me: it's just hard, you know?
Lindy Lenz: yeah.
me: this person becomes EVERYTHING in your world, you're OBSESSED with them, making sure to text them daily memes to keep them interested, this continues for 2 years every day without missing a day. and then one week happens and you don't hear from them, and then two weeks happen and you don't hear back from them, and then the next week happens and it's just OVER. they never contact you again.
Lindy: you never existed. she never existed. what was it all for?
me: this is making me feel better. because you understand. please, Lindy Lenz, i beg of you, don't take 3 months off. don't contact me and then contact me 3 months later...
Lindy: where is Jen R now?
me: no idea. her profile is permanently NO USER FOUND. it's ironic cos she was a user. i was a user, too, drugs.
me: the most beautiful thing happened to me on Instagram. i finally got a response from Jenny Baranick to one of my comments.
Lindy: what'd she say?
me: it wasn't just a flat response. it was a carefully-crafted answer that made me feel warm inside. she said when i was talking about how the Mars Blackmon Air Jordans are the greatest Air Jordans of all time:
Jenny Baranick: wait till you see the new Air Jordan shoes i just ordered.
me: it made me feel like a hearth was growing in my belly. that's the type of response a wife gives to her husband online, you know? it was like i was suddenly privy to her private life.
me: this morning i gave the cat FOUR treats.
Lindy: and?
me: 4 is an unlucky number.
Lindy: yeah don't worry so much about all that stuff, numerology is just another scare-tactic fraud.
crones Doryce and Gladyce: it is?
Lindy: do you really think life can be contained within a set of magic numbers? life is LIFE, you know? life appears ritualistic and symbolic and meaningful but it's all just random...
Popeyes: our biscuits are flaky but not as flaky as Auntie Denise...
Auntie Denise: at least i'm not in a home for the crazy like Auntie Edie...
Gladyce: i wish all crones would get along.
Doryce: Auntie Edie might be my mother...
Doryce: loose meat? me on Thursday nights...
Vijaya: ...
Gladyce: no, this is a hamburger, dear...
Medieval times: tavern sandwich...
depression helmet: or you could just listen to the band Helmet...
naster: a nasty master who fucks you whilst listening to Napster.
Greykid: i don't like carrots in my wet cat food...
8 Billion Angels: now THAT is a STARK CONCEPT...
BBC News America: BRING BACK THE CRAWL!!!
KQED Fest: will SHE be there? if she is i'm not going. and i'm not cumming.
Carly Severn: ...
Leslie Sbrocco: no. and they're making me wear blouses that don't show my tits anymore...
Leslie Sbrocco: i'm not allowed to be sexy anymore, all i am is PBS's boozehound...
Chipotle: throughput, not a typo, not an error, not a misspelling of throughout on your long curly bill...
Joshua Weissman: i even do CEREAL, y'all...
Joshua Weissman: you see how SEXY that slippery egg yolk sliding down the fingers of my hand into the powdered bowl was?!!!...
Joshua Weissman: glaze your homemade Krispy Kreme donuts and Cinnabons with TONS of white icing.........this looks like...
Doryce: my Thursday nights.........when i get lucky...
Apple oven: not an oven for rombosse, baked apple, an oven made by Apple...
Eye Luggage: Breakin' and go.
Boogaloo Shrimp: okay we gotta get this out on front street. this is THE ULTIMATE SNOWCLONE!!! right? the sequel to Breakin' is Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, whenever you want to make fun of a movie's sequel, you say [name of movie] 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Boogaloo Shrimp: you never realized Electric Boogaloo was named after ME, huh. the sequel AND the dance.
Boogaloo Shrimp: why am i named Shrimp? my mother took one look at my face and...
Lucinda Dickey: why do i look drugged in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo? i was working to make 2 movies AT THE SAME TIME. that's two sets of lines memorized on different nights. but the exhaustion on my face is more than exhaustion and sweat dripping down, look at my eyes...
Cannon Films: we're more like Chroma films, we have trauma wrapped up in the psyche of our films. this was our last mainstream blockbuster, after this we went bankrupt and straight back into porn.........we did porn BEFORE, too.
