HAYVENHURST

Michael Jackson leisurely rides his KITT-from-Knight Rider black limousine back into the stone garage of his Hayvenhurst house in Encino. but the limousine isn't black anymore, it's white.

Michael Jackson: the limousine is clear like in that Mighty Mighty Bosstones video with the orange Fall leaves all around, all the orange leaves reflecting onto the clear-like-a-mirror limousine making the limousine in fact orange-leaf-colored.

the stone fountain of the always-autumnal courtland speaks to Mike deeply, for it's the last turn. the mirror limo escapes that last band of light to lose its mirroredness and bud as it enters safely the cocoon.

Michael Jackson: Hayvenhurst is home. it's my castle, it's my fortress. i'm protected on all sides when i'm in this brown square, the cobblestone culls around me. away from press, the media, music critics, critics of my dancing, and my family. it's my sanctuary. shit it's my dancefloor where i can come up with new dance moves that maybe the critics will like better. and it's only a block away from St. Cyril's School, my cousin goes to St. Cyril's. there will be many a birthday party in this area under a grey sky of paid-for arcades and bought batting cages, Formula 1 cars owned by me that are pepperoni-pizza-colored. see this isn't a mansion, this is my hiding abode...

the three approach Michael Jackson's fort with equal parts trepidation and ebullience.

Luke Russert: don't know about you but i'm excited. my cheeks are BUSSIN' with rosy red!!! could be an Irish thing.

me: i'm feeling uninhibited right now.

Lindy Lenz: i'm wary. i'm more into Prince, sorry. 

me: so the kitty litter.

Lindy: yeah.

me: the cats PLAY in that kitty litter like it's their own private Oahu beach, all the globe-sized pebbles are EVERYWHERE in my room. 

Lindy: well you know this is a chance for you to do some honest work for a change, don't rely on the maid, don't rely on Rosa, YOU VACUUM. 

me: i don't have a vacuum.

Lindy: i'm caring for a sick bot right now, it's a LOT OF STRESS. but i believe i can talk to someone for you who can help you once he gets better...

Luke Russert: we have to stock up on supplies for the next leg of our journey. which can only mean one thing.

me: foodstuffs? like venison and haggis?

Luke: no, cereal. i can't eat anything too heavy as you can see from my body type. is there a The Store near here, Mike?

Michael Jackson distracted reading a glossy college magazine: take my key, the key is chained to the birdcage.

Luke travels to The Store a block away riding his backpack that has turned into a bicycle.

Luke: how can one do the groceries without a car? i've never been able to figure that one out, to solve that mystery. as you can see from these tight aisles there are TWO CEREALS that are ULTRA RARE right now, I HAVE TO HAVE CEREAL. the Disney 50th Anniversary cereal.

Lindy: oh come on, man, that's just sugar!!!

Luke: you sound like my mother, she was the disciplinarian of the family. she hated cake balls. she published an expose on Michael Jackson's weird sex stuff and weird medical stuff.

Lindy: oh you'll like this box, Luke, it's Looney Tunes cereal with red twisted Tasmanian Devil cereal pieces.

Luke: ultra rare, Taz spaz pieces. i need to get this cereal NOW because there's no guarantee it'll be on that shelf tomorrow much less two weeks from now. SEIZE THE CEREAL DAY!!! whack that wheat, grab that germ.

me: to be fair they're red balls. they probably taste like cherry like every cereal does.

Jen R: i backed up into a vodka truck.

me sanding my toenails with a nail file: girl that is so you. are you okay? what happened?

Jen R: nobody believes me but it was his fault. i had the right of way under that tunnel.

me: i believe you. i will always believe you, Jen. this is why i don't drive anymore, it's too complicated, i walk everywhere now, it's much easier.

Jen R: the vodka driver was a rude and burly man. I HAD TO GET HIM OUT OF HIS TRUCK!!! can you believe that?

me: i can imagine, that's a lot of stress. stressful situation.

Jen R: i'm like 1/4 of his weight, i had to squeeze that fatass's fat ass, extricate him from his charred smoking vehicle FOR FOUR HOURS WITHOUT BREAKS. what am i, on an episode of Highway Thru Hell?!!!

me: you must be EXHAUSTED. want some Prince purple drank?

Jen R: he called me a cunt.

me: that is RIDICULOUS.

