste of the good life. 

Jen: hey you're in charge of remembering if i'm gone for a month again with no texts because you know i'm gonna forget...