Lindy Lenz: you have to see things in a new way.
me: yeah.
Lindy: a whole new perspective.
me: from the bottom.
Lindy: like, you want all these grand things to happen with you and these women you talk with on Instagram. but that just ain't gonna happen, it's Instagram, man, it's Instagram. it's ENOUGH that these women contact you in this SPARSE MEASLY WAY at all.
me: i know, i know.
Lindy: but what you CAN do is let them know IN ONE SENTENCE how you really feel about them, THAT will last a lifetime, that will CARRY OVER FOR YEARS even if you never talk to them again!!! if you talk to them again AFTER 10 YEARS they'll REMEMBER that one thing you said to them all these years later.
me: i told Jen R
you know i'd never hurt you, right? i'd never intentionally hurt you. you're precious to me.
Lindy hugs me for the first time, awkwardly, on the edge of my square head.
Lindy: now THAT, dear one, is how it's done!!! that's how you SAY it, how you EXPRESS it. THOSE ARE THE WORDS that will lifetime her slip to your wagon.
me: her slip to my butt?
Lindy: that's gonna leave a mark. a permanent mark on her soul.
Lindy: come on, don't you feel better now? a little?
me: i feel better when i eat.
Lindy: good food or food?
me: fine food. fine-dining food. i rate the food as "fine," and then i pay the fine of the ticket lodged in my windshield under my windshield-wiper at the diner parking lot.
Leslie Sbrocco is prepping for the next episode.
Leslie: on today's show we have two other guests and THAI GUY!!! how are YOU, Thai Guy?!!! you are so handsome.
Thai Guy: thank you. even tho i'm still very short. it's the baggy balloony red corduroy jeans i wear that make my hips wider, i appear taller.
Leslie: so introduce us to this DELICIOUS Thai salad you got going on here on your plate.
Thai Guy: yeah, i love all the meat on this salad, the rib-eye steak is sliced THIN so it doesn't get the lettuce soggy. have you had larb?
Leslie: oh larb. oh lordy lordie larb. i pray to larb as my Lord. Lord Larb is my God.
Thai Guy: yeah so if it's laab that means it's with lamb.
Leslie: you saved so many lives at Crespi. just by your presence. you are so brave and courageous. if ranch dressing needs to be on my tits for world peace i'm for it.
Thai Guy: what? this is PBS, right?
Leslie: one time our trio of guests was discussing some shit chicken thing and we ended up saying, "you two need to get a room!!!" that's the extent of sexual innuendo on PBS. also this fat guy at our table was saying he could only take a PINCH of spice so i said to him, "around here we call that a SPANK OF SPICE."
Peter Griffin: ...
me: i'm getting itchy again.
Lindy: you need to travel again.
me: Luke Russert is a man i have a great affection for. the two of us are SO alike, we're twinsouls, we've been through the same things in life. we both lost our father prematurely, too early, and we've been trying to BREAK NORMAL ever since but we've realized too late in life that we will NEVER recover from our dead dads. we'll be chasing our dads the rest of our lives. quality of life will be VERY POOR. do you think Luke would agree to come on the trip with us?
Luke Russert carrying a knapsack on his rucksack on his backpack: sure. i got nothing else to do. i did the politics thing, i did the sports thing, nothing left to do.
Lindy: your father was a GIANT, both meanings.
Luke: please, stop with that, that's lifetime trauma for me.
Lindy: i never intentionally mean to hurt you, Luke.
Luke Russert: let's do this!!! let's travel the world. let's hike hills and swim in illegal caves. let's form the TRAVEL TRIO!!! LET'S FIND OURSELVES, we sons and daughter of a bitch.
Luke Russert: remember, Beckley is not Berkeley...
me: it's so cool traveling with you, Luke, i feel like an Apostle!!!
i get down on one knee, i place the paper Tim Hortons crown on Luke's head, and i kiss Luke Russert lovingly on Luke's cheek...
Shabba Doo: you wanna breakdance? you must make funny faces.
Boogaloo Shrimp: and make puppets with your hands.
Jim Henson: yeah do Muppets with your hands.........but without the Muppets...
Jim Henson: make your hand into the shape of a snakehead...
Buddha: i am the reason Belinda Carlisle didn't die of a cocaine overdose...
Gordon Ramsay: maybe i should get into Buddhism...
