MASH THE GUAC

 

Jen R and i are exploring Downtown Berkeley, the newspaper district, when suddenly an irreplaceable SMELL enters my nostril and i can't look away.

me: omg it's Chipotle. i've always wanted to work there ever since i discovered my love for avocados.

Jen R: all avocados come from Mexico.

me: but NOT guacamole, i'm weird like take, guac is horrid to me. but i would replace ALL SALADS with a bowl of avocado each dinner night if i could. that's how much i love the avocado, cubed into four squares, with a little lemon juice, Wishbone Italian dressing, and red-wine vinegar to boot. and pepper from the Beatles.

Jen: it's the TEXTURE of the avocado that's special. and appealing, be sure to peel off the Indiana Jones ball in the middle. the avocado slips right down your gullet, your tongue doesn't even get the chance to touch it!!! okay put on this apron, you're working Chipotle now, boy!!! after all, you gotta earn some spending cash on the side.

me: yep. i'm a student-athlete now, again. my sport is the stage. still no free scholarship ride.

Carmen Electra: i changed my name to my stage name. like EVERY Hollywood actor does. you just wanted an excuse to put my picture in your newspaper...

Adriana from Sopranos: meanwhile the story flying under the radar under the rug is i paid off my Hollywood mansion doing only ONE DAY of OnlyFans!!! who knew there was such a market for the old wizened broad on The Sopranos rather than the young nubile sleek and svelte Tony Soprano?

Tony Soprano: is Meadow still hot?

Erling Haaland: you were EARLY in your prediction of my demise...

Adam Sandler: do they make Marathon chocolate bars anymore? they look like LONG-ASS curly pretzel sticks like they serve at Subway now. like my curly hair. i have to run a marathon to get one? look at me, i'm in the best shape of my life. i mean do i HAVE TO star in the upcoming Choco Taco movie?...

me, sweating: so it turns out work sucks. it's hard work. Chipotle is fun for the first few minutes then they get out that LARGE-ASS SHINY STERLING-SILVER BOWL and expect you to make guac FOR THE NEXT 8 HOURS. not even eating those stale tortilla chips helped.

Jen: did they blitz you with 100 avocados in your apron'd lap?

me: i mean if i were able to MASH THE GUAC with my bare ungloved hands, that would have been fun. but i had to use that laborious silver MESH MASH tool to GRIND THE GUAC like a fucking drill. guac waffles would have been fun but my idea was rejected.

Jen: let's have a spa day to get your mind off your inevitable firing. blitz your brain with distraction.

me: yeah. i think i still have my old poo-stained dorm ticket for quarters tonight.

Jen: i was thinking you'd put us up at the Claremont Hotel & Spa, that iconic historic white spire tower building in the middle of Central Park campus. right? i mean wouldn't that be the most OPULENT way to do dorm life as a Berkeley student?!!!

me: okay but i'm a student again, no money, so we're squatters. as long as we're not seen walking to the ice machine with a bucket.

Jen and i are in the spa room under a blanket of bubbles.

Jen: you have to be totally naked to allow the jetstream to enter ALL crevices. let's face it, if you were staying here you'd never go to class.

me: i hate that the weather isn't changing. my mom needs hot weather to recover. we still got two more fucking months of horrid cold-and-rainy weather, can you believe i'm saying this? i'm GOTH for fuck sake!!!

Jen: everyone changes. even goths, not their clothes tho. 

Julie Patzwald: i can't be naked. because if i don't wear at least ONE article of black on my body how would you know i was goth? i can't wear black fingernail and toe polish, i'm allergic. 

Jen sees that my mouth is parched.

Jen: here, break the plane with your spoon on this new cylinder of Lipton lemon-and-sugar iced-tea-mix powder. isn't that good? that FIRST WHIFF of FRESH POWDER.

Sydney Sweeney at her SNL monologue: okay let's bring up the lights. that's right, i'm going old-skool Carol Burnett with this!!! let's have a little audience Q&A. WOW!!! as i see the whites of the eyes in this audience thanks to the BRIGHT-AS-FUCK lights, all the doughy faces, i'm noticing that everyone in the audience is a MIDDLE-AGED DAD. interesting...

the two of us are still in the tub.

me: Amazing Stories "What If...?" and go.

Jen: i saw that one last night. i feel so bad for the little boy. i mean is Jake Hart not the MOST ADORABLE LITTLE BOY OF ALL TIME?

Steven Spielberg: a Spielberg staple.

Jen: i'd feel okay about my chances if i were him, i mean it's cool to have Gallagher as your star-spirit guide, right?

me: i like the twist in the script where the kid's not dead but rather hasn't been born yet...

Jen: the parents are assholes but i want their BED!!! right? with the Star Wars blue-glow neon light underneath, that's cool!!!

me: as long as that's my bed, too. and for the record i would be DELIGHTED to have a little boy. hey have you noticed something?

Jen: yep, it's the same futuristic house from that OTHER Amazing Stories episode "Moving Day"!!! i'd recognize that place anywhere!!! the outer-space mansion!!! what "the future" in the '80s looked like!!! i tried to buy it in the '80s but it was tied up in escrow hell by Burt Reynolds. my headcanon is that the boy from "What If...?" grew up to be Stephen Geoffreys in "Moving Day..."

Jen her wet-hair head underwater pops up to the surface. she's wearing wet wellies on her feet that look like a Santa elf's shoe with one bell on the tip.

Jen: my brain is damp. i have one last bubble inspiration. Timothee Chalamet. right? it would be PERFECT CASTING if Timothee Chalamet were Peter Pan...

Garbage Pail Kids cartoon: combining Jaws and Titanic like that, that was pretty cool, huh?

