Michael German: can you heal me, doc?
Bede: no. you're a doctor, heal yourself.
Michael: that's a cop-out!!!
Bede: as it says in the Good Book, do people read The Bible anymore? The Bible's in paperback now, right? physician, heal thyself. quack cures are a dime a dozen. nappies are numerous. easy-fixes are easy. what you need is a deep-tissue-massage of your soul.
Michael: mom told me about people like you. where do i get one of those?
Bede: what's the problem?
Michael: beautiful women flirt with me all the time at work.
Bede: sounds like a personal problem to me.
Michael: no it's a public problem because i need your help. also, my neck hurts, i can't move my neck side-to-side.
Bede: there seems to be a lot of that going around.
Michael: my doctorship taught me about your monkitude.
Bede: that's a monk with attitude.
Michael: and a monk with ALTITUDE as you live high on this mountain.
Bede: and high on marijuana. we grow the pot here, our own personal THC field, no one disturbs us up here because no one knows. that's what the monks do all day with those rakes you see everywhere. you can't be surprised, we monks need SOME dope to cope.
Michael: my patient, his mom, whenever she laughs watching the "Thanksgiving Orphans" episode of Cheers or football in the snow she starts to cough continuously for hours. that triggers her small diaphragm. i actually really feel bad for her.
Bede: are you sure you're not just jealous she still experiences the joy of laughter and you do not?
Michael: she's a saint, she has a pious laugh, you'd like her.
Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Wesley T. Owens from Mr. Belvedere split a holodeck.
Wesley Crusher: we are The Two Wesleys, The Two Great Wesleys of the 1980s.
Wesley T. Owens: did i die from an overdose?
Corey Haim: spacedust was Saturday Morning Cereal.
Wesley T. Owens: who was the better Wesley?
Wesley Crusher: my mom would have healed your dad's nagging baseball injury so he wouldn't have had to even MEET that damn British butler.
Chiaotzu: am i supposed to be the Butters of Dragon Ball?
Kenny: why am i a character on South Park?
Goku: hey Chiaotzu, i got you a Chia Pet for Christmas.
Chiaotzu: GOKU TALKED TO ME!!!
Goku: a Bob Ross Chia Pet. my hair is wackier than Bob Ross's hair.
Sid and Nancy.
The Three Stooges: this feels like one of our operas.
Nancy Spungen: damn, i really look like Courtney Love in this scene.
Michael Jackson: this looks like the set of my Pepsi commercial when i caught my illustrious hair on fire.
Nancy: i'm calling you Sod, not Sid.
Jen R at the Hotel Chelsea in New York City: i mean when two lovers in a bed talk, shouldn't it be about the future? not about death?
grandma: fib, when's the last time you heard the word fib?
Phil Donahue: the methadone clinic, that was so '80s.
Geraldo: is that like meth?
Phil Donahue: remember Thanksgiving in the '80s?
uncle: what are your intentions with our Nancy?
Sid Vicious: noddy-blinkums, grandpa sir. peppermint schnapps for Happy Christmas.
John Davidson: '70s rec room with Pong.
at the motel room with buckets of KFC.
Sid: Nancy, your folks are such nice people. i never knew your grandma had such big tits!!!
at the methadone clinic.
Sy Richardson, caseworker: as long as you're on drugs, nobody will take anarchy seriously. and anarchy NEEDS to be taken seriously to combat the CIA's dumb-making smack.
Sid and Nancy: what are these drinks?
Sy: orange juice cures drug addiction.
Sid: hey i sound pretty good solo when i'm imitating The Clash.
Nancy: was it love or a suicide pact?
Sid: isn't that what love is?
Johnny Rotten: Public Image Ltd. was my attempt at New Order.
Ellen DeGeneres: i'm here in Britain, i live here now and i'm never going back to the United States.........i just DID what everyone WANTS to do. i have two roommates: Portia de Rossi and Eva Longoria.
Helen Roper: Winstanley.