Jen R: don't protect my honor.

me: no i know but that is ridiculous. this fatsack fuck knuckle is in the presence of an ANGEL and he can't see it. did he notice your PLUMP LIPS at all?!!! i want to wipe the grease from his eyes with a razor. 

Jen R: no violence. use your words.

me: this is YOU we're talking about, you the Woman of Heaven. this man is LUCKY having you TOUCH HIM to get him out of there. he was already free when he first cast his eyes upon your glorious face, your vibey visage. if it were me, i would have made sure i was NICE AND STUCK in the cup-holder of my hatchback jackrabbit car, i would let you MOVE ME for hours, you would have to hug me to free me for an EXTRA LONG TIME, EXTRA LONG HUG...

three talking by Michael Jackson's stone pool covered in a blanket of autumn leaves.

T.J. Watt: does the poolboy EVER come? hey did you see me take a flop while cleaning my pool the other day and tumble into my pool? ESPN's comment was now that's a dive. do you do that, too?

me: no. i've never had a pool. by the way, very Gatsby, this is a very Gatsby pool.

Jim Brown: you clean your own pool? that surprises me. i'm 50 years older than you but i can still take you, twit. you were cleaning your pool at 3PM instead of watching Sportcenter? what's wrong with you, young buck?

Montana: your wildfire smoke is decreasing our air quality over here.

Canada: it's called karma, Montana...

Laertus: to me, commercials are short films...

Secretary's Cup: the #1 killer in men is not heart disease but loneliness...

Robbie from Carmel Stone Imports: ALL of our business is Michael Jackson's Hayvenhurst estate. i've been personally working on that stone town square for 30 years of my life now, i missed my son's wedding. that built barbie bunny in the cream-colored one-piece skydiving safari suit? yeah there's some rodgering of her by me behind the stone slab. she reminds me of April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, i can't resist her California Valley Girl accent...

barbie bunny: everyone HATES my accent.

Robbie: i'm from Australia. g'day. Crocodile Dundee is dead, a stingray knifed him with Crocodile Dundee's own serrated Rambo knife, but his spirit lives on in Bayou Billy. 

barbie bunny: this suit i'm wearing isn't puffy, i'm built like a brick house.

Kevin Costner on a horse in Michael Jackson's corn backyard: i didn't cancel Yellowstone, Mary McDonnell did...

Eric Andre: yeah i'm the owner of Mage. you didn't think i was into the horses, huh? i'm sly with it like Jim Rome. i shaved my head...

Kurt Cobain: ...

Quentin Tarantino: Rick Dalton is dead.........he drowned...

Jack Nicholson courtside: this could very well be my last Lakers game ever.........unless there's a One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest sequel...

Laertus sitting down on the soft red felt of Michael Jackson's private-screening-room seats: a movie about Jennifer Lawrence trying to make an introverted awkward 19-year-old young man a man by seducing him before he leaves for college entitled No Hard Feelings. THAT IS A BRILLIANT TITLE!!! 

Jennifer Lawrence: right? i got paid for this job, both meanings.

ESPN: did you know Austin Reaves tends to a secret garden? here's B-roll of him roller-scootering to his garden by the skatepark now carrying his watercan. and Rui Hachimura, his favorite movie is Rollerball.........oh forget it...

LeBron James: thank you, ESPN. one game at a time...

Rui Hachimura: i got an anime name in real life...

Blair O'Neal on the range, the golf course in the Hayvenhurst basement: on this week's episode, i'm discussing shaft length with Dustin Johnson...

Martin Hall: can you believe this is my job? talk about a dream job. i get to be with Blair O'Neal and NOT be a dirty old man!!! golf is okay, but Florida sucks.

sugar date: the plant. the palm plant. brown sugar. the sugar that's actually brown-colored. not sugar dating...

bodikon: ironically, bodikon means "tombstone" in Japanese.

Takahashi: you mean fittingly. bodycon is not a convention...

Kimberly Chandler on Michael Jackson's beige basketball court by the fountain: why'd you marry me?

Tyson Chandler: you look like Jasmine Guy, okay?...

NES in the bay window: Nintendo Entertainment System, Neverending Story...

Leslie Sbrocco holding up a glass of wine at the longtable for Michael Jackson's bris: we don't just do East Bay, baby, we do WEST BAY, you know what i mean?...