Belinda Carlisle: i'm a better chanter than i am singer. i'm putting out an album of just my Buddhist chants...
Laertus's dad: don't worry, LeBron, i'll keep an eye on Bronny on the USC campus...
Buddha: faith doesn't block sex, but it is sort of a condom...
frozen card: when the mob silently slits your neck with a credit card at the docks...
Diane Keaton: how is it i've never played Gloria Steinem in anything?!!! talk about PERFECT CASTING!!!
Russ Landeau blowing his panpipes by the synthesizer: why am i not on tour with Peter Gabriel?...
George Santos: don't call me the Long Island Liar, call me the Long Island Lolita, i don't give a fuck.
Babbel commercial: this is a lost episode of French In Action.
man: Chloe, i don't know how to say this to you in French, but i'm happy you're marrying another man. you're officially part of the Cowboy Bebop family now. i never wear pants. you're only supposed to do yoga upside down, right? my orange fish have better sex lives than me. i'm still in love with you, Chloe.........but this time i have an excuse, i am a French man now, so i'm automatically in love with ALL WOMEN...
Balance of Nature garden pills: do you want to be an energized person during your retirement? or will you just watch TV the rest of your life until you die...
me: ...
Eye Luggage: My Week With Marilyn and go.
Ana de Armas: don't worry, this isn't the long one...
Colin Clark: what happened in this movie is 100% TRUE. this is EXACTLY what happened to me in real life. it's in TWO BOOKS, not one, that's the proof.
Michelle Williams: don't i get an Oscar for surviving Harvey Weinstein?
Kenneth Branagh: Marilyn Monroe's got nothing on Emma Thompson. i like my women OLD.
Marilyn Monroe: nobody knows what an Old Marilyn Monroe would have been like...
Eddie Redmayne: do i look like a WWII RAF pilot? can fighter-jet pilots have freckles?
Emma Watson: no i was at Brown, Brown University, the college Brown, not any brown you were thinking of in that sick mind of yours. i REALLY didn't want to be here...
Judi Dench: i have a feeling Sybil Thorndike wasn't as nice as i made her out to be...
Philip Jackson: why wasn't i a good executive in the NBA? i still can't figure it out. i'm staying calm about it. i'm staying Zen about it. it is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
Derek Jacobi: what would have happened in Vicious Season 3? it would have been revealed that my "roommate" was Doctor Who.........which obviously makes me...
Toby Jones: i was born to play Orson Welles.
Michael Kitchen: it's okay for men to be the homemaker of the family.
Julia Ormond: i'm not really THAT old. they made me WEAR WRINKLES on my face to appear older!!! atrocious!!!
Dougray Scott: i got a better New York accent than Daniel Day-Lewis...
Zoe Wanamaker: remember My Family? that was an IMPOSSIBLE British show, what British show do you know that has 120 FOOKING EPISODES!!! what would have happened in Season 12? Janey Harper would have FINALLY revealed her baby Kenzo's paternity: Kris Marshall...
Colin Clark: so i graduate from college and i'm looking for what to do with the rest of my life. it's no big deal, my parents are rich so...
Colin: should i enter the film business and work with Marilyn Monroe or work at this hardware store here? decisions decisions...
Emma Watson: become a theoretical cosmologist. feminists help out men, too, you know.
Colin: can i rent the upstairs room?
tavernkeep: you see that thatch roof up there? we reserve rooms for hobbits only.
Colin: do you rent out to strays? i'm working with Larry Olivier.
tavernkeep: nobody calls him Larry. tell ya what, kid, you get me a date with Margaret Hamilton and become a world champion in pub darts and we'll call it even.
Vivien Leigh: to this day people think i'm an American who talks in a STRONG Southern accent. do NOT drape the Antebellum flag over my coffin at my funeral!!! i don't STAND for that shit.
Colin: i got an idea: TWO houses. just like TWO books...
Eddie Redmayne: holy shit i get to fuck Marilyn Monroe AND Emma Watson!!!
Colin looks at Emma Watson.
second director: don't shit where you eat, lad.
Colin: i don't understand the reference.
second director: listen to me, third director, i've been here longer, it'll just end in heartbreak. she's only here on set for a couple of days then she goes back to college.
Colin: i can commute on a hayride, it's no problem.
