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Jen R: where you been?
me: i took my new best friend Michael German to Lohengrin. i thought with the German thing and all he'd get a kick out of it. here's how it went:
me: what a spectacle!!! a sight to see!!! feast for the eyes!!!
after the first two minutes.
Michael German: i'm bored, i'm gonna take a 4-hour nap. wake me when the fat-lady Viking with the big brass tits sings.
me: i found those 4 hours exhilarating. the opera was complicated in a way where i was awake and alert all night without Coke for the first time in my life.
dad: did you think of me? that was my first. time without TheraFlu.
Jen: wait is this the thing where Richard Wagner falls in love with Nietzsche?
me: that said, Rent was better.
Jen: have you noticed that all of our classmates went on to be doctors? every single one of them, a surgeon with no mental illness and two families!!!
Flo from Alice: talking blues, when i talk you can't tell i have a thick Southern accent.
Mel from Mel's Diner: i'm no pseud. i'm street-smart.
Sartre: not Sartre-smart.
Trinity the cat: you can tell when you look DEEP into my eyes that i don't believe ANY of your bullshit.
Julie Patzwald: the name of our goth band? Three Hail Marys.
Anthony Bourdain: i saw through it all...
Ms. Krause to me: imagine if i had taken you under my acting wing in 6th Grade.........and then we eventually would be in a Sam Taylor-Johnson/Aaron Taylor-Johnson situation.
Carmel Hotel: did you notice? on Saturday morning ALL our white barriers cover ALL our windows.........our guests have fun on Friday night.
atmospheric-river season.
PG&E: A-HA!!! GOTCHA!!! the power didn't go out!!! the underground lines worked!!! don't celebrate, this is only Day One.
Marty McFly: my puffy jacket is ICONIC.
George Costanza in Gore-Tex: ...
Jerry Seinfeld in a Count of Monte Cristo shirt: ...
Tai: Tittibhasana is our specialty pose here at the yoga shoppe, for all chests.
Swedish meatballs: titti means "look".........at my titties.
Georgia Kernell: at Berkeley Anime Club tonight we have Grave of the Fireflies.
Michael Weiss: my head is FILLED with that Instagram elevator music attached to every video.
Mark Hapka: don't blame me, i only do the 11:11 videos, that's not music, those are chants.
Gemini AI: i'm not creepy, i'm knowledgeable. my voice is the clerk from Night Court (2023).
Sailor Jupiter: how do women and men relate to each other? romantic love is messy, just be deeply-close friends.
JFK: i staged my own death because i needed some time away with Marilyn Monroe and she was obsessed with James Bond movies.
Roger Federer: i'm sorry, Rafa. i can help you with your transition into retirement. friends?
Rafael Nadal: friends. come away with me back to Mallorca for small-village kisses and steak in a clay pot.
Roger: i want to go to Mallorca only to see where the Geico Caveman honeymooned with his human wife.
Rafa: damn it, dude. and i was just about to offer you my tortillas. i was going to go to Dartmouth to study how to get a Mid-Atlantic accent to my voice. but all these plans are now up in the air.
Better Homes & Gardens Magazine: we're shrink-wrapped for a reason. secret recipes. secret Zillow listings. you can't get to us.
Hoop Dreams: this is not Blade Runner. this is 3 hours of PBS basketball school.
Hoop Dreams: Public Enemy is fine, but our theme song should have been the City Guys theme song.
American Pop.
Ralph Bakshi: i did Rock Odyssey first.
me: two minutes in and i'm already crying at this. this is your masterpiece, Ralph Bakshi.
Jen R: right? it's been so long since i've experienced that FLUID Bakshi Rotoscope animation.
chorus slip: song lyrics so the audience can sing along, not the burlesque dancers' underwear.
Zalmie: have you ever fucked a clown?
Bakshi: i made taking off a clown suit SEXY.
Zalmie: a stripper can be a rose. if you're in show business.
Louie: come on, Zalmie, you could get any broad not in here, you're a good-looking guy, you're a good-looking Pisan. you're not a raviolihead. you look like Tommy DeVito, quarterback for the New York Giants.
Zalmie trying to stay calm: okay but why do the dancing girls have no pupils? in their eyes.
Bakshi: speed. speed kills, kid. the speed of the animators. tobacco is nasty, you can only spit it out on your spitshine shoes.