Sid: school lockers should have padlocks, not combination locks. steamed fish and melon in all school cafeterias. Guns N' Roses as your junior-prom band. Siouxsie and the Banshees as your senior-prom band. i'm not gonna stick my tongue out and flash the V-finger flickoff fuckoff just to please the masses. this is a serious discussion about the broken educational system in the UK.
John Lydon: i'm not always angry like i was portrayed in this film. champagne and baked beans? i'm non-Scouse British, beans are always in tomato sauce, so Bloody Marys are my drink. bloody Bloody Marys. it's not my fault the actor who played me is a shortarse bean-slurper. i am not the lead singer of The Psychedelic Furs.
drug dealer: you two are RUDE!!! you aren't punks, you are one rudeboy and his rudegirl!!!
Wimpy: i find that a hamburger is the perfect distraction...
Courtney Love: Kurt and i weren't the grunge Sid and Nancy, Howard Stern called me a hog, not a junk hog. and i could never with that poor cat.
Greykid with majestic stride: Cat Vicious is not cool. put a flea collar on a cat, not a spiked punk collar no matter how cool it is. we cats follow our own muse.
Kurt Cobain: cats are punk rock.
Robert De Niro: oy, why wasn't MY taxicab all magic like that?
Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day singing at Berkeley Plaza: i wanna be a Minority.........actually what i really want to be is Minor Threat.
dad: down with the Moral Majority!!! yeah i always loved that Green Day song, i was never much a fan of the Moral Majority either.
me: oh dad, what innocent times you lived in, oh papa, that was NOTHING compared to the INSANITY we have today.
Lisa Simpson: The Simpsons now, right? our show no longer inspires the nostalgia it once did, now it only inspires anger.
Tina Belcher: Bob's Burgers, too, our show is a GRIND.
Star Wars: Skeleton Crew: it's Captain EO!!!
FDA inspector on Check, Please! Bay Area: how the fuck do i make enough money for a plate of 36 oysters every weekend?!!!
Leslie Sbrocco: where does people's money come from? i've never been able to figure that out. did you check the food for lice?
at the WB Ranch.
Teen Titans animators: Warner Bros. has been very very good to us. we HATE that we had to do fucking 400 motherfucking episodes of this stupid show. but it fed our bellies. and it fed our beliefs, it made us religious. it made us have kids.
Roger Federer: gracias, Rafa. vamos.
Rafael Nadal: don't gracias Rafa me, i've known your GAME from the start. how do you thank your trashmen in the Friday morning?
Roger: i say to them gracias, garbagemen.
Rafa: see?!!! if it wasn't for tennis I'D be one of those trashmen!!! a trashman from Mallorca.
Gary Kildall: you know, decaf coffee smells just as RICH as caf coffee.
Bede: you're a handsome man.
Michael German: thank you.
Bede: no, that's your problem. you have those piercing blue eyes.
Michael: women are attracted to me, my wife hates that.
Bede: but these people are your patients, they're not flirting with you, they want you to heal them. i won't heal your neck that can't move side-to-side, so you won't have to look at any more pretty ladies.
Michael: my wife thanks you.
Bede: to a monk that means nothing.
Michael: you know i never understood lollipops. the lollipops i hand out to my patients, especially the adult patients. i just want to suck the candy, i don't need the stick!!! what's the point of the stick?!!! just sell the candy!!!
Bede: you don't have a sweet tooth, you have cavities.
Michael: got anything for the pain, doc?
Bede: MONK FUDGE!!! it's the only thing we're allowed to make as monks in this hellhole we call the monastery. the only food we're allowed to eat. and drink. it's the only thing we're allowed to sell. fill your piehole with the saints' sugar.
Michael: isn't fruitcake a pie?
Bede: lop your sweet tooth clean off!!! with monk fudge. with Catholic chocolate.
Michael: my second opinion is you use sugar as your substitute for sex.
Bede: the neck thing is your penance. what is your Confession?
Michael: mom was right. mom wanted me to be a dentist, not an ears/nose/throat, not a swallow doctor.
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