EYE LUGGAGE'S MOM: LACHRYMATORY

 

Eye Luggage: okay so these are pretty cool, mom. wait, let me put my LP record of FM-84's song "Tears" on our spiderwebby chrome Victrola phonograph. 

Ear Horn lays 7 lachrymatories out on her dining table with the kitchen tablecloth like it were her bedspread.

Ear Horn: gently. like a spread. these are lachrymatories, glass flutes meant to carry the tears felled off the left rosy cheeks of Victorian women whose husbands died at 29 of dysentery. 

Link: wait a minute, if you gather 7 of these lachrymatories and glue them together with my magic hand that's a Stussy Bodyglove Holt Hanley surfing glove, you form my OCARINA!!! my entire recurrent life makes sense now...

Eye: the carvings on the glass are so ornate, so particular. so churchey and ritualistic, i love it. all the tiny secret flowers which are daisies. i love how the tears smell fragrant and scented like vased flowers. i love both my collections, this collection and my Garbage Pail Kids collection, for different reasons. can i keep them?

Ear: i've only filled up one lachrymatory in my whole life, it was when your father died.........it's not the WHY i was crying viscous tears that you think...

Laertus: i'm scared.

Ear: honey, i need you to go to your mall friends and anyone else you know and collect salty tears from them, that's a friend thing to do, right? it shows you care.

Eye: yep, these lachrymatories are just about the most goth things that have ever existed.

Ear: GO OUT!!! GO FORTH!!! and collect ALL the tears. go on your bikes and your skateboards, roll on the crunchy leaves in service to succor!!! everyone deserves a rebound. i'm gonna use the tears to water rare delicate goth flowers that are medicinal in sealing the hole in a torn heart. they're gonna prepare you two for your big night next week.

Laertus: i'm scared. but i can hear.

Lucio Rossi: what do i cry about? when i got my new home phone installed in my canyon cantilever Sherman Oaks hill, why'd it have to be FOUR silver-and-black Panasonic handheld phones? who the FUCK needs 4 phones?

Derek Carr: ...

Julie Patzwald, blankly: what gets me sad at night? my life. i wish i would have regretted more, then i would have done something about it. also, the stucco on my ceiling looks like oatmeal, keeps me up nights cos it's so damn distractingly delicious and toasty tasty...

Jem: people make fun of my hot pink hair, but think about it, me with BROWN hair would have been worse...

Nancy Paranzuela: Carvel Pussy cake, i coulda come up with that, that would have been a billion-seller at Playboy Clubs!!!

Roy Paranzuela, Sr.: do you know how much it sucks when you're a trained fighterjet flyer and there's no war going on?

Roy Paranzuela, Jr. eating soap flakes: i believe in Santa Claus. like Molly from TaleSpin believes in Santa Claus.

Jen R: i'm sad whenever i miss a call from a loved one...

Luke Russert: i cry whenever i think of my dad interviewing Donald Trump...

Lindy Lenz: i'm on the side of women but i still bore tears for the death and spirit-walk-passing of Bob Barker. we had a ken between us that one show. 99 is cooler than 100, right? that's what the red, white, and yellow Native American feathers i saw all along my sidewalk path to Don's Plum kept telling me hushedly as raindrops swirled in my mouth. a talking spayed dog on the sidewalk kept telling me Uzumaki was just okay...

Pete Crow-Armstrong: follow the path my ancestors laid out. i played Little League in Sherman Oaks but my mom never let me go to the Galleria cos she was practicing being a hero and told me mall food was poison. 

Tai: i'm nervy and distressed and my ducts get a little misty whenever my yoga pants showing my TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT butt aren't the color of Jem's hair...

John McEnroe: i always cried inside when i stormed the net to volley after my funky lefty serve and Jimmy Connors hit a passing shot that passed me zipping my headband...

Ear Horn: inside tears are no good for lachrymatories...

Jen R: i love when my swept leaves swirl Ike the Uzumaki swirl...

ESPN: the keys for Gauff to win the U.S. Open and become the #1 player in the world...

Madison Keys: that's cold, ESPN...

Novak Djokovic: i make friends wherever i go...

Lucio Rossi: unlike the terrifying sound of a phone dial tone, the sound of FEROCIOUS RUMBLING THUNDER is soothing and comforting to me...

neck: ditch the IcyHot, get ACUPUNCTURE!!!

Minster: everyday at the monastery, all you're doing all day is looking into the abyss...

Dirg: i'm too sick to write...

Mark Hapka: yeah but $11.11 on DoorDash is expensive...

Lain from Serial Experiments Lain: FACTORY RESET. that's the key, factory reset. whenever you get in a jam in life, factory-reset yourself...

Vanquish: got a lump in your head? not our fault...

Julie Patzwald, blankly: did you know you can get people to shop for you? because the LAST PLACE you ever want to find yourself at is the MALL...

Eye Luggage: wait are you the shoppee or the shopper in this scenario?...

Basquiat: crazy or brilliant art, there's no difference...

Ed Sheeran: my hair caused the 100-degree heat, sorry...

Pati Jinich: you gotta love telenovelas on Sunday morning, only in Mexico, you can't watch soap operas on the weekends in America!!!

Outer Limits "Decompression": we need someone who CARES as President. we can't have a President who's a cokehound!!!

chugga chugga choo choo: Doryce on Thursdays.

Muller: i wasn't able to take down Trump, but i WILL take down whichever Titan Eren is hiding inside in...

Baloo: you would have crushed the Titans in Season 10 if you had used my seaplane...

Titans: deFEETed by our own stomp-print...

Jessica Van Ord: I am why you continue climbing up a dank dark damp cave on a sliding stretcher needing a blood transfusion every hour...

Mark Dickey: i'm not trying to be a dick here. don't bomb me, i'm in a cocoon...

Wilford Brimley: ...

Ear Horn: oh bliss!!! these are all great collections of tears you've found for me amongst the traffic masses, dearies, i thank you from the bottom of my bottom.

Laertus: sorry we couldn't land you any ear tears.

Ear: the eye tears shall be used most appropriately in the pursuit of healing love. have you ever done it in Wrigley Field while the Chicago Cubs were playing a baseball game?

Eye: no but i saw a couple doing it in a pickleball court.

Ear: but what do YOU cry tears over, darling daughter?

Eye Luggage: i only cry whenever i'm apart from Laertus. as long as i'm with him i'm golden, i'm cool.

Laertus: yeah, same. i mean, when it comes to your daughter. you know what i mean.

Ear: come, yes. ah, very daring. i mean JESUS you two are sickly-sweet mushy-mushy. i love it. sigh. i wish i still had someone i could love all over like this again, hug like a teddy bear at all hours of the witching. longing for lovey-dovey. someone of my own. somebody's baby.

Eye Luggage: what about the Wolfman? he fancies you.

Ear Horn: his cock is too fuzzy.