Len Carlson: i have the sweetest-sounding BOY'S voice of all time.

Sterling Holloway: you're TRYING HARD to imitate me...

Kirk Cousins rehabbing on a TENNIS COURT: cuz that's where the hard yards for a hardened NFL vet such as myself are done. i'm white and i have a gold grill in my teeth, my dentist recommended this for my bleeding gums.

Dr. Vacc: dentists are fun, too...

Good Morning Football woman: i'm not the regular woman here. why is this show on during the off-season? why am i wearing baked-potato pants? like my pants are silver tinfoil. i know i'm short but when do i stop being hot? as in hot potato.

Sarah: i take care of everything. including old used cough-syrup bottles.

Hunter Biden: i'm being hunted. that's good wordplay.

Jen and i in the Berkeley mart riding our cart.

Jen: throw that vanilla ice cream away!!!

me: thanks. i keep forgetting. why do i always keep forgetting?!!!

Jen: the vanilla DAMPENS YOUR BRAIN, it's worse than downer pills. you're running with this low-energy rut in your head the rest of the day. no Vanilla Coke and for fuck sake no more root beer!!!

Essence Page: i'm a dentist. but fittingly i'm also the editor of Essence Magazine...

DirecTV pigeons: sorry, we're not THOSE pigeons. no H Jon Benjamin, it's just me, Henry Winkler. i know you're disappointed, audiences have been disappointed with JUST ME ever since i left Fonzie...

Starbucks at a college town, let's say it's Berkeley.

girl student in the cafe: you know what? let's make it 2 Caramel Macchiatos.

in the lecture hall.

hot Indian girl student: girl you are so thoughtful!!! it's gonna be cool to have freedom from our parents for the first time.

girl student: yeah. i mean i really did this because you don't know this yet but you are going to be my first lesbian love...

Secret Whole Body Deodorant: it's okay to smell like a human.

Jen: i smell RIPE like a bad avocado.

Secret: from your pits to your bits.

Mardith: you can spray your vag? i do it in public. at the bus stop.

Secret: from your pits to your package.........sorry that's Lume with that annoying lady who comes on Toonami...

Jen: i got my pink grandma swatter at Kohl's...

Jen: here's the thing with Olive Garden, i don't trust a man on a first date who doesn't order soup. i mean how can you not like minestrone soup? i want to see you ordering at least FOUR bowls of minestrone soup...

me: mineSTRONE in STONE bowls at Medieval Times, it all makes sense now.

Simparica Trio: wait was this a commercial for Dune?...

all dogs: ...

me at the Southwest Airlines Worst Bar Ever: yes i will gladly pay $200 for an ice cube if it means my soulmate the love of my life doesn't get on that plane!!!

Jen: can i store my Easy Rider motorcycle on this plane?.........in the overhead compartment?...

Charmin: toilet paper so soft it will make you secretly have a thing for Nero.

the two of us are still in the hot tub, our skins wrinkled like one old lady.

me: you know what's cool? that i "talk" with you everyday.

Jen: well kind of. we text each other five sentences a day, that's kind of a relationship, right?

me: it makes me feel that we're a husband and a wife, telling the other about their day. i tell you about my day and you tell me about your day.

Jen: i tell you where i am at all times.

me: if this is an illusion i don't want to know...

Jen: you know i'm doing ketamine and when i'm under the influence of ketamine i'm clearheaded and i come to realize that life doesn't mean much, you know? it's all just kinda meaningless.

me: i know how you feel. except i'd never go the ketamine route, that stuff is scary for me. i never thought i'd go through life and meet someone who would say that to me. I would say that to THEM but not the other way around, that is meaningful. 

 

BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: THE DREAM NEVER DIES

 

me: i'm going back to college.

Jen P: where have i heard this before?

me: no seriously this time. i dunno. i just feel i have to DO something now, you know? no more excuses.

Jen: covid is over. 

me: i'm REALLY starting to get bored. i have to go back and do it right this time, go in with a plan. i didn't have a plan before, i was rudderless and a waylaid wingnut. i should be studying Theatre, doing plays, writing plays.

Jen: i'll help you with that. when was the last time you acted?

me: i act all the time in my fantasies.

Jen: but, like, how are you gonna sustain yourself writing plays? writing plays can't be your JOB, that's an airy pipe dream, take it from me, i only survive cuz i have a mysterious trust fund.

me: therein lies the rub. i'm not going back to Berkeley. per se. not the famous one, i'm attending Berkeley City College, that's a pubic college, right? it's free, right?

Jen: no shame in your game, that's very admirable. a degree's a degree, right? no one's gonna know, it says the word BERKELEY on the diploma, that's as far as anyone reads, you'll still be a hit at parties trying to impress your rich relatives. 

me: i wish Aunt Cork would've helped me more...

Aunt Cork: money heals all wounds.

Jen: so ready for a SECOND bombshell? second hammer? you can't stay at my place anymore.

me: i understand. that Island Treehouse was quite extravagant for two people anyway.

Jen: yeah. my dad wants to cut it down for Amazon Rainforest scrapwood to erect a mall. he voted for Bolsonaro. don't you have an aunt or something who lives in the suburbs?

me: i'm thinking of one better...

at the park. without a car.

me: i've been inspired by British TV lately. Ewen MacIntosh the original Keith on The Office, he was in that comedy troupe The Improverts.

Jen: nice name.

me: i want to be in a creative group like that for once, a true-blue bonafide university comedy coven that uses blue humor and adult humor as in sophisticated intellectual humor and has college-aged women in it. i'm sick of writing alone.

Jen: i want to see you thrive. what is your deepest desire in life?

me: to have a wife who's also my mommy.

