DAD WRITING FOR ZALMAN KING: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S YOU

 

Jen and i are invited to the house of Zalman King and Patricia Louisianna Knop.

Jen R: it's not a house, it's an art house.

me: let's take this opportunity to explore.

Jen: i'm sure they won't mind.

we see the entire square area lined with TINY red-clay pots. 

Jen: and sword ferns. you know it's a hip pad when the front door SLIDES.

me: see i've always wanted this for you and me. a husband and wife not just of love but of art.

Jen: GIANT marble statues in every color in the living room. with faces like Mayan gods and goddesses yet also strangely the faces of our family, friends, and neighbors...

Kevin Costner: the Color of the Year is Cloud Dancer White. remember when i was Dances With Wolves? i was more genial towards and accepting of people who didn't look like me. integrative of different cultures. one with the Indians, not the cowboys. i gotta stop doing those Fox specials...

Apple phones: we took a VapoShower...

VICKS: should have been called VapoHaler.

Clint Eastwood: the musical song should have been "Paint My Wagon" to have it be the gay anthem we all wanted it to be.

Cindy Bear: i should have stayed in my cave to avoid covid...

tidings: only on Christmas.

Blue McDonald: how many times do i have to say it? even if you're a whore the meaning of life is FRIENDS. sometimes you only find friends at school...

Blue McDonald: my favorite song? "Rock Around the Clock," i guess. i hate farms. poodle skirts are so chintzy, i'd rather have a poodle.

Bart Braverman: i have the standard Native American name. so what am i doing on the set of Vega$? i should be doing Dances With Wolves and Northern Exposure. oh, the casinos, that's dirty rotten lowdown.

what's the meaning of this?: nobody says this anymore.

Sophie Throckmorton: you thought i was gonna be the villainess, huh?...

Zalman King: so what? so what if i offer you a writing contract? what episode will you contribute to add to the Red Shoe Diaries lore? 

Zalman: wait, let me turn my back to you. not out of rudeness, so you can sign the contract.

Jen: this is such a '90s thing, remember when people used their backs as tables?

dad: well i was thinking of the Amber Smith episode.

Udo Kier: why must i always play the weirdo? look at my face. do i look like i'm hiding something?

dad: the Bulgarian revolutionary, remember?

Patricia: oh yeah.

dad: picture it: a Bulgarian revolutionary. barechested in a silk shirt on a hill. and the single mother in peasant garb who's forced to flee her cow farm after her soldier husband dies in the war. what happens when these two literally bump into each other, bump heads, when they're both running away fleeing their country...

Zalman: milk farm, i get it, i like it. lots of milk everywhere. 

Patricia: the open fields. we'll have a lovemaking scene next to a cow.

Jen: another stupid war. war is stupid, it has never solved anything. not even a cold snap. the only thing war is good for is war romance...

dad: i'll write THAT episode...