Cannon Films: have you noticed that the air of this movie, the atmosphere of this movie, it all just kinda looks like a porno? because it sorta IS!!! we're the porn company, remember?!!! the bad stilted acting, the cheap sets, the hollowed-out studios, everybody wearing funky clothes indoors, all the beds in corners of dusty flats everywhere...
Dirg: yes.
me: yes. all instantly recognizable as porn to me. i'm an expert.
Cannon Films: yeah after this we did exclusively our fellow porn compatriot Spading Gray's monologues...
Shabba Doo: i mean that's the coolest name ever for a human on Earth, right? that's cooler than Snoop Dogg!!! that's cooler than Scooby-Doo!!!
Shabba Doo: i was married to the best actress The Outer Limits ever had.........Lela Rochon.........in fairness my wife started to freak me out when she brought her work home with her, when i woke up to an alien in my bed.........i'm not talking about Eddie Murphy...
Lela Rochon: freak you out or freak you?...
1984: DANCE AGAINST BIG BROTHER!!!
Lucinda Dickey: i'm Dorothy from Kansas IN REAL LIFE. i pulled off the impossible, i have a BIG BUTT but the FIRST THING you notice about me is my Jem hair...
Eye Luggage's eye pupils turn to '80s hearts...
Rubikon: the breakdancing culture in '80s NYC, which subsequently spilled over to the innercity mean streets and empty parks of Los Angeles, was INSTRUMENTAL in changing choreography, music, and the style of art forever. it saved so many lives, gangsters traded in knives for twirls, guns for double-flips.
NHL goalie: standing on your head for standing on your head...
Rubikon: the scene went from blood to bravado, you solved beefs with words and actions not violence, actions meaning acts of kindness and generosity in the community, good deeds, and dance moves, can we please return to this simplicity and innocence? this era of energy? can we go back to the world of Michael Jackson's "Beat It" music video?
Paul McCartney: in the car.
Turbo: i come from Wilmington, California, it seems like The City of the Future. you see all those tall arches over a superhighway, you think George Jetson is zooming past here on his personal rocket-car. but it's the ghettoiest of the ghetto. you really don't want to be living directly under a freeway overpass.
MacArthur Park: it seems rich, this is where that guru from India with the long name created Transcendental Meditation for all the Hollywood celebrities. but this park hides a dark side, a dark secret.........basketball courts and skateboard halfpipes with graffiti on them, and stuff. it's glossy grass on the lawn out front and that big-ass stone fountain but look deeper.........the stone was stolen.........look at that dilapidated bandshell and public toilets made of clay...
Cannon: Bolero was pornographic? nah. it was a naked Bo Derek astride a horse, a damsel in distress on top of a white horse, it was FANTASY as in the GENRE of fantasy, Medieval fantasy, and it's a fantasy because no man will ever achieve Bo Derek in this way.
Bo Derek: Bo Derek? no, No Derek.
Derek Jeter: ...
Kelly Bennett: don't name me after a breakfast cereal. ironically, i work at a greasy spoon where they serve Special K cereal. this is starting off like a porno...
boss: GET BACK TO WORK!!! the eggs Benedicts are getting cold!!!
Kelly's dancer friend Adam: don't call my moves cartoonish, my daddy runs the Inspection Shop, i could close you down on the spot with one call from my mobile phone with an antenna. Health Inspector is important.
boss: health care is important for all?...
Kelly's dancer friend Eve who's a woman this time: you were good, Kells.
Kelly: that's Kellz.
friend: you could be somebody. why do you work at this dead-end dump?
Kelly: i'm poor. my parents, it's never mentioned, but i think my parents are dead.
friend: you gotta come with me to San Francisco, THAT city is where it's at.
Kelly: really?
Leslie Sbrocco: yep.
Kelly: i coulda been a ballet dancer like Natalie Portman. but of course my teacher is a creep.
Ben Lokey: i am anything but low-key. Kelly, do you know what i want from you?
Kelly: my big butt?
Franco: no, what i want from you is to be the best ballet dancer this cold world has ever seen.........may i trap you in the corner of this ballet bar here and steal a kiss from you? may i have this kiss, mademoiselle? may i kiss you in a sloppy forced way? i'm sorry, Kelly, you are so beautiful and i am a man in an '80s movie so the only way i know how to express love is through rape.
