CURSING THE GOOD GUYS: MACHO MAN

 

Stuart Scott: I made ESPN2 cool!!! not the windsurfing!!!

Tatiana Schlossberg: what're we planning?

Stu: hold up i got an idea. follow my lead.

the two make it to the silver tower where the 8 old white guys with white hair run everything. run the world. and run away from the problems of the world.

Tatiana: 8, like a self-eating snake.

Stu and Tatiana dance and sing in front of these men the Village People song "Macho Man" which leaves the men quite bewildered.

Stu: good, they didn't get it.

Rob Reiner: what happened to dignity?

me: whenever i drink caffeine my glands swell up, the glands in my neck hurt, they're like fish gills.

Jen R: as long as you're Don Knotts in The Incredible Mr. Limpet you'll be fine.

Wisconsin Cheeseman: when you can't think of anything and.........i mean everyone likes cheese, right?...

This Old House: don't you want to see our carpenters in tuxes ordering the bluemason stone saucer of spaghetti from the very International House of Pancakes they themselves demolished?

Silk Stalkings: Red Shoe Diaries on broadcast TV...

guacamole: you really don't want to be eating me in the morning.

Minute Maid in a Jane Austen dress: why does day-old apple juice taste like cider with lead in it?

Pepto Bismol: it was NEVER supposed to be weird white chalky dust powder...

Jane Austen: Emma? come on, bloating isn't feminism!!!

Stevie Nicks restarts VH1 Storytellers. she saunters up onto the small stage of a burnt-umber bookshop that seats 5 in the audience and starts BELTING OUT "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" wailing on her electric guitar.

burnt umber: toasting marshmallows in the California Siennas...

Mona Lisa: i have fair skin...

Maha: ironically, i was the one who gave your mom those suspicious street pills that made her unhealthy...

Chilly Willy: you made fun of me from the start. the drill into the ice making a circle fishing-hole. i'd never be as beloved as Woody Woodpecker. yeah well at least i don't FALL when i'm walking in the snow!!!

Oolong: U.S. Acres? we are BOTH two pigs who don't do a damn thing all day...

Samantha Maker: floating vanity, because it's like a magic trick.

Yaron: it's like when Doctor Who heals himself in floating stasis.

Samantha: i like the aesthetic of the circular sink because it's so '90s. i look at that circular sink and i think of frosted tips.

Dawn: clean those ducks so they can sell that Lundberg sushi rice!!!

Jackie: i mean i was NOT in a good place before Walker miraculously entered my life. remember when i had you do my laundry for me? i brought over from next door my alice-blue weave hamper which just had my panties in the hamper but somehow that hamper weighed 280 pounds.

Tatiana: our leaders: our president, bank presidents, CEOs, Congresspeople, judges with robes with long pockets, that one local corrupt councilman head drunk on provincial power, university provosts not cute empathic professors who feel the students, cop-charity-dinner envelopers, gods and devils alike, they have failed us. they're born into a system which oppresses us. decisions are made without our knowledge. why do they get to write the rules? is the pen a secret quill? why do they get to build the table? almond oil is from the Giving Tree, the people's tree. only if we continue to MOCK them will their unearned power weaken. we must SHAME THEM DAILY for what they did to us.