BOOM BOOM!!!: THE WORLD VS. BORIS BECKER: BORIS BE BONKING

 

Lindy Lenz: picture all the women who have been in and around your orbit lo these say past 10 years or so. the ones who are most dear. what would be their nicknames?

me: their nicknames?  

Lindy cutely laughs over the loudspeaker that is an Instagram voice message.

Lindy: it's funny but not funny. 

me: huh, never thought of such things before, i'll have to think about it. Jen P's nickname. Jennifer Pizarro's nickname. Gold. just Gold. or Conquistadoress.

Lindy: definitely Conquistadoress, that's a stone-cold-lock of a password. and Jen R?

me: well of course the first thing that comes to mind is the pink grandma sweater, but she's so much deeper than a surface-level cross-stitch pattern. STILL, i'd have to go with Pink Grandma Sweater. 

Lindy: or Antique Grandma. or Pink Grandma. or Dust Box.

me: i hate to do this to her but i'd have to call her Grandma. just Grandma.

Lindy: and Jen B?

me: Tooth. it's that toothy smile of hers, that toothy grin, there's something so special about a hot unattainable woman with a goofy grin, it suddenly makes her attainable. ultimate case-in-point: Jewel.

Lindy Lenz: it's that goofy grin that lets you know that underneath all the babeage she's just a nerd like you. and finally, me?

me: Lois Lane. you are Lois Lane.

me: SHE SAID IT THO!!! you know?

Lindy: yeah.

me: think about it!!! SHE ACTUALLY SAID IT!!! SHE USED THOSE WORDS!!! she didn't have to use those words to reply to me, she coulda used ANY words as a response. or said nothing at all. but she used THOSE EXACT WORDS as a reply.

Lindy: and she didn't think about it none, she didn't think about it hard. she didn't take the time to craft a belabored answer full of hedges and bets. 

me: when i say I LOVE YOU to a woman on her DMs, i've never gotten this response back:

i love you, too

me: SHE SAID THAT!!! SHE SAID THAT!!! THAT was her rapid reply!!!

Lindy: her rapid RIGHTEOUS reply. congrats.

Mardith: women are getting throat cancer from oral sex!!! there's GOTTA be a better way for men to express love!!!

Nick Kyrgios: i was never meant to be a tennis player. the tennis was just my entre into pop culture, where i would put on a cape and become a superhero. a real cloth cape. don't come after my mom, my mom's bite is worse than her bark, i bite like a rabid dog. would it surprise you to learn Elon Musk is my best friend? that i'm the minority Elon Musk? Minority-Owner Elon Musk? does this make you want to see Repo Man NOW?!!!...

me: Kyrgios is my brother. i root for Kyrgios, i stan for Kyrgios. to win Wimbledon. and yeah the Australian Open, too, i guess. any man who makes the repo men pay is my casanova.

Pizza My Heart: JACK JOHNSON, ONLY JACK JOHNSON can be our mascot...

Jack Johnson: my dad looks like Lance Armstrong...

Jack Johnson: if you live in Hawaii, it's impossible to be depressed...

Olivia from Night Court (2023): have you stopped watching Night Court (2023)? i'm in a Hamburglar suit in the series finale.........nuff said.

Pete Holmes: i play Jack Tripper in the Three's Company revival.........and the John Ritter Lifetime Movie...

George Conway: like my new long hair? that's what divorce does to men. divorced women buy fancy shoes...

Jabadaw: that Star Wars cantina dance...

Eye Luggage: Boom Boom!!! The World vs. Boris Becker and go.

Boris Becker: i'm wobbly. i can't go through with this. i'm shaky all over.

Barbara Becker: don't worry, dear, i'll be with you every step of the way. you're by my side even though we are divorced. babe, you're going through some FUCKING ROUGH SHIT right now...

Boris Becker: so how did i end up in prison? well it all started when my mother decided to name me after poo...

Boris Becker: you see, the very DRIVE that impelled me to reach the HEIGHTS of my profession, also was my downfall. 

