notes:
* Marilyn Monroe: you know the LONG LONG LONG straightaway road that leads to the Masters with the magnolias on either side? golf? well imagine that but with orange, red, and yellow leaves...
* Colin: tree-peeping, we have that in England...
* King Charles III: the Anointing with Holy Oils that takes place secretly behind that screen? it's my blanket, my blankie, my binky, when i was a young boy suckling on the Queen's teat. that blanket is a Monty Python tapestry. you know what goes on behind the scenes? cocoa butter. the oil used is cocoa butter...
* Wendy's.
Wendy's woman: Tyler gets in the mood for our new Strawberry Frostys by getting sunburned all over his body in a dark shade of pink.
Tyler: it'll even out, right? i'm not doing this for Chocolate Frostys...
* Luke Russert: at our first stop we are helping a poor old woman get rescued off a deserted island country. she survived for a month on nothing but wine and lollipops. ma'am, how did you do it?
The Pope: faith. plus Buddha brought me some Tootsie Pops.
Buddha: that ain't chocolate in the middle. it's owl droppings.
The Pope: i used the lollipop sticks for vibrators at night, a girl's gotta have fun while she waits, right?
Leslie Sbrocco: and i provided the wine. i kept my girl company the whole month on the island. i was her supplier of Communion champagne...
* Michael Weiss: all my followers are 100% spam. anybody else have this on their Instagram?...
* fair air: baseball farts. or an outdoor market.
* Santa: i am a sugar dream. that's a good thing. if you have a salt dream, that's a bad omen.
Madame Pons: Sugar Dream, Salt Dream, these were all LUSH Soaps before Santa Claus existed...
The Body Shop: we got hemp masks...
* A Place For Mom:
daughter: i love you, mom. how's your nursing home?
old mom: why did you do this to me? this place is TERRIBLE. THERE'S NO HOPE HERE. EVERYONE HAS GIVEN UP HOPE. a rest home is just a place to wait to die.
daughter: Happy Mother's Day, mom.
old mom: you guys just wanted to dump me off, huh. you wanted to shift the responsibility to the state...
* Boston butt: when Doryce visits the firemen at the station on Thursday...
* Leslie Sbrocco: i'm sorry but we've run out of restaurants...
* Leslie Sbrocco: you like it raw?
sweater man: what?
Leslie: your fish.
sweater man: i only eat fish in fish burritos.
Lesie: i'm sorry but that tortilla is burned as fuck!!!
* Gordon Ramsay: i don't get the whole tattoos thing. all chefs have a sleeve of tattoos on their arm. I DON'T HAVE TATTOOS!!!
* three-sided coin: you always win. and you always lose.
* El Nino: there will be ZERO HURRICANES this year...
* Boc: my favorite thing in the world to do is take the trash and recycling bins back inside the Treehouse in the morning...
* Chonkosaurus: a Tyrannosaurus Rex with big hands.
* Sanna Marin: i'm sorry but i can't quit the dance. the dance has overtaken me, Finland will have to wait. i have to FUCKING DANCE!!! besides, i'm WAY TOO YOUNG to be married. look at me, i wanna fuck, you know?
* spikenard: when you wash your Garbage Pail Kid cards in holy anointing oil to increase their value.
Adam Bomb: it still doesn't work with Blasted Billy.
Giz Moe: what kind of fucking name is Grem?...
Greykid: ...
* father in yellow shirt: go out there in the world and make us proud, son.
boy in yellow shirt: isn't there child labor laws against this sort of thing?
father: why is your yellow Barbie car better-looking than my yellow Lambourghini?
boy: bye, Uncle Emu.
Limu Emu: uncle? no, kid, i'm LIMU Emu, not LIL Emu...
* Charles Barkley: hello New Chuck!!! holy fuck do i wish i was like you again. time machine. back when i was skinny and my Round Mound of Rebound was a grape.
New Chuck: do you know what non-creamy gouda is? curds and whey. how many championships am i gonna win?
Old Chuck: you're gonna be surprised.........7, one more than my nemesis Michael Jordan...
TOMORROW: Jack in the Box. wait aren't all hamburger patties RIB-EYE STEAK?
i love you, mom
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