FLOWER STATION: CATHOLIC CHOCOLATE

 

Brad: jeez, just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean you're the boss of me.

Angie: just come up to the counter please, i want to show you the hydrangeas.

Brad: oh yeah, they're like blue LUSH bath bombs.

Angie: now what is the root word of hydrangea?

Brad: ...

Angie: have you been watering them? keeping them HYDRATED?

Brad: no, i figured it's in the name, they get rain from within.

Angie: have you been giving them sunlight?

Brad: Safeway has a sunroof, right?

Angie: i worry about you, man, you keep the scissors OPEN in your toolbelt, the blades are right next to your penis.

Brad: nothing achieves the STRAFING effect of the ribbon, only smoothing it with an open-bladed scissors can do that. 

Jen R: 2026, that is such a year From The Future, you know? like in the '80s when we thought of "the future," we thought of the year 2026...

Jen R: you know if you had to apologize to me, i'm not a flowers girl is what i'm saying.

me: what then?

Jen: chocolate. give me a box of those chocolate bars we had to sell for St. Cyril's in the '80s, remember? they were cool. LONG SKINNY sectioned-off bars of light-brown chocolate with those BIG-ASS pistachios hidden inside the chocolate in the white-sleeve cigar wrappers. sponsored by the mob. green nuts scared me as a child, i thought they were radioactive.

me: want me to jog the original Jogathon course around our K-8 school?

Jen: sure, the chalk outline is still there, it never rains in L.A....

Coffee Flakes: a Tim & Eric breakfast food.

Harry & David: we LOVE that manger hay...

Bach: sadly, if i go to the beach, my skin will burn. Brach's caramels melt in the sun.

Shorey Wesen is fucking Gordon Ramsay in the wine cellar. they are both naked as they do this.

Gordon Ramsay: there you go, daring, there it is, my French onion dip all over your body.

Shorey: your cock is still dripping cum. what is that, your Hidden Valley Ranch?

Gordon: not anymore.

Shorey: why don't you come on my grandpa Jacques Pepin's cooking show?

Gordon: he's the only French man i fear.

ambiverts: we're the ones writing our novels at the party.

PBS: our good stuff is at 11PM...

pizza: a large quiche.

Weezer "Buddy Holly": this whole time you thought the lyric was that's fu-u-ucked up..."

Luke Russert: i look like if Shemp had a mustache now.

Robert Reich: i nearly spit out my coffee when i read these numbers.........Berkeley is known for its coffee, Berkeley has these severe dark Eastern European coffeehouses...

New Year's: ain't nobody got time for your year-end best-of 1-10 collections!!! it's New Year's, people are busy!!!

Jess Elena: not a porn star.

wasting time: you either have too much time or not enough time, these are the two types of wasting time, either way you're wasting time...

Rafael Eisenman: i look like Arnold Schwarzenegger OFF steroids.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: i subtly am the richest man in the world...

Jami Gertz: i had NO idea when i was in the dirt doing Solarbabies that i'd end up like this...

Nespresso: steampunk coffee pods...

Tatiana Schlossberg: i don't know what death is, but i'll keep trying to remember...

Kennedy Curse: i am a real quantifiable celestial curse.

Tatiana: whenever there's another ocean that's saved, i'll be there...

Brad: you a candy girl when it comes to forgiveness?

Angie: um, flowers.

Brad: makes sense. you know what my favorite candy is? those bubblegum cigars.

Angie: oh yeah, but they're only at baby showers.

Brad: yeah, i can never taste them because men don't go to baby showers.

Angie: tell you what, let me blindfold you with this sunflower blindfold here and i'll give you a taste of that baby shower life. hint hint. just like they do at reveal parties...

Angie slowly wraps the fold over Brad's eyes, sensually cuts the bubblegum cigars into sections with the open scissors away from his view, and sexily feeds the bubblegum cigars into Brad's wet mouth.

Brad chews slowly, savoring each bite, smelling the sugar.

Brad: yummy. 

Angie: you're the first man to describe gum as yummy.

Brad: wait, these are the blue cigars, right? blueberry? not bubblegum.

Angie: yeah so?

Brad: alright i've just about HAD ENOUGH of all this!!! i see what's going on around here!!!