Colin and Emma Watson at the Copa Cabana with Ricky Ricardo as bandleader on bells.
Colin: has he played "Babalu" yet?
Emma: how can you afford this club? for a first date? this is EXPENSIVE shit.
Colin: see this black credit card? unlimited funds. it's all my parents' money, i don't plan on ever getting a job the rest of my life, do you want to get married?
Colin: it's the '50s and this is our first date. so, let's fuck.
Emma Watson: what about my father?
Colin: i'll fuck him after.
Emma Watson: WHOA there buddy, hold your horses, i'm a fierce hardcore shimmering feminist from 2023, it ain't NEVER happening.
Colin: don't worry, i brought a condom. the first-ever condom...
Marilyn Monroe: why is everyone so mad that i need my Method teacher with me at all times? isn't that a good thing? i'm just like all you serious British Shakespearean actors.
Marilyn: The Prince and the Showgirl? sounds like airy fluff. how about i do a serious comedy instead?...
Paula Strasberg: yes. really raise your profile, kid.
Laurence Olivier: a thousand pardons, my utmost apologies, but Marilyn Monroe just doesn't do it for me. she's an airhead and she's fluff. she's a whiny brat. she doesn't get me excited. she's hard to work out, hard to work with. she's impossible.
Arthur P. Jacobs: Marilyn Monroe is the greatest piece of ass in the world, you can wait for her for a year.
Marilyn Monroe: Yardley Lavender is better than Chanel No. 5. but it's hard to find, you need Scotland Yard to find it.
press gaggle: brilliant. all these FUCKING lightbulbs, WAY too much smoke...
Marilyn: hello, Larry from Three's Company.
Laurence Olivier: what's with the Betty Boop voice? that's weird, just speak normally, Marilyn.
Laurence Olivier: we're scary but we don't bite, we're all British vampires at night. the difference between you and i, dear Marilyn, is that i MEMORIZE my lines...
Sybil Thorndike: you have a gift. you have that natural instinct to act for the camera that we theatre vets will never master. you're a prodigy, dear child.
Marilyn: thank you, ma'am, you are too kind. you're my anchor. you've made my bleach-blonde hair blush. you just need a TikTok ring light, that's all.
Zoe: YOU ARE THE BEST ACTRESS IN THE WORLD.
Laurence: i mean i wouldn't go THAT far. what about Meryl Streep?
Marilyn Monroe: i have to keep dyeing my hair blonde? i can't just have brown hair again?...
Colin: wait, this isn't fair, the audience gets to see your butt but i don't...
Marilyn Monroe: do you know how LONG it took to get my butt to look as BALLOONY as this?!!! i had to take MANY garden pills. that's a big bum in the audience's face in the theatres, mate!!!
inside the private movie theatre screening room.
Olivier: can i bum a smoke?
Colin: use one of yours, sir.
Olivier: a Laurence Olivier Brand cigarette? what is this tosh?!!! i want WEED, son. blood to blood.
Marilyn Monroe: cigarette filters are useless...
Aaron Sorkin: why does this set remind me of the I Love Lucy set i used?...
Olivier: why are you always late?
Marilyn: i wish i were pregnant. that would solve all my problems.
Olivier: no, late on set.
Marilyn: i don't have a watch.
Olivier: use mine, it's diamond-encrusted.
Marilyn: thanks. problem solved.
Olivier: why are you always forgetting your lines? stumbling over your lines?
Marilyn: i get nervous around old handsome mean men.
Olivier: i'm not mean, dahlin, i'm British.........please call me Daddy.........just ONCE, please!!!...
Colin: do you have a drugs problem?
Marilyn: that's my bottle of tub soap...
Emma Watson: YOU THINK MARILYN MONROE WANTS TO BUGGER YOU?!!! FUCK OFF, MATE!!!
boy manager: it's not gonna work, man.
Colin: and why not?
boy manager: because i've already tried it. i tried to get with Marilyn. she rejected me, she said i wasn't her type, she said i looked like Pacey, i still have no idea what that means...
Colin and Marilyn visit a museum inside a castle.
Marilyn Monroe: i hate my life. i don't want to learn any more lines. i just want to curl up and die. i want to crawl into this dollhouse and live in it, can you make me small? can you make me miniature?
