CURSING THE GOOD GUYS: MISS MEARA

 

Tatiana Schlossberg: it just isn't fair. i didn't ask to be born a Kennedy. and i'm cursed with cancer because long ago Daddy Joe Kennedy made a deal with the Devil? i guess in exchange for a permanent lineage of good looks, wealth, and power, none of us will live very long? i wasn't involved in ANY of this!!! but that's the thing, the Kennedys brought GOOD unto this world. good works. it was prestige but it was prestige to help the poor. we won't mention RFK Jr., he got iced out of the family by the devil himself, booted by a cloven hoof to a place worse than Hell: that face of RFK Jr. that the whole world can see.

Tatiana: how does one make sense of this? the only way is to make the devil less scary, make him a joke, slowly the curse wears off over time from overrub. make him small with an insult, cut him down to size. the TINY blue imp he is. you decrease the devil's power as your body starts to makes antibodies again which fight off those cancerous cells making a mockery of you, making your body work AGAINST you. you regain your agency. it's not about self-worth, it's about normal. 

Rob Reiner: what the fuck's going on in the world? how much worse can things get? is there room anymore for a lazy sanity? i'm just your everyday mensch at your local deli telling you the stuff you think about, the stuff you want to say, but can't in these fraught times. it's not about being liberal, it's about having sense. it's about not being crazy. you know i wasn't political growing up as a young man. believe it or not, i used to be slim. i was thinking of growing my hair long like a hippie and joining a metal band. and when the music fails as it does for all of us, trying comedy. the Meathead character changed me. i figured i'd be fighting REAL Archie Bunkers the rest of my life and i was sadly proven right!!!

Rob Reiner: what a shame. i wanted to do a remake of My Favorite Year as a tribute to my dad...

Diet Rite: was there a Rite soda that wasn't diet? Regular Rite? Rite Classic? New Rite? was it just called Rite?

Premier League: bit of both, Bex...

what makes a gentleman?: BlueChew.

Premier League: all these fixtures around Christmas, it's too many matches. soccer players get sick in December, there'll be nobody around!!!

Jen R: EVERYBODY gets sick in December.

Jen R: should i leave?

me: doesn't matter. it's too late.

Jen: too late?

me: i've already fallen in love with you...

Terres Unsoeld: when you can't publish a book like the rest of us, when your book goes unsold, OF COURSE you become a faerie shaman!!!

Sherman Hemsley: Hems, hems, get it? because i made my fortune in dry cleaning...

George Jefferson: come on, little white girl with the freak pink bunny ears, dance with a GROOVE in your leg like this.

Louise Belcher: from now on everyone calls me Weezy Belcher.

Sneaux: Pokemon snow.

Tatiana despite her sapped energy makes it to the red fortress hanging precariously off the black melted cragface.

Tatiana: was sappening?

devil: ...

Tatiana: i figured you wouldn't be a Cheech & Chong fan, you don't understand the concept of cool. you smell like hot dog water, boy.

devil: shut up. my mommy says i didn't get any dates because i have a hereditary biological condition that makes my sweat smelly.

Tatiana: yeah it's called sin. why don't you leave the rest of us alone. don't blame us for your shortcomings. it's not our fault you flunked out of school.

devil: you know that really was the worst insult you could have used on me, my favorite food is hot dogs.

Tatiana: *sigh* i really have to find a good place, a distraction, a feeling of past happiness. Head of the Class makes me happy. i pretend i'm Miss Meara from that show, especially that 1990 Christmas episode, you know the one where that smart blonde high school student tries to find her birth mom. turns out she's adopted, who knew? there's such a feeling of WARMTH and peace and comfort back there in 1990, that things are going to be okay, things are going in the right direction. turns out the USSR stuff was overblown, right? a calmness home and abroad. Miss Meara wears innocent sexy black lingerie underneath her raincoat as she visits her secret man, that Scottish teacher with the THICK brogue accent no one could understand not even him or his Scottish mother. and OF COURSE the students catch Miss Meara accidentally stripping. the students were outside upstairs in the glass loft peeking like church mice. Miss Meara was returning a kindness, the Scottish teacher man with cabbage for hair found out her most precious nostalgic memory from childhood was her Easy-Bake Oven so he got her the last Easy-Bake Oven at Toys R Us in Times Square. imagine that, Easy-Bake Ovens were scarce even in 1990!!! *sigh* i should have been a teacher like Miss Meara...