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Martin Yan and Leslie Sbrocco are aboard the Mark Twain Steamboat traveling down the REAL Amazon River.
Martin Yan: this sure beats the Jungle Cruise, toots.
Leslie Broccoli: i only go to Disneyland for the food. at least call me baby, but you're no Mike Myers. i must say, i FINALLY am able to say i went to a place BELOW the Equator. the South, you know? this is not what i was expecting, it's not like the Jungle Cruise, it's not fun and gay, it's a dangerous expedition, a trek filled with coiled river snakes and a shirtless hairy-chest Humphrey Bogart who turns you down.
Martin: i mean let it be at least like Over the Garden Wall, you know? a rave inside the steamboat at night. a rave doesn't have yellow lights, only purple lights...
the ship hits a snag when its stern gets caught on a raft of crowding vines thick with green and purple veins.
Martin: the dense Brazilian understory. but when will my overstory end?...
Leslie: looks like this is our stop. our unplanned stop. our jungle stop.
Martin: like an unplanned pregnancy, we're about to learn the origin of browning...
President Biden: remember covid?...
Santa Claus: hey it's not MY fault Christmas is ruined, blame Dan Casagrande, he's the Grinch.
Dan Casagrande: i actually look more like the Snow Miser...
Nina Gordon, laughing: nose blind?
Louise Post: yeah, i can't smell your stinky songs.
Nina: don't use a sugar bowl, use a bowl of vinegar...
Ball State: our mascot is the Blink angel...
political discourse on PBS: hey, this is PBS, no need to shout, just talk normally. even the Republican can talk with his normal speaking voice...
Shel Silverstein: do you think that you fall from the tangerine tree?...
Tony Soprano: yous don't really think too hard on these sorts of things, but the esteemed Princeton University is in New Jersey...
Candlebox "Far Behind": you start thinking about My So-Called Life...
Ms. Krause: compound words will be the death of you...
Jen R: when you take your two Vanquish, writing your short story for the day GLIDES from your fingers, FLOWS off your fingers, the words GLISTEN on the page.
me: right? the keyboard is no pain.
Paul Rudd: i'm a professional tennis player from Norway. maybe if i hand out water to The Rock to be our next President...
Gavin Newsom: hey Cloobeck, get a clue. you don't fool Californians, you're one of those greasy Miami Vice wannabes. i'm the one running for President next!!! i can't have you making our lives even MORE unbearably red. when i become President, i'm bringing back Clu Clu Land!!! it'll be the '80s again in California, all warm and fuzzy and snugly.
After Hours.
Martin Scorsese: i like Cheech & Chong, so sue me. i saw them at a comedy club in Tijuana, i was the only one there not smoking the stuff. i really wanted to just hone in on Cheech Marin's inflection in his voice when he tells his jokes.
Cheech: my jokes are smarter than they appear...
diner Mel: wait a minute, you aren't coming back, are you. nobody orders a rare burger.
Checkpoint Charlie at the punk bar: all club bouncers are musclemen with a degree in Czech Existentialist Literature, like Henry Rollins...
me: college degrees are Kafkaesque...
Griffin Dunne: come on, let me in the club, i'm handsome and i have Jewel teeth. come on, let me in Club Berlin, i have the German sense of hopelessness.
me: I DON'T WANT ENTERTAINMENT!!!
Gregg Turkington: ...
Gregg Turkington: i'm not seedy, the clubs are.
me: Griffin Dunne is me when i get angry, i get that raspy wheezy Gremlins voice.
Jen R: when you get angry, it's not so much a spasm of anger as you get spastic...
The Warriors in a Mr. Softee truck...
A Clockwork Orange music...
Jen R: a conceptual-art party only happens in a SoHo loft...
Rockets Redglare: watch Sid and Nancy, it clears me...
Bad Brains: "Pay to Cum" is not a song about semen, it has a more elevated meaning.
Toto: the original name of our band was Surrender Dorothy but we didn't want to do just cum songs.
