notes:
* Michael Jordan: the Sam Bowie Draft. Michael Jordan to the Bulls, let's see how this works out...
Michael Jackson: so i'm gonna have to be working with this guy, huh?
Michael Jordan: 1984 was a good year, not all that doom and gloom...
Charles Barkley: how many championships am i gonna win?
Michael Jordan: because of me, you're gonna be surprised...
* Oscar Mayer Wienermobile: we had to change the name to Frankmobile, we were getting complaints from the neighbors...
* Oscar Mayer Wienermobile: the Frankmobile with love and dedication is named after that husky-voiced guy from Millennium...
* Formula 1: nobody cares about the other races, the only Formula 1 race that matters is the MONACO STREET RACE.
Serano: yes. it's the only race that's worthy of the name Grand Prix.
Melbourne: it's because no one still quite understands how they're able to drive 100 Formula 1 racecars around curves of a tiny-as-fuck small microstate beset on all sides by a ring of active volcanos.
James Bond in a jetpack: Monte Carlo is an island onto its own, it's in the shape of one GIANT green-felt poker table, NOT a roulette wheel...
* Angela Bassett: when you don't get the Oscar, you get a scar. Oscar scar. oSCAR.
Scar from The Lion King: tell me about it. Disney doesn't empathize with its villains...
* Lucio: Santa, bro, really? YOU?!!!
Santa Claus: i sent out that spam call, sorry.
Lucio: Santa spam, that's a new low for the world.
* Doryce: Rusty Lake? that's my vagina on Thursday mornings...
* Justin Suh: it's pronounced Suh. like suck. don't you dare. don't you dare. i'll whip your ass in golf and steal your caddie's girlfriend. your looper will be so loopy he'll quit golf and take up gravedigging.
* Kanye: hello. i'm a TikTok rapper from Montana...
* Mr. Bean: Hapka? i got 5 1s, mate!!! 11/1/11, November 1, 2011. not to mention the 3 exclamation points. New Age started with the Druids...
* BDO babe: you know my righteous swinging tits, right? they're known as the Closer Tits. my tits close the deal. looking for some closer capital? no you can't touch them.
* nostomania: The Noid's nostalgia. not for Domino's pizza but for a nice New York Slice...
* youtube: a bunch of people making panic videos about everything.........but why?...
* Alberto Vargas: imagine if Walt Disney drew exclusively nudes...
* Jessica Alba: you didn't think i had it in me, huh.
Cash Alba: i did. after all, you married me and my name is Cash. i inspired you from the start of our relationship, all you were thinking about was cash. i'm her husband...
* Stephanie Abrams: misty May mornings. and then June Gloom. nobody sees me anymore.........nobody watches Pattrn...
* Leslie Sbrocco: Check, Please. get it? as in please check the food out to see if it's good...
* Leslie Sbrocco: this is the show where one foodie recommends a restaurant in the better half of the state and the the other two check it out to criticize it.
Peter Griffin: does the winner get to suck on your tits?
Leslie: there's no winner, Peter...
* Michael J. Fox: did you see in Bright Lights, Big City when it started to look like my Diet Pepsi Super Bowl commercial? the choice of a new generation...
* Rinvoq.
man: they give you flour in the worst package imaginable. flour sacks should be used only when there's no bricks...
woman: i'm a female high-school boys swimming coach? yes please. when do i upgrade to water polo? it's me, Margot Kidder. i'm still here. the media got it all wrong. you see Wolverine is my husband. and we have lunch every Thursday with Yogi Bear up on Canyon Mountain. Canyon Mountain makes good bikes but i can't ride on account of my bum spirit. did we win Standing Rock?...
Katie Douglas: why do i only play kidnap victims? Ms. Kidder, remember when you did that guest spot on my show Spooksville?
Margot: that was the last thing i ever did. Canadian horror, appropriate.
* Margot Kidder: i was irritable on set, Ms. Douglas, sorry. i was irritable on every set i was ever on my whole career for some reason. my life was like that 1990 Canadian anthology series Saying Goodbye...
* Lily from AT&T: how did that professional chef cut his finger off like that? that seems so careless.
couple: thanks, we were just about to eat our Michelin steak.
Lily from AT&T: i like the service here.........get it?.........never eat cooked clams, trust me...
* Gordon Ramsay: i want to fuck Lily from AT&T but she's too chipper...
* We Are All in the Finals: narrated by Xavier: Renegade Angel. we are all the NBA. except those not part of the Council of Ten...
Tony Hawk: i can jump higher on my skateboard than the arc of Steph Curry's 3-pointer.
Laertus: champagne or just pain, good piece of writing there.
* Beer Country: this is what BoJack Horseman live-action would look like...
Budweiser Clydesdale: beer country, it's just Montana. i'm gonna win the Preakness tomorrow...
* The Home Depot: you know when you look at your walls and ask yourself what can i do over there and over there and over there? a blue buffet, invisible wallpaper, a chandelier for the dog, and a FOURTH coating of paint. but then you look at your smartphone and it says you have no money...
* Amazon Prime chef.
chef: i watch The Boys for the food...
Brooke Trantor: ...
* Linkedin laundromat.
ginger girl: what's the purpose of a laundromat? to make Vaporwave music, the laundromat is your studio. what's the purpose of a dry cleaner's? to ride that curly conveyor belt of vacuum-packed plastic suits, dresses, and shoes...
* Amazon bedroom.
mom: i bought my boys a tent and made their bunkbed of squabbling squalor into a Whole New World of a blue and neon-blue water wonderland deep down below under the sea. learning about fish, starfish, crabs, and a plump purple granny whom they already find attractive.
boys: mom, we want to go see The Little Mermaid.........the 2023 The Little Mermaid.
mom: i raise good boys.
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: late-night horse racing? late-night golf? all i know is there are ONLY TWO places that are open LATE: Wendy's and Denny's. but is 12AM really THAT late?...
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