Michael Jackson: well here we are. at the world premiere of Captain EO in the 1980s. global premiere, before anyone else in the world here at Disneyland. even before Japan.
Luke Russert: do they mind if i bring my E.T. backpack in with me?
Michael: no i don't mind. you know it's very interesting. the mind. the perception of the mind. it was one thing when you saw Captain EO as a kid, you didn't remember nothing, but watching Captain EO now as an adult you really see the world before you, you notice all the little hidden outer-space details.
George Lucas: yeah so basically this is a Star Wars ripoff i did especially for you, Michael, cos you're my friend. i had my friend Steven Spielberg do all the work, i was busy sleeping. it's a lot of work doing one of these Star Wars things. 3 times...
Steven Spielberg: i'm doing this as a favor specifically for you, Michael. cos you're my best friend. later i'll be doing the Universal Studios Tour and "directing" in quotes the "Liberian Girl" video. i know i know, it's YOU who is really directing that video.
Michael: your cap is so CUTE, Steven.
Michael Jackson with the BIGGEST GRIN on his face smiles all throughout the grounds driving the streets of Disneyland like a wild man in curves and chicanes and Magic-8 turns in his Citroen minicar. the car is so tiny Michael pops his head out the roof and can barely fit his legs on the hood, the steering wheel is most of the car. the trunk is a GIANT SILVER CITRUS REAMER.
Michael: the EARLY 1980s were really PEAK MICHAEL JACKSON, you know?
Dana Plato: hi Michael.
Michael Jackson: oh hi Dana, glad you made it. you can be my tenderoni for this date. the fact that you're blonde, have freckles, and are white makes it so much better, you know?
Dana: it's more of an auburn. can i be in your "Liberian Girl" video?
Michael: sorry, toots, we already got Blossom.
Jan Jackson: HI DANA!!!
Dana: do i know you? i know JANET Jackson from that one episode of Diff'rent Strokes we did together, remember?
Jan: oh yeah i forgot, it's so confusing now, i confuse MYSELF, i'm thinking i AM Janet Jackson cos that's what everybody says to my face. as if we look alike and are all the same person. are you friends with Janet?
Dana: it's more of a coworker situation.........it's tough when you're on the #1 show in the country, you know? a lot pf pressure for a white girl like me to keep street-cool in the urban jungle of New York City...
Michael: Luke, i don't want to show you the Disneyland Candy Shop.
Luke: why ever not, Mike? and i'm old enough to go on Star Tours, my uncle Luke gave me his lightsaber to stop the ride if it gets too bumpy.
Michael: *blushing* okay okay you forced it out of me, go in there but you're gonna be surprised the bad Charles Barkley way at the candy you see.
Lindy Lenz: omg they have Fruit Rollups as PASTIES!!!
me: and a GIANT MINING CART full of Nerds!!!
Sheryl Crow: and a giant swirled lollipop the size of my '80s hair the color of Vaporwave...
Michael: Vaporwave?
Sheryl: purple.
Michael stroking his chin and rubbing his crotch: interesting interesting.........this is how i'm gonna best Prince, i'll one-up his purple with my VAPORWAVE!!!
Luke Russert: i saw it. i saw it on the motherfucking shelf. and i'm crushed. my entire world is crumbling before my eyes.
Michael: sorry, Luke.
Luke: there's a 100 Years Of Disney cereal box, a BIG BOX twice as big as the 50-year box. i thought i had collected them all.
Michael: yeah and the worst part is that 100 Cereal has REAL TINY DIAMONDS in it. very hard to chew.
Walt Disney: and before you say anything yes they are blood diamonds. it was a different time back then. sorry.
me: Mr. Walt, one of your fillings is a diamond. you have a diamond for a tooth.
Walt: that's a Dwarf diamond.
Paul McCartney: hello all. sorry we're late. i got lost in the Tiki Room with all those pretty birds.
Macaulay Culkin: jolly good.
Paul: Mac is gonna play me in the Beatles movie about my life.
Michael: you as a kid?
Paul: no me as an adult.
bag lady by the animated Disneyland lined and flowered garbage can: this movie will do well in theaters.
