Michael German: what's the main problem?
me: incontinence.
Michael German checks underneath mom's bed in her bedroom.
Michael: simple solution.
me: yeah i've tried everything: bedpan, green liner sheet under her, a sturdy cotton thick pad sheet under.
Michael: you know in Medieval times the bedpan was wood. all you have to do is get her a waterbed.
me: what?
Michael: think about it...
me: OMFG!!!, i exclaim in the room.
i'm not sure if i should share this with Michael German, it's such a private moment, you know? i found a lucky penny nestled in the beige shag carpet of mom's bedroom!!!
dad: now THAT is a find. THAT really means something. do you know how hard that is to achieve?
Kurt Cobain at Unplugged.
Kurt Cobain: the final stirring song i played in that ballroom was Lead Belly "Where Did You Sleep Last Night." i performed it in a startlingly macabre morose manner.
Lead Belly: turns out you had a worse leadbelly than me...
Julie Patzwald is REALLY organizing this time, getting the name of the new goth band in order.
Julie Patzwald: Optimum Opium.
the rest of the band goth-smile.
Mk.gee: Alesis.........not my song, those cool sleek black pentagon-shaped electronic drums.
Mordecai from Regular Show: The Jets "Crush on You" drums!!!
Doryce: performance pad, not my Depend pampers panties.
Eye Luggage: Surmise Sunrise, that's my contribution to the name. am i the drummer now? i have a lot of free time, i don't watch movies anymore. isn't this more electropop than goth?...
Julie Patzwald: take five, guys. hey, why isn't there Peppermint Coke for the holidays?...
Santa Claus: Spiced Coke, what the fuck were they THINKING?!!!
Chewbacca: life debt.
Han Solo: no, i mean i have a life's worth of debt, i owe the space government a trillion dollars, the space bank is gonna take my Millennium Falcon and house.
Mk.gee: what Beck wishes he still was...
Beck: every person has a phone, every artist is a bedroom artist. every artist is now lo-fi...
Suzy Lu: i'm crazier than Mariah Carey about Christmas. i put a Christmas tree in my bathroom. there's a tree in the loo!!!
Steejo: that's why i can never shower and am perennially stinky as a Scottish scouse.
Bryan Brown in Cocktail mixing drinks: the jigger is symbolic. do you see it? two sides of the coin, Days of our Lives hourglass, light and dark.
Tom Cruise: i see a way to get double-drunk...
Jillian Clare: Days of our Lies.........if i go to Wellesley it's like the election never happened...
She's Having a Baby.
at the oil-drum fire.
baby: daddy, don't burn your book because it didn't sell, Shakespeare can only be understood if your brain is frozen.
Robin Williams: if a book you write doesn't sell, you can't call it a novel. the T.S. in T.S. Garp stands for Tough Shit.
Elizabeth McGovern: i'm the asshole who married you.
Kevin Bacon: THAT should have been our wedding vows.
all suburban neighbors wear a Green Day Dookie shirt...
impetigo: sorry for going to school. sorry for visiting the school nurse, i have a crush on her. don't worry, it's just Spaghetti-Os...
David Foster Wallace: you wanna be a writer? go to New York.........it'll be okay.
Alec Baldwin: the only time the word torpid has been used in ANY film.
Kevin Bacon: there's more to life than getting laid.
Jerry Seinfeld: there's futons.
Kevin: who knew there'd be an '80s dance club with hip underground techno music and a neon bathroom with a heart mirror here in Kansas?...
Isabel Garcia Lorca: i'm not a scary stalker, i have a Spanish accent, i'm no Glenn Close. it's destiny, i'm related to that dreamy writer Fed Lorca...
Federico Garcia Lorca: in this case 27 was a GOOD number, not an X'd-out Generation...
Kurt Cobain: the generation gap, am i right? i never wore GAP.
Kevin's ad-art boss: jumping off the Michigan Avenue Bridge is a sign that you will NEVER be satisfied.
Kevin: so i'm just supposed to never STRIVE to escape and be Robert Crumb?
Kevin's boss: suicides are never satisfied.
Anthony Bourdain: hmmm, now that i think about it...
Anthony Bourdain: is that the final meaning?
Anthony Bourdain: no it's more about reaching conclusions after you realize that you will never find what you're looking for no matter how long you search.
Jen R: this is the exact ad agency i worked at in NYC. i wrote ads by this advertisement atelier's skinny window over here while listening to Olivia Newton-John do Vaporwave in Xanadu. wait, the Portlandia Bridge?!!!...
Jen R: the whole Binaca'ing your penis that the guy does before sex, Binaca'ing his dick with breath spray by opening up his shorts, this was ONLY done in '80s movies.
Boc: Kevin Bacon has a nice package, who knew?
Jen R: do people still wear pajamas?
Robin Hood: i missed the target but hit the tree.
Maid Marian: ...
Kevin: Italian bicycle rider? you're in the wrong movie, Breaking Away is that way...
Jen R: 50-year-old stressed dads wore pacemakers in their hearts only in the '80s...
Bear Scouts: we're Cub Scouts but we'll be Boy Scouts soon. we're not NFL scouts. we have dreams, we'll be Lion Scouts some day. we have hope, unlike the Chicago Bears, whom we share a logo with...
Caleb Williams: can i talk to Ditka? i gotta get outta here, drop me off at that Wendy's over there...
Webelos: you're gonna make it through this...
Alejandro at Safeway: know how i just carry on day after day? i live like a forest rabbit. i live in the present. ALL THERE IS IS TODAY.
Carmen de Lavallade: Lavallade literally means stage, it's the perfect name for me.
Alvin Ailey: i was in Fame (1980), right? had to have been. dance is what heals what ails us. i cried choreographing Cry.
Judith Jamison: for all the mothers. i was in Fame (1980), right? had to have been. watch my episode of The Cosby Show, it's okay. can i talk to Lisa Bonet?...
Stephen King: Cooper Flagg is the strangest, weirdest, most macabre thing i have ever seen. i could never write a creature as bizarre as Cooper Flagg. a basketball player from Maine?...
laundry bag: nobody ever washes the laundry bag...
Abbot Butt: the age-gap cutoff seems to be 24...
me: i'm worried about my mom. she's had a hacking cough for three months now. she coughs all into the night, hasn't had one moment of sleep peace.
Michael German: dry or wet?
me: both.
Michael: probably allergies. cat dander all around her bedroom i'm assuming. i saw some cat dander in there when i visited. she doesn't like cats?
me: no it's not that. allergy medicine has no effect. she's allergic to allergy medicine.
Michael: I GOT IT!!! Vanquish. Vanquish cures all. even cough.
me: acetaminophen for cough? really?
Michael: you can't just go around checkerboarding every time life doesn't go your way. although flipping a checkers board over in a park does feel good. Vanquish gives me super-strength.
me: me too. when did you discover it?
Michael: the '90s for proms in Salinas.
me: those were terrible times. i saw my first Vanquish bottle when i was rummaging through my mom's purse for gum in a booth at an '80s McDonald's. i win.
me: so you wanna go to Chili's or something?
Michael: i don't like it when the chips are crispy.
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