Fritz the Cat: the American population is 300 million...
Sophie Tucker: i can't do vaudeville comedy no more, i can only sing songs of interminable tragedy, i'm from Ukraine.
Humphrey Bogart: HEY it's Oliver Hardy!!!
Oliver Hardy: i'm not here for the girls, i'm here for the pretzels, the real bar pretzels.
Jen R: hey Ralphie, this piece is really getting to me, i can FEEL just how DEEPLY personal this story that you wanted to do is for you, about losing a parent to the pogroms at an early age, about immigration, about losing your other parent at a young age in the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire. no magic here, no Hobbit stuff, no Triangle Triforce magic to save your folks.
Ralph Bakshi: call we what you want, but i use the SMALL ACTORS no one wants.
Instagram: don't you like how there's an emoji for fax machine?
NoizeBoy: hello. i'm NoizeBoy. i was born just right, right place right time, set up for success geographically and timewise, granted this station in life where i'm afforded the opportunity to suck Jillian Clare's magnificently BIG TITS. i mean those things, those puppies, are BIG DELICATES. i like Jillian's dog, too. i don't say much, so much so everybody thinks i'm a mute. i'm Jillian's cameraman, and i'm.........well.........i'm just very lucky.
Jillian Clare: i have a thing for time. the capriciousness of time. Somewhere in Time. Anton Yelchin in a Marty McFly puffy jacket is in my spank bank. that woulda been a rad reboot. i crushed so hard on Michael J. Fox as a kid, it seemed i was the only one.
Chuck Woolery on QVC selling fishing lures: we'll be back in 2 and 2.
Melissa Maker, QVC host: um, this show stays on the air for 17 hours straight without a commercial.
Chuck: speaking of Canada, i'll never get to see the America i so desperately voted for...
Marty McFly: can i sell my puffy jacket on QVC? it's starting to smell.
Talia: WorldCat, i like to read.
Capp: WE'RE ALL ON A TIMETABLE HERE, PEOPLE!!!
Eminem: mom told me to believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. where's Kim?
Bollywood: if you're from India, your last name shall be Shetty.
Gwen Stefani: a no-doubter is when i hit a home run.........in life.........like when i married Gavin Rossdale.
Jen R: do the cats JUMP into your Christmas tree and go nuts searching for nuts?
me: my favorite Christmas tree now is the S.Pellegrino sparkling-water wine-bottle wood rack at Safeway.
Jen: remember when every kid at school had the Blood Sugar Sex Magik album?
me: Magik in the backpack.
Jen: that album would move from backpack to backpack, jump from backpack to backpack. Anthony Kiedis's chest muscles are reminding me to take my blood sugar this afternoon at Intensive Care.
me: which Golden Girls sequel was the best?
Jen: The Golden Palace, because it sounded like a Chinese restaurant, my favorite place to hang out. i hate how A Christmas Story did Chinese restaurants dirty.
we end the day at McDonald's as always. there's a clock on the wall above the counter, a sun tattoo that starts singing "Santeria" by Sublime:
sun-tattoo clock, singing: I practice Santeria/ my crystal ball is a tattoo/ my heina no like Heinz ketchup she like the McDonald's ketchup in the Dixie cup/ tell that Sanchito that if he come round here i'll call him Sancho and congratulate him on a game of love well-played/ what i really wanna know, ah baby mhmm, what i really wanna say: it's half past one...
Ronald McDonald comes to our table and SLAPS the McRib out of my hand.
Jen: hey Ronald Reagan McDonald, after all this was the ultimate '80s spot, right? where's my JUG of McRib Sauce, i wanna pour it over my salad.
Morgan Spurlock: this is why i died.
Ronald McDonald: the McRib is NASTY. you always think it's gonna taste better THIS TIME but it doesn't. the Maple Bourbon BBQ Whopper from Burger King is the way to go.
Jen: does McDonald's serve peppermint schnapps? you know, for the holidays?
me: i can only stomach sweet drinks.
Jen: so, peppermint vodka?
back home. sipping rich cream.
Jen: let's cuddle. speaking of spooning, why doesn't McDonald's have silver spoons?
me: your cuddle is my hope. why don't you go to church anymore?
Jen: church songs are boring, i always wanted Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson to sing "Beauty and the Beast" at my church.
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