Martin Yan: you smell that?
Leslie Sbrocco: did you fart? it smells like cheese.
Martin: the smell of bacon, you can smell the smell of bacon even on a bitterly cold morning like this. the bacon smell wafts atop the icy wind.
Leslie: now i want a bacon popsicle.
Martin: the smell of bacon gives hope on a dreary morning. but what are the chemical reactions that go into the Maillard Reaction? what is the mathematical physics equation formula that explains browning?
Leslie: nobody comes here for that nerd shit. this isn't science week, this isn't America's Test Kitchen, people come to PBS to EAT.
Ms. Krause: not using everybody for anything anymore...
Jenny Baranick: speaking of grammar, remember the good ol' days when our only problem was Sarah Palin?...
Joyce Kilmer: i mean i GOTTA be the only man who has ever had the first name Joyce.
Bede: Trappist cheese...
Joyce DeWitt: hey Kilmer, you're cute when you hug that tree.
Willow Ufgood: i just saw Madmartigan fly in a black-magic silver bird!!!
the America's Test Kitchen 25th Anniversary Behind-the-Scenes Special: five minutes after you watch this, this one-hour show, you start to feel bad about yourself...
at America's Test Kitchen.
Julia Collin Davison: fisherman's pie.
Joe Gitter: aw mate, come on, don't call me a unitool. this was the fish pie i needed to eat when i got home from school after a long day of being bullied. British bullies are the worst. it's a miracle i didn't turn into Cook from Skins.
Julia chomping down on her bite: the cod is much better than McDonald's.
Joe Gitter: don't bite down on your fish sandwich, luv. the key to a true British fish pie: no potatoes, potatoes are Irish.
Nigella Lawson: where's MY cooking show on PBS? too risque? let's face it, you're losing interest in cooking shows...
Jen R: can i be in a PBS family?
me: i know, me too.
Jen R: the husband resting his head on the wife's shoulder. and the kid. a nuclear peacenik PBS family.
me: the three of us just watching PBS all day.
Jen R: after school/work...
Mark Hapka: there is nothing more meditative, more relaxing, in all of time, than traveling by horse-drawn wooden cart on the green grass of rolling hills in Medieval times...
Storybook International "The Spoiled Son".
Talia: shearing shards on a sheep, it's not like cutting a cat's nails...
After Hours.
Jen R: I'm glad you called, that was such an '80a thing to say over the phone.
Martin Scorsese: the taxi isn't driving fast at midnight, Griffin Dunne's just tripping.
Griffin Dunne: and you know a thing or two about taxis...
Linda Fiorentino: see? women can be sneaky, too. shirtless isn't just for the men. i'm not above using the ol' dirty-shirt laundry trick to see the man's chest muscles.
Jen R: see? backrub, that's my opening move to get a date.
Griffin Dunne: the nurse, the blindfold that made me do my toe surgery again, this all got me into BDSM.
Rosanna Arquette: Marcy Franklin? isn't that a Peanuts character?
me: going to a coffee shop at 2AM in the morning, oh how i miss Berkeley.
Griffin Dunne: oh, now i get it, i'm supposed to be YOU in this film.
Martin Scorsese: bingo.
Griffin jumps the subway turnstiles.
Griffin Dunne: sorry, i thought i was at Berkeley. in Berkeley this is known as parkouring.
Teri Garr: can i offer you some.........COFFEE?!!! why am i always the waitress?...
Griffin: like my Nosferatu khaki culottes pants?
Martin Scorsese: swordfish, get it? the bathroom graffiti. a man's cock gobbled up by a shark. now THAT is hilarious in Italy, in the Old Country.
Lucio Rossi: very Don's Plum.
Keith Richards: very Rolling Stones Beggars Banquet.
Griffin: Griffin graffiti.
steampunk cash-register Beach Boys man: here's my precious keys on my One Piece keychain...
Confucius: remember dark-blue toilet water?...
Julie Patzwald: the Dead Person arrow signs are hilarious.
Fonzie: using my amber Jurassic Park comb as a doorstop.
me: you still haven't sketched my face yet.
Jen R: ...
Leslie Sbrocco: doctors worried over women fasting all the time, but every man and woman fasts, every single night, from dinner until breakfast...
Jane Fonda: that's what i've been trying to say since the '80s...
Jane Fonda: it's good for your body to go to bed a little hungry, right?
Leslie Sbrocco: NO!!! NEVER!!! sleep hungry? hell no, look at me, look at my round butt, that's a bread butt. we can't all be leg-warmer high-kick aerobics queens with the fuzzy headband around the knob of your boombox on the Q*bert dancefloor at 9AM in the morning. sleep hungry, not even for insomniacs...
ABC: Anyone But the Chiefs.
Dan Campbell: we go for two. two sliders. the entire Detroit Lions team ONLY eats at Applebee's.
Boc: not all gays are atheists. but it helps.
Bertie: Bert & Ernie.
Bernie Sanders: ...
Titus Groan: this is Peake Existentialism.........*groan*, i know, but actually i molded Sisyphus's boulder from my weirdly-shaped head. Nosferatu thinks i'm ugly.
Nosferatu: no i don't. but you are two-faced...
Julie Patzwald: Titus Groan was my bedtime book, my Goodnight Moon.
Mervyn Peake: i spell Marvin the cool way. the mall department store way!!! i look like Abe Lincoln, not Thomas Merton, when i read a book in a tree...
botheration: Winnie the Pooh's disease.
Alex Neff: life with my cap and my dog and the restaurant is good, but it would be enhanced if i had [more][click for more] a life partner...
Fuerza: misogyny rears its ugly head again. it hurts, and i'm God, who's a woman!!!
Leslie Sbrocco: Martin, who are these two females in your dressing room?
Martin Yan: they're mine, okay? lay off them. that one is called Honeysuckle. the other one is called Five-Fingered Star Anise.
Leslie: what will you wife say about these girls?
Martin: my wife dated Robert Crumb when he lived in Chinatown. she could never find him, he was always gone, Robert Crumb was always hiding in mailboxes to escape from her.
Leslie: i won't blab. hey i got my side pieces, too. Boyd and Cramer Calvados.
Martin: the one thing i don't understand is after i pat-dry my sausage with my jeans napkin, why are the two links still greasy?
Leslie: the two sausage links have collected the oil from your fried egg. you really oughta be more careful with that stuff.
Martin: thanks, babe, you're right, i shall heed your advice, from now one i ain't oiling my wok in an Uzumaki spiral with my teakettle anymore.
Leslie: but that's your signature move!!!
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