MAILLARD IS A MYSTERY: VELVET BACON

 

Martin Yan is teaching bacon in a course at Chinatown University. his students pay rapt attention as their tongues wag to the smell of bacon in a wok. as Martin stirs his rough stained chipped and charred wok with his panache hand, he closes his eyes to profess.

Martin Yan: class, have you ever cooked bacon in a wok? 

Leslie Sbrocco in the crowd: sizzle makes me pizzle. 

Martin: without breakfast, there's no reason to get upon in the morning, you might as well sleep your life away.

Leslie: um, Professor Martin? Yan, my fam. how does the Maillard reaction work?

Martin Yan: that's a good question. oh yes, from the pretty blonde in the front. i sure hope you're a student in this class, i have twins, i haven't smashed in so long.

Leslie: i'm a little old to be a college student. i've been doing this taste-of-delicious shit for 20 years.

Martin: see that's the thing, NO ONE KNOWS how the Maillard Reaction works. all we know as humans is that it tastes fucking good. when you fry meat, the BROWNING of it makes the meat taste some kind of way. a different kind of way. confess, everyone in this cavernous smelly auditorium, raise your hand if the only way you've ever eaten bacon is by MICROWAVE.

the class raises its collective hand.

Martin: what a shame. what a crying shame. you haven't LIVED until you've tasted bacon that's been FRIED.

after hours. that is, professor's hours.

Martin: i hate Americans who use skillets.

Leslie: was i supposed to hear that? knock knock.

Martin: come on. i mean come in. 

Leslie: what say a handsome culinary professor and a ditzy wino solve this mystery.

Martin: my office hours are one hour.

Leslie: no, figuring out what causes the Maillard reaction. figuring out WHY browned food tastes better.

Martin: i need to ask my wife if i can travel willy-nilly like this, she's with the twins. adventure is forbidden in my country now.

Leslie: now that's a hard lick. i feel you, i know family, i haven't seen my husband in 20 years. everyone needs a Roz to their Ancilla, one of those friends who will NEVER leave you no matter HOW long you've been away. everyone has their sad-friends club.

Pablo Picasso: rooming with you in that little tumbledown apartment in the Tuscany hills changed my life.

Quincy Jones: man you were OBSESSING about the Blue thing like a motherfucker, annoying my black ass. i set you straight on what REAL blues were: jazz. 

Quincy: you know me, i'm not one to brag, or even humblebrag, but sometimes in life gods are made. i was one of those gods.

Picasso: let me sculpt you in milk of magnesia.

Quincy: look man, your paintings are cool but your sculptures are wack. you gotta sculpt with conscience, never lose your heart. don't be those sculptors outside who are doing "road work" on the exact day of the election so the black voters in the urban areas can't get to their polling places.

space heater: great way to heat up a room. but you can't put it anywhere.

Mr. Kotter: right? it's just a fire hazard, that's all it is. 

Chris Cornell: Soundgarden "Tighter & Tighter," now THAT's a deep cut...

Michael Weiss: i'm always awake. i get very little sleep. because i have Instagram followers in Bulgaria...

Peewit: ROOMIE!!!

Bede: no.

Thundarr the Barbarian: now do you see how important the Ozone Layer is?...

Storybook International "The Spoiled Son": his two parents argued about how his life should be, back and forth like a tennis ball. tennis hadn't been invented yet in Medieval times...

Roger Federer with a Little Lord Fauntleroy haircut: not true, tennis was invented the day cheese was invented...

me: you're my ultimate distraction.

Jen R: is this love?

Billy Corgan: i have sad eyes but they're not Stephen Rea sad eyes.

Father Ted from Father Ted: ...

Stephen Rea: my eyes are soft and gentle and reflect when i discovered what love is in The Crying Game.

Dolours Price: nothing to do with the IRA.

Stephen Rea: although you do have the perfect name...

Hell: you see an escape but you can't get to it...

Martin Yan: EVERYONE FORGETS THE SIDES.

Leslie Sbrocco: what do you mean?

Martin: when you're cooking sausages in a skillet, you fry one side and the other side but not the SIDES of the sausage, you gotta brown the SIDES, too. 

Leslie: fry your french fries. i'm from France by the way.

Martin: that explains the massive milky tits. 

Leslie: it's not milk unless it's French milk.

 

dad: a lucky penny in the POURING RAIN, that is magic.

Jackie Fitzgerald: Costa Rican silt...

Catalina: i can't just marry ANYONE in my Costa Rican village, i need to marry someone who EXCITES me.........in the city, not the village...

Jules Smith: you need me or you'll have no life.

me: i know.

Jules Smith: you need me to have your second act.

Hayao Miyazaki: Miyazaki Uzumaki, i would do Uzumaki with a spiral of flowers...

fortuneteller Steven De Jesus: the other guy looks like Jimmy Kimmel, i look like Allen Ginsberg.

the Burger King: hey, don't combine the two Double Cheeseburgers into one burger, it's not regal.

Burger King Double Cheeseburger: you know why i taste better than a Whopper? the mustard.

Glenn Frey: you got the eagers to see the Eagles?

me: i'm here when you get bored.

Jen R: is this love?

After Hours.

me: i need that remote control!!! that big bulky '80s hip-sized computer with push-buttons like a cash register!!!

Rosanna Arquette: Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller. you a fan of the band Live? i'm desperately seeking that sound in the '80s...

She's Having a Baby.

Alec Baldwin: DAMN i look YOUNG. i mean i got BABY FAT on my face!!!

Kevin Bacon: i'm nervous.

Alec Baldwin: pal of mine, say the word and we drive out of here, burning rubber by the church sidewalk. we do a Rory McIlroy on this whole wedding.

John Hughes: you need to get married now. you need her, but you won't realize you needed her until you're on your deathbed. i wish i had followed my own advice, movies are so much easier than life...   

Kevin Bacon: i'm young here, too. WHOA, i gotta be even YOUNGER in the boy-meets-girl bar in the '70s with Boston "More Than a Feeling" playing in the background!!!

Demi Lovato: my boyfriend is Eminem but he sings...

villain: i'm not a villain, i'm a supporter of Aston Villa, i'm a Villan.

Wayne Rooney: people called me a villain for having a weird Three Little Pigs face.

Justin Fashanu: people called me a villain for being gay.

TV: it's not just for gay men...

Tim Kaine: i did summer stock in college before i entered politics, that's why i was such a natural in that SNL skit...

dad: moment of silence for the Brothers Hildebrandt, their art on that paperback cover caught my eye that i bought that Fellowship of the Ring blue book and embarked on my lifelong Tolkien journey that endures to this day.

Dirg: i liked them, too.

dad: fantasy is not an excuse for bad thinking.

Ralph Bakshi: where's MY piece of the Brothers Hildebrandt pie? i never had a brother, why i was so sad through my life.

Geoff Tate: your time to work with Queensryche came and went...

Liza: i'm Jackie Fitzgerald if she worked at Safeway.

Liza: here's a quarter with the Queen of England's face on it...

Blue Exorcist: the EXACT OPPOSITE of my situation...

Boris Becker: to make ends meet while i was in prison, i had to play the villain in Mashle...

Walter Lewin: if Bernie Sanders was your 7th Grade physics teacher.

Martin Yan: what a beautiful morning. the birds are singing.

Leslie Sbrocco: the birds warned us of global warming with their birdsong but nobody listened.

Snow White and Greta Thunberg: ...

Martin: the smell of browned meat in the morning. bacon, sausage, and other various meat shanks. i can see that smell. it's one of those mornings where you wake up and you can really feel your butthole, you know?

Leslie: yeah.