notes:
* Boris Becker: my life is QUANTUM PHYSICS. the choices i made, it's all alternate timelines in the quantum sphere. the quantum sphere, round like a tennis ball...
* Gwyneth Paltrow: you were a good sex partner, Brad.
Brad Pitt: but was i hot in bed?
Gwyneth: you were technically excellent, not hot.
Ben Affleck: how was i?
Gwyneth: you were Superman.........from your movie, it's all an act, you're not Superman in bed...
* the crones at Cornwall.
Gladyce: lovely beaches, dear.
Doryce: i wanna eat your pasty.
Gladyce: best offer i've had all day.
* Leo Messi: yeah that's me in that Skyrizi commercial with the tambourine and the Hawaiian shirt. i'm retired now, right?...
* Anthony Bourdain: The Geography of Bliss?!!! I DON'T THINK SO!!! I SAY OTHERWISE!!!...
* Oldo: the missing monk...
* Dina Shihabi: my onscreen nudity is REVOLUTIONARY...
* Jewel House: where Jewel recorded her last great album, Spirit...
* elevenses: for elven folk only...
Elvis: ...
Mark Hapka: the hobbits created 11:11...
* Rachel Bilson: i like to be manhandled in the bedroom.........by a woman. BUT NOT BY THAT BULLY BITCH MISCHA BARTON!!!
Hayden Christensen: hey Rache, you said in the press that Bill Hader's got a longer lightsaber than me...
Rachel Bilson: oh, Happy 4th by the way, Hay, May The Fourth Be With You.
Hayden: yeah, thanks a lot.
Bill Hader: can i have some scallion pancakes?
* Coriolanus: Rated R for bloody violence.........the British meaning of bloody...
* Coriolanus: look at my Roman butt. i got a better backside than David from that Statue. i got a Coriolanus anus.
* avocados and insurance from MEXICO!!!
* Roger Federer: tennis is DEAD without me...
* Rybelsus.
park ranger: you know what a coati is? a big-ass raccoon little brother who was kicked out of the Royal Family. DO NOT MESS WITH THE COATI, ma'am, don't mess with the coati's tail, sir, covid is over, act right in this world.
* Peyton Manning: can i do a commercial for you guys?
Subway: NO. you're in too much stuff, Peyt, you don't have to be in EVERYTHING. we got Steph Curry, Steph's better than you.
* Ben Barnes: T-Mobile gave me a prison jumpsuit that has never been sewed in quite this fashion before, there has never been a prison jumpsuit with TEAL stripes. very cute. i talk to Tweety the Bird because she's real, that's not my phone. i did trip on purpose, for comedy. and drugs. only behind bars do you see those cute little grey stonemason bathroom mugs with the little toothbrush made of a sperm whale's humpback thistles from his teeth when Grandpa sailed the seas as Popeye with Ernest Hemingway as a skinny ship's mate in 1910...
* Ben Barnes: one more thing about T-Mobile. the rope was a Vaudeville gag, it was a large vase. no flowers in it cos my dame Betty Boop left me for Wimpy during the Depression cos i couldn't afford a brown bottle of booze. that's my Grandpa's rope he used to spear Moby Dick...
* Amber Friendly for Progressive: you know when you go for an audition, the casting director is thinking more like HOW WOULD IT BE TO WORK WITH THIS ACTOR rather than CAN THIS ACTOR ACT? think about it. this means more than some stupid bowling trophy.
* Heineken Silver.
king: so like our world is Vikings meets Game of Thrones. think about it. permanent grey-blue skies. you've taken too much from me already, knave, you took the cannonball in my pants and stole credit for inventing sliced mutton pie. i'll be DAMNED if you make my daughter your familial bloodline, too.
knave: hear me out, pops. i've invented this tool of torture called the chastity belt...
* Elaine Welteroth: no, i'm not that cook from The Chew...
* PNC: it looks like an idyllic small town, doesn't it? but look CLOSER. that's not sugar in the glass fluted rocket-shaped dispenser, it's crystal-meth crack cocaine. there are gummy fish in the fishermen's nets. that's not a cool Vaporwave bus at night, those glowing lights come from a radiation leak from the local fireworks factory. only Jesus can clean up the streets. y'all need Jesus.
* The Home Depot commercial: is Susan Dean in this one?.........it looks like her.........but it's not her...
* Cotton: without cotton there wouldn't be Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. you wouldn't exist cos the couch you were conceived on was cotton. that was one soft sofa. when you go skateboarding tho, make sure your kneepads are cotton but your helmet ISN'T...
happy weekend, my babies.
this will be the first time i'm riding in The Kentucky Derby with DoorDash by my side. a Triple Dip sandwich from Togo's contains no au jus, no jus, that's not justice. my Coronation Cock is itchy in my trousers, i'm trying to rest it, let it rest, it's fidgety from nerves of excitement and anticipation. i have to get up EARLY to pee. Coronation Quiche? i still haven't tried the Coronation Chicken from 70 YEARS AGO!!!...
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