Kelly: that makes you the villain.
Franco: yes.
Ozone: i won't be called Ozone for long.........on this planet...
Ozone: hey everybody, gather around the beach and let's start DANCING!!! boogie-woogie!!! contort your body into weird shapes, damn your bones into jelly!!! the beaches are abandoned, there's so much SPACE here, nobody kitesurfs or boogie-boards, it's too expensive, the shore is a haven for the gangs now. HAVE AT IT, GO CRAZY!!! THERE'S NO POLICE!!!
rival gang: we're the rival gang, can't you tell from our spraypainted leather jackets and leather caps?
Turbo: you like Pink Floyd? that's cool, so do i.
rival gang: we don't fight, we dance. but we still use harsh words calling your mom a whore and a slut, like if we were a real gang.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: excuse me, is there a problem here?
Turbo: thank god you're here, Jean-Claude, teach these punks a lesson. beat their asses in.
Jean-Claude: i can't punch nor kick, i can only DANCE to prove i'm a man.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: we both made our starts in the business with our cameos here, who ended up with the better career?
Ice T: interesting interesting, that's a hard one...
Special K: is it easy to learn to breakdance? i know i'm white but i can learn. i can still do it, right?
Shabba Doo: no, it's a survival lifestyle, not some Beverly Hills fad.
Booglaoo Shrimp: yeah it's easy, just pop this VHS tape into this VCR here in our basement. and you gotta wear a headband.
Special K: i too can be a b-boy?...
All Might to Deku: you too can be a b-boy...
Ozone takes Special K outside again. to a local dried-up waterpark.
Ozone: Kelly, THIS is dancing. do you feel the heat of their rhythms? the beat of their hearts? the PASSION of their dance not their technique. DeBarge is my cousin...
Kelly: hold up what's going on here? is this man crippled? disabled? is he using his crutches to dance and spin around? now i'm seeing that stuff the Olympic male gymnasts do on the pommel horse...
pommel horse: the first pommel horses actually looked like horses...
Ozone: baby, be mine. Kelly, the Paris Olympics.........tell me who wins...
Kelly: democracy wins.
Ozone: Wikipedia, really? the best you can do is a DRAWING of me, not an actual photo?
Franco with stern face: you hooligans. you ruffians. you street scum. breakdancing is LOW-RENT. you low-class peons. you Freddie Prinze wannabe.
Tony Orlando: Freddie Prinze and i were more than brothers, we were TWINS.
Ozone: this doesn't make any sense, i could DECK THE FUCK out of this white wimp Franco character and make him whimper all the way home to mommy. i am TWICE AS TALL as he is. this skinny villain poses no threat to me at all...
Kevin Durant: ...
Kevin Durant: Dear Mama. i'm playing Tupac Shakur in the Lifetime movie.
Franco: i do REAL DANCE in a leotard...
agent James Wilcox: don't worry i'm not gonna rape you. i'm just your agent, purely platonic, i do want to fuck you but i realize that's gonna take a LONG TIME to develop. you know, we gotta go through the whole dating thing before the relationship, that will take 4 years. do you wear your leotard even to business meetings?
Kelly: this leotard is the only clothes i own. i want to trust you.........but you look like Joe Piscopo...
Wilcox: perfectly understandable, this face dooms me. breakdancing? what the fuck is that? look i want you to be Martha Graham.
Kelly: who? why is this the only office in this skyscraper of 30 floors?
Wilcox: yeah it's your classic porn office, you know? an office building in a porno...
at the bodega. a bodega in Los Angeles?
Turbo: OMG Nehi!!! this is my favorite soda. you can have all the Grapette. i also use Nehi on my hair, same name different brand of product.
Ozone: who do you think you are? Gene Kelly?
Turbo: who? i do know what the Oscars are, tho, the Academy Awards are still important in the '80s.
Ozone: and what praytell do you plan on doing with that broom?
Turbo: create movie magic. Michael Jackson AND Fantasia copied ME, me dancing like a baller on this sidewalk at night!!!