Jen: okay but like, career-wise?

me: i want to MONOLOGUE my way through life...

The Outer Limits "Balance of Nature".

Barbara Rush: i always wanted to do a Carlos Reygadas film...

PG&E: we have to do rolling blackouts that last two days to prevent a power outage which lasts a year. 

Jackie Fitzgerald: what are you gonna do, huh? Carmel is pretty enough to endure this. it's not like any of us are gonna start giving Elon Musk MORE money.

Scarlett Johansson: i record my voice for use in anime now, just to piss everyone off...

Boc: a corkscrew landed on my head. that's gotta mean something, right? 

seagull from the roof: i did it. because you need to learn to relax, Boc.

Boc: walking weather is 70 to 80 so it's no fun, it JUST MISSES 69. as you know i'm not into tits so DD doesn't stand for big juicy Double-D titties, it stands for my father, Dad Denny's...

Gordon Ramsay: is there anything more satisfying than Saturday Morning Soccer with a Sausage N Egg McMuffin in your gob?

Cushing syndrome: it's crushing.

Front Counter Custom: we here at the Jack in the Box in Berkeley go the extra mile to foster our gifted students' creativity. it's not fashioning the light-brown cardboard drink-holder into a balloon animal, it's putting our burgers and fries INSIDE a vintage tin jack-in-the-box from a carnival in Paris in 1923. 

Jen and i are strolling around inside a tiny grey grocery cart that barely squeezes in the both of us rolling up down all around the narrow aisles of our local corner mart here at Berkeley. at 1 in the afternoon. 

me: i mean this in the most scientific way possible: did your tits grow?

Jen: you don't fool me, you'd NEVER be a Science Major!!! you'd rather, i don't know, DROP OUT OF COLLEGE than study science!!!

me: it's still a hobby of mine tho. it's still my creed. i need it for those university quizzes on Saturday nights.

Jen: it's a good thing this mart is right next to a bus bench. 

me: what happened to our car?!!! i mean your car.

Jen: the real DeLorean? mommy lent it out to Michael J. Fox for his one last ride.

me: i always did like your mother more than your father.

Old Spice on the shelf: see? we make Unscented spray, too...

Dirg: sex quest...

Mardith: sex questions before you get married?

Dirg: no, that PC game Sex Quest. for the Personal Computer...

Mardith: sigh.

helado cart with orange slices frozen to the side of the water panel on the corner: the official start of Spring...

Barbecue Township, North Carolina: look at the map, it even looks like a pork cutlet...

Lana Del Rey: my pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola. but i'm a switch, i'll try Coke. especially that new Coke Spice. speaking of, am i in Dune? it seems like if anyone should be in Dune it should be me...

Lorne Michaels: i mean have you EVER seen such a surreally bizarre thing in television history? you fire someone then that someone ends up HOSTING the show?!!! there must have been a clause in his termination contract...

at the Berkeley Film and Cell Institute.

Takahashi: i have one more year to go...

me: me, too. how hard could it be?

The Walking Dead: um, can we just let the whole Walking Dead thing DIE?!!! BOTH MEANINGS!!! seriously. just let it go, this franchise became a zombie DECADES ago...

Dragon's Lair cartoon: i know this cartoon and Smurfs are both Medieval cartoons, but man this is nothing like The Smurfs in any manner of qualitative measurement of quality.

Bertram the horse: imagine ACTUALLY being a knight in Medieval times.........imagine your day-to-day life in that knight job...

Alfonso Cuaron in Mexico City: i got some extra black-and-white water in my fridge...

Tears for Fears "Advice for the Young at Heart" music video: that man was carrying a flattened paper hat of In-N-Out Burger fries!!!

Smoking Behind the Supermarket with You: if Lost in Translation were a manga...

Ear Horn: smoking is allowed INSIDE Pic-N-Save, it was the '80s...

Chamberlain Coffee: makes a priest see Meggie as more than an Outback parishioner...

Richard Chamberlain: i was not gay during The Thorn Birds...

Meggie eating her own donut: church kitchens are fascinating, they hoard the best coffee down there...

Ear Horn: witchcraft is such a dirty word. back in my day it was called demonry, such a gentle word.

Candace Bailey: my Whopper topping? green M&Ms that look like Nickelodeon slime of course!!! wasn't i in a Burger King commercial in the '80s with Seth Green when we were both 5-year-old kids?...

i settle into my new apartment and living arrangements in the Berkeley suburbs.

Alejandro: hey Pat.

i shake Alejandro by the collar in love.

me: i greatly admire you, Alejandro. i really do. you're my only friend in this cold cruel world, you're the only non-family person that i embrace physically with hugs. i wish i had your life, you work at the mart then you go on the bus cuz you can't drive back to your gated community, your life is so safe and secure, no drama, it's the best.

Alejandro: i find that people don't see me any different because of my condition, in fact they embrace me MORE warmly.

me: everyone in bed!!! well not you, Alejandro, just Jen.

Jen knocks on the door.

Jen P, shocked face with those puckered lips: oh i see!!! so THIS is why you wanted to move out!!! who is SHE?!!!

Jen R in bed: hi. i know your name is Jen, too, i can tell from your face you're a fellow Jennifer, we have a psychic connection.

Jen P: yeah. you know what, i'm not even mad, you don't have to explain, i actually understand. it's fine. it's fine. it's time, right? i can't ask you to make a sacrifice and then expect to not get burned.

me: it's time. but we're still college chums for life, right?

Jen P: i'm a college chump but you found YOUR Jennifer.

Ken: a Jeopardy College Champ will be crowned soon during Spring Break...

me: Jen R's gonna be the the Princess of Berkeley.