Alex Gibney: correct. you don't need me to narrate that stuff, my NARRATION VOICE is so HEAVY, you know? it's so demonstrative and full of dank dark maple syrup. i don't speak, i BELLOW. it's so LOUD, so ROUGH, so ROUGH ROUND THE EDGES...

Barbara Becker: Bore.

Boris Becker: me?

Barbara Becker: Boris, it's time for you to FINALLY make an accounting.

Boris: of my salary vs. my finances vs. all the taxes i have to pay?

Barbara: no, of all the women you've bonked.

Boris: well let's see. i have to consult my entry on amiannoying.com. ah yes, well there was that waitress i bonked in the closet of the restaurant where she worked.

Tiger Woods: are you sure that wasn't one of mine?

Boris: Sabrina Setlur, my nickname for her was Sabrina German Shepherd.

Barbara: don't do that, don't nickname the girls. tho her nickname shoulda been Sabrina Setter like the dog.

Boris: Angela Ermakova, remember her?

Barbara: you gave that bitch $5 MILLION DOLLARS!!!

Boris: ONE TIME, babe, a ONE-TIME PAYMENT. Barbara? Barbara babe?

Barbara: yes?

Boris: Barbara honey, can we stay married even though we're divorced?...

Sabrina Setlur: Daft Punk stole one of my beats, i kid you not, i'm fucking serious, i have the courtroom win to prove it...

Boris: VICTORY IS MINE!!!.........Sayeth The Lord...but i'm the German Michael Jordan. i'm Ginger Jesus over here. so i don't have to follow God, i'm God. how did i end up here? i don't remember my birth.

Takahashi: the animation tho, right? i'm LOVING the slow-mo with the tennis ball, the slow motion of the tennis ball, the hang time, the tensious anticipation of where the ball is gonna land, in or out, hit the line or no...

Laertus: i know, i really dig this. good job, Alex P. Gibney, i see what you're doing there. this is something i've been philosophizing over for DECADES. what i've been saying, a MERE INCH, a mere CENTIMETER, determines your FATE. if the ball is IN at just the right moment, you win Wimbledon and land a model for a wife. if the ball is OUT in the first round, you become a nobody and have to scrounge off your sister.

Roger Federer: oh i remember this!!! when Boris Becker won his first Wimbledon at age 17, i was watching this!!! i think, i dunno, maybe i wasn't born yet. in the '80s, right? Boris LAUNCHES HIS ARMS IN TRIUMPH HIGH IN THE AIR!!!

Roger: THOSE SHORT SHORTS THO!!! i mean SHIT the SHORTS tennis players had to wear in the '80s. what if you had a big butt like me? i would be so embarrassed to wear those things, those aren't white shorts, they are two sheets of one-ply white toilet paper stuck to your tuckus, glued to your buttcheeks.

Roger: WHO THE FUCK IS KEVIN CURREN?!!!

Roger: WOW!!! this is FASCINATING!!! i never knew this before!!! you see what i'm saying? about tennis being the ultimate game of inches, not golf...

Laertus: ...

Roger: think about it, think about the real-time ramifications of time and space. Euclidian time machine. Albert Einstein wearing a tennis headband around his wild hair and sticking his tongue out. Boris Becker in his maiden Wimbledon is playing here in the 3rd Round. he takes a tumble as he is wont to do during one of his many signature DIVES. he cracks his ankle and can't walk anymore. Boris is JUST ABOUT TO RETIRE FROM THE MATCH!!! he WALKS over to the net to SHAKE THE OPPONENT'S HAND IN DEFAULT!!! and AT THE LAST SECOND, moment in time like slow-motion, his coach Ion Tiriac gives young Boris a stern mustachioed look from the stands that prevents Boris from coming WITHIN MILLISECONDS OF GIVING UP. Boris goes I GUESS I'LL TURN AROUND, he calls for the trainer instead, he sits down at his bench and sees how the ankle holds up for the remainder of the match. the rest is HISTORY, Boris finishes the match with a win, and he goes on to win Wimbledon!!!  

