God: you two are really soul mates, huh?
Thomas Merton: yeah.
Margie Smith: yes.
God: please, dear child, use your God-given name.
Knickers: okay.
Thomas: wait, are you Buddha?
God: yes i am. Buddhism is the correct religion. Buddha was the right god. SEE? SEE, TOMMY?!!! you were RIGHT to go against the bitter grain of the monastic hierarchy and explore other religions, other faiths, other EASTERN faiths.
Thomas: i was trying to blend them all into a noxious toxic beet-flavored soup.
Buddha: while THEY were busy trying to keep their beer farms...
Buddha: you two are REAL soul mates, after all i deemed it so. i made it so you two would meet in such a way, in such a LONG PROTRACTED CONVOLUTED COMPLICATED fashion. i love CUTE-MEETS!!!
Knickers: what's Buddha's favorite movie? do NOT say Clint Eastwood.
Buddha: i really love what you two have got going here. i want you two to CROSS YOUR TEAR STREAMS for eternity.
Buddha: Thomas, this thing you've got going here, it really is a rotten deal. it sucks.
Thomas: tell me about it, i have to be STUCK IN HERE THE REST OF MY LIFE to get into Heaven. to get granted the keys to the kingdom.
Buddha: and it's not even the right set of keys!!! mine has a fuzzy rabbit's foot on the keyring!!!
Thomas: how much longer am i gonna live?
Buddha: um, for you Thom, i'm giving you.........let's see.........100 more years to live.
Thomas: OH COME ON!!! FUCK THAT SHIT!!! FUCK MY LIFE!!! I'M STILL A YOUNG MAN!!! I'M 50!!! I'M A GOD-DAMN MAN IN A BOX!!! I GOT MY WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME TO WASTE BEHIND THIS WALL!!!
Buddha: but that's naturally. what if i told you i could give you an OUT?
Thomas, drooling, looks at Knickers. Knickers nods at Thomas like a guy.
Knickers: an IMMEDIATE out?
Buddha: yeah, toots, don't worry about it, you guys are gonna be given a PLEASURABLE OUT.
Thomas: how's this gonna go down?
Buddha whispers the plan in Thomas's ear and out Knickers's ear.
Buddha: that's how shit's going down, sweetheart.
Thomas: okay but before we start, i only like Thai food. not Vietnamese food. that's not racist, i'm not a racist, it's just my personal preference. i eat Thai food in honor of Thai Guy, my beloved fellow freshman Crespi student, he was the one who introduced me to Eastern mysticism, Thai Guy is the gateway drug. and i don't want my dead body to be onboard any United States military aircraft, one of those big-ass tin dirigibles, i am ANTI-WAR as you know.
Buddha: yes yes, you are a vocal critic of the war, that's why this is perfect, we'll make it seem like the CIA did it. we'll FRAME them, you will be a FOREVER MARTYR in the eyes of the world!!! oh btw, thank you for your stance on the war, i thank you, my people thank you.
Knickers: oh this is all very Martin Luther King Jr., ain't it, love. blimey.
Thomas: this is a nice cottage area here, nice place for a cottage conference. i saw Happy the Dwarf strolling by the cobblestone. only 1 in 7 of the Dwarfs is Happy...
Knickers: i did one too here, the subject of the talk was HOW TO GET OUT.
Thomas: can i be naked?
Buddha: i gotta give you SOME dignity. wear shorts. those tighty-whitey shorts that turn into a wet napkin upon contact with pee or cum.
Knickers: or caca.
Thomas: aw man. can i at least wear Bermuda shorts? i wanna look cool when i die.
Buddha: we'll frame it so everyone thinks you died by suicide.
Thomas: a suicide setup? how? by electrocution?
Buddha: by falling, by tripping, by hitting your head on this Hitachi floor fan here.
Thomas: ah, makes sense for the times, for the time period, Japan was eating America's lunch in those days...
Buddha: you'll have a tiny bump on the back of your head which will gush out massive volumes of blood, a red waterfall. is that okay?
Thomas: i faint at the sight of my own blood.
Buddha: perfect.
Knickers: so how's the fucking going down then?
Buddha: well, darling, you can go down on me and find out.
Knickers: i've fucked gods, presidents, and kings. mostly peasants. so how's the fucking gonna work then?
Buddha: you two will have CELESTIAL SEX the likes of which have never been seen or done before or since. you two, get on the mattress of this motel bed.
Thomas: cottage bed.
Knickers: it's a motel bed, Buddha love, there's no mattress.
Buddha: do it, go for it, manhandle each other, plow each other silly until both of you orgasm organically, cum simultaneously, that's what we call in the life business celestial cum.
Knickers: we can manage that...
Chad Reynolds: yeah that was me walking out of King George III's Coronation. look at me!!! you can't miss me in the crowd!!! LOOK HOW TALL I AM!!! i was the one wearing the Burger King paper crown to represent Canada. i am the king of Tim Hortons.
Hayden Christensen: we have a kid you know.
Rachel Bilson: i know. our daughter is Princess Leia.
Carrie Fisher: do you want me to be your mommy?
Rachel Bilson: PLEASE be my mommy, Carrie Fisher!!!
Red Dress Day: to REDRESS the wrongs, to REDRESS the terrible societal problem of Indigenous women and girls going missing.
