JEN THE CONFESSOR: THE WOMAN ASKS THE MAN OUT

 

Jen R: we're helping out some folk today.

Jack Tripper: you're asking a man out on the corded tan telephone by the fern?

Janet Wood: and why not, Jack Tripper!!! it's better than sitting on this ratty couch all Saturday night like a sad lump.

Jack: huh. you know i've never really thought about it. why not that is. and i read Playgirl.

Larry Dallas: Janet Janet Janet, the man asks the woman out, it's just been the way of the world since recorded history.

Janet: the way of the jungle you mean. this is all Medieval monks' fault. cavewomen earned the bread but  nobody reads their history.   

Jen R: i'm thinking about this. why EXACTLY don't women ask men out?

Janet: they feel if a woman asks a man out, it means she's desperate.

Jen: yeah i'm thinking about this.........i don't see that tho. especially if the woman is hot, that necessarily means she could get any man she wants so there's no desperation there. i see it the other way: the woman taking INITIATIVE in a chauvinist world to go after and get what she wants, that's HOT. drive is SEXY.

me: sure would be a weight lifted off my shoulders. i sweat over the phone. i have skinny shoulders, i don't need burden, i need Borders.

Jen: okay so let's do this for real.

Janet: right.

Jack enters the apartment.

Jack: Janet, i peed in the houseplants. but only because Furley wouldn't fix the toilet.

RF: as the kids' landlord let me just say, i love those three. four, whatever. who's Chrissy? she told me over the phone to hate fruitcake...

Jack shuffling the mail: i haven't paid rent in 8 years...

Janet: Jack, never mind all that.........will you go out with me? 

Jack: um.........yeah. over the course of 8 seasons you're the only woman who sees ME, not my body. we really should have gotten married.

Vicky: hey, i agree, too. Jack and i are an awkward match. i have the personality of laundry detergent. i'm more suited for a judge...

Jen R: hey, what are you doing?

me: i don't know.

Jen: you spent all morning with a headache? it's the afternoon now, boy, you can't function like this!!!

me: i know but pills scare me now. all food and drink tastes slightly off.

Jen: you gotta take the two Vanquish in the morning. especially if you have a headache. it's the only way. water won't help. water tastes disgusting to the human stomach.

me: i'd be dead without you.

Jen: got any Clorets gum?

me: i wish. breath deodorant. green gum. barrel-shaped.

Jen: i'd get a CASE of Clorets at Costco in the '80s. 80 packs of gum. each pack 20 gum. i'd shovel the whole pack of Clorets in my mouth in one fell swoop, it was better than smoking.

Jen: our lazy mall days are over. all the '90s stores no longer exist: Wet Seal.

me: i always thought they made computers in Wet Seal. The Limited.

Jen: The Limited was so limited i never saw one. Sharper Image.

me: where everyone bought a new TV to see that Michael Jackson music video. Borders.

Jen: remember when Borders were innocent places? Barnes & Noble always had a fountain  in the middle of the bookshop.

me: no pee, just pennies. the water was bronze, not green.

Jen: ferns everywhere at a Barnes & Noble, ferns on the stairs, ferns in the corners, it was quite the lovely jungle.

crosses on collars: nurses, not priests.

Tom Noonan: my voice is UNSETTLING.

Judy Landers: i mean you look at me and you know that i did all the voices on Animaniacs.

Rachel Nazarian: if Melissa Maker became a doctor...

Spalding Gray: i was a singer-songwriter. i didn't do lectures, i did art.

Aryna Sabalenka: sorry for signing your forehead, Jimmy Fallon, i thought you were the camera...

Timothee Chalamet: EsDeeKid? nah nah nah, my English accent is terrible, have you seen Willy Wonka?

Dot from It's a Living: i want to ask him out, but it'll look like i'm desperate.

Jen R: break free, woman. i mean you're Top Ten most gorgeous women who ever lived on the planet. okay so it's the series finale, the last scene, so let's do the scene for real!!!

Dot: okay. 

Sonny: a beautiful woman's gonna ask me out? me? Sonny Mann? i can't process this. my life is a lie. up is down, right is left, and the sky is green. wait, this is Earth we're talking about here, the sky will never be green... 

Dot: Sonny, will you go out with me?.........omg, that just hit me.........the fact that Sonny Mann really is my soulmate!!!