Zalman King: you know that final trapeze-artist angel episode we did? i did it on a broken foot.
me: how broken was it?
Patricia Louisianna Knop: just the top part. my foot was broken too, slightly.
Jen R: now THAT's a marriage team!!! not the consultants and counselors, the real people.
Patricia: it was the type of thing where it was a nuisance to direct and make writing changes to the script with the foot pain in the back of your head. but it didn't REALLY require a cast, you know? and this dialogue i was coming up with was sizzling. it could heal on its own, we didn't have time to go to a country hospital in Romania where we were shooting, that shit's expensive. i was thinking of the CAST...
Zalman: what the fuck's private equity, you know? i'm a painter, not the business world, i need my mind and water-based paints clear. there were these four Romanian nurses there on set from the hospital with those curious red-outlined crosses on their lapels that look like Klingon symbols.
Patricia: Romulan, dear, get with the kids. i raised our kids, i got tired of the smut. just saying, everything gets worn out after a while. why are nurses' outfits the only ones you can go to the club with?
Zalman: one of our peerless nurse crew asked me if i wanted a foot rub, a foot massage. i swear i needed one in the MEDICAL way...
the clerk at the dentist's office: look i lost your file. don't worry about it, go potty. okay? i go potty, you go potty, the dentist goes potty before your root canal. we're ensuring a good outcome here.
Tim Conway: not insuring it. i LOVE golf. i hope you can forgive me. i poo'd in a golf lake ONCE.
Jen: those manila folders were so cool in the '70s in offices. you wouldn't have lost the page if it was snugly placed between the folds of a manila folder, that's why it's called a folder not a holder...
Walker: do you know how many DECADES OF IMPRESSING i have to do before...
Jackie: before what? before i finally say it's okay and i go ahead and suck your dick?
Walker: before two souls fall in love?
Jackie: better.
Walker: .........it's just.........you know it's the chainsawing Christmas trees, going to computer school, turning away the plumber and the electrician, walking Falkor-sized dogs, carrying on my shoulder a full California Redwood trunk as i cross the street alone in the fog...
week to week: weak.
Kristen Stewart: acting is inherently unmasculine. it requires vulnerability. have you ever seen a female Method actor?
Meryl Streep: well me but i got into Stanislavski so i could scrub off Ethan Hawke's beard.
LARGE Santa lawn balloons: you want us this Christmas? you're gonna have to CHASE us...
Kirstie Alley a CONTESTANT on Match Game: yeah it's Kirstie. unusual name, huh, Gene? MEMORABLE name though, maybe i should be an actress. i'm an "interior designer" now. but now that i see a young 18-year-old fresh-faced Jamie Lee Curtis on the panel, i'm thinking i can take her...
Jen R: there was that one time you were ADORABLE to me.
me: just once?
Jen: when you were going on about Dutch ovens. how you wanted your Dutch oven the color of Kurt Cobain's powder-blue guitar. like you were sincerely talking about cooking, not farts, you watched a ton of PBS cooking shows and you wanted to learn to cook spaghetti in a Dutch oven, it was adorable. tender, not like the chicken you cooked in there that sent me to the dentist.
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