Save Ferris: ...
Peggy Lee: "Is That All There Is" is a GOTH song, not a country song.
Bjork: not even i can be THIS goth.
Thomas Mann: i was the first Goth Existentialist...
Julie Patzwald: it's a song about a French housefire...
Ana de Armas: ...
Griffin Dunne: i just want to live.
Martin Scorsese: every film is Existential...
Ingmar Bergman wearing a Marvel hat: ...
Martin Scorsese with a twinkle in his eye: a stereo's a stereo, but art lasts forever.........wink wink, get it? the forever art i'm referring to here is THIS film of mine.
Michael Weiss on Instagram: anytime. i'm always here for you on DM if you want to talk.........or think.........or fuck.
Alan Watts: to escape your circumstances, fly into yourself.
Trinity the cat: i really don't like being moved. in winter i want to nestle next to your legs on the bed blanket at night and stay there. or i vom in protest.
me: vom?
Trinity: vomit. i'm trying to hibernate here!!!
Alan Watts: make your decision in a couple of weeks.
Michelangelo: art is forever. so is back pain. there was no Vanquish in Renaissance Italy. not even a Doan's.
Rockets Redglare: Nancy Spungen? honest, i have no idea. i'm a colorful storyteller. i soaked up Nancy Spungen's stories like a sponge. i was a taxi driver in Desperately Seeking Susan so i'm in the clear with Marty Scorsese, right? Marty will protect me...
Roger Federer: hit your forehand so it distracts the wind.
David Foster Wallace: yeah.
Martin Yan: yeah.
Marvin Mattelson: i won't take credit for Bede's predicament, but i DID do the Chant album cover of monks in the clouds which sold a billion units.
Piano from Dragon Ball descends on the duo in the party boat. he's a tranquil pterodactyl with a calm easygoing demeanor despite his working for King Piccolo. he wears a cool magic robe.
Piano: SIT UP AT ATTENTION!!! my master King Piccolo will be here shortly to show you why browning on food tastes so good. it was all because of that meteor that struck the Earth lo those many years ago in Mexico and obliterated the dinosaurs. except me and my master. that meteor caused the Maillard Reaction on Earth.
Martin Yan: makes sense.
Hello Meteor: wasn't me.
Billy Corgan: nothing to do with the taste of mayonnaise.
Piano lifts his long slender piano-playing finger and Leslie Sbrocco and Martin Yan slowly RISE up into the sky to where King Piccolo is in the sky. with an evil grimace King Piccolo stares at the hot blonde then shoots a devastating meteor from his green finger that burns the Amazon Rainforest in a fireball of blaze.
Smokey Bear: don't worry, this actually helps the Amazon Rainforest regrow stronger than before.
King Piccolo: *evil laugh* i did that to the dinosaurs!!!
Leslie Sbrocco: no you didn't, you weren't born yet, you were born in the '80s...
Piano: she's right, sire, i have your Jane Fonda poster to prove it.
Goku Jr.: why do you destroy your own kind?.........nevermind...
Leslie, softly: you're not attractive to me, Piccolo. i'm all about the soil. it's about not the terror but the terroir.
later that night the massive crater in the forest floor creates enough ember heat to form a food campfire around which three are stationed.
Leslie: one thing i don't get, how do you cook the sides of a Hillshire Farm Lit'l Smokie? it's very easy to achieve umami in food, it's rather difficult to achieve the flavor of SMOKE.
Martin: those tiny-ass sausages?
Leslie: Martin, look at my face and remember, it's your mother's birthday today. soon i will be a mother because of this cruise with you...
Martin: shhh, lady.
Leslie, sternfaced: what do i have to do to get a reaction out of you?
Martin: Piano here is about to explain to us two lowly humans how to brown the sides of a Lit'l Smokies.
Leslie: i understand now: browning makes love better.
Piano uses his beak to turn the Lit'l Smokies in the Dutch Oven over the campfire...
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