Jen P: i can see that on your face, Jen R, you'll fit right in and take over by noon.

Jen R: and by moon. my naked butt. gimme gimme gimme gimme Gimme Chameleon...

Jen P: oh hi Alejandro.

Alejandro: hey Pat.

Jen P: Alejandro, you, and me used to all work at the mart that summer BEFORE college. those were simpler innocent times. *rustling her white plastic grocery bag* anyway speaking of the mart i brought us all some Subway. of course i didn't think it was gonna be for FOUR people.

Alejandro: let the four of us eat and be merry!!!

me: oh that's cool i was just thinking about Subway, i want to try their new sides, i want to see what a Subway churro tastes like.

Jen R: i need to taste that fucking chocolate-chip-cookie belt.   

SHORT CIRCUIT: WHEN AI WAS CUTE

 

Sora AI: sure, but can Sora heal you when you're sick on the weekend? don't get sick on weekends, EVERY doctor's office is closed.

Chinese dragon: see? i told you i was real...

Skip Bayless: with my Abacus life insurance policy, i SQUANDERED $150 million.

dad at the Berkeley Library Rotunda with a scarab beetle on his shoulder: ...

the Berkeley Library Rotunda: THIS is the rotunda y'all should have been at, the rotunda of TRUE freedom, intellectual freedom.

Kurt Cobain: it was kurtains for me...

coughing through the night: RACING to the morning, CAN'T WAIT to hit 7:30AM on the clock to achieve sleeping through the night. to halt the hacking. to wind down the wheezing.

Weezy from The Jeffersons: i never smoked. this ain't emphysema. bronchitis maybe.

coughing through the night: way to be, Sarah, you're a GENIUS!!! that humidifier is GENIUS!!! that humidifier is WET AND WARM!!!

Luke Russert: a Vicks VapoRub humidifier to boot!!! the machine makes the Vicks VapoRub steam shower FOR YOU!!! into MIST. i'm back, baby!!! i'm back to where i can handle being in a non-Tai way...

Tai: i'm breathing easy.........again.........especially at night...

Ollie Wride: "Coughing in the Night with You," i wrote a non-Vicks Vaporwave song about that.

Boc: it's a tricky temperature, it's 69, you don't know whether or not to wear a jacket. or at least a windbreaker to protect your power. don't wanna be hit by a trash truck on the curb corner right on the dot at 7:30AM.

Sarah: when you see 2 cars in the driveway, that brings peace.

Garbage Pail Kids cartoon: you need to have seen Boxing Helena to get the reference right there?...

William Shatner: the Private Moon Landing, yada yada yada. the real news here is that they're making NEW episodes of Star Trek!!! the '60s one with ME!!!

The Outer Limits "Balance of Nature".

Jamie Lee Curtis: about old people but not about energy yogurt. 

Carl Sagan: a deeply philosophical episode about the flow of time. you're going there, Outer Limits? you're really going there? you're gonna have a gilf sex scene? 

Barbara Rush: i'm space royalty!!! and a hot granny.

Outer Limits: one thing's for sure, the nightmares on Outer Limits are VERY real...

Bustamante: i'm very particular when it comes to telenovelas, i like my telenovelas Turkish.

Julie Patzwald: you a Picky Sue Got Married. you're not peculiar, you're particular. choosy moms choose JIF.  

Bustamante: will i ever be a mom? or just a sex object?

Julie Patzwald: we women can't have one without the other, that anime Boogiepop Phantom told us that. it's a good thing we goths are FRIENDS with Boogiepop Phantom. hell we CONJURED Boogiepop Phantom...

Eye Luggage: Short Circuit and go.

Kumail Nanjiani: so of course the character of Ben Jhaveri is DEEPLY DEEPLY DEEPLY offensive. i mean you look at that character today and you ask yourself, "what the FUCK were they thinking?!!!""

Pat Morita: and don't give me that "it was the '80s" crap, don't SULLY the grandeur of the '80s with YOUR fatal mistake!!! Mr. Miyagi is a symbol of unified crosscultural HOPE. you want me to go Mr. Miyagi on your ass?

John Badham: i was still hung up on WarGames, i didn't get the ending nor the casting i wanted, it's a lifelong obsession of mine to correct this, i was distracted.

Fisher Stevens: believe me, i am utterly sorry about this. no excuses, but i have to admit that i don't remember doing this part. no, seriously. i think i was doing codeine the ENTIRE time of being on set for this, i don't remember this character or doing any scenes with this character.

Kumail: so if we did this movie again and did it right, who would we cast? me, right?

Kal Penn: well it would definitely NOT be Aziz Ansari.

Kumail: no of course not, it would NEVER EVER be Aziz, that's a given.

Kal Penn: it would be me.

Kumail: that opens up a whole OTHER tin kettle of curry fish. about seniority in the caste system. 

Dr. Deepak Chopra: i mean even I could play the part, you know? i've always wanted to REALLY dip my wick in acting ever since i became best friends with Demi Moore. a professor-papa type like me, i could play the character as an oldISH man in the sequel. or as the character's father in the prequel...

El DeBarge: the only reason you know this move exists on VHS is because of ME and my song "Who's Johnny," you know that song you can hum under your breath but you never actually watched the music video for it. the song you sang to your meemaw at Pic-N-Save after a Bob's Big Boy run. in the '80s. 

Ear Horn: the Bob's Big Boy Sauce was the original Big Mac Sauce.

El DeBarge: i was bigger than Prince. for one week. i recorded that song on a barge.........better acoustics out there...