Buerger's disease: those aren't cigarette stains...
blue wind: only found in Hawaii...
Matisse: and inside me...
Missoni: the official clothing line of Italian Three's Company...
Codrus: and the California Missions.........obviously that's a joke, i control the Missions, all that cheap labor that went into each hewn stone...
tortillas: ...
Ubrelvy swim coach: so i took the Ubrelvy and became a dolphin. but dolphin is my chronotype, i have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. i'm constantly tired...
Quentin Tarantino: streaming movies, do they even exist?...
Ryan Reynolds: are you a writer for Saturday Night Live now cos of the strike?...
David Letterman: i live in Monaco now, the Indianapolis 500 is nothing, it's a local pinewood derby compared to the Monaco Street Race. Monaco is a great place to retire. scenic. water. the totem street signs. there are no barbers in Monaco...
David Letterman: i tried to drive my F1 car through the streets of Monte Carlo. i drive an F1 car rather than taking the bus. at the first turn, i crashed into the water. my car became one of those Monaco yachts. boat boys and their toys, you know? boys with beards. my car had to be lifted out of the ocean by a nearby road crane...
sheepshead wrasse: i'm a fish with a human face...
Don Knotts: ...
Asian sheepshead wrasse: my face enchants...
Link: why does the Walt Disney World music sound exactly like Legend of Zelda music?
Walt Disney: i own you now, Link.
Link: nuh. i can just fly away on my hang-glider and escape.
Princess Zelda: Link can hide under my bed...
Takahashi: so i went to CAAMFest 2023 in San Francisco.
Dirg: the Asian film festival?
Takahashi: yes. and Asian FOOD Festival. not just eggrolls, Dirg. and Asian music. mostly electronica.
Dirg: because i listen to loud music, so much heavy metal, my ears are permanently encased in 5 pounds of hard wax, my eardrums have no stick, i'm listening at 50% capacity forever.
Takahashi: you 100% never listen to me.
Dirg: loud music causes earwax buildup.
Takahashi: i wouldn't know, i was too busy looking at Carly Severn's face and realizing she looks like a young Elizabeth Taylor in Cleopatra...
Carly Severn: i have one of those Classic Hollywood faces, Golden Age, i'm young for my age despite being old in cancer years.
CAAMFest: 11 days of indie splendor every year since Phoenix's birth. short films about how you can only make it, you can only become a success as a cook, a Vietnamese kid from Oakland, if you win Top Chef on Bravo. otherwise you're just another anonymous Asian culinary student who went to school in San Francisco with tattoo sleeves and a vat of fish sauce down your Bermuda shorts.
barrel: no cheese wedge, no crate. if you don't eat the bloodline, you're not eating fish.
jellyfish: i won't bite, man, i'm from California, i'm cool, like the ocean breeze. i go with the flow. i let the rip current take me wherever. i'm not a Decepticon octopus...
Cave of St. Ignatius: the best Manresa pizza is BY THE SLICE at Pizza My Heart...
Monaco Grand Prix: yeah but imagine if it was raining throughout the race.........a lot of hydroplaning...
Quentin Tarantino at the Hall of Presidents by Lincoln: Netflix is not the zeitgeist, I am the zeitgeist...
me: Verstappen, he's my Dutch boy.
Max Verstappen: i paint. like van Gogh.
Lewis Hamilton: and you have the daftest hair i've ever seen, mate. you got that Dutch-boy bowl-cut Little Lord Fauntleroy hair with the Donald Duck overalls.
Verstappen: that's my racing suit.
Lewis: you wear Donald Duck trousers, mate.
Mardith: one thing i've learned.
Madame Pons: yeah.
Mardith: in order for a long-distance relationship to work, you have to talk to the person online EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Madame Pons: yeah, if you miss one day it's all over.
Barbate: all the firemen who live in this city in Spain who show their naked bare butts when they put out fires, they all slap thick white creamy foamy Barbasol shaving cream on their cheeks.
Chris Matthews: ...
Jennifer Lawrence: can i bring any boy out of his shell?...
Pinocchio: ...