Boris: i know, right? i was all ready to give up and call the match on myself. if that had happened, i would have been an unknown 17-year-old boy with red hair and red matching freckles the rest of my life, nobody would have heard of me. instead i go on to win a VERY UNLIKELY Wimbledon and become a megawatt superstar global celebrity and world icon!!! it's all about the CHOICES WE MAKE at those very PRECISE MOMENTS IN TIME that determine EVERYTHING.

Roger: i always wanted to dive like you, Boris. i admired you for putting your body on the line every time like that.

Boris: my best dives were on concrete. so many skinned knees...

Roger: but i never wanted to messy up my chiffon lace beige cotton wool Wimbledon sweater with the cross-stitch i always wore when i played at the All England Club. the sweater with the one button, didn't want to dirty it.

Jen R: did someone say sweater stitch? with one big button?

Australian-rules football player: get Boris out of that beige sweater and onto the field, i'll MASSACRE 'im!!!

Ion Tiriac: i do not cry tears. why wasn't this documentary about ME?!!! LOOK AT ME!!! i'm a character in an Ibsen play. i'm a Dostoevsky character, a Dostoevsky brother. i'm Tommy Wiseau but successful. i'm a WALKING CHARACTER, i'm LITERALLY the Romanian Godfather. i'm Pasqually from Chuck E. Cheese on crank.

Ion: look at all my CARS!!! just the CARS THEMSELVES need a show of their own!!! i just have 10 yellow Jaguars, my garage is a hollowed-out bunker from the war. it'll be better than that British car show, that host is a tool. and they call ME the Brasov Bulldozer!!! ELECTRIC CARS? cars run on ion-atom energy? PFFFT, that's stupid, electric sports cars are STUPID. 

Ion: you know, if i can be serious for a moment, i'd like to talk about Simona Halep and thank her for her courage. this woman is stronger than ME, stronger than all of us. what this poor woman has been through in her life and career, this girl had breast REDUCTION surgery as the ULTIMATE SACRIFICE for the game, for the sport of tennis she loves more than her tits. 

Simona Halep: without smalling my tits i wouldn't have won any Grand Slams, my serve would have been 10mph.

Ion: could you have done that, Boris? could you have gotten breast reduction surgery?

Boris: no, Coach, i like breasts too much. 

Jen R: hi. i'm here. i'm back on this tennis court because the thing is about tennis. i'm wearing my new pink-sweater tennis skirt i got from grandma.

Jen R's grandma: borrowed...

me: hey Jen!!! how are you? how have you been?

Jen R: trying to avoid loud sounds. oh i moved in with Noah Baumbach, yeah he's doing the sequel to The Squid and the Whale entitled That Alice In Chains Song With the Wasp. did you know a wasp can eat a whale?

me: oh you're still on drugs i see.

Jen R: just Vanquish, doesn't count. you introduced me to Vanquish, hon. it's the perfect thing to take on a tennis court right before you serve or read a book. 

Jen R upskirts Lindy Lenz's tennis skirt.

Jen R: so this is your new girlfriend?

Lindy: we're taking things REAL SLOW.

Jen R: ah, so you're just gonna end up where he's your sidekick, right?

Lindy: pretty much.

me: i'm okay with that, i haven't much time left...

Coach Tiriac: you have no COMMITMENT, boy. your're gonna be hotheaded all the time because you have red hair.

Boris: teach me about money, coach, teach me about the ways of the world.

Ion: you have no friends now, the people who are near you just want your credit card. thus you shall NOT have a credit card in your pocket. 

Boris: are the rumors about Monte Carlo true?

Serano: yes, you don't have to pay to live in Monte Carlo, it's all free...

Ion: i don't trust the Australians, they play tennis with their dicks upside down.

Boris: this is the weird part tho. i don't understand this. i mean i'm a big sports star, the ONLY one Germany has.

Steffi Graf:...