Ally Sheedy: something happened to my character after WarGames. they cut my hair short. i drive a truck. AND i rescue animals?!!! oh come on, just say you wanted me to be a lesbian!!!

John Badham: no nothing like that, we simply wanted you androgynous cuz we were entering into the Robotic Age then at the cusp of the '80s, there weren't gonna be sexes anymore...

Steve Guttenberg: i was TOO SEXY to be the lonely science nerd they needed me to be. i have too CUTE of a face!!! my interpersonal skills are too EFFERVESCENT to be an awkward stick-in-the-mud. i have the personality of fizzy soda. Fisher Stevens, you left your large codeine spoon in my trailer...

Paul Reiser: i WISH i had been Steve Guttenberg...

John Badham: okay i can FINALLY FINISH WarGames the way i wanted to!!! see? i'm bringing all those computers from WarGames back again to fill the set.

Laertus: why does this creepily look like that MAD Magazine Up the Academy movie?

MAD Magazine: doesn't it seem like WE invented Garbage Pail Kids?...

Steve: Newton Crosby? but i don't sing standards and i don't play ice hockey, the two things men need to do to woo women. the robot is a marital aid. EVERY SINGLE robot in film history has been used as a war weapon, let's have ONE be about LOVE. the robot i invented is completely harmless and fluffy, all it does is give you the middle finger.

SAINT: because our machines send you straight to Heaven...

*lightning strikes*

Ed from the band Live: ...

Number 5: just call me Johnny 5 from the start. see? i'm sentient. that proves it. Number 5 is STILL alive, bitch.

Astoria, Oregon: we were Portland before Portland...

Astoria, Oregon: the first star was seen HERE!!! without a telescope, with just the naked eye of the hippie.

Ally: i'm an ally to those who have chrome for brains. i love and want to save ALL of humanity, even machines. Stephanie Speck, i'm an insignificant speck of dust in the cosmos. hello, i am Carl Sagan's daughter, nice to meet ya, i love how you extend out your robo-arm.

Johnny 5: i'm having a bad day, have you ever woken up alive? that is a mindFUCK of a trip.

Sloth: omg, your house is the Goonies house!!!

Jen R: and the house is the color of Link's Champion's Tunic in the best Legend of Zelda game, Tears of the Kingdom!!!

Kurt Cobain: and i recognize that bridge!!!

Ally: yeah, it's just me and the Where's the Beef? lady who's my tenant in the basement, sweet old lady who lives quietly down there, never makes a fuss. this is my Pippi Longstocking mansion that transforms into a boathouse hence the stilts. you're the ULTIMATE stray, cuz you're an animal with wires. i rescue strays, in the future my granddaughter WILL BE Kate McKinnon...

Ally: i'm here to tell all you warmongering men about what the world should really be about: love. so what are you?

Johnny 5: Metal E.T. i'm WALL-E's father. you know, that sort of thing. i need input. no, not sex, knowledge.

Ally: this sandwich truck is iconic. right? it's this memorable food truck you see on the Oregon loggers' highways. what snacks do we serve? mostly tuna fish...

Ally: i was the first person to enter the word CATERING into the zeitgeist...

Ally: so i have this abusive ex-boyfriend who's not a cliche. i mean, maybe, mostly. he wears a baseball cap and carries a baseball bat around with him, why would anyone carry a bat with them?

abusive ex-boyfriend: i was a former MLB baseball player. as are all abusers. and those who run for Congress as Republicans. you can't hide from me!!! i wear tight blue jeans and i run and i know the spare key is in the vase!!! dammit you changed the locks!!!

Ally: remember changing the locks? that was such an '80s thing.

Johnny 5: wait, why are the only things i'm allowed to learn about the world from John Badham movies?...

Ally: don't worry, i'm dancing with you in my sheer negligee but there's no chance of us actually fucking, so...

Steve: Ben, do you know what a woman is?

Ben: women are a myth. women do not exist.

Steve: no, that's the internet. which has already been invented...

Steve: do you think she likes me? do you think Ally Sheedy likes me?

Ben: no, Newt, your mother does not even like you.

Johnny 5 accidentally squashes a grasshopper.

Mr. Miyagi: you see?!!! you see the disrespect?!!!

Johnny 5: the concept of death is dank as fuck.

Ally: yeah, there's nothing after, there's just nothing in an endless meaningless universe. it's pretty trippy. and cold.

Kurt Cobain: and then there's my world...

Johnny 5: it's a good thing i went to Sunday school or i'd have no concept that killing is wrong.

Codrus: Catholics are the ultimate programmers.

GW Bailey: i'm Scrotum uh Skroeder.

Johnny 5: i sound like one of those loopy Saturday-morning-cartoon kids...

Ally: this romantic Western campfire scene with the purple Vaporwave sunset sky looks like it's out of Disney's The Black Hole...

Steve: we can't disable Johnny 5!!! what if he's a new life form?!!!

Data or Lore: ...

Howard: a new life form is not in the government budget. who would feed him and clothe him and send him to college? 

Johnny 5: how do you know i'm not a girl? college is a waste of time, Sunday school tho...

SAINTs 1,2,3: we're not the mob squad, we're here for our vaudeville. we do niche Stooges from that two-month period window in the '30s when Shemp was the leader...

Johnny 5: look sad when the helicopter missile "kills" me. it's a good thing we all look alike. i won't be destroyed, i've been promised a sequel...

John Badham: i made Johnny 5 sign on the dotted line with his robo-arm...

Ally: i tried to cry real tears here at your death scene but they didn't come out convincing, this whole thing is just too silly. i wish i had done Flight of the Navigator instead, now there was a real MEATY role. 