Derek Jacobi: no, dear, i'm not some magic British man you see in movies...
boy student: YOU CAN WHIP ME ANYTIME, MARILYN!!!
Marilyn: how old are you, kid? this boy is like 8 years old. this British boarding school freaks me out, all these horny young boys in black witch coats, it's like some sort of Satanic cult.
Colin: yeah. and don't you love how there's no way out? four walls all around you...
Marilyn: why does Laurence Olivier hate me?
Colin: you're the new Method and he's the old method, he can't take becoming irrelevant. he wanted to direct Some Like It Hot...
Colin: so let's see here, leaf-peeping the autumn leaves and that's a nice lake over there. how about i say i skinny-dipped with Marilyn Monroe? it's just the two of us here, nobody will ever be able to tell whether this is what really happened or it's fiction...
Marilyn: wait, didn't my character on Dawson's Creek drown?
Colin: HOLY SHITE this water's cold!!!
Marilyn: don't be ashamed if your dick is small, i've seen them all.
Colin: no, i'm afraid you'll see my BONER.
Marilyn: hey can you get this thing out of my eye for me?
Marilyn kisses Colin unexpectedly, she quickly steals a kiss on Colin's lip.
Eye Luggage: oh that is a NEAT TRICK!!! i'm gonna try that out, the whole there's-something-in-my-eye routine.
Laertus: please.
Colin: Ms. Monroe?
Marilyn: call me Marilyn.
Colin: can i call you Mary? Ms. Monroe, did you ever get those balls in the mail?
Colin: hey Emma Watson, can i borrow one of your costumes? i need a black boarding-school student uniform STAT in the mail...
Arthur Miller: why are you angry, Marilyn? i'm a writer, that's what i do, i write, OF COURSE the ditsy waitress character is based on you. no offense, it's just art.
Marilyn: *perusing the draft in her eyeglasses* okay but no beach scene, okay? you promised. the waitress gets to have her baby, she brings her baby to full term. she doesn't trip on some stupid rocks along the shore. if she has OUR baby, all my problems will be over and i'll live to 100.
Arthur Miller: i can't take it anymore, Larry. Marilyn is suffocating me. the paparazzi are on my salted nuts. i gotta get out of here. can i get from London to New York City in 7 plane rides? i gotta see my kids.
Laurence Olivier: are these children your children with Marilyn?
Arthur Miller: yeah. i haven't the heart to tell Marilyn...
Marilyn: come and sleep with me, Colin. on this mattress here. sleep in my bed.
Colin: makes sense.
Marilyn: you're the only nice one, you're the only one on my side. you remind me of a boy i used to know, a boy named Dawson. he was a fuck. he cried all the time. let's spoon.
Colin: this is nice.
Marilyn: i used to spoon like this with Johnny.
Colin: Johnny?
Marilyn: Johnny Hyde, my manager. he was a Munchkin. when we spooned i crushed him and he died.
Johnny Hyde: i died happy.
Colin touches noses with Marilyn.
Colin: i'm in love with you, Marilyn. run away with me, leave all this behind, leave Hollywood behind. all this pressure is not good for your health, you're gonna end up like your father Abraham Lincoln.
Marilyn: i can't leave Hollywood, it's good for my soul. wellness happens on sets.
Colin: don't you want to work at a hardware store?
Zoe through the door: come out Marilyn. oh my bubbeleh. you're like a DAUGHTER to me!!! YOU'RE THE DAUGHTER I NEVER HAD!!!
Marilyn: can you put that in writing? i'm serious. could you in fact be my MOTHER? my real mom sucked. that would solve all my problems.
Laurence Olivier, crying: i thought she could change me, Colin. i thought Marilyn Monroe would RENEW me, would send a spark and a shiver through this old man's bones. i thought i could TAME her. but you can't tame a wildcat. she's impossible to control. i can't work her out, figure her out, she's playing chess and i'm playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. she toys with men. watch out, boy, she'll steal your heart and eat your brownbag lunch, too.
Colin: i rodgered her in the back of a black Jaguar taxi.
Laurence: i am a clown, both meanings...
Larry Olivier: SIGH, i should have married Emma Watson...
Colin: can i rent the upstairs room?
tavernkeep: you see that thatch roof up there? we only rent to Chef Gareth Blackstock and wife...
Colin: all this happened in a week? it felt like 4 years.........g'night folks.
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