Boris: i told you not to marry Andre Agassi, honey, you should have married a German woman. Germany has an image problem since the Nazis so you'd think they would do anything to let me SLIDE on the taxes and stuff, you know, cos i'm a NATIONAL SYMBOL and all. but the exact opposite happened, the government HARASSED me for some strange reason, it's just about money. they didn't let me have a house!!! they put my divorce ON TV!!!

Ion: that's the German way.

John McEnroe: i was always very nice to Boris when we played. when we squared off against each other. i taught Boris English and gave him a supply of cough medicine.

Boris: sprechen sie deutsch? do you speak Dutch?

Brad Gilbert: beating Boris Becker was my CAREER HIGHLIGHT MATCH, my claim to fame, i'm not an announcer if Boris doesn't choke.

Boris: i was angry at all airports of the world when i played you, Brad. i was mad at the wind. i was distracted.

Ion: sorry about that, young Boris, during the Brad Gilbert match i was puffing THICK BLACK puffs of cigar smoke from the bleachers, sorry about that.

Brad: i bestowed upon Boris my set of brand new luggage i won on The Price is Right. 

Mats Wilander: who knew i was a comedian? Mat with the extra S is SO COOL. it's like i eat Mott's applesauce all day.

Bjorn Borg: Boris wanted to be like me, but you have to be blond.

Stefan Edberg: i was a ballerina out there on the court, BEFORE Federer. every time i kick-served i kicked the calf muscle on my other leg with my sneaker, it was so CUTE.

Boris: i finally defeated Stefan Edberg after taking Advanced Calculus at CalState Fullerton...

Alex Gibney: why were you so hotheaded? 

Boris Becker: because i never completed kindergarten...

Laertus: i still remember that interview clearly. when the interviewer exasperated asks him, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED OUT THERE!!! and Boris goes, "well, i lost a tennis match you see." it's on Today, right? with Matt Lauer?

Boris: what's the big deal? BONKING is the greatest word for having sex ever. 

Barbara Becker: what's the big deal? why was there such a FUSS made about my nude photos in the press? look at the pictures, NOTHING'S SHOWN!!! there are no naughty bits shown, it's all COVERED UP!!!

Boris: nude pics are okay as long as i'm wearing my wedding ring...

Boris: i did all the endorsements. i got paid nothing. no money. but i'm grateful, the greatest piece of clothing i own STILL OWN to this day is this Coca Cola windbreaker i'm wearing now...

Laertus's dad: so this documentary just sorta ENDS RIGHT THERE?.........without any resolution?.........oh i see there's a Part 2.........but Part 2 is NOT on losmovies, so.........this is the end for ME...

Roger Federer: thanks for this film ONLY SHOWING MY LOSSES!!! thanks a lot, pal.

John McEnroe: you're welcome.

Novak Djokovic: because Boris Becker, a known felon, was my coach, that's why i went down the criminal road with the whole vaccination thing...

Boris: so who's fault was it? IT WAS ALL ION TIRIAC'S FAULT.........all the bad investments and illegal tax shelters and shitty sports cars that ran on leaded paint, all HIM.........i didn't know anything abut money, i didn't know anything about the world, i didn't know how to live in this world...

Boris Becker in prison.

Boris: they called me Boom Boom because i could hit a tennis serve 200mph.

warden: good for you. do you want to go on our jail toilets?

Boris: no, i don't go poo, Germans don't poo. i WILL tell my son tho, "son, take care of your shit..."

Boris: whatever you think of me, i am NOT A RACIST. my wife Barbara Becker is black.

Barbara Becker: my favorite character is Gareth's wife on Chef...

Boris: in fact it seems the ONLY women i go for are luscious chocolate, i like my milk chocolate milk. that means something, that's a platform of peace to stand on, that's a cool thing to stand for in this world, ESPECIALLY because i'm a German.

Boris Becker: so what did i do after i got out of jail? i started dating Emma Raducanu. six months later, Emma Raducanu became my wife. g'night folks.

Emma Raducanu: i'm only gonna wear the wedding band when i'm out on court, okay?...