Kentucky Derby: there was 1 horse in the race...
Lorne Michaels: they're saying the Writers' Strike will be over the last week of May...
Pete Davidson: ...
the Funky Chicken: i only get down and dance to the groove in that Royal Caribbean commercial...
Irad: I rad.
Kentucky Derby: do you believe in magic?...
Uncle Sigh: i'm a horse. you can only drink genuine Kentucky bourbon if the ice you use is perfectly round...
Scorched Earth: when the Sun has entered the red giant phase---5 to 7 billion years from now---the Earth will LITERALLY be scorched earth, it will be a scorched Earth...
Sam Egan: i wrote all the heavy Outer Limits episodes along EVERY SINGLE DIVIDING LINE humanity has to offer!!! every single fault line...
Sam Egan: it's amazing how much evidence you can uncover when someone is in the shower.........it's all right there on the bed...
Sam Egan: i predicted Obama...
the '80s: remember new cartoon movies premiering IN THE MORNING!!!...
Looney Tunes: we got kids through the Depression...
Monte Cazazza: i was the original Trent Reznor...
the Chef! cast at the monk kitchen.
Freddie Prinze, Jr.: that's me as the French sommelier on Chef!...
Lenny Henry: SOMMAGE!!!
Hilary Lyon: i'm not the woman chef from Season 1 who merely dyed her hair brown for Season 2...
Hilary Lyon: i'm actually Alan Cumming's ex-wife.
Alan Cumming: you thought i was gay, didn't you...
Alan Cumming: i just LOVE having my last name.
Gareth Blackstock: bird chefs? i approve. as long as they don't have a drink problem.
me: i am SO JEALOUS AND RESENTFUL when i see healthy people on TV...
Aldon Jacob: call me Anime Aldon...
LeBron James: i get it, Dan Gilbert. you were terrible to me, but it wasn't about me. you were deathly afraid and scared and concerned for your son Nick. you took it out on me. i get it, no hard feelings, all is forgiven. all forgiveness.
Dan Gilbert: thanks, LeBron.
the two men embrace and hug on the linoleum court.
Gordon Ramsay: how have i lived this long? how have i survived into old age with my temper? my rotten attitude and general putrid fish-smelly disposition should have equaled a fatal heart attack by now.
Gareth Blackstock: you gotta make your rants Shakespearean...
Haux: French ho
Michael Weiss: everyone on Instagram is tired. the prevailing theme to ALL INSTAGRAM POSTS is how tired everyone is...
amiannoying.com: we have a weird obsession with dead hockey players...
Thomas Merton: how lovely, how suiting, we met at a Red Cross post and now we die together inside a Red Cross tent.
Thai Guy: Red Crescent technically.
Buddha: the moon is the back of the sun. suicide isn't really that big of a deal in Buddhism. crescent nebula, bubble nebula, bubble bong. i met my mom on an oily lagoon, at the Blackrock, i met my mom for the first time, we met, we met together, my mom is Revy...
the two lovers begin manhandling each other on the bed. Knickers does most of the manhandling.
Thomas: are you gonna cum?
Knickers: like you? never. i'm almost there.........i'm crescenting.........OKAY LET'S DO THIS!!!
Thomas Merton and Knickers cum simultaneously which sends them high off the end of the bed catapulted on a bed of electrocution electricity from the floor fan's whirring blades, revving rotors, and chewed wire of the outlet plug of the floor fan. a deflated soccer ball is by the foot of their bed.
the bed of blinding hurting electrocution electricity is soft like a bed of lettuce, it sends the couple high into the sky, high into the ether, and high into outer space.
Knickers: we rocked it, babe.
Buddha: HOW WAS YOUR TRIP? haha, just a little afterlife humor there. see how all the electrocution electricity has just become electricity? spirit electricity.
Thomas: are we spirits now?
Buddha yes. you're ghosts in outer space. on the wings of the Eagle. the Thai Eagle that is. how was your trip, dollface?
Knickers: i felt like when you burn your fingers on the HOT-AS-FUCK black french-fry tray inside the Ninja Foodi, you're wearing those grey gloves but they're frayed at the fingers so the gloves are USELESS.
Thomas: i felt like when you take a COLD-AS-FUCK ice shower because there's no hot water because there's a gas leak in your flat and in your monastery. you try to be a man and do the shower for 3 minutes but you can't even manage 30 seconds so instead you spongebath yourself, you splash ONE SPLASH of cold water on your neck and call it a day, you can't even rinse the shampoo from your hair nor the sticky soap from your body cos that water's too damn cold.
Buddha: there are reports in the newspapers of a dangerous sex cult having massive activities in the wood near where the Coronation took place. convening crone clearings and the like. a clearing full of crones, Coronation crones, human sacrifice, deer sacrifice, Bambi sacrifice. do you know who these people are? these forest frolickers? these babes in the woods?
Knickers: no.
Buddha: well i'll tell ya, child Knickers. they are YOU. so how are you enjoying your ETERNAL REWARD FOR YOUR LIFETIME SACRIFICE? how you enjoying the view?
Thomas Merton: what am i looking at?
Buddha: that's the sun. see? the sun isn't actually yellow, it's white.
Knickers: oh wow, well that is rather unexpected, pet.
Thomas Merton: huh. yeah. that is.........kinda.........interesting.
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