Johnny 5: this is sponsored by Nintendo, right? starring Fred Savage? this is the R.O.B. Robotic Operating Buddy movie, right?

Admiral Scrotum, crying over the dead body of Johnny 5: why? OH WHY?!!! why'd we have to kill him?!!! he was such a gentle soul. he HAD a soul, damn you bastards. he was my FRIEND and he was named Johnny 5. war is FUCKING STUPID. i mean we're ALL computers, right? humans were the FIRST computers!!!

Rubikon: 40 acres?!!! really?!!! you had to go with 40 acres out of ALL the acres?!!! 40 acres in Montana my ass.

Ally Sheedy: why are the cats playing and running around with the zoomies on my hair?

Greykid: because you look like a poodle.

Ally: i love saving poodles!!! hey wait, let me get that gerbil out of my house, i'm saving it for my ex-boyfriend...

Steve Jobs: there was the story here which was never told. this movie was the filmed version of the script that was watered-down for Hollywood. the REAL STORY of this began in the beautiful mind of a writer who wanted to show his PAIN to the world. it's about an autistic scientist who can never have personal relations with people, he's incapable of intimacy, and thus pours his soul into creating Johnny 5 his Frankenstein monster. Frankenstein robot? but they're both gentle quiet souls. who become each other's best friend because BOTH of them cannot connect with people. much like that scientist's monologue at the beginning of the Garbage Pail Kids Movie. it's a cold lonely sad world out there and nobody has any friends. like we all do, man AND machine, we need a woman to help get us out of our shell. or panel. a woman's touch IS the lightning strike. fuck thunder in the sky, we only need thunder in the bedroom. maybe some punk kid on YouTube will make THAT movie instead one day. g'night folks.

me by the fire: i am thoroughly enjoying having McDonald's on DoorDash. but you still can't get Filet-o-Fish delivered...

dad: don't you worry bout a little thing, son, let me handle this, everything's gonna be alright...

 

SPIT THAT BANANA IN MY MOUTH

 

Jen R: okay it's time for the honeymoon portion of this wedding.

me: i'm too tired. i mean let's do this.

Jen: i mean isn't Vegas a bit too on the nose? too cliche?

Eli Manning still in Vegas after a long Super Bowl hangover: not really. not if you see it with new eyes. look at my goofy face, what do you see? you see a compulsive gambler who owes the mob in too deep unable to afford addict therapy trading in my football cleats for a pair of cement shoes. craps is a TERRIBLE name for a game. you know how i earned my winnings? how i made my non-NFL gambling fortune? i play Hearts. yeah, nobody realizes Hearts is being played in Vegas right now for large sums of wad cash, it's all done in a secret blue-felt room.

Jen: oh look, one for those wedding chapels the size of my thumb, let's get married.

me: but not like THIS, let's get married for REAL...

Jen: oh we gotta check it out for the officiant, it's Warren Buffett!!!

Warren Buffett: do you take? and do you take? Jim Cramer is a noodge. you know how you keep a marriage together? LOWER your expectations. i've been married for 100 years.

Jen: okay we gotta get in the mood for fucking, how about i tickle the electric ivories?

me: i'm still a zombie. but i'll follow you anywhere.

Jen: showgirls abound!!! like HER!!!

Brooke Trantor: the gift of my tits...

Jen: my personal favorite, musicians!!!

Hello Meteor: i'm playing backup synth for Wayne Newton.

Jen: rides galore!!! like the black VW cabrio we rolled up in!!!

me: from Baltimore.

Jen: that's Bawlmer, son. don't cry about it, learn it.

me: don't cry, rely.

Jen stands in front of the GIANT Ace Tone to the right of the pink fluffy fuzzy altar that's bigger than the chapel itself.

Mrs. Talbot: Ace Tone? that was my first War of 1812 flyer-ace pilot husband!!!

Jen starts playing the Ace Tone.

Jen: it won't burn!!! it won't burn, baby!!! electronica energy!!! flowing through my body through the temple nodules in my head. and i know temples. it won't burn my hands like acid. and i know acid. it's a piano keyboard attached to a knobby drum machine.

in the honeymoon boudoir.

Jen: spit that chunk of banana in my mouth.

me: of course. you gotta get me up to speed, what tradition is this?

Jen: it's what those three from Napoleon Dynamite did to celebrate the 30th anniversary. Napoleon, Pedro, and that guy from Dream Corp LLC.

Jen: well that sex was pretty nice.

me: we never can really DO it, can we?

Leslie Sbrocco: bro don't rub my back. who do you think you are? Garrison Keillor?

creepy captain: mahalo.

Leslie Sbrocco: who do you think you are? Adam Carolla?

Sasuke: i got pardoned like Richard Nixon.

Sasuke makes the Peace Sign with his fingers, not the Unison Sign...

Super Mario with wrench: that's Goodman Air Conditioning & Heating, not Godamn Plumbing where i work.

Fuerza: it's not God Damn, it's more like Go Damn, as in Pokemon Go, as in Nintendo Go.

rain: i am so beautiful.........when there's no wind...

PG&E: having no power on a sunny day is especially galling, it's spitting in your eye when there's no rain, it's TRULY fucking aggravating.

Safeway: when the parking lot is ENTIRELY EMPTY like this, it's nice, it has that post-apocalyptic nuclear-war abandoned look, but only in the DAYTIME!!!

Quentin Tarantino: when that dusk hits the empty parking lot...

Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream: that magic pixie sound when the power comes back on...

Puck: you could have done me at UCLA.

me: don't remind me, too painful of a wistful what-if.

Puck: permanently...

Brendan Fraser: whaling? i am not a casino gambler...

Roger Federer: you will MISS me when i'm gone, you will MISS that one-handed backhand i did...