Ice-T: i'm a rap talker in this. a rap talker? my contribution to this film was WACK!!! my rapping here SUCKS, please burn the tape...
Special K: we can't win!!! they got someone called Pop N Taco!!! they got a WOMAN!!! named Lollipop.
Ozone: i quit.
Turbo makes the Charlie Chaplin blowed-up-cheeks face at Ozone, Ozone laughs.
Ozone: okay you got me, bro, i'm into dancing again.
Ozone: i like you, Kelly, do you want to date? why are you always hanging out with your agent?
Kelly: without him we got no gigs. it's IMPOSSIBLE to make money breakdancing, you know this, right?
Ozone: i got a barcode in my name...
Kelly: so i've been to a billion auditions and i've learned one thing about this town, the audition process for a porn and the audition process for Gone with the Wind are the EXACT SAME.
casting director: wearing a blonde wig when the part calls for a blonde woman is a lost art...
fancy Beverly Hills soiree in the afternoon.
Turbo: i've never seen so many fancy hats in my life!!! is this the Kentucky Derby? is that a car or a building?
Ozone: all these old white women dowagers want to FUCK you, you're a trophy to them, they've never seen someone so exotic, use that to your advantage.
Turbo: by getting us on Broadway?
Ozone: no, by putting this roach in Franco's escargot on a Ritz cracker.
Rubikon: omg this scene is so HISTORICALLY FASCINATING, isn't it? when you see rednecks in '80s movies and see what they have wrought now in 2023 America. back then dumb racist rednecks ready to table-brawl at the drop of a jeans-cap were still a joke, not occupying the highest levels of government. gotta love the Pic N Save long rolls of spooled butcher white paper advertising the meat sales in red ink tho.
Turbo: can't you see what's going on here?
Kelly: no. does Ozone like me or something?
Turbo: no, he wants to borrow your car.
Ozone: you don't know me. you don't understand the FIRST THING about me. you'll never get my life.
Kelly: then how was i able to find you on this BIG-ASS BEACH?
Ozone: your big butt. your big butt is like a radar.
the trio approach the dance contest at the university hall stage at UCLA i guess?...
Turbo: these tear-away tuxedo pants cost MORE than a regular tuxedo!!!
Ozone: great, the entire panel is old white men.
Special K: to be fair there's one old white woman who's a judge...
head judge: young man i am FASCINATED by your Puerto Rican heritage...
Newcleus hit the silver boombox and their smash hit "Jam On It" comes on the speakers, the trio start breakdancing, not balleting, and the judges are impressed because they all die of heart attacks. THEY WIN!!!
Franco: this competition was RIGGED!!!
Ozone: save it for the election, whitebread. clear out, chump. the vatos have won this day.
mid-credits scene: mine didn't have this...
closing number on the set of Toto's "Rosanna" music video.
Lucinda Dickey: this ain't fair!!! my hair is all spiked and sparkly and filled with glitter and purple and ready to go, this is the PERFECT YEAR in the '80s to do the Jem live-action movie!!! i was supposed to be LIVE-ACTION JEM!!!
Lucinda Dickey: i'm done with dancing. i never was into acting. what do you think of this idea? we strand 50 people on an island and film it all...
Chaka Khan: "Ain't Nobody," my biggest hit. all thanks to the Breakin' music video i did of it. i owe it all to the youngheads. i breakdanced in my youth but then my hair got too big. you've never seen Rufus, right? nobody has any idea what Rufus looks like...
Columbia House: hey kids, were you dancing in the aisles in the theater where you watched the blockbuster film Breakin'? were your parents? grandparents? Vietnam vets? pets? goldfish? is your shoe stuck? well, now YOU TOO can learn to breakdance like the pros!!! for just ONE PENNY you get the VHS cassette tape How To Break and we guarantee you will be Michael Chambers the next night!!! broom and shipping and handling not included. i know this sounds like a VHS tape about a defeated man who checks into a psychiatric hospital but it's not. Al Jarreau's "Boogie Down," Kraftwerk's "Tour de France," Art of Noise's "Beat Box," The Glove's "Tibetan Jam," these are all GREAT SONGS that were NOT INCLUDED on the soundtrack for some reason.........g'night folks...
No comments:
Post a Comment