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Brother Bede: so as a monk i'm the DJ for a podcast that explores boring religious issues and the weeds growing around the monastery this month. i gotta spice it up so i started thinking about my previous life as a psychiatrist, my patients were CRAZY yo, they had stories for DAYS. let's inject some energy into these problems in the morning.
Jen R: drivetime under the Holland Tunnel. i love your headphones with a cross on each head.
Bede: thank you. our *cough* i mean my first patent is you.
me: can you call me Brother Talmadge?
Bede: no.
me: just me and the cats.
Bede: we know your cats' names.
me: i'm here with my cats in the booth. the talk booth. cat person here. Talia, why do you startle so whenever i laugh?
Talia: because it looks like you're about to sneeze.
Trinity: or spasm.
Greykid: i'm a Chartreux, but don't confuse my yellow eyes for a Maltese, i'm high-bred like buttered toast.
me: it's the strangest thing, Trinity HOPS onto my computer desk, goes INTO me, saunters on top of the keyboard where i'm typing, and jumps onto the bed. instead of just going PAST the computer desk and straight on a clear path on the carpet to jump onto my bed.
Trinity: because, bro, i'm a cat, i make things harder on myself. cats don't follow the rules of nature, we follow our own internal compass. our memories are worse than elephants'. if i snip i snip, a quick bite to get your attention. life isn't easy, life isn't about jumping through a few Bela Karolyi hoops and landing the Olympic gold medal on a busted ankle that landed funny.
Suzy Lu at McDonald's.
McDonald's: i thought you liked Burger King, our fried burgers are disgusting, remember?
Suzy Lu: i like to burn stuff. like your apple pies. like your burgers to make them char-grilled. half cut.
McDonald's: our iced tea?
Suzy: no, drunk.
at the SNL Weekend Update Desk.
Michael Che: why did Bump have to win? these next four years are gonna be ROUGH.........for ME!!! how am i supposed to do my job of making fun of the President without getting harassed on Twitter on Sunday morning?.........by the President himself!!!
Colin Jost: debates truly do not matter...
Kamala Harris: Gretchen Whitmer, Gavin Newsom, The Rock, Oprah...
Lorne Michaels: don't put me on your Enemies List, Mr. President, i know i look like i run the Department of Justice but i'm just on Mad Men...
Bowen Yang: can i still be me? can i still have fun? can i still let loose WITHOUT a gin with my gays?
Chappell Roan: your fellow gay icons. i voted for Kamala, right?...
Bowen: at the After Hours bar after the show as we gossip HARD about how we really feel, how it REALLY is.
Toto: "She's Like the Wind" sounds like our song "Hold the Line" but slowed-down.
Patrick Swayze: but can you dance?
me: Patrick-to-Patrick energy.
Wendy Fraser: Brendan is my bastard son, he did good.
Wendy Fraser: faith, when the music is Adult Contemporary, it's about faith...
BM: Beautiful Music.
the large window pane on the bus stop in the morning frosted over like a Storybook International winter tale...
Michael Weiss: the minute you're gone, they're gone, that's Instagram.
Jeffrey Tambor, acting coach: don't act like me, don't be annoying...
Michael Weiss: when you're typing DMs on Instagram, JUST use commas...
Sid and Nancy.
Dirg: this is the unsexiest sex i've ever seen.
Johnny Rotten: sex is vile, ugly and, above all, boring.
Nancy Spungen: are you guys punks because you can't get any?
Johnny: you ain't getting any of that hippie Free Love shit here in this people pile on the dirty floor of a smelting factory in London, sweetheart. you Americans are OBSESSED with sex.
Nancy: it's not just Americans or you wouldn't be here...
Sid Vicious: who are the real punks? us or these schoolchildren hitting cars on the street with their wood field-hockey sticks...
Alicia Silverstone in the Aerosmith music video: ...
Johnny Rotten: kinda got a raw deal, Sid fucks Nancy while i play with my toy red firetruck...
Nancy: i mean aren't you asexual or something?...
Johnny: i think i'm aromantic.
Jen R: shrimping. see? shrimping, the ripping of nylons, the sucking of toes. fishnet feet, catches punks in their feelings every time...
Sex Pistols: it's like those Olympics boats, bridging the England/France divide.
bobbies on boats: party boats? that's a frat thing, not a punk thing!!!
Johnny Rotten: i wanted to be a police like you but my hair...
Sid: Nancy, where's the key to this lock-locket necklace you gave me?
Nancy: i swallowed it like i swallowed your cock, that's why i have a silver tongue...
Nancy: Sid, why do you wear a Fraggle Rock shirt?...
in the red telephone box.
Nancy: mom, can you wire us $200 for our wedding?
Nancy's mom: now honey, you cannot marry that hooligan.
Sid: i hate soccer, mum.
Nancy's mom: he doesn't love you. he's using you. now before you say anything, your father is a fan of the punk rock and the rubberbanding your arm to needle it for drugs and anarchy.
me: i wear my blue beanie on my head to bed. in the middle of the night i hear cat sounds. when i wake up in the morning my blue beanie is GONE, nowhere to be found, disappeared.
Jen R: don't crane your neck looking under your bed for your blue beanie, that's bad for your whiplash neck.
me: i have to, my head gets cold during the night.
Jen R: looking like Encyclopedia Brown without a flashlight.
Bede: monks can't have flashlights because we have cavities...
Encyclopedia Brown: reading War and Peace in the dark as a kid hurt my eyes. my eyes forever fucked, that's why i wear glasses...
Jen R: i'll gift you a new blue knit cap for Thanksgiving...
Melissa Maker: toque?...
mom: you could always wear one of MY Gloria Swanson head-covering bejeweled turbans from Sunset Boulevard...
video gamers: hey bro, we're not NFL football players, let's stop posing for photos with our biceps out like this...
Mashle: 105.9 million viewers watched our series finale...
Jen R and i attend the Mrs. Roper Romp in San Diego.
Jen R: like me in my Mrs. Roper caftan?
me: you're my fantasy woman, with that wig...
Jen: why do you always wear that blue beanie on your head?
me: it keeps all my thoughts in my head like David Foster Wallace.
Jen accidentally bumps Pam Hiltunen off the pier...
Pam Hiltunen: honest mistake, my center of gravity is loopy, i'm top-heavy...
Jen: any tuna down there?...
Jen: you're looking very handsome in your Jack Tripper mustache.
me: from that ONE AND ONLY episode...
Jen: you almost ran off with your 6th Grade English teacher Ms. Krause?
me: yeah, everyone in the class was afraid of her but she intrigued me, we could have had a Children of a Lesser God relationship...
Ms. Krause: kid i coulda fast-tracked you through the Shakespeare stage circuit but 6th Grade happens just once...
in the Mrs. Roper crowd.
Helen Roper: and the Mrs. Roper Romper is.........a caftan. a psychedelic caftan.
Audra Lindley: i am ALIVE to witness this glorious event!!! Stanley choked on his cocoa and died.
David Byrne wearing the Big Suit: the Big Suit continues in the tradition of the zoot suit...
Jen R dressed as Mrs. Roper drenched in beads: can i do it? *cupping the palm of her hand to the lips of her soft-painted mouth* STAAAAAANLEY, DINNERRRRR!!!.....
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