Shakespeare: wait, a British Romantic lyrical epic poet won the Daytona 500?...

mom: when i snore, that is the most beautiful sound in the world.

snoring: it's always better than coughing.

Minster: why did i become a monk? because i was kicked out of the priesthood for selling Viagra on the street corner of my Spanish Mission. hey, to me it's all health care. before that i was that priest on Saturday Night Live...

Chipotle: BBB, Triple B, braised beef barbacoa. too bad it's not on DoorDash...

Chipotle: it's our best kept secret cuz it's SO secret it's not even on the menu!!! we ain't an In-N-Out Burger menu!!! 

Chipotle: we don't have scissors, we cut our meat with tongs.

Melissa Maker: i see you, Chipotle.

Sleep Number.

me: i mean why are all these people kvetching? it would be SLEEP BLISS to sleep next to you forever, there's nothing to complain about.

Jen R: i'm always on the hot side. of the bed.

me: i don't like wet waterbeds. i like my waterbeds dry.

LoveSac: for over 25 years we've been telling folks that a change is good.

Mark Consuelos: yeah, change out your work husbands, Kelly Ripa!!!

Whopper Contest: can you top that?

Jon Brennan from Real World: Los Angeles: yeah, forget the burger and bun, just have brisket on corn chips.

Jen R: sport peppers? just say Chicago Whopper!!!

Joan Chen: Sausage and Egg McMuffin Whopper!!!

taxi man: Justin Herrera Sourdough Pizza Whopper from St. Cyril's!!!

Michael Jordan: do you know how anyone can fly? by lowering the net.

QuickBooks.

camerawoman: without ME there's no commercial...

Super Mario with wrench: yeah but it's pretty cool the job i do, i swerve with my wrench and a fucking fountain flows!!!

CarMax.

sister: so my sister has a vaginal piercing. wanna see it on Instagram?

other sister: at least i'm not dating Michael Weiss.

sister: Michael Weiss taught me NOT to get a car, to walk everywhere. 

Michael Weiss: the electric car is not the savior you think it is...

Lopez brothers: which brother lost the bet and had to have Muppet hair to tell one apart from the other?

Minster: we have the OPPOSITE problem, all of us have the same bald head.

mom: as long as my son who's a terrible driver grows up to have Muppet hair i'll be proud.

Giannis: spell my last name NOW. thing is, i've never liked Sprite. there was only Mr. Pibb in Greece.

Bud Collins: since when is calling someone a tennis ball an INSULT?!!!

cat: now I am a GREY cat!!!

Greykid: can't hate. you a great cat, a grey cat, a great grey cat.

grey Persian cat: "Unholy" my favorite and ONLY Sam Smith song. Patrick Swayze was never THAT muscular, Jake!!! you're not evil just because you have a British accent.

George Costanza: THE WORLD IS FAKE!!!

Frank Costanza: SERENITY NOW!!!

Serena Williams: i'm not doing this just for this spot, i'm an actress now, remember? i'm IN this Aang movie, as Katara. and later as Korra. Avatar State is a cool blue sparking electric glow in the eyes like that M83 video for "Midnight City."

Starbucks: you can only drink the new Pistachio Cream Cold Brew if you have 30 earrings in one ear.

me: i really appreciate the lengths you went to for me here. you look DIVINE in that aqua-blue Champion's Tunic from Tears of the Kingdom.

Jen R: o that LIGHT BLUE tho, it SHIMMERS. 

me: turquoise tumult.

Jen: i wear the Tunic as a Large T-shirt pajama.

me: but not MY large T-shirt, i'm too small of chest.

Jen: i look like Princess Zelda in it, not Link.

me: i look like a Slash Link when i wear MY Large T-shirt pajama. 

TetraNinja in the hamper: can i get out now?

Jen R: you know the key to keeping this thing called marriage? BUNS AND BAGS. it's all about the buns and bags, always keep an extra supply of hot-dog buns and handy baggies on hand. for marital emergencies.

me: baggies to keep our drugs in?

Jen: no, our bun-length hot dogs in. WELCOME HOME, don't those two words relieve? suddenly a sense of calmness and serenity and stability and hope and take-charge leadership pervade the rooms of our abode.

me: yes, the way the film Say Anything pervades the room with a blanket of melancholy.

Jen: same concept. but opposite. different result.

TENNIS TWINS: WINNING FUCKING EVERYTHING

 

Chris Evert: wait there's ANOTHER knock at the door? who is it THIS time?

Jimmy Connors looking out their balcony: oh shit, my old nemesis has returned.

John McEnroe is down below the apartment complex on the S curveway driveway. he looks up, takes out a brown paper bag, puts his poo in it, lights it with his Andre Agassi goldplated Vegas lighter, and CHUCKS the flaming poo bag up to the balcony where Jimmy and Chris are.

Jimmy: not cool, dude. my wife is here.

Chris: awww that's sweet.

John: i don't care about Chris.

Chris: you never did in ALL those Wimbledon telecasts we did with Bud Collins, never laughed at ANY of my jokes.

John: i only care about YOU. i'm gunning for YOU, Jimbo. we are Naruto and Sasuke!!!

Jimmy: take a step, man. what's the matter THIS time? there are always so many things wrong with you swirling your head.

John takes out another brown paper lunch bag, empties his bowels into it, and FLINGS it at the balcony.

Jimmy: you want me to call Paul? 

Paul: i'd like to smell all this shit. caca city.

John takes a THIRD bag of fire caca and THROWS it like Clayton Kershaw right onto atop Jimmy's long hair.

Jimmy: bro calm down. let's talk about this. what'd you have for LUNCH to produce all that poo?