Sam Egan at the Disneyland gift shop: gotta love the Outer Limits trading cards. Twilight Zone never had trading cards...
Rod Serling: you know how much i loved baseball. but i loved Garbage Pail Kids more...
Barbate: a place for bearded Barbary pirates, not a place for bearded monks...
Codrus: you can't tell me what to do.
Cotard: i have a long THIN beard, very rare.
TV brown box: in the '80s there's always an episode of every show where the characters all go to a Chinese restaurant...
Lucio Rossi: spam calls? nuh, i'm distracting myself with my car radio, i'm winning the Indy 500, the first American not Italian to win the thing since the '80s.
Michael Jackson: is the radio in your car playing the fat funky beats of "Baby Be Mine"?
Lucio: i had to, i lost my milk card on the St. Cyril's playground, my milk card got stomped on and ripped apart by Matthew Makowski and his scissor boot.
Michael Jackson: okay everyone, gather round me and let's enter the theater to watch see and inspect Captain EO. look for the gravelly details. the patrons in the theater are gonna shit themselves in their silver pants when they see me enter, it's gonna be very "Thriller."
Steven Spielberg: here, Michael, hold this Mogwai in the palm of your tiny hand, don't let it go or the studio will have my ass. you CAN feed this one pizza after midnight, but it has to be Doheny Sweet Heat pizza from Pizza My Heart. you know the one with the mozzarella in the shape of ninja stars.
Michael: Steven, can you drizzle the hot honey all over my back?
Steven: no, Mike, no more, you promised that was the last time.
Anjelica Huston: as the villain in this i have to say that i look EXACTLY like you, Jacko.
Michael Jackson: very funny.
Anjelica: we're ineterchangeable parts you and i, Jacko dahlin, i am you and you are me, we could play each other. we don't need an extra we already have a stand-in.
Michael: don't call me Jacko, i hate that.
Anjelica: is this gonna be a Tina Turner thing? where you're more popular in Britain than America? no i mean we look the exact same in our STREET CLOTHES...
Steven: Babar?
Babar: yes? my dressing room's too small.
Steven: you gotta get into character to become Hooter the space elephant.
Babar: Hooter? really?
Steven: cos you have one trunk.
Babar: okay i'll take some of this dust my mom gave me up my trunk.
Dick Shawn: it's hard to believe i know but that's me as Tarzan with white hair...
Debbie Lee Carrington: if i don't get the Dynasty part there's no justice in art.
Cindy Sorensen: not from Van Nuys Blvd....
George Lucas: yeah the cast is all future cartoon voice actors, good people, good stock, they're not gonna become Heaven's Gate cultists or anything, okay?...
Michael Jackson: you know what? i'm sensing that i've peaked around this time period. call it my Peter Pan Spidey sense. it doesn't get better for me going forward. my future is bleak. my future fortunes are not good, i gotta do something DRASTIC to reverse this trend, to fight my fate.
bag lady: told ya. wait what are you doing?!!!
Michael disappears and reappears in the present at the Epcot Flower Show.
Michael: i have the only time machine in human existence in my Hayvenhurst garage. there's another time machine amongst the EO aliens. i'm a bit of a collector. i always wanted to be a green-hedge statue, now that is accomplished and i am done. give me my flowers, Perk. now what?
Michael: i gotta go back to BEFORE this all happened.
Michael POOFS and reappears in the year of Phoenix's birth on a Broadway stage, the first production of The Wiz.
Michael Jackson: i gotta take this Broadway shit more seriously, it's not just a cameo. i'm not a black scarecrow. i'm the Black Scarecrow, the symbol of hope for all the boys and girls in the ghetto. i am destined not to be a singer but to be a Broadway singer...
Mickey Mouse: and i am the one conjuring all the magic you use to live your dreams, Mike. Mickey and Michael, joined at the hip and tail. magic ain't cheap, this pixiedust shit i create is expensive. how are you gonna pay for it?
Michael: put Hayvenhurst up as collateral.
Mickey: hey Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson: what? what you want, mouse? i go home to Ben.
Mickey Mouse: you and i have the same voice.
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