CURSING THE GOOD GUYS: P90X

 

Stuart Scott: are you kidding me? someone as COOL as me should not have met the end i did. it's unthinkable.

cold universe: it is what it is.

Stu: do you know what being cool means? the concept of coolness?

cold universe: ...

Stu: do you even know what BOO-YAH is?

cold universe: ...

Stu: Navy thunderstorms?

cold universe: i don't pay attention to the weather on Earth...

Stuart: it started off precariously enough, with the bionic eye i was given. but you know, that turned out to be a blessing, it was a good thing, it made me different. i couldn't see like everyone else, i saw in WAVES OF RAINBOW COLOR like the hyperspace scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey, that was cool.

Rob Reiner: when did niceness leave the land?

we're benedicting over a cereal container once from Small Wonder but now in the iconic row of Jerry's apartment kitchen on Seinfeld.

Jen R: do the thing.

me: dad i miss you, but thank you for Jen. i wish you were still here, but bringing Jen to me was a blessing.

Jen: that is so wholesome. i am your dad in female form.

me: how you feelin?

Jen: YOU're the one who's sick, remember? you always do that. you're the one with the pale face. Pepto Bismol is the real MVP.

me: there's never Pepto in the cupboard when you need it.

Jen: the MINUTE you start to feel queasy from that stupid burrito you ate, take the Bismol.

Joyce Bulifant as a brunette: better than pep pills.

Jen: it SOOTHES your stomach. it's like old chalky antacid tabs from 1975 in liquid-gold pink form. it's nice and BUBBLY. i need to use the toilet.

me: okay but i was in the middle of a nice soothing poo. i'm gonna have to go back to the bathroom when you're done and restart my poo proceedings. 

Oolong: the inside of my ears are bacon.

capybara: don't worry, i'm a giant hamster.

Michelle Branch: i went to a Diddy party, but all i did was smoke weed and eat tacos with Owen Wilson.

Owen Wilson: wasn't me. i went to a Diddy party but all i did was eat pepperoni pizza with Reggie Miller.

Anthony Geary: what a shame, i was the only actor who could have played Matt Frewer as that alien-artifact collector in the bathrobe with the knowing full-face ten-gallon smirk on Star Trek: The Next Generation...

Zalman King: the best hookers are the best liars. 

Patricia Louisianna Knop: and the best actors are the best liars.........there is no connection...

Kelly: you just never know...

The New York Knicks: NBA (Cup) champions.

Stuart Scott: i worked out like a demon. every day i did a RIGOROUS STRENUOUS 7-hour exercise session of P90X so hard my body became a shell. i was so EXHAUSTED after my bionic eye went blurry. and the WHOLE TIME you knew this was useless, none of this mattered, none of this would stave off, the result was in the offing, the end was foretold, just a matter of time, carried out silently and swiftly like a drop of Jupiter.

cold universe: ...

Stu: that, my friend, is the very definition of CRUEL.