John: tuna fish.

Jimmy: i mean at least be creative with it. do one poo, one pee, one vomit.

John: i would have but i really enjoyed that tuna fish.

John takes a DEEP DEFATIGABLE sigh.

John: i don't know, brother, i'm just so TIRED. 

Jimmy: with what? with me? with life? with tennis?

John: with everything, man. tennis ain't the same and it's never coming back. there's nothing to get EXCITED about anymore. everyone's gone. the two biggest personalities in the sport, Emma Raducanu and Nick Kyrgios, are sidelined indefinitely. i mean are we EVER gonna see them again?!!!

Emma Raducanu: as long as you stay 50 feet away from me per the restraining order.

Nick Kyrgios: i don't know, mate, tennis was never fun for me, tennis was a JOB to me, like those priests on Father Ted.

John: there's nothing for me to DO anymore.

Jimmy washes his hands then puts his arm around his old friend's balding hair.

Jimmy: sure there is, buddy. but you have to take a LONG HARD LOOK at yourself in the mirror, Johnny boy. tennis has given you EVERYTHING. now you must give EVERYTHING back to tennis. it's time for you to be tennis's first commissioner, my friend. time for you to make the hard decisions.

John: as long as i don't have to ban Nadal for life. hey, can i crash here for a few weeks?

Jimmy: you're asking the wrong person.

John: right. sorry. wifey, i mean Chris, can i? your pad?

Chris, sighing: fine. but we don't have a spare bedroom. you're gonna have to sleep in the tub.

John: that's better than when i was living in a tin can in a French hostel in Paris trying to win the French Open.

Chris: i can't hate. i gotta give it up. i gotta give it up to you, that's TWO souls you've mended. i gotta say, i gotta say it, you're looking more attractive to me now than you have in a VERY VERY LONG time.

Jimmy: just doing my job, ma'am.

Cleopatra: why do i look like Gwyneth Paltrow?

Cleopatra: this smells like my orgasm...

Mark Antony: does mine smell sweeter than Caesar's?

Emily: i am REALLY REALLY sick. i am VERY VERY ill.

Kumail: are you sure you don't just have to take a shit again?

Run-DMC: Emily is ill/ she ill cuz pimpin ain't easy but she don't need no cane/ you won't get bored/ you want more/ when Emily is poorly.

the monks descend on the burned-down monastery.

Thomas Merton holding a lit cigarette betwixt his lips: sorry. burnt-out monastery, both meanings.

Cotard: where's brother?

Minster: lagging behind and lazyass as always.

Codrus: this is a fool's errand!!! all the trees here are burnt to ash, how will you collect yacht wood from them? from this CRISP!!!

Cotard: you're not looking CLOSELY, brother, these trees are DISEASED because they've been overworked for fruit and never replanted properly.

Boc: story of my life.

Thomas Merton: again i apologize. plucked to Purgatory, that was all me. 

Cotard: see these trees for what they were, a beautiful symbol of hard work. 

Minster: a symbol of being worked to death. which fits into the rich/poor dynamic for symbolism using this very wood to make a fucking yacht!!!

Ben Gunn: i can see now. i went to LensCrafters at the mall.

Melissa Maker: Canada has better malls than America.

Colin Kaepernick: until things change i won't stand, that's my STANCE.

mom: one day i'll recover and do an Easy Rider ride with my son in a Caprice. i call him Patrice.

me: but are you driving? cuz i'm not.

 

Michael Weiss: i gotta give up looking at beautiful women's Instagrams for Lent...

Premier League: this afternoon on Premier League we're gonna dissect Haaland's psychological profile. what is going on with this young Norwegian man? i mean that header was WIDE open...

Pee-wee Herman: turns out it was Pee-wee's Last Adventure...

Pee-wee Herman: the movie that caused covid...

Resident Alien: we take after the comedy of Alien Nation...

Zelenskyy: real war, not Instagram.

Michael Weiss: i really gotta return to being a war correspondent like my early days with NPR.

Ron Jeremy: count down from 20...

The Pirates of Dark Water: if Queensryche were a show.

Chico and the Man "Raul Runs Away, Part 2": and suddenly this turns into one of those '80s Mexican movies filmed entirely outside they played on Channel 4 Sundays at 1PM.

Epstein from Kotter: i'm also part-Mexican...

Dorothy Gale: who wants to live in Kansas? it's nothing but flat farms. i wanna live in EXCITING California. there are no tornados in California...

Ninja Kamui: there's nothing more SATISFYING than seeing two corrupt cops getting the FUCK beat outta them.

Brazil Ranch, California: NOT Destinos...

eBay: pair of Garbage Pail Kids heavily damaged for sale. ironically, the cards are Terri Cloth and Dee Faced...

Tom Cruise: i don't have a heart.

Brad Pitt: i know.

Tom Cruise: no i mean i don't have a heartbeat cuz i was in that movie about vampires...

Boc: need to do a Healing Walk? heal with your heel.

Doryce: Meat Scissors, the name of my Korean boy band in college...

Chris Evert, sighing; okay fine, i GUESS we can give our marriage a second chance. 

Jimmy Connors: let's give the concept of marriage another shot, like a tennis shot. but can you promise me one thing, baby?

Chris: what.

Jimmy: abortion is a dirty word, right?

Chris: right. but...

Jimmy: no that's okay, that's okay, that's it, that's all i want to know. okay, well, i best be leaving. i gotta go, don't want to keep my 3 o'clock waiting. we call him Hollywood. he has a hot doubles partner whom i'm guessing is his future wife? Australian chickadee.

Chris: Russell Crowe plays tennis?

Russell Crowe: badly.