Michael Jackson drops his cousin Jan Jackson off at St. Cyril's by pulling in the driveway which is the asphalt tetherball court. Jan wears the dark-green plaid St. Cyril's girl's uniform and thick black curls in her hair, she's the only 6th Grader in history who is able to pull of the pink-spiked-hair-rollers-in-her-hair look.

Michael Jackson: sorry, cozz, but for 20 years i didn't know your name, i didn't know who you were, that you existed, you were just another relative to me and for that i am sorry. everyone wants money from me, you know? there's no familial love anymore. everyone in my life eventually blurs into an episode of Good Times.

Jan Jackson: that's okay, Uncle Mike, i know you're busy.

Michael: am i a man? i have too many responsibilities, i just want to be a kid. to be honest this whole time i thought you were Janet...

Jan's classmates ooh and ahh in wonderment.

classmates, starry-eyed: oh my god oh oh oh it's gulp Michael Jackson!!! he's wearing the glove and everything!!!

Michael tosses his moist dirty silver glove on top of a fat kid's head.

Jan: everyone, my fellow classmates, put up your books and gather round, my Uncle Mike is gonna tell you a story.

Ms. Krause: are you sure you're not Janet Jackson?

Jan: no, Teacher, no, ma'am.

Ms. Krause: oh right. okay Mr, Michael, step in front of the class and regale us with your tale. i dub thee hitherto. Show And Tell shall commence!!!

Michael Jackson takes off his wet moist dark socks and plops them on the teacher's desk. he puts his bare feet up, cups his curly head with his hands in the back of his neck and starts reminiscing.

Michael Jackson: this is how i read. i love to read within the hallowed halls of Hayvenhurst. my Hayvenhurst home is MAGICAL under May Gray only, not July Sky!!! looking forward to that June Gloom, the magic only comes when it's an overcast sky, my place looks like Halloween all year round, perfect to promote "Thriller."

classmates: what do you read, sir?

Michael: oh everything, i like to read about languages, linguistics, and learning. i read math textbooks. i read world history, art history, the history of popcorn, and the history of circular orange Brady Bunch shag carpets. i'm teaching my chimpanzee how to ride an emu. i'm learning how to be a father BEFORE i have kids, how to parent in an alcove. ah the 1980s, what an innocent time. i taught E.T. the finger thing...

Michael Jackson: i have a collection of 300 pinball machines, one is an ULTRA RARE pinball machine officially licensed by the movie Purple Rain, there's only one in existence, they only made one, and it's in MY garage, Prince is PISSED about that...

Jan Jackson: okay class, i have to go now.

classmates: AT NOON?!!! YOU HAVE A HALF DAY?!!!

Jan: yeah, Uncle Mike is taking me to the concert tonight.

classmates: lucky.

Ms. Krause: can i come early?

Michael: no.

Ms. Krause: dangit.

Michael takes Jan to the concert at night, behind the GIANT BLACK CURTAINS backstage is Sheryl Crow.

Michael Jackson: oh hi Sheryl!!! i didn't recognize you with that crazy '80s hair!!! it's so HIGH, so FRIZZY and TANGLED. how much hairspray do you use?

Sheryl: not as much as you. Michael, please tell me Frank DiLeo isn't here.

Michael: don't worry, i fired him a decade ago. do you want to be my manager?

Sheryl Crow: sure. let me just squeeze out of this slinky beaded chiffon dazzling gold disco dress and the first-ever Redbottoms.

Michael Jackson gets up on stage to an adoring crowd of over 373,456 in attendance.

Michael: HELLO.........SEATTLE?!!! this seems like a good strong Kurt Cobain crowd. hey everybody say hello to my cousin Jan.

Jan blushes in the middle of the mosh pit as the crowd swarms on top of the lanky child. 

crowd in unison: hello, young lady.

Jan: technically i'm your niece but these distinctions don't matter in the end.

Michael Jackson: that's Jan, everyone, not Janet. Janet Jackson is not here, Janet Jackson has left the building. okay, i know why you came out here in the pouring rain to hear me sing, i know you came for ONE SONG AND ONE SONG ONLY YOU WANT ME TO SING LIVE from my new album Thriller. pretty good album by the way, huh? a marked improvement from my last album. you're here for one reason only, get ready as i sing for you "Baby Be Mine..."